Saturday, December 19, 2015

Don't You Dare Try and Be More Depressed Than Me, Bitch

So I went to grab a pack of smokes on my way home from a script writing session (Angles of Life, most depressing comedy ever motherfucker), and the lady at the gas station was acting all lethargic.

"Debit or credit?" she inquires.

"Debit," I respond. I swipe my card.

"You hit a button before I could enter it in the computer, that's awesome."

I hadn't hit a button, I had merely swiped my card. It was amusing though, so I felt the need to out-depress her.

"We all have jobs we hate," I say to her.

She paused a second, taken aback, and the responded with
"It's just so hot in here." 

"Well it's bitter cold out, there's probably homeless people dying in this weather outside."

Another silent pause followed, and I ended with a "Have a nice night and happy holidays."

Just sell me my boges without bitching and sighing and I won't ruin your night with some reality, yo. I just wanna go home, microwave a slice of Ellio's pizza, throw some natural shredded cheese over the top, and chain smoke my Marlboro 100's in between bowls of dispensary weed. Is that so much to ask?

Apparently it is, as I got hit up on Facebook shortly after arriving home. Here is the chat that followed.

Bitch, I want my Russian mail order bride ASAP. Don't taunt me you troll fuck. And I know, you're*

Friday, December 11, 2015

Missed Opportunities

Lament not the changing of tides and winds of change. Step over the missed opportunities piling at your feet like the figurative shavings off of your scarred soul. Learn from your mistakes and your missteps, utilize the knowledge found to further yourself. Let the pain of the present engulf a flame of burning passion to better the future, to move forward, onward and upward....

....or spiral down into the abyss of self-loathing apathy, miserable at the consequences you now face, the results of poor decisions, the results of jumping to conclusions. The death of potential romance leaves a hollowed out pit of numbness in your gut. The deceit of miscommunication clutches at your throat and drains all optimism, spilling out into a festering pool of despair, self-doubt, and stinging remorse.

Or just pack up a fat bowl of dispensary weed and jack off a few times.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Netflix and Chill

Netflix and chill is all the rage these days. You hear the term and variations of it thrown around liberally. Hulu and commitment, Amazon Prime and anal, cable television and handjobs, HBO Go and blow and blowjobs. It's no longer a hushed topic of conversation among bros and gaggles of female friends, it's moved right into the mainstream lexicon and people are openly acknowledging that we're all lustful animals that want to eat, drink, and whore our way throughout our 20's and early 30's. Nothing wrong with that. Couple that with Tinder and Uber, and you can have a rotating schedule of various women that you met and seduced on a cell phone app that you can then send home on a taxi ordered through another cell phone app. Not exactly the future predicted in the Jetson's, but whatever....fuck it, I'll take it.

If you think about it, Netflix and chill is really just the modern equivalent of dinner and movie dates. But there are really tons of benefits to Netflix and chill over your classic "dinner and a movie" date our parents used to go on.

1. You can smoke pot liberally. Sure, you can sneak a few J's into the movie theater...but I wouldn't suggest it. You don't want to trigger the fire alarm when you go see the Finding Nemo spin-off....or give children a contact high. They gotta pay if they wanna get lit, dawg.

2. You can drink liberally. No need to have your next potential girlfriend / fuck bud / booty call / hated ex sneak in a few 40's and moonshine nips into the theater. No need to ditch the empties and move two rows up in the theater. You gotta break the seal and take a mega piss? Pause the fucking movie. Take your time, tickle your butt cheeks a bit and strain out those extra few drops. The movie isn't going anywhere. The girl on your couch getting more hot and bothered as each minute passes isn't going anywhere. Shit, you can even piss right out your window if it's not the first "date." Give her a sample viewing of the meat she's about to dine on before the movie even finished introducing all the main characters.

3. You don't need to awkwardly propose the post-date hangout after the credits're already IN the post-date hangout. There is no date. If a girl is willing to come over and watch Netflix with you alone in your room, it's clear the pretense exists that the two of you wanna fuck each others brains out like rabbits on ecstasy. Have at it! Half the time you won't even make it 15 minutes into the movie before she's grabbing your dick and grinding against your side. So instead of having to wait until the credits roll, walk into the crisp night air and awkwardly fumble your words in the parking lot propositioning your date for some post-cinematic chilling, you'll more than likely be balls deep before the credits even roll. If you're a marksman you'll probably even get the Netflix "are you still watching this?" screen whilst still in the throes of coitus. No Netflix, we're not watching it, but it's good noise cover so everyone else in the house doesn't hear me going to pound town for the next 45 minutes, so by all means, hit me with the next episode or recommended movie.

4. You can pick a shitty movie, get right to business, then move on to something you actually DO want to watch after you've already got the sexual tension cleared.

5. Save some money. It's safe to assume everyone (at least in westernized culture) is hedonistic, morally deprived, and desperate to find meaning in this dying culture through attention whoring, social media, and dangerous sexual gratification. In light of this, why spend money on some chick who's leaving your house in the morning to go take a shower in the afternoon to get ready to ride another dudes cock in the night? Investing money into relationships is pointless, because relationships are dead. The movies lied, folks. Basically you find someone to fuck for a little while, one of you starts fucking someone else, and it ends. Half the time people don't even have the common decency to inform the other person they're bailing on the fuck arrangement and ghost the poor bastard / poor broad. So why not invest your money in yourself instead? $9 a month for Netflix could be your one way ticket to pound town.