Wednesday, June 3, 2015

The Specter City Slasher (Jon of the Shred)

Here to kick your teeth in and fuck your mom is a brand new synthwave, heavy metal, orchestral prog rock album. 12 crisp tracks to serve as the montage music of the impending zombie apocalypse.

 synthwave metal

Never heard of synthwave metal, you say? Never ventured the neon soaked alleyways and abandoned cities of the musical post-apocalypse? Well it's time you venture over to bandcamp and get ready to have your face melted clean off.

With sweeping orchestral symphonies, piercing guitar solos beckoning from the heavens, the chunky bass bombs of doom, and pounding tribal beats, this album will surely have you questioning your morals and feeling the urge to slay Lazer Raptors with Kung Fury after a few rounds of grain alcohol shots...blindfolded. And tripping sack on experimental LSD / DMT fusions. With a toothpick.

Is that 300 words? Is the article SEO optimized yet? FUCK. All right....

So imagine your girlfriend invites her hottest friend over, you know, the one you've always wanted to nail. You're all watching some stupid bullshit on Netflix on the couch together, when out of nowhere your girl turns to her friend and they start making out passionately. Your boner springs up with the force of a Thunder Gun express, ready to tear down these supple sugar walls like a torpedo fired from a space shuttle with technologies so powerful they're unknown to the general public and only a few key scientists are aware of their existence, two of said scientists already having been killed to silence them so that these torpedoes would not be used recklessly and shredding through teenage hymens like Andre the Giant ripping through a wet paper bag.

Get it yet? Synthwave. Dark Wave. New Retro Wave. Metal. Heavy Metal. Power Metal. Synth Metal. Metal Metal. Wood Metal. GO. LISTEN. TO. THE. FUCKING. ALBUM.