Sunday, July 10, 2016

Pokemon Go Review | Exercise & Social Awareness

Unless you've been living under a crack rock, you're likely well aware of the launch of Nintendo's "Pokemon Go," the app sweeping the world unlike any other since Snapchat, Tinder, and Grindr. Pokemon Go is already wildly popular, and it is safe to assume that this will likely be Nintendo's most profitable outing in a long fucking time. Their key demographic is children and stoners that like gaming nostalgia. I wonder if they're aware that at least 50% of Nintendo gamers are potheads? They should cater more to that demographic. Pokemon Go is actually kind of refreshing. Yea, I downloaded it yesterday, so here's a little Pokemon Go Review.

   Pokemon Go Review

I played it for a few hours with a group of friends. I'd say that for me, personally, the biggest pull for Pokemon Go...the main contributing factor to it's getting nice and drunk and stumbling around public. And it's like a paradox - you can say you're playing Pokemon Go just as an excuse to get drunk in public, but also your excuse for playing such an insipid app is because of your drunkenness. It's a paradoxical guilty pleasure, like a step-sister creampie video. Yea, they're just acting...but why watch two people acting out that scenario? It's like what came first, the guilt or the prudish morality crisis?
Probably the most entertaining aspect of the game itself was the real life RPG-esque events that peppered the journey. We ran into multiple people playing the game as well, including very intimidating looking 12 year old kids posted up at a local gym. A car of two hot chicks drove by at one point, honking their horns, yelling out "Pokemon Go!" to which I yelled back, "Ayyyoo, come squad up girl!" It was all highly amusing.
But the most interesting moment came when a small terrier puppy ran up to us, off a leash, from the back of some random yard. We attempted to knock on the door of the house to return the animal, but no one answered. We let the dog go, assuming it's owners just let him roam free, but then he started running across the street and almost got hit by a car on two separate occasions. At this point, I announced "We should probably just catch the thing, look at it's collar and bring it back."

While some of the group were rearing to just head to the next Pokestop, I convinced them we couldn't just leave it on it's own as it was almost hit AGAIN by another vehicle. So we scoop the dog up, read it's tag, and head off on the short mile long walk to it's owners house. Some random old guy appears, and says something along the lines of "I was trying to catch that dog too!" He ends up following us to our destination.

We knock on the door and immediately, a beautiful Polish girl with blonde hair and her mother open it, thanking us in goofy accents for saving the dog. With my drunk swagger, I nobly pet the beast on it's head, saying "This little dudes a sweetheart." We continue on our quest for Pokemon.
The old guy starts unveiling his true intents - he's a business owner, and basically wants to prey on us with a pyramid scheme. Most of us ditch him at a 3-way intersection, while one of our friends (described as our "dark merchant" by another member of the PokeCrew) wards him off, allowing us to escape.
We continued walking, and another friend literally meets up with us ON FOOT and we continue the journey. Another fat, autistic kid wearing an Avengers Tshirt from Walmart is playing alone, we tell him to join the crew and he does. He seemed uncomfortable around cursing, and I could tell my ranting and ravings in particular, though satirical, were making him feel even more uncomfortable. We stopped at a liquor store to procure some nips, and then continued the journey.
All in all, my experience lead me to several conclusions on how Pokemon Go will sculpt society...
In the increasingly politically correct landscape of modern society, holding people to healthy standards is deemed insulting. "Fat shaming" is frowned upon deeply. "No one should be insulted or shamed for their body weight!" Well no, but anyone with even a shred of health knowledge realize it's unhealthy to glorify or romanticize being over weight.

"Big is beautiful!" "BBW (Big Beautiful Women)" "Fat Pride"

These are unhealthy mindsets promoting unhealthy ideals, all in an effort to spare someones feelings from being hurt. While outright insulting fat people like Stan, Kyle and Kenny rag on Cartman isn't necessary, glorifying unhealthy habits is a greater evil.

Pokemon Go gently nudges people into exercise. It isn't marketed as an exercise app. It's marketed as "Go catch some Pokemon, mother fucker!" This will no doubt get many people who regularly sit in front of their TV's with half empty, flat 2 liters of Mountain Dew and Cheeto stained t-shirts off their asses and inspired to go outside, getting more Vitamin D since they had recess 9 years prior, and might even teach them a bit of....

I think there's a stark contrast between people playing Pokemon Go out of nostalgia, and those playing it who are doing so 100% sincerely. Let's just say the ones playing with 100% sincerity likely aren't abandoning any hot dates in their pursuit of Pokemon. The most socializing a large number of "Pokemon Go" users likely get in is playing Call of Duty or posting on message boards. This game forces them out of their comfort zone, to go out into the real world, to interact with people that aren't 32 bit NPCs.

Maybe some nerds will get laid out of it. Forced to socialize, perhaps some upstart Ash Ketchum type will finally fingerbang a Misty type. Who knows. Good luck, young to middle aged Pokemon Trainer virgins. You may just get your dick wet yet.
C'mon now, pretty much EVERY cell phone app wants to track your every moment, collect data, and snap pictures of you while you're taking a shit. This is common knowledge. The Orwellian society has long been here, it's only more manipulative, subtle, and corny than 1984 would lead you to believe. This is the next step in surveillance - enter Pokemon: Global Offensive.

 What, are you surprised Pokemon Go has probably already recorded you masturbating multiple times since it's release a mere 3 days ago? Don't be. All the successful franchises and brand names attack us on the daily. They insult us financially, spiritually, intellectually, and even physically. Take McDonalds, for example. They've been poisoning us behind the smile of a clown, a retarded purple monster, and a thief who's entire motivation is free hamburgers for decades. (Why not be more enterprising, brah, ever think of robbing a bank?)
Are you really surprised a game that advocates capturing animals and forcing them to fight each other until unconsciousness in between terms of imprisonment in a tiny ball would infringe on your rights? You literally blast Pokemon with radiation to heal their wounds. Wake up, people!


I've saved the best societal influence Pokemon Go will no doubt have for last. Are you ready kids? Natural Selection.

 Let's face it, folks. There's just too many damn people on the planet. We can't sustain shit, not the way we live at least. And the best way to thin the herd out isn't having police gun people down left and right. Why not set them up through a cheeky augmented reality Pokemon app that has them flicking their cellphones like a college girls clit on railroad tracks and main streets? You know, setting up Pokemon gyms to battle at in alleyways and Police Stations? (Shit, guess cops should keep killing people. Just herd them to the station with Pokemon Go. They'll likely be disappointed by the lack of colored folk showing up balls deep in their cell phones, though.) Better yet, throw a Pokestop or two up at a liquor store or convenience store that's frequently robbed at gunpoint. Throw a Charizard in a meth lab or a Mewtwo 30 feet underwater.
 Then of course there's all the people who will no doubt be catching Pidgeys and Charmeleons on their dashboards as they go 78 miles per hour down a highway. 3 days into release, and some young aspiring entrepreneurs reportedly robbed people at a Pokestop.

How long before a Pokemon Go player climbs a rocky hillside, only to lose their fitting and fall backwards, ultimately breaking several ribs and their neck on the way down?

How long before a Pokemon Go fanatic is lured into a dark section of forest and is mauled by a bear?

 How long before a Pokemon Go devotee stumbles into a gang hideout and his gunned down, their corpse being used like a sex toy for weeks on end after?

Not long at all, I imagine. Not long at all. 

When will we see the Pokemon Go serial killer crop up? The voices in his head have always told him his time as Pokemon Master would come. One day, he'd be able to avenge all the sleepless nights, the wedgies and wet willies, the rejection from becoming a Pokemon Master. Catching them ALL! But only he deserved this luxury, so not only was catching them all his real quest, his real CAUSE was to murder any trainers who stood in his way, collecting their cell phones, and literally multiplaying his Pokemon catching rate.

So let's summarize. The game is promoting exercise and socializing, while at the same it likely films you poop and masturbate and a bunch of people will likely die and/or get robbed playing it. Eh, fuck it. Yolo.

Hollywood's New Formula: Pander to SJW's (Ghostbusters)

I already made a post about the unnecessary Ghostbusters remake and how terrible it looked. Well, the movie dropped, and it looks like the verdict is in - everyone seems too afraid to review the movie honestly. Judging by the trailers, the movie looked on-par intellectually with the Scooby Due live action movies. Maybe even worse, since the source material (original Ghostbusters) was superior and had bigger shoes to fill (a live action version of the Scooby Doo cartoons weren't exactly big shoes to fill). In light of all this, I can only surmise...

This is Hollywood's new favorite formula.

Hollywood was testing the waters of this new formula with Ghostbusters. And while the movie hasn't dropped just yet, judging from the early critical reception, it worked. Even the negative reviews seem hesitant to be TOO negative. For every "there's little comic buoyancy" or "the pacing is godawful" there's a "despite the efforts of the stunning and brave core cast" peppered in right afterwards. Hollywood has basically made this movie untouchable. Anyone who cries out how hackneyed the writing is or how it seems like a tired "girl power" remake of a classic will be deemed misogynist. I don't think it's the fact an all-female cast is heading the movie people took issue with, it was the lazy and unimaginative remake in the first place. People have been vocally spiteful of remakes for a long time. It isn't exactly a new trend. So what is the new Hollywood formula, you might be wondering? Let me break it down for you.

Use whatever political correctness / SJW trends they feel like cherry picking, apply it to a reboot or remake, and then claim any criticism tossed at the movie is anti (fill in the blank). To make this seem more legit, they then pay off social media sites to censor logical criticisms so they can instead highlight the vocal minority that either are truly misogynist or just troll baiting playing the part. The majority of people weren't even complaining about the all-female cast being SJW propaganda, either, they were voicing the opinion that making a remake and changing the core casts sex or race to appeal to a different demographic is lazy, unimaginative, and disrespectful to the original material. Just like the new Uncle Buck that replaces John Candy with Mike Epps. Oh look, a black Uncle Buck remake. How delightful.
You think white people are clamoring to see a white version of the Fresh Prince of Bel-air? No, because it would be retarded. Just as retarded, as say, males wanting an all male remake of Jawbreaker. It's just not necessary.

This movie COULD have been good if they got a competent director (Paul Feig seems like a cuckold of monumental proportions, like he probably enjoys eating black semen out of his wife's pussy), and hiring a talented cast instead of these hacky girl power actresses. Get Kristen Schaal in there, or Kaitlin Olson (Sweet Dee from Always Sunny). There's plenty of great comedic actresses that don't rely on SNL slapstick their entire careers. And the plot should have been a "torch passing" story to honor the original franchise and build more on the established lore, instead of shoehorning the original cast into lazy cameos (and literally threatening to sue Bill Murray if he didn't 'enthusiastically' support the movie publicly.)

So let's summarize the formula...

- Hollywood's new shield for criticism is literally pandering to the PC crowd and SJW's.
- Hollywood's new well of "creativity" is remaking movies but retooling them ever so slightly to cater to social justice trends.
- Paul Feig is a pandering cuckold and the cast he chose for this sucks. No, not because they are female, but because they rely on shitty modern SNL slapstick bullshit.
- It seems like everyone who reviewed the movie early are scared to review it honestly. They're the most apologetically negative reviews I've ever seen. 

 But moving beyond the initial formula and how lazy it is, what about the SJW propaganda sprinkled in the movie? And before you read any further, NONE OF THIS SHIT is in any way offensive, not to me at least. It's just ironically hilarious that everyone involved in the movie were up in arms over "sexist feedback" when the movie itself is heavily saturated with anti-male sentiments.

"I don't know if this is a race thing, or a lady thing, but I'm mad as hell."

It's not a black or a lady thing, Leslie Jones, it's a you're a fat, loud, obnoxious piece of shit and no one wants to bust their collar bone or snap their wrist trying to catch your gargantuan ass thing. Also, how can anyone not find her acting in...well, literally everything she's ever been a lazy caricature of sassy black women? I thought this movie was supposed to appeal to social justice warriors, are they too confused to be offended by this character because she's in a movie they also consider progressive for having a cast of "stunning and brave" females?

Most early reviews mention every male in the movie is either incompetent or evil.

This is nothing new. Throughout the history of TV and cinema, one trope dominates all family casts - oafish, moronic husband and sexy, intelligent wife. "Oh no, I'm being oppressed because all depictions of males on TV are as jackasses who are inferior to their wife! " Kidding, of course. I really don't give a fuck how who is portrayed in what, regardless of how negative said portrayal would be. It's either entertaining to me, or it isn't, and the social commentary isn't oftentimes the biggest determining factor in whether a piece of cinema or TV show is entertaining or not. Not everyone has the brilliantly satirical wit of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, after all.

So all the men in this movie are depicted as incompetent or evil. I'd bet $50 they are all white, too. Keep on drilling that narrative into peoples brains, dark cabal of Hollywood. Keep people hating each other over petty non-issues like race, gender, or religious ideology so they're too distracted to hate the real people oppressing them - the extremely upper upper class high society 1%ers keeping the other 99% in poverty, enslaved to their debt and rat race minimum wage jobs. It's working brilliantly.

And lastly, since I haven't seen the movie and never will...

They defeat the "final boss" of the movie (a weird mix of the Marshmallow Man and the Ghostbusters logo) by shooting him in his male genitals. Since he's a marshmallow, he's literally a white male who is taken down at the climax of the movie by getting shot in the balls.

C'mon, you can't tell me Paul Feig wasn't trying to wink and nod at feminists with this bullshit. Either that or he's the least self-aware individual in all of Hollywood, which is no small feat. Again, none of this offends me whatsoever, there's plenty of people out there who will enjoy this movie and the blatantly anti-male bullshit peppered throughout. It's played for laughs, and I don't think it should have been omitted from the film or anything - those are the kinda jokes the demographic this movie was intended for would enjoy. But what IS frustrating is comments like this from the people involved in the making of the film....

"The first wave when you make an announcement like that is overwhelmingly positive. Everyone’s so happy and you’re like, this is great. Then comes the second wave and you’re like, Oh my God. Some of the most vile, misogynistic sh** I’ve ever seen in my life." - Paul Cuckold Feig on the response to the Ghostbusters trailer
Judging by the early reviews, this movie is misandrist to some extent. That's fine, bruh, make the movie you want to make! Appeal to the feminist demographic all you want. I, for one, don't give a fuck. I'm all for freedom of speech. But it's extremely hypocritical to call out negative feedback as misogynistic when the climax of your movie is literally four females defeating the main bad guy by firing energy beams at his genitals. Ghostbusters of 2016 is just SJW pandering that feeds off it's own negative feedback while hypocritically judging any of said negative feedback as misogynist while the movie itself depicts anti-man rhetoric.

To me, the only thing particularly offensive from this entire debacle is the new formula Hollywoood would no doubt exploit. Who cares about the anti-man bullshit in the movie? It's played for laughs. Who gives a fuck about the actual misogynists who hated the movie because they can't get pussy? The only thing to take away from this is that you should probably get yourself ready for a bunch of literally neutered PC remakes that cater to smug SJW assholes.