Saturday, February 20, 2016

Dating Site Questions

Nowadays, if I'm taking a dump, I'm probably rapid swiping Tinder to accrue a harem of matches that I'll never have time to message since I work 6 days a week mixed with matches I'll never intend on messaging because they're too fat to arouse me sexually (unless it was last call at a bar and I threw her...and...myself a hail Mary pity fuck out of shameful desperation). But I have much more fun answering the stupid questions on OkCupid as brutally honest as possible. I like to think it gives me an excuse why no one messages back, although in reality the true reasons are A) These sites are retarded and B) They get swamped by messages and dick pics by the hour. And maybe, just maybe C) I'm an ugly motherfucker.

 

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Stop Being Proud of Your Periods

 
What the fuck is this shit? Why are bitches proud of bleeding from their slit? Why be proud of simple bodily functions? Am I proud when I take a dump? Am I proud to ejaculate? Am I proud to urinate on drunken feminists? Sure, in the rarest of circumstances, maybe I am proud of some of these simple bodily functions...but it's all dependent on context.
 
When I take a solid shit for the first time in 2 months (due to either my alcoholism or undetected colon cancer), I have some strange sense of accomplishment.
 
If I ejaculate on a really hot chicks tramp stamp, I'll be proud. But that was the journey to ejaculation I'm proud of, not the fact I ejaculated itself. Context, people. It's all about context. And on that note, there's plenty of contexts in which to be ASHAMED of ejaculating, like in a middle school bathroom or into a corpse.
 

The same can be said of periods - it'd be shameful to take a bunch of pictures as if it were some art gallery and be proud. That's just gross. Oh wait, someone actually did that. You go, girl! Or, it'd be shameful to run a marathon and then bleed all over the place to prove some sort of strange point. Your father must be proud...oh wait, that happened too. Or it'd be shameful to bleed on someone else's furniture after passing out on it from three whine colors mixed with your bipolar disorder medication. That's somethign to be embarrassed about, not an accomplishment. What happens when a feminist mistakenly bleeds on their friends furniture? "That was a statement against the patriarchy!" Sure thing, Liz...but can you clean it off my futon? For fucks sake.
 
It's like when guys brag about their beards, as if not taking a razor to your face for 8 months is some measure of masculinity. "Beard pride," "period pride"....people want medals for fucking existing these days.

Sure, I wake up with morning wood on a lot of days. Waking up with erections is a normal bodily function most men deal with....some of us on a daily basis. Personally, I either let it stay hard until it subsides or stroke it 'til I nut. I don't go post about "morning wood awareness" on social media, or tell people to stop "shaming me for my morning wood." I don't hire a sculptor to erect a statue in honor of my morning boner from February 15th, 2016. I deal with it privately and move on with my life. And when people make morning wood jokes, I laugh and relate. Like in 40 Year Old Virgin when he pisses all over himself with the morning wood? That makes me laugh. I don't feel necessitated to start some sort of misplaced, counterfeit moral crusade against the joke for being sexist to feel better about myself. And I don't feel some strange, misplaced pride that my body is functioning like most other male human bodies function.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

I Saw A Furry In Person

As I was driving the other day I saw a furry walking the streets of Worcester. I actually saw a Furry in the wild, completely at random. No craigslist ads necessary. These are the people you read about on the internet that you hope don't really exist. Reading about them is sort of like reading a news story about something horribly tragic as an adult. You know the kind of story, the one that keeps getting simultaneously more depressing / sickly entertaining. The kind of story middle aged house wives love to talk about to each other for some odd reason.

"A 54 year old man died in a car accident yesterday after falling asleep at the wheel and careening into a telephone pole."

Well, 54 isn't that bad. That's still a pretty full life.

"He was a veteran that served in Vietnam, the last surviving member of his platoon."

Aw jeeze, here we go.

"After losing a leg in the war he participated in various charitable organizations that looked to cure several different diseases."

So he put his time into charitable work for ailments he wasn't personally experiencing? He didn't all the sudden empathize with just amputees after losing a limb, but was humbled to empathize with people of all walks of life suffering all plights? What a swell guy.

"He was driving his 11 year old grandson to a surprise birthday party."

 The plot thickens.

"The 11 year old is now confined to a wheel chair for the rest of his life."

Come on! But back to the furry, which is equally tragic.

So I was headed back to work after picking up some wings for lunch when I was forced to come to a stop as a tall person in a cartoony looking fox fursuit was escorted across the street by what looked like his or her elderly mother. It was strange, very very strange. (If I had struck the weird son of a bitch with my car and killed him, would he have been roadkill?)

 For those that are unaware of what a "furry" fur suit looks like, here's a picture.


Here's a better picture.



Seriously, keep that shit to yourself you deprived lunatics. Furries should be like Fight Club, the first rule is to not talk about being a furry. (That should be the rules of Vegans too.) I mean whatever people want to get into in the comfort of their own home to get off sexually is their business. Wear that fur suit, jack off to some strange porn, stick that toothbrush in your ass. Just remember not to put that toothbrush back in the coffee mug in the bathroom. Or at the very least, rinse it off with some Listerine first. Point is, so long as it's not hurting anyone else, go for it. I'm talking about perverted shit like fur suits, not something like...

"You tricked the paralyzed 11 year old into your van, it even had room for his wheel chair. So have at it! You deserve this, Tom. Especially after they fucked you over on that promotion."

That's hurting someone else. Even if there is no feeling below the waist, you're leaving mental scars. People like these furry weirdos, I have no problem with them personally. Wear your fur suits and fuck complete strangers who are also in fur suits through the buttflap on their wolf costume, it's your life. Pretend it's the fox anus you've always pined to demolish. Go for gold you fucking psychotic deviants! Just have the common decency to keep that cum stained fur suit at home. Hang up your semen soaked plush fox head before you go in public, you inconsiderate prick. Because there could be some mental scarring taking place on those streets after you strut around like Star Fox.


And to have your poor, poor mother escorting you around...right near the courthouse mind you, so there's all kinds of heavy foot traffic, and construction - police officers directing traffic and such. You ARE hurting other people donning that outfit in public. You're an embarrassment to yourself, to your family, and the entire human race.
 
And that's why I'm saying keep that shit in private. Bringing that into a public domain is harming other people. I wonder how many people saw that weirdo walking around and it just completely ruined their week. Maybe some guy was having the best day - woke up to a text back from his pot dealer telling him he's got $25 8ths on tap. He finds a $20 bill on the ground seconds later - there's your 8th, boss. His job interview goes well. He gets lunch at his favorite restaurant, and finally gets the number from that cute waitress he always flirts with but just never has the balls to ask out. Sure, she eye fucks him every time he goes to eat there, but she IS at work so he'd just feel weird hitting on her......but not today! Today everything is going his way for once! Then upon leaving the restaurant he sees the furry, which forces him to turn his head for just the opportune split second necessitated for him to slip on a banana peel and break his neck on the pavement. And the greatest irony is the banana peel was thrown on the ground by ANOTHER furry wearing an ape costume. 

If only the fox and ape could find each other on those lonely city streets.
 
Or the complete reverse of that happens, like some dude on the brink of suicide sees the guy in the fursuit and decides he IS going to down that bottle of pills and handle of vodka later and end the misery that is his life. It's the fursuit that broke the camels back.

Or even still, maybe that furry nut job gave the suicidal guy a reason to go on. Maybe seeing that sick fuck is just what the depressed guy needed to see to put shit into perspective.


"Well sure, I'm fucked up in the head. My life is a joke. But at least I don't sexually identify as a mystical fox creature."

There is no confidence booster quite like seeing the depravity of some other sick fuck that makes you feel slightly normal in comparison. (Well, aside from tapping fresh puss and snorting good cocaine. Those are always good confidence boosts.) 

Of course, the reason the suicidal guy is even still alive in the first place is because every time he goes to pull the trigger or jump out of his 14th story window he masturbates "for the last time" and then loses the ambition to do go through with it - or anything else for that matter. "Fuck killing myself right now, I just nutted. I'll just kill myself tomorrow morning before work." The best part is, he feels even guiltier and more miserable after ejaculating. But back to the furry, and not these peripheral hypothetical caricatures.

I wonder how hard the old lady (who I'm convinced was his mother from the 10 seconds I saw them walk by) tried to convince him not to wear that stupid fucking fur coat in public. 
 
"C'mon, Jimmy, is the fox suit really necessary? You don't have to wear it every day! You should let me wash it, it smells awful! How are you gonna find a girlfriend when you dress like this? You're 24 for god's sake!"

And where is the father figure in this kids life? Is he still at the gas station picking up cigarettes from 12 years ago? Must be one hell of a line - and for a Sunday, too! The poor furry kid was watching Mr Ed when his father walked out of his life for good, now he's traumatized into identifying as a horse and needs to make love to other horse people to fill the void. I guarantee this kid had a father figure as absent as his dignity. Because to me there is nothing dignified about wearing a fox costume in public unless it's on Halloween. How many children you trying to traumatize wearing that shit in public?
 

I'm just gonna full on assume the person in the suit was a male, for the simple reason that a woman doesn't need to stoop to such low, low levels to get sex. This person had such a hard time dating and spent so much time on 4chan that their mind is now warped to the point of them sexually identifying as a fox that walks on two legs and wears diapers. That just isn't gonna happen to 99.999999899999% of woman, it doesn't work like that. They have more important things to think about then becoming a unicorn, like...actually getting laid.

 I wish I could have talked to the furry. Just a really level headed, honest, no bullshit conversation.

"Listen, dude. You gotta lose the fur suit. You DON'T think you're a fox, you delusional prick, you're compensating for not being able to get laid. Something is just fucked up in your brain and you got a weird personality, but it's all good! It's 2016 you weird mother fucker, so go out there and get yourself some pussy! Buy an escort off backpage if you have to, scour the bottom of the barrel on Plenty of Whales. Who cares if she has 3 kids at 24, anything is a step up from fur suit animal sex at this point. Use a fake name for fucks sake, you're used to pretending you're a character from My Little Pony, answering to Steve instead of Jimmy for the duration of a date should be a leisurely stroll through the park. Fire up Tinder and send out the same opener to dozens of girls. But for the love of god, don't talk about your fursuits. Or DragonBallZ. Or 4chan. You fucking weirdo."

Again, just hang up the cum stained fox head before you leave the house. Leave that shit in your parents basement with all the rest of your shit. Tone it down in public a few notches. Make it so that people actually have to study you to realize how much of a fucking weirdo you are. At a passing glance you're just a wiry little nerd. Upon closer inspection the casual observer will note the My Little Pony backpack and THEN realize you're a creepy fuck. Moderation. With the fur suit, anime, AND Mountain Dew, you glutton.

Funny thing is, it was right in front of the Worcester courthouse. I wonder if that prick wore that shit to court? Pleading his case in a fucking mystical blue fox outfit? "I just don't know why I'm being harassed so much, your honor!" Or better yet, that's a lawyer. Just a fox fur suit, tie around the neck, and leopard print suitcase. He's a very expensive lawyer, but he wins every case. His bodyguard is a frail elderly women who was taught a secret form of martial arts only her and Bruce Lee know.

But I'd wager the furry phenomena is the result of a limp-wristed society. Follow your dreams, kiddies! Even if it means identifying as a mystical fox creature known as Lazarus and driving your family apart! If it wasn't his parents divorce that caused him to start wearing fur suits, then he probably destroyed their marriage when he came out as a furry to them.