Friday, May 16, 2014

Troll Hunting (Part 17) The Glover Sisterhood

This one perplexes the fuck out of me. There's these LED light up gloves that hot raver sluts rock and do stupid little hand gestures with and wiggle their pinkies's a lame fad. All it's good for is giving me a mental image of these chicks giving glorious hand jobs. Male raver bros do the gloving thing too...but I'm not sure why. Gloving just seems like a woman's game, like knitting or having a period. Maybe at like, 15 it MIGHT seem cool...on drugs. But I'm 25 years old, I'm a grown ass man. I don't have the time to waste wearing light up gloves and waving them around like an asshole. Well, grown as man is a bit of stretch. My entire generation is winding up like Step Brothers lite.

I have a band, we play prog funk. We play a decent amount of shows, kick out some grooves and melt some faces. And our drummer, god bless his talented heart, is a practitioner of this gloving "art." He oftentimes posts about it, does it at shows. If that's your thing, have at it. It's all good, you do you. But I couldn't help but bust his chops when he had something to say about anti-glovers on Facebook. It quickly spiraled out of control, worthy of a "Troll Hunters" segment, no doubt.

Note: The pictures of crying babies were edited in. (Yes, you can edit your posts on Facebook.) Initially I was ragging on gloving and explaining how it's sort of a waste of time when you play killer drums, but when the argument continued far longer than I imagined it ever would I switched out my smallish rants and replaced them with those pictures. This made it look like all these gloving jabroni's were crying right along with the pictures, it was too perfect an opportunity to pass up.

I also want to note my initial comment was just supposed to be me fucking with my drummer, who I assume isn't crying like a little girl like all his gloving buddies are. We're in a band, we have a right to talk shit to each to other. That's what bands do. The rest of these random characters are out of their element, Donny.

 A day light show? What is that....the sun? It certainly doesn't take equal talent to drum and glove. Drumming requires you to keep multiple rhythmic times with multiple limbs simultaneously. A beginner drummer has to sort of portion of their brain to each limb to keep it on time. Much harder than patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time, and certainly much harder than gloving.

The real jackass here is Gabe. The amount of butthurt he gets from my trolling is a testament to how lame gloving is: the kid feels self-conscious about the very act he calls art. He can't separate himself from the gloving, take a step back, and laugh at it's foolishness. I laugh at the foolishness of my very own writings on this very blog all the time. His nickname on Facebook, get this, is NIGHT LIGHT. This melvin has a gloving monicker. This chode literally takes gloving so serious he gave his gloving alter ego a nickname. That's beyond pathetic.

The Anti Bad Vibe Shield? Give me a break, that's some faggoty shit right there.

All these retards coming to Zach's defense are too blinded by their seering butthurt, that they fail to realize we're in the same band. And if my trolling is equivalent of Kurtis's 10 year old brother, his rhetoric is equivalent of the baby pictures I'm posting given 5th grade-level articulation.

If a girl I was banging decided to fuck a glover on the side, I'd throw her to the curb almost as fast as I'd throw the shitty drugs these idiots take to make gloving look cool. Not to mention the picture Kurtis is using for his profile pic is this:

You can't rock that as your profile picture then throw a tantrum because some is picking fun at GLOVING, of all things. I don't even get this amount of feedback from raver kids when I talk shit about EDM and DJing, probably because the DJ's I associate with understand where I'm coming from and are also tired of cookie cutter space pressers stealing their work when they're capable of crushing it with vinyl and actually produce original productions.

Carl from Aqua Teen is my nigga. Nice try though, bro. You're still the cock sucker waving your hands around with light up gloves. Does the jingling of keys get you just as pumped up and ready to snort M1 as gloving?

The funny thing is, my buddy (creator of Requiem of Urbanity) wrote a business plan when we used to throw Womp 'Em Thursdays. This Kurtis character apparently STOLE THAT BUSINESS PLAN and started throwing Womp 'Em Wednesdays.

The only reason we've heard of you before is because we started the fucking event and you stole our business plan, you fucking clown.

In the end this deep, poetic insight into gloving was all it took to end the argument.

1 comment:

If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.