Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Ghostbusters Remake Looks Shitty

Ghostbusters looks godawful, and as a result the trailer is the most disliked in Youtube history. But apparently everyone trashing the movie are just misogynistic, unable to tolerate powerful woman taking over the role as the new titular characters of Ghostbusters. Just read the response from Melissa McFatty, one of the actresses:
"‘You’re ruining my childhood!’ I mean, really? Four women doing any movie on earth will destroy your childhood? I have a visual of those people not having a [husband], not having friends, so they’re just sitting there and spewing hate into this fake world of the internet. I just hope they find a friend.” 

Most people aren't trashing the movie because it is starring four women, you chunky, overrated blimp. Having said that, doing an "All-female (insert movie here)" is gimmicky and completely unimaginative. Same thing as any other remake that tries to change the targeted demographic by re-imagining the gender, sexual preference, or race of it's main characters. It completely reeks of hack film making. Why not make an original film with original characters? Why did this have to be Ghostbusters, is that limp wristed director too uninspired to create something new?

People are pissed because it's gimmicky. But even if this wasn't carrying the Ghostbusters name and the same jokes were attempted in a different context I'd still think it looked like a festering piece of shit.

The jokes in the trailer don't land.And the actresses they went with are just annoying to watch. Leslie Jones in particular is very grating with her loud, obnoxious bullshit. If I was black I'd think Leslie Jones was just as idiotic as Tyler Perry and feel embarrassed for her, much like Canadians feel embarrassed for Celine Dion and the world at large is embarrassed for Kanye.

Simply put, people are dissing the trailer because it looks like shit, and on top of that the lore of this movie ignores the originals. If they made it a sequel it would have worked slightly better. But then instead of inventing the ghostbusting technology, the original Ghostbusters would be handing down the reins, and we can't have powerful, no bullshit women getting a hand me down from a couple cis gendered heterosexuals, now can we?!

Here's how I think an all female Ghostbusters would have worked. Scrap the story, scrap the cast, and pop a "3: The New Generation" or some shit on the title. Change the premise to this: The events of the first two films have been stricken from the public record, and is now just a rumor spoken around the city. Most people don't even believe the events happened. A group of paranormal researchers and enthusiasts, however, unearth the truth somehow, and excitedly decide to start a Ghostbusters squad of their own, maybe even calling it something different out of respect for the originals. They invent their own technology that is far more effective, due to the technological advances in the past three decades. Maybe the 4th member of the team finds them, and just happens to be the daughter of the late Egon. (She could reveal this later on as well, after forging relationships with the other characters.)

Shit goes down, blah blah blah, they start making a name for themselves, then the government shuts them down. This is when Egon's daughter reveals her origins. They decide to meet up with the original Ghostbusters, and the old generation and new generation work together to take out the possessed government officials trying to keep everything under wraps. They find the conspiracy goes much deeper than originally thought.

I thought of that shit in 5 minutes. It's a mediocre synopsis, and sadly sounds much more entertaining than just remaking the original with females instead of males.
Now before I get attacked for being misogynist, let me name some of the actresses that would have piqued my interest in seeing the remake. This is because the actresses I have in mind possess comedic chops far beyond being a black stereotype (Leslie Jones), a confident fat woman (Melissa McCarthy), a quirky eccentric (Kristen Wiig).
Kaitlin Olson
 Kristen Schaal
 Anna Faris
 Emma Stone
 Isla Fisher
Rose McGowan

 Aisha Tyler
Sarah Silverman
Charlize Theron
Cameron Diaz
Judy Greer

Could list a more if I thought about it. Case in point, people need to stop assuming everyone hating on those godawful trailers are misogynistic haters and realize they're basing their opinions on the terrible jokes, their even more terrible delivery, and the complete retcon of the original movies this pale imitation is hawking off. Very recently we've got Jurassic World, Terminator Genisys, and Mad Max: Fury Road. We even got a new Dumb and Dumber. Should have just made this a sequel that respected the established lore and got more nuanced actresses that don't go for the zany, whacky hijinks slapstick angle, which is completely unlike the original with the exception of Slimer.

PS: One of the worst jokes I've ever seen has to be the "
OK, I don’t know if it was a race thing, or a lady thing, but I’m mad as hell!" It's more a weight thing, you giant turd. No one wants to dislocate their shoulder catching your fat, sassy, loud-mouthed, gelatinous ass. I bet half the people in there would prefer to get eaten by the giant Scooby Doo looking dragon ghost then listen to one more second of your obnoxious ass. The possession bit in the first trailer was just as bad, with Melissa McCarthy's smug, possessed face and the fat black bitch screaming hackneyed Exorcist quotes.

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