Friday, April 29, 2016

White People With Dreads?! Oh My!

I am white. I have dreadlocks. Apparently this proves problematic for quite a few people. But ya know what? Good. I hope it really rustles the jimmies of these brain dead bigots, knowing my locks are both sexier and more badass than the pitiful Coolio locks they're trying to rock. I bet you limp wristed pieces of shit sat in a chair and had them formed over the course of a 3 hour appointment. Mine didn't.

My dreadlocks were forged on the fields of hedonistic battle. In early 2008, I shaved my head. And from that point on I decided I'd just let that shit grow however the fuck it wanted to. Traveling up and down the east coast, taking psychedelics from strangers and fucking mysterious hippie chicks in my tent at festivals, playing 3 sets at a single festival and jumping in as a guest guitar on other sets. Sleeping in the back seat of my car, on the couch at a band mates house, on uncomfortably rocky ground atop a cheap sleeping bag in a $30 Walmart tent in the mugginess of an upstate New York summer...these dreads formed on their own accord. They had a mind of their own. And if you think my hair knotting into badass chunks is somehow diminishing from YOUR can fuck yourself.

Tell you what...I'll lob off my biggest dreadlock and let you use that to fuck yourself with. I'm sure it's a chunkier, more earnest dreadlock than any of the ones hanging off your thick, bigoted skull.
How are dreadlocks a racial thing? How are they a cultural thing? There is no way to accurately pinpoint the first instance of dreadlocks throughout humanity, and even if there was.......would it matter what color their skin was? Not in the slightest.
If dreadlocks were a predominantly CAUCASIAN hair style, there is absolutely no way I'd feel obligated to shame any other race for deciding to rock the locks. (Or deciding to neglect brushing their hair and living a monotonous, predictable life.) Hair will lock, it will knot, and some times you'll get badass clumps of dead hair that can be used as utility holsters. Two of my dreads split in the middle into nooses. I've got a post-birth abortion noose on the left side of my head and a kitten noose on the right. One of my fatter dreads has a claw off of it that can be used to snort powdered substances (and flick a clitoris numb) and another has a dagger like end point that could fend off muggers, even if they're a Vampire. (Silver claw, motha fucka.)
 All you salty pieces of shit trying to convince yourselves dreadlocks are a cultural thing and not just a result of neglecting ones hair need a reality check. How about you suck my fattest dread and cup the roots as if they were my giant balls?

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