Saturday, February 8, 2014

Of Tinder, Effortless Sex and Selfies

I got a smart phone recently. First time I've ever owned one of these technologically advanced cock-suckers. I've gotta admit, I wish I had gotten a smart phone earlier, it has so many perks. (And no, not percocet, but that would be badass too.)
  • An MP3 player in my car.
  • Comic book reader. I read the entire Walking Dead series right off my Galaxy, while waiting in line at Wal-Mart, while taking a dump, while driving to work. I started reading old school Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as well, and holy fuck were they violent in comic form. Leonardo literally slices peoples throats open.
  • I actually get service in most places, which is strange as a T-Mobile customer.
  • Wi-Fi internet.
  • After years of dealing with really shitty phones, I actually get good reception. Now I can hear a discernible, static-ridden difference when the government is tapping my call.
  • Notifications from G-mail and Soundcloud right on my phone are very convenient.
  • Any time I come up with a hilariously witty anecdote, I can sign right into Facebook and desperately seek the approval of my Facebook "friends."
  • I have the opportunity to smash sluts I've never met based on a match system that links people who share mutual attraction of each others Facebook photos.
That's right, I've downloaded a dating app out of equal parts curiosity and horniness, and as you already could tell from the article title, it's a little app called Tinder. Basically I get presented with the Facebook pictures of girls that live within 75 miles, and then have the option of either "Liking" the picture or giving a fat old "NOPE." (NOPE being the option I assume 99% of the women on this app choose when presented with my profile.)

In other words, you get shown a picture and the app is basically saying "Would you bang her? Ok, how about her? And her?"

I use it sparingly because I already know I ain't gonna get my dick wet using this stupid fucking app. Sure, I would gladly smash 90% of the chicks on Tinder, but that's because 90% of the chicks on Tinder are pretty hot. Plus, since I never really considered sex all that big of a deal, my standards are pretty lenient. I've had better orgasms whacking off than the orgasms I've had with some of the loose sluts I've fucked in my shameless day. I bet these Tinder sluts get 100 matches every day, so why they gonna shoot for the kid with dreadlocks raging a guitar on stage? They aren't aware of the monstrous size of my dick, and on top of that, ambition dries pussy up faster than a 2 inch cock with a visible herpes lesion.
So many hot chicks on there, though. It blows my mind how many hot chicks are on Tinder. That SHOULD be a good thing, right? Hot chicks on a dating app is win for all of us guys who are desperate, pathetic, or curious enough to try it out, RIGHT?! Better than choosing between a bunch of uglies.
But why the fuck do hot chicks need a dating app? How could they possibly need MORE dick in their lives?
I'd say it's really about the attention; these chicks seek that validation from strangers. They feel validated when they get 75 matches in the course of a half hour, and now they even have all sorts of options available to them, should they decide to leave their boyfriend and monkey branch right into their next relationship. When the rush of getting 50 likes on their daily selfies with corny quotes attached dissipates, a new rush is required to fill that void. So, enter sites like Instagram, and dating apps like Tinder. A woman does NOT need a fucking dating app to get laid, that's preposterous.
Women get laid effortlessly. Sure, she'll do her hair all nice, take an hour to do her makeup, choose an outfit....then she has the arduous and taxing burden of contacting the other 8 dudes she was thinking about fucking that night to tell them all she's busy with college work before heading out for a night of effortless, casual sex. This process repeats indefinitely - a woman could go her entire life monkey branching from one casual fling to the other, and all she needs to do is put on makeup (false-advertising) and get good at toying with peoples emotions, borderline-sociopath style.

Women work hard to make themselves look good, and they work even harder to maintain a non-whorish reputation...but sadly, with most women of my generation, that's where the self-development ends. Some chicks really are CUNTS, in that all they are is a
vagina with a body attached and a boring, socially engineered personality. No original thought. No passions. No hobbies. Oh, you hula hoop, you say? Hula hooping is your passion, that's your big ambition? That isn't a fucking hobby unless the hula hoop is on fire, you talentless skank. You expect to win a gold medal at the olympics in sexy hula hooping? Find yourself some ambition, maybe then you won't need three dicks inside you at all times to feel semi-happy about your boring personality and mundane life.
For women, getting laid is like shooting cocks in a barrel. A simple text, a simple Facebook status complaining about needing to cuddle, and a dozen or more suitors will be swarming this broad in minutes, like flies on shit.
I just don't get it. Why are these sluts complaining? Why are they acting so hurt and mistreated and abused all the time, complaining on Facebook with vaguely slutty, attention seeking bullshit? It's so fashionable to talk shit about men...we're all pigs, we all cheat, all we want is sex, blah blah blah. But at least we're fucking honest. At least we're transparent. And literally every one of those not only applies to females too, they arguably apply even more. Most women are pigs, most women are 99.99% more likely to cheat than men, and all they really want is sex. (And your money. {And security. [And to feel wanted. <And unwarranted, constant attention.>]})

I've seen this one chick running around festivals half naked, getting free drugs and being followed by a constant swarm of male admirers, and all this bitch does online is post self-pitying bullshit on her Facebook. ALL SHE NEEDS TO DO IS TEXT ANY MALE IN HER PHONE....and she'll get laid that night. I know, because I saw her at festivals. She can get dick in less than 10 minutes, depending on location. I would give her the dick. And yet all she does is complain, and whine, and hate on all men just because her shallow personality attracts equally shallow suitors. How you gonna sit there and act all depressed when you can get laid effortlessly? How do you expect me to feel bad for you when I've gone a full year without getting my dick wet? This bitch expects to have her cake spoon-fed to her while she purchases the bakery and fires the original owner. She's complaining about "there are no decent guys left, waaaahhh" and yet the first decent guy that shows any interest in her, she'll immediately treat like shit. It's almost as if most women are even more clueless about how their brains work than us guys are.

Oh no, effortless sex isn't enough for these stupid sluts, they constantly fish for attention with weepy, woe-is-me bullshit. Just look at this shit, I've seen several girls post this, actually. If you're one of them and are reading this, I'll make you feel all sorts of wanted with my giant dick. Stop whining and jump on my face, you sloppy slam pigs.
I’m a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.
What a crock of melodramatic bullshit. I hope the person that quote originated from slit their wrists right after posting it. And to any female sharing this quote for about you go on Tinder for 3 minutes and get yourself laid? That's all the time you'll need because YOU'RE A FUCKING GIRL and have to put in no effort whatsoever. Try being a man, you whiney sluts. You know how much effort it takes to get laid for a guy? Too much for me to even give a fuck about it, it's just not worth the effort when I have actual shit going on in life to worry about. When I actually get laid, it's usually quite effortlessly. But that's because sex, and the desire to get laid, doesn't dictate the flow and mood of my life. (Or maybe it's because when I get laid it's usually with sluts. Or, mayhap, a combination of the two.)

Why the fuck should I put a shit-ton of effort to get laid? Compared to the entirely shallow and hollow personality of most sluts these days, I'm the fucking prize. Most of these girls have a hole I want to put my dick inside, and they look nice. What else do most of them have besides being hot? Nothing; that's why they attention whore on social media. Me, I have a band, have a solo music project, compose soundtracks, write comedy, dabble in graphic design, play a dozen instruments, develop a comedy web-series, throw shows, play at music festivals....I got ambition and the talent to back it up. And although I'm not conventionally good-looking....the whole dreadlock and beard look narrows my chances down considerably....I'm pretty jacked for someone who hasn't been to a gym in years. And all she does is look hot and have a hole that makes my pole swole.

Sorry, not interested in chasing around vapid, boring sluts just because it feels really, really, really good to stick my dick inside their slit. I'll just use my hand until a chick worth keeping around shows up. But relationships are all a crock of shit nowadays too, because as a wise man once said, you can lead a vagina to the water but you can't make the vagina drink. Chicks complain all the fucking time how there are "no nice guys" left, how chivalry and loyalty are dead. Well guess what, skanks? You fucking killed them both, you dumb sluts, because any time a guy that's a decent person shows interest you lose interest immediately. Even the term "Nice guy" is patronizing, as if this chode is gonna be taking his jacket off to escort girls over puddles. Hey Mr Nice Guy, why not lead the stupid slut AROUND THE FUCKING PUDDLE? The world is a big place, you can move in many diverse directions.

I mean, part of me wishes I was a womanizer. But another part of me is glad I don't have herpes, and still another part of me prefers having actual ambition in life beyond getting my dick wet. And unfortunately, it seems like the majority of the entire generation I'm from base their entire lives around relationships, around getting laid. That goes for women AND men. What a shallow, trivial existence. You really NEED a spouse to feel complete in life? Fucking losers.

I'm talking a lot of shit about the females of my generation in this article, but make no mistake readers, I am an equal-opportunity hater. Most dudes these days are lame as fuck too. But why should I care? Other than the fact they're the ones getting all the pussy......the generic wiggers that act gangster when they're from the suburbs. The talentless DJs who press space, fist pump for hours, and get treated with unwarranted respect and admiration, despite the fact they literally just let other peoples music play through a PA system and took credit for it. Why should I give a fuck, though? Boring, generic idiots banging boring, generic sluts seems about right. Yep, most of this generation sucks ass.

There are people out there who have no talents, no dreams, no ambitions....they constantly seek validation through their Facebook, despite not having a single insightful thing to say. How you gonna fish for compliments on Facebook with selfies? Why not share a piece of music you composed, a painting you painted, a witty anecdote? Of course, every time I share my music or art or comedy, it gets largely ignored. People get pretty annoyed when you promote the stuff YOU SPENT HOURS CREATING. Maybe they're just self-conscious that they themselves have no talent to speak of, and the talent of others makes them uncomfortable. 
"STOP INVITING ME TO EVENTS!" Well stop being a shallow fucking idiot and getting angry when someone else shows more initiative in life than you. The cocksuckers getting mad at event invites on Facebook should not be on Facebook. Because if the 5 seconds it takes to look at a Facebook notification, and realizing it's only an event invite, is enough to make you personally attack someone clearly you have absolutely no life. You're enraged your notification feed is being filled without more validation for your crappy existence.

Hilariously enough, the people who do everything they do in life just to get laid are the exact people that SHOULD NOT be breeding. If your entire existence revolves around sex, you're doing it wrong.
I swear the majority of (single) women in my generation have three hobbies: shopping, partying, and fucking. How these are even considered hobbies is beyond me, because who DOESN'T like buying themselves shit, getting wasted with friends, and fucking? And yet for some reason, all a chick has to do is bat her eyelashes and bite her lower lip and most dudes (myself included) are half-stiff and ready to smash immediately.

Wait, what were we talking about again? Tinder? Oh ya, Tinder.
This is what I call, "Desperation Mode."

Just a side-note, I speak in very wide, sweeping generalizations through this article. Everyone I personally associate with in real life and consider friends are good people with talent and aspirations and interesting personalities. I wouldn't take a bullet for most of them, but I would attack the gunman with only minor hesitation.

The birds eye view of society I use on this blog will almost always generate long-winded, negative rants - that's why it's called venting. I'm specifically honing in on what I hate to wring out any sort of half-baked comedy I can.

In other words, if I think you're a fucking idiot, I'd tell you in person, or just stop associating with you entirely. Most people I know are rad, and I am of the impression that most people have the capability to be rad. It's the social conditioning that shoehorns people into boring, shallow's their job to rise above that monotony, think for themselves, and become an interesting person. Not just a generic automaton looking to get laid like most people seem to be. Find your passion, your talent, and attempt to live your dreams. Most will fail in succeeding their dreams, but hey, at least an actual attempt was made, something more than the average menu of working a 9-5, paying your bills, desperately fumbling through relationships and/or casual sex to give your shallow existence meaning, and being a completely boring fuck.


  1. I stumbled across this whilst searching the Internet for articles/posts that may be relevant for my dissertation. This is not but as a woman in made me feel nauseous - sorry did I say woman? I meant 'slut' or 'skank'.

    1. What's your thesis on? I'll help you out with it if you wanna sit on my face.....skank.

      No, but seriously, what the fuck is your thesis on? Here are the tags for this article:
      Labels: Alyssa Rosales, elcor rape.jpg, emilia clarke ass, emilia clarke game of thrones nude, game of thrones nudity. interspecies rape hentai, irrelevant tags, selfies, Tinder, Walking Dead

      Is your thesis on Alyssa Rosales, the dog fucker? Is it on Emilia Clarke's ass? Emilia Clarke's ass is voluptuous and looks delicious, but it certainly isn't worthy of a college thesis.

      "This is not but as a woman in made me feel nauseous - sorry did I say woman? I meant 'slut' or 'skank'."

      What were you trying to articulate there? If you can't string together three coherent sentences in succession then I assume the satirical nature of this blog might go over your heard. Needless to say, if you're too offended to invalidate the actual points made in this article, whilst simultaneously ignoring the very obvious humor, you feel guilty and the points I'm making likely apply to you.

  2. Looking for the Best Dating Site? Create an account and find your perfect match.


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.