Sunday, July 10, 2016

Pokemon Go Review | Exercise & Social Awareness

Unless you've been living under a crack rock, you're likely well aware of the launch of Nintendo's "Pokemon Go," the app sweeping the world unlike any other since Snapchat, Tinder, and Grindr. Pokemon Go is already wildly popular, and it is safe to assume that this will likely be Nintendo's most profitable outing in a long fucking time. Their key demographic is children and stoners that like gaming nostalgia. I wonder if they're aware that at least 50% of Nintendo gamers are potheads? They should cater more to that demographic. Pokemon Go is actually kind of refreshing. Yea, I downloaded it yesterday, so here's a little Pokemon Go Review.

   Pokemon Go Review

I played it for a few hours with a group of friends. I'd say that for me, personally, the biggest pull for Pokemon Go...the main contributing factor to it's getting nice and drunk and stumbling around public. And it's like a paradox - you can say you're playing Pokemon Go just as an excuse to get drunk in public, but also your excuse for playing such an insipid app is because of your drunkenness. It's a paradoxical guilty pleasure, like a step-sister creampie video. Yea, they're just acting...but why watch two people acting out that scenario? It's like what came first, the guilt or the prudish morality crisis?
Probably the most entertaining aspect of the game itself was the real life RPG-esque events that peppered the journey. We ran into multiple people playing the game as well, including very intimidating looking 12 year old kids posted up at a local gym. A car of two hot chicks drove by at one point, honking their horns, yelling out "Pokemon Go!" to which I yelled back, "Ayyyoo, come squad up girl!" It was all highly amusing.
But the most interesting moment came when a small terrier puppy ran up to us, off a leash, from the back of some random yard. We attempted to knock on the door of the house to return the animal, but no one answered. We let the dog go, assuming it's owners just let him roam free, but then he started running across the street and almost got hit by a car on two separate occasions. At this point, I announced "We should probably just catch the thing, look at it's collar and bring it back."

While some of the group were rearing to just head to the next Pokestop, I convinced them we couldn't just leave it on it's own as it was almost hit AGAIN by another vehicle. So we scoop the dog up, read it's tag, and head off on the short mile long walk to it's owners house. Some random old guy appears, and says something along the lines of "I was trying to catch that dog too!" He ends up following us to our destination.

We knock on the door and immediately, a beautiful Polish girl with blonde hair and her mother open it, thanking us in goofy accents for saving the dog. With my drunk swagger, I nobly pet the beast on it's head, saying "This little dudes a sweetheart." We continue on our quest for Pokemon.
The old guy starts unveiling his true intents - he's a business owner, and basically wants to prey on us with a pyramid scheme. Most of us ditch him at a 3-way intersection, while one of our friends (described as our "dark merchant" by another member of the PokeCrew) wards him off, allowing us to escape.
We continued walking, and another friend literally meets up with us ON FOOT and we continue the journey. Another fat, autistic kid wearing an Avengers Tshirt from Walmart is playing alone, we tell him to join the crew and he does. He seemed uncomfortable around cursing, and I could tell my ranting and ravings in particular, though satirical, were making him feel even more uncomfortable. We stopped at a liquor store to procure some nips, and then continued the journey.
All in all, my experience lead me to several conclusions on how Pokemon Go will sculpt society...
In the increasingly politically correct landscape of modern society, holding people to healthy standards is deemed insulting. "Fat shaming" is frowned upon deeply. "No one should be insulted or shamed for their body weight!" Well no, but anyone with even a shred of health knowledge realize it's unhealthy to glorify or romanticize being over weight.

"Big is beautiful!" "BBW (Big Beautiful Women)" "Fat Pride"

These are unhealthy mindsets promoting unhealthy ideals, all in an effort to spare someones feelings from being hurt. While outright insulting fat people like Stan, Kyle and Kenny rag on Cartman isn't necessary, glorifying unhealthy habits is a greater evil.

Pokemon Go gently nudges people into exercise. It isn't marketed as an exercise app. It's marketed as "Go catch some Pokemon, mother fucker!" This will no doubt get many people who regularly sit in front of their TV's with half empty, flat 2 liters of Mountain Dew and Cheeto stained t-shirts off their asses and inspired to go outside, getting more Vitamin D since they had recess 9 years prior, and might even teach them a bit of....

I think there's a stark contrast between people playing Pokemon Go out of nostalgia, and those playing it who are doing so 100% sincerely. Let's just say the ones playing with 100% sincerity likely aren't abandoning any hot dates in their pursuit of Pokemon. The most socializing a large number of "Pokemon Go" users likely get in is playing Call of Duty or posting on message boards. This game forces them out of their comfort zone, to go out into the real world, to interact with people that aren't 32 bit NPCs.

Maybe some nerds will get laid out of it. Forced to socialize, perhaps some upstart Ash Ketchum type will finally fingerbang a Misty type. Who knows. Good luck, young to middle aged Pokemon Trainer virgins. You may just get your dick wet yet.
C'mon now, pretty much EVERY cell phone app wants to track your every moment, collect data, and snap pictures of you while you're taking a shit. This is common knowledge. The Orwellian society has long been here, it's only more manipulative, subtle, and corny than 1984 would lead you to believe. This is the next step in surveillance - enter Pokemon: Global Offensive.

 What, are you surprised Pokemon Go has probably already recorded you masturbating multiple times since it's release a mere 3 days ago? Don't be. All the successful franchises and brand names attack us on the daily. They insult us financially, spiritually, intellectually, and even physically. Take McDonalds, for example. They've been poisoning us behind the smile of a clown, a retarded purple monster, and a thief who's entire motivation is free hamburgers for decades. (Why not be more enterprising, brah, ever think of robbing a bank?)
Are you really surprised a game that advocates capturing animals and forcing them to fight each other until unconsciousness in between terms of imprisonment in a tiny ball would infringe on your rights? You literally blast Pokemon with radiation to heal their wounds. Wake up, people!


I've saved the best societal influence Pokemon Go will no doubt have for last. Are you ready kids? Natural Selection.

 Let's face it, folks. There's just too many damn people on the planet. We can't sustain shit, not the way we live at least. And the best way to thin the herd out isn't having police gun people down left and right. Why not set them up through a cheeky augmented reality Pokemon app that has them flicking their cellphones like a college girls clit on railroad tracks and main streets? You know, setting up Pokemon gyms to battle at in alleyways and Police Stations? (Shit, guess cops should keep killing people. Just herd them to the station with Pokemon Go. They'll likely be disappointed by the lack of colored folk showing up balls deep in their cell phones, though.) Better yet, throw a Pokestop or two up at a liquor store or convenience store that's frequently robbed at gunpoint. Throw a Charizard in a meth lab or a Mewtwo 30 feet underwater.
 Then of course there's all the people who will no doubt be catching Pidgeys and Charmeleons on their dashboards as they go 78 miles per hour down a highway. 3 days into release, and some young aspiring entrepreneurs reportedly robbed people at a Pokestop.

How long before a Pokemon Go player climbs a rocky hillside, only to lose their fitting and fall backwards, ultimately breaking several ribs and their neck on the way down?

How long before a Pokemon Go fanatic is lured into a dark section of forest and is mauled by a bear?

 How long before a Pokemon Go devotee stumbles into a gang hideout and his gunned down, their corpse being used like a sex toy for weeks on end after?

Not long at all, I imagine. Not long at all. 

When will we see the Pokemon Go serial killer crop up? The voices in his head have always told him his time as Pokemon Master would come. One day, he'd be able to avenge all the sleepless nights, the wedgies and wet willies, the rejection from becoming a Pokemon Master. Catching them ALL! But only he deserved this luxury, so not only was catching them all his real quest, his real CAUSE was to murder any trainers who stood in his way, collecting their cell phones, and literally multiplaying his Pokemon catching rate.

So let's summarize. The game is promoting exercise and socializing, while at the same it likely films you poop and masturbate and a bunch of people will likely die and/or get robbed playing it. Eh, fuck it. Yolo.


  1. Great write up.

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