Friday, January 31, 2014

Shakira and Rihanna Scissoring

On rare occasion, once in thirty blue moons, I decide to masturbate to a music video*. I think the last time this happened was watching TRL back in the day, throwing the TV on mute when Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were on TV slutting it up...great fap material for a 5th grader. Yesterday I decided it was time to watch my first music video since masturbating to Genie in a Bottle.
 
You know what shot I hate in music videos? That shot when it shows the sexy slut lip-synching her crappy lyrics, then it cuts to another shot of her NOT singing but slightly moving in slow motion, as the words continue playing behind her. And they'll do this every other line of the song. What the fuck is that shit? What kind of tacky editing is that?

 In my older age, music videos aren't nearly raunchy enough. I ain't gonna see any slits, buttholes or nipples, so surely I can't cum within the 3 minutes of video any given pop starlets churn out. But if the title is striking enough, I do decide to give it a muted watch, if only to admire the voluptuousness of the Illuminati's mind-fucked sex kittens.

*Masturbating to music videos is basically masturbating to sexy chlamydia stricken pop stars who are running around music video sets ridden with blatant, over-the-top occult symbolism that references MK Ultra, Sex Kitten programming, baphomet, freemasonry, and Barack Obama.
 
I saw Shakira and Rihanna in the title, my penis smiled up at me, so I turned down the volume and hit play. "Let's see where this takes us." It was like I was 14 all over again, back when Shakira was throwing down that horrible song that was all like, "Whenever....wherever, I'll be here and you'll be near." I always thought her singing voice was strangely manish. But that video was all the fap rage back in the day. Middle school debate sessions raged on which was the hottest: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Shakira, Avril Lavigne. Now Shakira is back, and she brought a tasty little bit of dark chocolate with her. If they aren't scissoring by the end of this video like an oreo I'm gonna be pissed.

So I hit play and my mind is noticeably more cynical than the days of rosy palms and rosy cheeks. Instead of simply admiring these sluts parading around half naked, I'm also shaking my head in disgust at the corniness of the music video. More Shakira in a pool topless, splashing water, less over-emoted lip synching. Smoking cigars and dry humping each other? Keep doing that the entire video. Better yet, cut the music entirely out and just make a video of Rihanna and Shakira scissoring, competing to make each other cum first.


The way Rhianna enters the video is retarded, then she gives all these intense stares into the camera. These sluts take this shit way too seriously. Then it cuts to close ups of their asses against walls, and they're shaking them. It's simultaneously embarrassing and arousing. Who thinks this shit up? Why is it sexy when it's so fucking stupid? I wanna laugh at this video and masturbate to it at the same time.


I mean, who does that? Why is she bumping her ass against the wall as if she's sexually frustrated? She could text any person in her phone with a dick and be getting smashed 15 minutes later, depending on traffic. Hot women don't run around their houses all horned up, writhing against furniture. They go get fucked. This makes no sense. It's fun to watch but makes no sense.



C'mon Shakira, slide your body just a foot to the left. You can do it, we're all rooting for you.




So.....close......



Damn. Oh well. At least this GIF exists now.

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