Thursday, February 18, 2016

Stop Being Proud of Your Periods

 
What the fuck is this shit? Why are bitches proud of bleeding from their slit? Why be proud of simple bodily functions? Am I proud when I take a dump? Am I proud to ejaculate? Am I proud to urinate on drunken feminists? Sure, in the rarest of circumstances, maybe I am proud of some of these simple bodily functions...but it's all dependent on context.
 
When I take a solid shit for the first time in 2 months (due to either my alcoholism or undetected colon cancer), I have some strange sense of accomplishment.
 
If I ejaculate on a really hot chicks tramp stamp, I'll be proud. But that was the journey to ejaculation I'm proud of, not the fact I ejaculated itself. Context, people. It's all about context. And on that note, there's plenty of contexts in which to be ASHAMED of ejaculating, like in a middle school bathroom or into a corpse.
 

The same can be said of periods - it'd be shameful to take a bunch of pictures as if it were some art gallery and be proud. That's just gross. Oh wait, someone actually did that. You go, girl! Or, it'd be shameful to run a marathon and then bleed all over the place to prove some sort of strange point. Your father must be proud...oh wait, that happened too. Or it'd be shameful to bleed on someone else's furniture after passing out on it from three whine colors mixed with your bipolar disorder medication. That's somethign to be embarrassed about, not an accomplishment. What happens when a feminist mistakenly bleeds on their friends furniture? "That was a statement against the patriarchy!" Sure thing, Liz...but can you clean it off my futon? For fucks sake.
 
It's like when guys brag about their beards, as if not taking a razor to your face for 8 months is some measure of masculinity. "Beard pride," "period pride"....people want medals for fucking existing these days.

Sure, I wake up with morning wood on a lot of days. Waking up with erections is a normal bodily function most men deal with....some of us on a daily basis. Personally, I either let it stay hard until it subsides or stroke it 'til I nut. I don't go post about "morning wood awareness" on social media, or tell people to stop "shaming me for my morning wood." I don't hire a sculptor to erect a statue in honor of my morning boner from February 15th, 2016. I deal with it privately and move on with my life. And when people make morning wood jokes, I laugh and relate. Like in 40 Year Old Virgin when he pisses all over himself with the morning wood? That makes me laugh. I don't feel necessitated to start some sort of misplaced, counterfeit moral crusade against the joke for being sexist to feel better about myself. And I don't feel some strange, misplaced pride that my body is functioning like most other male human bodies function.

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