Thursday, May 8, 2014

569 Things Women Will Literally Never Get

My Facebook feed provided me an ample opportunity to vent today. I saw two hot chicks from high school or wherever post the same article that says "6 Things Men Will Literally Never Get." And you better god damn believe I'm gonna read it just to hurt my own brain. Much like witnessing a car accident and feeling obligated to continue watching the aftermath, this article forced it's way into my daily reading, all so I can process what I already knew beforehand would be bitter, pained thoughts. So just for kicks, I thought I'd debunk (or perhaps even agree with) the sentiments provided by the snooty, self-important woman who vents her disapproval of the woes of having a vagina. Oh the horror of having a 1000% higher success rate getting laid than any guy that isn't a celebrity. Here we go, another tired list article to pick fun at to vaguely amuse myself for 15 minutes before I smoke a bowl and fap to some lesbian scissor porn.

Let's start with the introductory statements, shall we?
"After years of meticulous field research, I have finally discovered that men will literally never get women. And I just don’t understand why. Okay, we’re “confusing.” But there’s millions of articles men can read, they’ve been told folklore, most likely have female family members, they’ve seen television.. And yet no matter how many times we bang it into their fucking head, they will NEVER GET US."

So according to this first paragraph, this woman KNOWS that she and her fellow lady-folk are confusing. And apparently, the solution to this issue is not, in fact, woman stop being so god damn confusing and saying what they actually fucking mean, like a decent human being. That's far too much responsibility. They're clearly well aware of this rampant behavioral trait, but the solution isn't on their side of the gender spectrum. Oh no, it's our job as males to do research into the psyche of women. We need to read any of the millions of articles, heed the wise words of relevant folklore, and cherish the valuable knowledge bestowed upon us by our television sets. Because lord knows this bitch can't just say what she feels instead of playing endless verbal games that gets no one anywhere, that is aside from the corner of 
Blue Balls Boulevard and Frustration Street.

So all I need to do is watch a season of Friends (my body is physically incapable of watching 5 minutes, never mind an entire episode, never mind an entire fucking season), read a few dozen biased articles, and regurgitate lessons taught through folklore, and I'll be swimming in pussy in no time? Thanks, Mena! If only I had known in high school that hours of mentally strenuous research would help me overcome the behavioral roadblock women have consciously put in place, boastfully acknowledge, and are too batshit crazy, self-important and selfish to ever attempt to fix. Why should these ladies sort out their shitty, slutty personalities when they can simply ignore the problem with their Big Pharma prescribed happy pills, ride the cock carosoul to keep them  vaugely self-satisfied with their empty, hollow existences, and rationalize their disrespectful mannerisms as common knowledge?

"We get them! Sure we don’t understand WHY they do half the things they do, but we accept it, understand it, and try to work with it. However, this empathetic approach to their sensitivities is all too often not reciprocated. A man can be a man in every aspect of life, but when it comes to a woman he turns into a pre pubescent boy who just doesn’t make the effort to understand and brushes off her feelings as “She’s just being a girl."
Yea, of course you fucking "Get" us guys. This is mostly due to the fact that we think with LOGIC. LOGIC dictates our actions, not emotional highs and lows. ALL you girls have to do to keep us happy is the occasional blowjob, a cooked meal every once-in-a-while and, above all else, loyalty. Loyalty as in, you aren't gonna go out to the club with your girls, trick a bunch of slack-jawed faggots into buying you drinks, twerk all over the dance floor as aforementioned faggots salivate and reach for their wallets, and basically have a whore-off with your shitty friends who are shitty influences in a shitty club dancing to shitty music surrounded by shitty people. We know how easy it is for you to spread your legs and have your hole filled...and coupled with this generations complete lack of self-respect, that is a frightening though. Loyalty as in not fucking our best friends two months into our relationship using some petty, insignificant comment your guy said as as an excuse to justify your biological promiscuity and broken moral compass.


And food.
That keeps a guy happy.
Of course you GET us, because we don't expect you to do hours of research or consult a local folklore expert to do so. We say what we mean and mean what we say. The way a guy thinks isn't a huge secret. You don't have to face 7 deadly trials to unearth the "Man's Brain Doctrine" of ancient BC times to figure out what we want for supper. Just suck our dick.......and no one else's. Be supportive. And stop being such giant fucking cunts. There's little more annoying than a feminist who is literally smug for being born with a vagina. Here's a though - go find an object, shove it into that vagina, and shut the fuck up.
Women have emotions like a stormy sea, and we DO understand that. Guys are finally waking up to the horrors of the "women entitlement / slut glorification" movement and getting fed up dealing with petty bullshit. Especially after pulling 8-hour shifts doing back-breaking physical labor. Forgive us for not practicing our psychic powers after 8 hours of lifting 80 lb boxes to pay for the drinks at the club you won't even appreciate but later mock in your shitty blog. (Your shitty blog I then, in turn, mock on my shittier blog.)
Well no, we’re not. We are emotionally intelligent and complex creatures, and you and your emotionally disabled, one track mind is resulting in failed communication. So men, for the thousandth time, let me explain to you some things about women that you will literally never get. Pay attention.
Guess what - ALL HUMANS are emotionally intelligent and complex creatures. Stop acting like women have this mysterious, enigmatic mind. Stop acting like it's a good thing to be indecisive, flakey and emotional. These are not GOOD things, they are BAD.

Humans in general are emotionally intelligent and complex. As are many animals. So yes, as shocking as it may seem to you ladies, men are also emotionally intelligent and complex creatures. The only difference is (most) of us men have a handle on our emotions and use LOGIC to determine our actions, whereas (most) women DO NOT have a handle on their emotions even you've basically admitted in the space of three paragraphs....and then fly off the handle, doing all sorts of morally reprehensible things to somehow get revenge for some emotional slighting they're too immature to move past or elaborate on vocally. Actions speak louder than words. And actions with your vagina speak louder than actions.

I'm paying attention slut, let's dance.

1. Drinks at the club

Hello dancing stranger. Oh, you offered to buy me a drink? Buy me two drinks. Buy me three drinks. Buy me and my friends bottles at your VIP table all night. Im very grateful for this drink, sir, but lets be clear. Buying me alcohol will not ensure you anything, buddy. So don’t go into shock mode and throw a temper tantrum when I go back to MY room with MY friends. Its been this way since the beginning of time! When will you learn. Unless you are Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m not coming with you. But thanks for the tequila! I just saved 15 percent or more by being a girl.

I agree with you on this one. Guys shouldn't be buying club rats drinks. Especially when they're gold digging whores. You aren't a gold digging whore, you say? Then why would you willingly leave the club with Leonardo DiCaprio? Because he's rich, famous, and will make you feel more special with his attention and lust than you'll ever be able to feel with the capabilities of your rotting, socially conditioned brain. Go twerk some more and drink your free drinks. I sure as hell won't be spending a dime on you until I've felt your feet on my shoulders.

2. When we say we need space

It means fight for us, fucker. Time never fixes a problem, it only delays a resolution or stops any resolution at all. Stop being such a coward, grow a pair of balls, and fight for us. It makes us feel wanted, needed, loved, important, irreplaceable. If you don’t, you didn’t deserve us anyway. Channing Tatum would never treat me this way. And even though we say you can’t buy our love, it’s a huge perk. Not saying dinners, movies, or shows will fix EVERYTHING, but we will appreciate the effort.
Bonus point: Bring us on a surprise vacation. Bitches love surprise vacations.

Awesome logic. Say one thing and mean the other. Of course men aren't going to understand women when they constantly say the opposite of what they feel to be all coy and elusive. Men are creatures of logic, not emotions, so we aren't gonna telepathetically read your minds and bow to your every wish and whim, especially when you mean the opposite of what you are vocalizing. If you ask me, a woman who asks for space but really wants attention is an immature, unintelligent skank who thinks the world revolves around her, and isn't worth my time. Want some space? Ok, here's 5 years of it. Fuck off.

And there she goes again, name-dropping celebrities. It isn't cute and it isn't exactly giving her writing an aura of legitimacy. These are the demands of a petty princess. Dinners, movies, and shows won't fix EVERYTHING, guys....better make sure your schedule is completely open, because you best dedicate that time to her. But not TOO much time, because than you'll come across needy.

How can this chick write these things and not realize how immature and hypocritical she comes across? Raining gifts on her is a good idea, guys! But remember, it doesn't fix EVERYTHING, so better clean her house, give her car an oil change, and pick her up hungover at the hotel she spent the night in getting double teamed by Leonardo DiCaprio and Channing Tatum. Slut.

3. We don’t over-think

We analyze. It is what it is. We will remember everything you’ve ever said, and we will break down every word. And you might call us crazy, but most of the time, our “overthinking” turns out to be correct, further prompting us to continue to overthink, trust our intuition, and not forget anything. And even if u think you found a “cool” girl (rolling eyes) who doesn’t do this, she does. Stop pretending to be cool, girl.
You really think your process is analytical? How can you write paragraph after paragraph boasting about how emotions run your life, because you're females, then claim that you are analytical in any fashion? Having a constant stream of wild, frenzied thoughts based on emotions and not on logic is not analyzing...that's the textbook definition of over-thinking. And usually after the over-thinking portion of the thought process is over, the thoughts start turning conniving and sociopathic real fast. Revenge is a dish best served in pink. Because bitches love revenge....especially when it isn't even necessary.

4. We already know the truth

Most of the time when we ask you something, we already know. So tell the fucking truth. The whole truth. We’d rather be hit with it all at once, rather then discover pieces over time. Or else now we REALLY are convinced that we are dating a lying sociopath who will continuously disregard our feelings and disrespect us. Lying about even the smallest things will change the way we look at you very quickly.

You already know the truth? What kind of bullshit statement is that? Clearly you DON'T know the truth, because you're completely ignoring situational context. All in an effort to put woman on an even higher pedestal....a pedestal man built with tools they also built, using materials they themselves harvested from the land they colonized and conquered.

If you want us to tell the truth, why don't YOU tell the truth too? It's fine for you to act nonchalant about your fiery emotions. It's fine for you to say "It's ok" when you're really not, correct? Well isn't that FUCKING LYING? So women are free to lie, because it's just part of their quirks as women....but men lying is a no-no. The hypocrisy in this article you've written is astounding, Mena. Hell, you brag even more about lying in the very next point you make........

5. When we say we’re fine, we’re NOT

This stereotype of a woman saying she’s fine when she’s not should basically be a law at this point. It is tried and true and happens all the time, and yet men STILL DONT GET IT. Maybe women say we are fine when we’re not because subconsciously we don’t want to come across as too bitchy or aggressive, or scare you off. Sometimes it’s because we think the problem is so FUCKING obvious that we are literally dumbfounded by how you can’t see it. Mostly we just want you to be our magical prince charming and fix it yourselves without us having to give u step-by-step directions every time. Do we have to spell EVERYTHING out for you?

Are you ok? Are you sure you're ok? You're totally fine? You're fine then? You said you're fine? Fine or not fine? Where did we land on the 'ok' thing? Because I really want to be as an attentive partner as I possibly.....oh what's that? I'm needy? I'm smothering you? You're gonna leave me and fuck my best friend? I'm sorry for making you feel that way. Are you ok?

We GET it. At least some of us do. The thing is, your childish attempt to fish attention out of us by saying "It's fine" and hoping we'll pursue further to boost your ego isn't gonna work with all of us. In fact, the second I hear "I'm fine" from a woman and know she's lying, I 100% take her at face value. As someone who speaks clearly, concisely, and articulates my thoughts with honesty and without sugar-coating, I expect the same RESPECT from you. It's downright disrespectful to expect your partner to be 100% attentive when you are acting out from a place of counterfeit indifference. If a woman is immature to the point of shielding their true emotions in a hopes the man will magically read her mind and tell her exactly what she wants to hear.....she's a spoiled princess with a broken brain and has likely had dozens of penises inside of our. And daddy issues. And Bi-Polar disorder. Avoid at all costs.

Either way, it happens. I’m sorry. So when we say we’re fine but you know we’re not, keep asking. Not once or twice, not even asking seven or eight times will get us to crack. I’m talking like 20 to 25 times over a span of a two to four hour period. And don’t just say “You okay?” “You okay?” “What’s wrong?” “You okay?” No. Say “baby I know something is really bothering you right now. I love you and I will never judge you for your feelings. Please tell me what’s going on so we can work on this together.” Ugh. That’s all you have to say. Damn it.
 What a crock of shit. "Baby I know something is really bothering you right now. I love you and I will never judge you for your feelings. Please tell me what's going on so we can work on this together." Any man who utters those words should have their testicles promptly removed. And he definitely isn't gonna keep that girl around talking like that. She'll jump on the first set of percocet dealing balls she can find.

Also, why apologize for a problem you have no intention of fixing? You're literally basking in the foul stench of your own selfish mannerisms. God damn self-entitled cunt. You KNOW this is a crock of shit. You don't want a sweet, nice guy, they're too wussified and won't get you wet where it counts. You want a badass that instinctively knows his role as the dominant, masculine energy in the relationship, not some limp-wristed whipping boy that reads your mind and kisses your feet after you've walked through the very shit you peddle day after day. The only way THAT guy will stay in good favor is if he ejaculates chocolate and is rich. And even then, you'll still cheat on him anyway because women have all the power in this bullshit, post-feminized society. Why cherish truth when we have political correctness?

6. Fantasies

Just like Men have their fantasies, women have ours – refer to The Vow, The Notebook, Titanic, The Great Gatsby, Magic Mike… We want ROMANCE. Call it stupid, call it unrealistic, call it whatever u want- I want my prince charming. We have all wanted him since we were little girls. We don’t call the things you want stupid, so don’t be so rude and piggish as to ridicule us. And if you want your fantasies fulfilled, then why don’t you man up and fulfill ours.

The Notebook, what a great example....a book I've heard is basically a woman prostituting herself for some painter she barely knows. What a mature and . All guys need is nasty sexual images for their fantasies, they have no false hope that some princess is gonna show up, because most of that 1% demographic of females....ya know, the ones with loyalty, self-awareness and intelligence....are already married or in the 4th year of healthy relationships. So we settle for the next best thing - the 99% of sluts that like being choked and getting their hair pulled that scream our names when we're balls deep.

Stop acting like you want Prince Charming. You want status, financial stability, a man to rear your child, and above all else masculinity. All the guys who act the way girls pretend they want them to act are lonely, miserable and have no idea why they can't get past the first date or outer layer of clothes. The indifferent guy with the drug habit and criminal rap sheet who continually feeds his women the drama and excitement they desperately crave to fill the void of their ambition-famished lives....that's they guy who will prevail.

If you are a male reading this article, please take note. Although it is speckled with humor, I have practically gifted you with a rule book of how to keep a girl happy. Do not disregard it. And yet, I’m sure you will completely. Because you’re stupid. And you’re not Channing Tatum in The Vow and you never will be and my therapist says I need to accept that. 

Hear that, guys? The cunt who wrote this hypocritical, self-entitled article thinks we're all stupid. She totally deserves to land a rich celebrity who will throw money at her feet, read her mind, and bow to her every will and want. So in other words...stay the fuck away from sluts with this type of poisonous mindset. That article was completely vapid, petty, and morally bankrupt.

1 comment:

If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.