Saturday, August 23, 2014

Eat This Jerky Or Bad Juju Follow You

This jerky is the be all end all of jerky. If you eat this jerky your bench press will double, you'll get a raise, and your wife will finally want to do a threesome. If you eat this jerky whilst fighting ninjas with semi-automatic weaponry, you'll gain the ability to shoot laser beams from your fingertips - but only on a full moon in October. Eat this shit, son.....or else.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Classic Kids Room Hidden Obeject Review

Hey guys, time for another Sweet Funky Freedom Review! BADABOOSH! This review is pertaining to a game found on the eduxtive website. Eduxtive is a website that offers educational themed games for children. These games are free and streaming directly on the website, and are admittedly quite addictive, not unlike dust or hoochie.

The game I'm choosing to review for this particular adventure in writing will be the "Classic Kids Room Hidden Obeject Review." I gotta say, the misspelling of the word "Object" immediately drew me to the game like a magnet. The game itself gave me a very high and potent dose of nostalgia - this game totally reminds me of the I Spy games. It's reminiscent, in fact, of a number of games we played in grade school computer class, the names of which escape me but were ultimately very fun and addictive games despite their educational slant.
This game focuses on finding objects within each room. You get a half dozen images at the top of the screen, things like alarm clocks, teddy bears and other stuffed animals, globes, books, radios and hats, among other things. You must find them amongst the room, but be weary, for all the objects are cluttered about in a clumsily messy fashion.

There is also a time limit, so make sure your clicking is efficient and true! I'd also advise you be careful where exactly you choose to click - if you click an incorrect object, you'll be penalized points for your hastiness and lack of patience. Kids need this aspect to games - if you don't add the penalty, they'll think they can make it through their entire lives spam clicking blindly in the dark, hoping to hit the right objects and progress based on sheer luck alone. This game tells you that NO! That isn't possible, Little Timmy!

I highly suggest "Classic Kids Room Hidden Objects" as it teaches children several great foundations to success in life: your life is on a schedule, don't make haphazard mistakes, and choose your options carefully and with confidence.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Elliot Rodgers: The Result of a Limp Wristed Society

What an entitled, shitty, smug son of a bitch that Elliot Rodgers cock-sucker was. I watched some of his videos on Youtube, and dear lord...I don't think I've seen a shittier person with a shittier attitude in all my days alive. But making shitty videos is one thing....vent brah, go for it. Everyone needs to vent. Posting embarrassingly narcissistic videos is one way to go about it, I guess. One would hope a healthier route could be taken, with a dose of self-awareness perhaps. Not all of us can be hilarious or insightful with our venting....but I suppose as long as you get it out there, at least you'll never feel compelled to kick your dog in the face, or shoot up your school, or something else drastic and unwarranted, ya know? Having spilled your negative feelings out publicly, you can move past the negativity and build yourself up stronger....right? RIGHT?!

Shit, I guess not. This melodramatic, whiny little bitch shot up a sorority house and killed 6 people before turning the gun on himself. And all because he couldn't get laid.
Wait, THIS kid is complaining about not getting any pussy? Who's he trying to kid? Of course you aren't gonna get any gash when you look like you were born with a dick in your mouth. Look at those cock sucking lips....the spiked up hair. Instead of shooting up the local sorority, this kid should have shot up the local truck stop glory-hole. Although that might not have helped his situation, he does have that creepy dead-eyed stare most serial killers have. And those videos showcase a truly broken mind attempt to glorify themselves for...owning a BMW? Shit, I thought narcissists were supposed to harbor some sort of talent to be delusional about, not a possession they likely didn't even pay for.
Look, whether the kid was sexually confused and attempting to rationalize his dormant homosexuality by blaming women, or legitimately was obsessed with getting pussy to the point of murderous insanity after being rejected for so many years, I gotta ask......what the fuck? This little faggot was born in the lap of luxury, but apparently never developed any social skills or empathy. Guess when one of your parents is an assistant director of the Hunger Games and you own your very own BMW, women should totally throw themselves at your feet.....despite your creepily hollow personality. Or men should throw themselves at your feet. Or, trannies? Whatever it was he was into, I suppose.
This is the result of a limp wristed, politically correct society. What this kid needed wasn't a prescription, of which he likely had several, what he needed was a hard right hook to his jaw, a broken nose, a black eye....someone to tell him to stop being a smug little cunt. In toughening up, maybe he wouldn't have resorted to murder to fill the emptiness in his heart that could only be filled with the touch of a woman. Or man, or whatever.
"Hi, Elliot Rodger here. Well, this is my last video. It all has to come to this. Tomorrow is the day of retribution, the day I will have my revenge against humanity, against all of you."
Good, no more shitty, depressing and creepy videos for your channel. Did this kid ever watch these videos back after recording them, and realize how pathetic he was? Seriously, all the answers to his inability to moisten panties was in the  videos he made about not being able to moisten panties. If there was a barometer for creepiness pressure, the thing would have exploded within a mile radius of this kid during the filming of any of his Patrick Bateman-esque videos. I wonder if he had to do multiple takes? Or wrote scripts?

I also love the indictment of all of humanity. ALL of humanity deserves to suffer because this insignificant closet twink couldn't get his butt reamed. This is the very definition of entitled, and a perfect example of why safe, clean prostitution should be offered in a Game of Thrones-esque, Brothel fashion. We should be able to buy pussy / cock in-store, whatever your heart desires. That'd prevent lunatics like this from gunning down women to trick everyone into thinking he's straight, or gunning down women for not sleeping with him despite his owning a BMW, or....wait, what were his motives again?
"For the last eight years of my life, since I hit puberty, I've been forced to endure an existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires, all because girls have never been attracted to me. Girls gave their affection and sex and love to other men, never to me."
This existence of loneliness, rejection and unfulfilled desires is 100% self-induced. With a personality like that, you dig your own grave. How about being a friendly, sincere person instead of thinking the world is gonna bend over backwards to kiss your ungrateful ass? You think your last 8 years were hell? Try growing up somewhere you aren't given the keys to a BMW.

THAT is living in hell. THAT is poverty, of despair. This kid literally ends 6 innocent lives because he isn't good with women / can't come to grips with his love of dick? Give me a break. There are kids who fight to stay alive every day. Even our society sucks. There's so much more to bitch about then something so selfish and personal as "No one wants to fuck me, waaah." But what do you complain about?
"College is the time when everyone experiences those things such as sex and fun and pleasure. In those years I've had to rot in loneliness, it's not fair.
There's 8 year olds in Africa with AIDs. Is that fair? Seems a lot less fair than you not being to get your jollies off. Maybe you should have went to an all-boy school.

"You girls have never been attracted to me. I don't know why you girls aren't attracted to me but I will punish you all for it. It's an injustice, a crime because I don't know what you don't see in me, I'm the perfect guy and yet you throw yourselves at all these obnoxious men instead of me, the supreme gentleman. I will punish all of you for it. [laughs]

"You girls," he says. "You girls." Very awkward emphasis on chicks in his video, dude was likely pining for a BBC in his SEB. (Smug entitled butthole)

"On the day of retribution, I am going to enter the hottest sorority house at UCSB and I will slaughter every single spoiled, stuck-up, blond slut I see inside there. All those girls I've desired so much. They have all rejected me and looked down on me as an inferior man if I ever made a sexual advance toward them, while they throw themselves at these obnoxious brutes.

Retribution for what? Your serial killer-esque personality scaring away women? Your inability to cope with homosexual desires? What is the retribution for?
noun: retribution
punishment that is considered to be morally right and fully deserved.

Killing innocent people because you can't get laid isn't morally correct. That's like stubbing your toe at work so you slit your bosses throat. A true act of retribution would be your gun jamming during your little killing spree, someone pulling you from your car and kicking your teeth down your throat.
"I take great pleasure in slaughtering all of you., You will finally see that I am, in truth, the superior one, the true alpha male.

Apparently the superior one, the true alpha male is driven to murderous insanity after 22 years of virginity. Doesn't sound superior or alpha to me. Sounds like a punk bitch who should have gotten their ass kicked years ago, knock some of those narcissistic thoughts loose. I'm not even gonna bother finishing with his transcript, this kid is the epitome of self-entitlement, the polar opposite of self-awareness.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Troll Hunting (Part 17) The Glover Sisterhood

This one perplexes the fuck out of me. There's these LED light up gloves that hot raver sluts rock and do stupid little hand gestures with and wiggle their pinkies's a lame fad. All it's good for is giving me a mental image of these chicks giving glorious hand jobs. Male raver bros do the gloving thing too...but I'm not sure why. Gloving just seems like a woman's game, like knitting or having a period. Maybe at like, 15 it MIGHT seem cool...on drugs. But I'm 25 years old, I'm a grown ass man. I don't have the time to waste wearing light up gloves and waving them around like an asshole. Well, grown as man is a bit of stretch. My entire generation is winding up like Step Brothers lite.

I have a band, we play prog funk. We play a decent amount of shows, kick out some grooves and melt some faces. And our drummer, god bless his talented heart, is a practitioner of this gloving "art." He oftentimes posts about it, does it at shows. If that's your thing, have at it. It's all good, you do you. But I couldn't help but bust his chops when he had something to say about anti-glovers on Facebook. It quickly spiraled out of control, worthy of a "Troll Hunters" segment, no doubt.

Note: The pictures of crying babies were edited in. (Yes, you can edit your posts on Facebook.) Initially I was ragging on gloving and explaining how it's sort of a waste of time when you play killer drums, but when the argument continued far longer than I imagined it ever would I switched out my smallish rants and replaced them with those pictures. This made it look like all these gloving jabroni's were crying right along with the pictures, it was too perfect an opportunity to pass up.

I also want to note my initial comment was just supposed to be me fucking with my drummer, who I assume isn't crying like a little girl like all his gloving buddies are. We're in a band, we have a right to talk shit to each to other. That's what bands do. The rest of these random characters are out of their element, Donny.

 A day light show? What is that....the sun? It certainly doesn't take equal talent to drum and glove. Drumming requires you to keep multiple rhythmic times with multiple limbs simultaneously. A beginner drummer has to sort of portion of their brain to each limb to keep it on time. Much harder than patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time, and certainly much harder than gloving.

The real jackass here is Gabe. The amount of butthurt he gets from my trolling is a testament to how lame gloving is: the kid feels self-conscious about the very act he calls art. He can't separate himself from the gloving, take a step back, and laugh at it's foolishness. I laugh at the foolishness of my very own writings on this very blog all the time. His nickname on Facebook, get this, is NIGHT LIGHT. This melvin has a gloving monicker. This chode literally takes gloving so serious he gave his gloving alter ego a nickname. That's beyond pathetic.

The Anti Bad Vibe Shield? Give me a break, that's some faggoty shit right there.

All these retards coming to Zach's defense are too blinded by their seering butthurt, that they fail to realize we're in the same band. And if my trolling is equivalent of Kurtis's 10 year old brother, his rhetoric is equivalent of the baby pictures I'm posting given 5th grade-level articulation.

If a girl I was banging decided to fuck a glover on the side, I'd throw her to the curb almost as fast as I'd throw the shitty drugs these idiots take to make gloving look cool. Not to mention the picture Kurtis is using for his profile pic is this:

You can't rock that as your profile picture then throw a tantrum because some is picking fun at GLOVING, of all things. I don't even get this amount of feedback from raver kids when I talk shit about EDM and DJing, probably because the DJ's I associate with understand where I'm coming from and are also tired of cookie cutter space pressers stealing their work when they're capable of crushing it with vinyl and actually produce original productions.

Carl from Aqua Teen is my nigga. Nice try though, bro. You're still the cock sucker waving your hands around with light up gloves. Does the jingling of keys get you just as pumped up and ready to snort M1 as gloving?

The funny thing is, my buddy (creator of Requiem of Urbanity) wrote a business plan when we used to throw Womp 'Em Thursdays. This Kurtis character apparently STOLE THAT BUSINESS PLAN and started throwing Womp 'Em Wednesdays.

The only reason we've heard of you before is because we started the fucking event and you stole our business plan, you fucking clown.

In the end this deep, poetic insight into gloving was all it took to end the argument.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

569 Things Women Will Literally Never Get

My Facebook feed provided me an ample opportunity to vent today. I saw two hot chicks from high school or wherever post the same article that says "6 Things Men Will Literally Never Get." And you better god damn believe I'm gonna read it just to hurt my own brain. Much like witnessing a car accident and feeling obligated to continue watching the aftermath, this article forced it's way into my daily reading, all so I can process what I already knew beforehand would be bitter, pained thoughts. So just for kicks, I thought I'd debunk (or perhaps even agree with) the sentiments provided by the snooty, self-important woman who vents her disapproval of the woes of having a vagina. Oh the horror of having a 1000% higher success rate getting laid than any guy that isn't a celebrity. Here we go, another tired list article to pick fun at to vaguely amuse myself for 15 minutes before I smoke a bowl and fap to some lesbian scissor porn.

Let's start with the introductory statements, shall we?
"After years of meticulous field research, I have finally discovered that men will literally never get women. And I just don’t understand why. Okay, we’re “confusing.” But there’s millions of articles men can read, they’ve been told folklore, most likely have female family members, they’ve seen television.. And yet no matter how many times we bang it into their fucking head, they will NEVER GET US."

So according to this first paragraph, this woman KNOWS that she and her fellow lady-folk are confusing. And apparently, the solution to this issue is not, in fact, woman stop being so god damn confusing and saying what they actually fucking mean, like a decent human being. That's far too much responsibility. They're clearly well aware of this rampant behavioral trait, but the solution isn't on their side of the gender spectrum. Oh no, it's our job as males to do research into the psyche of women. We need to read any of the millions of articles, heed the wise words of relevant folklore, and cherish the valuable knowledge bestowed upon us by our television sets. Because lord knows this bitch can't just say what she feels instead of playing endless verbal games that gets no one anywhere, that is aside from the corner of 
Blue Balls Boulevard and Frustration Street.

So all I need to do is watch a season of Friends (my body is physically incapable of watching 5 minutes, never mind an entire episode, never mind an entire fucking season), read a few dozen biased articles, and regurgitate lessons taught through folklore, and I'll be swimming in pussy in no time? Thanks, Mena! If only I had known in high school that hours of mentally strenuous research would help me overcome the behavioral roadblock women have consciously put in place, boastfully acknowledge, and are too batshit crazy, self-important and selfish to ever attempt to fix. Why should these ladies sort out their shitty, slutty personalities when they can simply ignore the problem with their Big Pharma prescribed happy pills, ride the cock carosoul to keep them  vaugely self-satisfied with their empty, hollow existences, and rationalize their disrespectful mannerisms as common knowledge?

"We get them! Sure we don’t understand WHY they do half the things they do, but we accept it, understand it, and try to work with it. However, this empathetic approach to their sensitivities is all too often not reciprocated. A man can be a man in every aspect of life, but when it comes to a woman he turns into a pre pubescent boy who just doesn’t make the effort to understand and brushes off her feelings as “She’s just being a girl."
Yea, of course you fucking "Get" us guys. This is mostly due to the fact that we think with LOGIC. LOGIC dictates our actions, not emotional highs and lows. ALL you girls have to do to keep us happy is the occasional blowjob, a cooked meal every once-in-a-while and, above all else, loyalty. Loyalty as in, you aren't gonna go out to the club with your girls, trick a bunch of slack-jawed faggots into buying you drinks, twerk all over the dance floor as aforementioned faggots salivate and reach for their wallets, and basically have a whore-off with your shitty friends who are shitty influences in a shitty club dancing to shitty music surrounded by shitty people. We know how easy it is for you to spread your legs and have your hole filled...and coupled with this generations complete lack of self-respect, that is a frightening though. Loyalty as in not fucking our best friends two months into our relationship using some petty, insignificant comment your guy said as as an excuse to justify your biological promiscuity and broken moral compass.


And food.
That keeps a guy happy.
Of course you GET us, because we don't expect you to do hours of research or consult a local folklore expert to do so. We say what we mean and mean what we say. The way a guy thinks isn't a huge secret. You don't have to face 7 deadly trials to unearth the "Man's Brain Doctrine" of ancient BC times to figure out what we want for supper. Just suck our dick.......and no one else's. Be supportive. And stop being such giant fucking cunts. There's little more annoying than a feminist who is literally smug for being born with a vagina. Here's a though - go find an object, shove it into that vagina, and shut the fuck up.
Women have emotions like a stormy sea, and we DO understand that. Guys are finally waking up to the horrors of the "women entitlement / slut glorification" movement and getting fed up dealing with petty bullshit. Especially after pulling 8-hour shifts doing back-breaking physical labor. Forgive us for not practicing our psychic powers after 8 hours of lifting 80 lb boxes to pay for the drinks at the club you won't even appreciate but later mock in your shitty blog. (Your shitty blog I then, in turn, mock on my shittier blog.)
Well no, we’re not. We are emotionally intelligent and complex creatures, and you and your emotionally disabled, one track mind is resulting in failed communication. So men, for the thousandth time, let me explain to you some things about women that you will literally never get. Pay attention.
Guess what - ALL HUMANS are emotionally intelligent and complex creatures. Stop acting like women have this mysterious, enigmatic mind. Stop acting like it's a good thing to be indecisive, flakey and emotional. These are not GOOD things, they are BAD.

Humans in general are emotionally intelligent and complex. As are many animals. So yes, as shocking as it may seem to you ladies, men are also emotionally intelligent and complex creatures. The only difference is (most) of us men have a handle on our emotions and use LOGIC to determine our actions, whereas (most) women DO NOT have a handle on their emotions even you've basically admitted in the space of three paragraphs....and then fly off the handle, doing all sorts of morally reprehensible things to somehow get revenge for some emotional slighting they're too immature to move past or elaborate on vocally. Actions speak louder than words. And actions with your vagina speak louder than actions.

I'm paying attention slut, let's dance.

1. Drinks at the club

Hello dancing stranger. Oh, you offered to buy me a drink? Buy me two drinks. Buy me three drinks. Buy me and my friends bottles at your VIP table all night. Im very grateful for this drink, sir, but lets be clear. Buying me alcohol will not ensure you anything, buddy. So don’t go into shock mode and throw a temper tantrum when I go back to MY room with MY friends. Its been this way since the beginning of time! When will you learn. Unless you are Leonardo DiCaprio, I’m not coming with you. But thanks for the tequila! I just saved 15 percent or more by being a girl.

I agree with you on this one. Guys shouldn't be buying club rats drinks. Especially when they're gold digging whores. You aren't a gold digging whore, you say? Then why would you willingly leave the club with Leonardo DiCaprio? Because he's rich, famous, and will make you feel more special with his attention and lust than you'll ever be able to feel with the capabilities of your rotting, socially conditioned brain. Go twerk some more and drink your free drinks. I sure as hell won't be spending a dime on you until I've felt your feet on my shoulders.

2. When we say we need space

It means fight for us, fucker. Time never fixes a problem, it only delays a resolution or stops any resolution at all. Stop being such a coward, grow a pair of balls, and fight for us. It makes us feel wanted, needed, loved, important, irreplaceable. If you don’t, you didn’t deserve us anyway. Channing Tatum would never treat me this way. And even though we say you can’t buy our love, it’s a huge perk. Not saying dinners, movies, or shows will fix EVERYTHING, but we will appreciate the effort.
Bonus point: Bring us on a surprise vacation. Bitches love surprise vacations.

Awesome logic. Say one thing and mean the other. Of course men aren't going to understand women when they constantly say the opposite of what they feel to be all coy and elusive. Men are creatures of logic, not emotions, so we aren't gonna telepathetically read your minds and bow to your every wish and whim, especially when you mean the opposite of what you are vocalizing. If you ask me, a woman who asks for space but really wants attention is an immature, unintelligent skank who thinks the world revolves around her, and isn't worth my time. Want some space? Ok, here's 5 years of it. Fuck off.

And there she goes again, name-dropping celebrities. It isn't cute and it isn't exactly giving her writing an aura of legitimacy. These are the demands of a petty princess. Dinners, movies, and shows won't fix EVERYTHING, guys....better make sure your schedule is completely open, because you best dedicate that time to her. But not TOO much time, because than you'll come across needy.

How can this chick write these things and not realize how immature and hypocritical she comes across? Raining gifts on her is a good idea, guys! But remember, it doesn't fix EVERYTHING, so better clean her house, give her car an oil change, and pick her up hungover at the hotel she spent the night in getting double teamed by Leonardo DiCaprio and Channing Tatum. Slut.

3. We don’t over-think

We analyze. It is what it is. We will remember everything you’ve ever said, and we will break down every word. And you might call us crazy, but most of the time, our “overthinking” turns out to be correct, further prompting us to continue to overthink, trust our intuition, and not forget anything. And even if u think you found a “cool” girl (rolling eyes) who doesn’t do this, she does. Stop pretending to be cool, girl.
You really think your process is analytical? How can you write paragraph after paragraph boasting about how emotions run your life, because you're females, then claim that you are analytical in any fashion? Having a constant stream of wild, frenzied thoughts based on emotions and not on logic is not analyzing...that's the textbook definition of over-thinking. And usually after the over-thinking portion of the thought process is over, the thoughts start turning conniving and sociopathic real fast. Revenge is a dish best served in pink. Because bitches love revenge....especially when it isn't even necessary.

4. We already know the truth

Most of the time when we ask you something, we already know. So tell the fucking truth. The whole truth. We’d rather be hit with it all at once, rather then discover pieces over time. Or else now we REALLY are convinced that we are dating a lying sociopath who will continuously disregard our feelings and disrespect us. Lying about even the smallest things will change the way we look at you very quickly.

You already know the truth? What kind of bullshit statement is that? Clearly you DON'T know the truth, because you're completely ignoring situational context. All in an effort to put woman on an even higher pedestal....a pedestal man built with tools they also built, using materials they themselves harvested from the land they colonized and conquered.

If you want us to tell the truth, why don't YOU tell the truth too? It's fine for you to act nonchalant about your fiery emotions. It's fine for you to say "It's ok" when you're really not, correct? Well isn't that FUCKING LYING? So women are free to lie, because it's just part of their quirks as women....but men lying is a no-no. The hypocrisy in this article you've written is astounding, Mena. Hell, you brag even more about lying in the very next point you make........

5. When we say we’re fine, we’re NOT

This stereotype of a woman saying she’s fine when she’s not should basically be a law at this point. It is tried and true and happens all the time, and yet men STILL DONT GET IT. Maybe women say we are fine when we’re not because subconsciously we don’t want to come across as too bitchy or aggressive, or scare you off. Sometimes it’s because we think the problem is so FUCKING obvious that we are literally dumbfounded by how you can’t see it. Mostly we just want you to be our magical prince charming and fix it yourselves without us having to give u step-by-step directions every time. Do we have to spell EVERYTHING out for you?

Are you ok? Are you sure you're ok? You're totally fine? You're fine then? You said you're fine? Fine or not fine? Where did we land on the 'ok' thing? Because I really want to be as an attentive partner as I possibly.....oh what's that? I'm needy? I'm smothering you? You're gonna leave me and fuck my best friend? I'm sorry for making you feel that way. Are you ok?

We GET it. At least some of us do. The thing is, your childish attempt to fish attention out of us by saying "It's fine" and hoping we'll pursue further to boost your ego isn't gonna work with all of us. In fact, the second I hear "I'm fine" from a woman and know she's lying, I 100% take her at face value. As someone who speaks clearly, concisely, and articulates my thoughts with honesty and without sugar-coating, I expect the same RESPECT from you. It's downright disrespectful to expect your partner to be 100% attentive when you are acting out from a place of counterfeit indifference. If a woman is immature to the point of shielding their true emotions in a hopes the man will magically read her mind and tell her exactly what she wants to hear.....she's a spoiled princess with a broken brain and has likely had dozens of penises inside of our. And daddy issues. And Bi-Polar disorder. Avoid at all costs.

Either way, it happens. I’m sorry. So when we say we’re fine but you know we’re not, keep asking. Not once or twice, not even asking seven or eight times will get us to crack. I’m talking like 20 to 25 times over a span of a two to four hour period. And don’t just say “You okay?” “You okay?” “What’s wrong?” “You okay?” No. Say “baby I know something is really bothering you right now. I love you and I will never judge you for your feelings. Please tell me what’s going on so we can work on this together.” Ugh. That’s all you have to say. Damn it.
 What a crock of shit. "Baby I know something is really bothering you right now. I love you and I will never judge you for your feelings. Please tell me what's going on so we can work on this together." Any man who utters those words should have their testicles promptly removed. And he definitely isn't gonna keep that girl around talking like that. She'll jump on the first set of percocet dealing balls she can find.

Also, why apologize for a problem you have no intention of fixing? You're literally basking in the foul stench of your own selfish mannerisms. God damn self-entitled cunt. You KNOW this is a crock of shit. You don't want a sweet, nice guy, they're too wussified and won't get you wet where it counts. You want a badass that instinctively knows his role as the dominant, masculine energy in the relationship, not some limp-wristed whipping boy that reads your mind and kisses your feet after you've walked through the very shit you peddle day after day. The only way THAT guy will stay in good favor is if he ejaculates chocolate and is rich. And even then, you'll still cheat on him anyway because women have all the power in this bullshit, post-feminized society. Why cherish truth when we have political correctness?

6. Fantasies

Just like Men have their fantasies, women have ours – refer to The Vow, The Notebook, Titanic, The Great Gatsby, Magic Mike… We want ROMANCE. Call it stupid, call it unrealistic, call it whatever u want- I want my prince charming. We have all wanted him since we were little girls. We don’t call the things you want stupid, so don’t be so rude and piggish as to ridicule us. And if you want your fantasies fulfilled, then why don’t you man up and fulfill ours.

The Notebook, what a great example....a book I've heard is basically a woman prostituting herself for some painter she barely knows. What a mature and . All guys need is nasty sexual images for their fantasies, they have no false hope that some princess is gonna show up, because most of that 1% demographic of females....ya know, the ones with loyalty, self-awareness and intelligence....are already married or in the 4th year of healthy relationships. So we settle for the next best thing - the 99% of sluts that like being choked and getting their hair pulled that scream our names when we're balls deep.

Stop acting like you want Prince Charming. You want status, financial stability, a man to rear your child, and above all else masculinity. All the guys who act the way girls pretend they want them to act are lonely, miserable and have no idea why they can't get past the first date or outer layer of clothes. The indifferent guy with the drug habit and criminal rap sheet who continually feeds his women the drama and excitement they desperately crave to fill the void of their ambition-famished lives....that's they guy who will prevail.

If you are a male reading this article, please take note. Although it is speckled with humor, I have practically gifted you with a rule book of how to keep a girl happy. Do not disregard it. And yet, I’m sure you will completely. Because you’re stupid. And you’re not Channing Tatum in The Vow and you never will be and my therapist says I need to accept that. 

Hear that, guys? The cunt who wrote this hypocritical, self-entitled article thinks we're all stupid. She totally deserves to land a rich celebrity who will throw money at her feet, read her mind, and bow to her every will and want. So in other words...stay the fuck away from sluts with this type of poisonous mindset. That article was completely vapid, petty, and morally bankrupt.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Troll Hunting (PART 16) Maxx Potential

Without delving into a paragraph of background, someone stole some artwork and got trolled accordingly.

Original Artwork:

Stolen Artwork:

Look, you can even still see the ORIGINAL LOGO from the REAL ARTWORK on the pirated version. Right under "Max Throttle" you can still make out the loops of the Lueur Verte logo. Awesome job concealing your plagiarism, bro, you must listen to Led Zeppelin or something.
Synthwave producers and fans herd a good way. Not in a derivative fashion; we aren't herding sheep style, all trying to bah the same. But when shit is going down, we band together and get shit done. And we aren't afraid to troll. I'm sure we all remember a certain ASH KAHN character.

The person who stole the artwork had their chance. They were sent a private message, they were left dozens of comments from various producers in the scene....we're basically having fun at this idiots expense. But he couldn't laugh at himself. He just couldn't develop that self-awareness necessitated to realize the folly of his ways. Even an ephemeral self-awareness, long enough to delete the stolen art, is all he needs.

As things usually tend to go in the synthwave community, the trolling almost immediately got out of control. People started posting their own stolen album covers.

But then a picture of the person in question was posted, and all hopes this issue would end in civility and mutual respect from both sides of the fence was rendered impossible. As I said in the discussion thread in the Synthetix Music facebook group, this isn't just golden troll's crystallized platinum trolling opportunity. LOOK AT THIS GUY.

Even the spray-painted rabbit next to him is thinking to himself, "What the fuck?" And so the trolling began to hit in full force.

So I decided to try a different approach. Instead of raining trollfire down on his soundcloud, I decided to do some trollfiltration instead.

He has since deleted my question about the artwork, but KEPT my obviously falsified compliment. What a chode. From there Perturbator noticed every song on his album had the word "Maxx" in it to some capacity. And the imagery kept coming in strong, now with a specific focus on puns.

I even made two myself. What is the best Stephen King movie? Easy....

The Maxxiknockers.

I also made up this beautiful re-imagining of Contra.

How can you go stealing artwork when you look like this guy?  I'm not saying give up on life because you look like a love-child of the Pillsbury Dough Girl and the Michelin Man. I'm just saying don't go painting a giant target on yourself by stealing someone else's artwork. Especially since genetics already painted a giant target on you, a target that will only wash off with a haircut, shave, proper diet, and daily cardio.

One more for good measure:

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Some Cunts Want to Ban the Word Bossy #BanBanBossy

I wonder how much money these jackasses wasted on this oxymoronic cause. Bossing people around to ban the word they not realize the severe hypocrisy in this campaign? God damn entitled cunts.

Let me type out some of the bullshit this video says and give my insight.




I already want to kick every single one of these smug cunts in the face. 

 (dramatic music stop for no reason to hype up Beyonce)

The self-satisfied sneers are almost unbearable. My cup of jimmies rustle and overfloweth.
Beyonce, in particular, rustles the jimmies something fierce. Ever since she starting taking the Jay-Z dick she thinks her shit don't stink. How can she be so full of herself when her family is basically a brand name? It's pathetic. I feel bad for their child Blue Ivy for more than just the parent's terrible choice in names. The fact I, of all people, know their kid's name in the first place is a blatant indication of how severely marketed it's birth was. How you gonna sell your kid out before it's even born? And then try to trademark their name? It's pure evil.

Why does the media ride Jay-Z and Beyonce's dicks so hard, anyways? Is it all the corporate dick they collectively suck whenever they aren't in front of a camera masturbating their egos? Is it because Jay-Z is a 33rd degree freemason and names his company Roc-a-Fella, an urban variant of Rockefeller? How much Illuminati dick would an Illuminati dick sucker suck if an Illuminati dick sucker was Jay-Z or Beyonce? Roughly 3 dozen daily, between the two of them, I'd wager.

"When I was growing up, I was called bossy."
What a tragic upbringing. To be called bossy, it must have been such a traumatic and mentally damaging experience. Never mind all the starving and impoverished people around the world, they got off easy with their Malaria and Small Pox, especially compared to the horror of being called bossy.

"I think the word bossy is just a squasher."

A squasher of what, exactly? Hypocritical, paradoxical, and ignorantly causeless campaigns such as this one? Because calling this "Ban Bossy" campaign, bossy, effectively renders it pointless.

"Being labeled something matters."
Yea, if you're a fucking pussy and can't handle being labeled it matters. Grow a fucking spine and stop giving a fuck what other people think. Anyone with half a brain will likely label you all SELFISH IGNORANT CUNTS after watching this stupid fucking video, so if you can't handle being called "bossy" just wait for the feedback to this video to start pouring in.

"By middle school..."

By middle school what? You couldn't finish this statement yourself? Beyonce has to come in and finish it for you, as if her word is the most important? God damn do I hate that self-important cunt.

"...girls are less interested in leadership than boys."

I love the unintentional double meaning to this. Not only does it imply girls have less interest in becoming leaders than boys of the same age have, it also subconsciously implies girls are MORE interested in boys than leadership. Essentially, they'd rather spread their legs than have any societal responsibility.

"And that's because they worry about being called..."

God dammit, not again. FINISH THE FUCKING STATEMENT YOURSELF. Why do you keep having white bitches start a statement for black bitches to finish? Is this supposed to be edgy editing? Go fuck yourselves.


Sounds completely logical. Every female is scared of being ambitious because of the fear of being called bossy. That's not irrational or reaching in any way. That's not one of the most idiotic and exaggerated statements uttered in the history of communication or anything like that.

"We need to tell them it's OK to be ambitious."

Everyone should be ambitious, yes. Not just little girls in middle school being called bossy, but everyone should be ambitious. (Well, besides pedophiles, rapists and murderers, they should probably be institutionalized, since their ambitions bring a heavy toll and numerous victims.)

Ambition today proves difficult in a society based on indentured servitude and materialism. How can one be expected to be ambitious with what we have to look forward to as a society? A lifetime of paying off the debts of our selfish, bloated, war hungry government, who play petty war games with other petty nations and fund frivolous distractions such as "Ban Bossy" to keep their indoctrinated population's vaguely satisfied and collectively docile, rather than taking responsibility and doing the jobs they were elected to fulfill, namely focusing on technological growth, the exploration of space and the depths of the ocean, mutual gain for the entire species, and the symbiotic evolution of society on an international level. We're supposed to be talking about Ban Bossy here, but no, fuck that, that's just a distraction. Ban Ban Bossy, how about that, assholes?

All these rich faggots with all the power and all the wealth and golden plated toiletries with diamond encrusted toilet paper, wasting their time, money and influence enthusiastically waving banners representing causeless causes and non-issues, effectively distracting the public from things that really matter, either in a calculated effort or as a result of complete ignorance and idiocy.

This sort of shit is commonplace now; society is so complacent and ignorant, that THIS SHIT, Ban Bossy, passes off as a false flag. Miley Cyrus twerking at the VMAs is a false flag event. Justin Beiber getting a DUI racing a car more expensive than the average American's yearly salary is a false flag. Oh, a young woman murdered her daughter in cold blood? Let's drum up a media circus around her court case and keep the gravy bubbling for 5 years. In the 60s and 70s you'd need to stage wars and shoot presidents in the face for a successful false flag. Now, through social engineering, you can wow the entire public with a nip slip or work them into a raging frenzy over words of an outspoken celebrity on a drug binge.
We debate abortion and gay marriage, when they're both choices individuals should make on their own; they're both issues that don't effect us beyond our own perceptions and morals. Unless you're pregnant or gay, who the fuck cares about abortion and gay marriage? Let the homos bones, the lesbos scissor, and the sluts abort. We should encourage abortion, as most of these kids are having kids way too fucking young in the first place. Stop making logical, sane people feel guilty for wanting to wait until they're older to raise children. If they realize they are not mature enough yet to take the responsibility required in raising children, let them flush the fetus out ASAP. Quickly, before we're overwhelmed with a nation of step-brothers and step-sisters, because at the rate sluts are gonna continue to slut it up, giving birth to various babies from various fathers, we're all fucked.

We debate recreational drug use, jailing hundreds of thousands for non-violent drug crimes, while big pharma peddles all the drugs they want, liability free, largely to children, profiting off the addiction of kids in school doped out on their benzodiazepines and hopped up on their amphetamines. They do this whilst simultaneously favoring manageable treatments over one-time-cures.
And Ban Bossy is right up there. It's a non-issue being kicked around like a dead fish by all these rich, vapid cunts, and everyone wants to join in on the game of hacky sack and kick the dead fish around some more with Beyonce in her $10,000 high heels. Hey jackasses, it's 2014, you're 30 years late for this shit.
"We need to help them lean in."

We need to help you all lean in and get backhanded across the face repeatedly for peddling this mind numbing garbage for the past few decades. GET OVER YOURSELVES. You lucked out and made a shit-ton more money than all the people you preach to, good for you. It doesn't mean your shitty, privileged opinions hold any more weight or truth than the average folk. If anything the wealth only dilutes your perspective, not enhances it.

"Words matter."
"Lets just ban the word bossy..."


"...and encourage girls to lead..."
" be strong, and to be ambitious."

Why not encourage EVERYONE to example? (And finish their own god damn sentences.) Ya know, lead by growing their own food, or lead by being nicer in their day-to-day life, or lead by letting go of their racist and bigoted thoughts, or lead by not being so god damn bossy and leading by example like a real fucking leader leads, for fucks sake.
"Listen to your own voice..."

Unlike all you pretentious cunts, I don't like the sound of my own voice. In fact, 9 out of 10 people find the sound of their own voice off-putting. But sociopaths that rise the media ladder to be in a position of bossing people around to stop using the word bossy,'s obvious they lack the self-awareness to comprehend such a known fact of human nature. They love the sound of their own voice and smell of their own farts, so everyone else must too, right?

"There are no limits"

No limits besides the use of the word bossy, that is.

"Dare to be you."
"You can change the world!"

Yea, you can change the world girlfriend! Uhm hm. Maybe you'll even get real ambitious, and invent a new word to replace the word bossy!

"Let's ban bossy."
"Be brave. Be you."
"BAN BOSSY." (horse face)

I hate you all. Seriously, I hate you all so, very, very much. And once again, Beyonce's name shows up first on the credits. I swear, Jay-Z must have hit the dick sucking lottery at Bohemian Grove. He sucked that ONE Illuminati dick, that one time, with such raw technique and frenzied passion.....that one all-powerful Bohemian Grove member with the giant white dick, that Jay-Z slobbered on like a $4 whore....and now him and his wife have celebrities putting THEM on a pedestal. That ONE DICK they sucked with such precision and accuracy, and they now have POLITICIANS putting them on pedestals. It's creepy as fuck.

"I'm not bossy. I'm the boss."

See? Beyonce again, ending it. Why does she get highlighted any more than the rest of these self-important gashes? A pop singer is more important to a supposed cause than a former Secretary of State? That just proves where our priorities as a society lie, and what a joke politics really is. They use a pop singer who shakes her ass half naked and sings songs with lyrics such as "Bow Down Bitch" and they use her as the spearhead of this supposedly feminist movement. I guess that's just the black cherry on top of the hypocrisy sundae.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Running All Night

Fresh off the potent synthesizer high I got from the Class Action Compilation Volume II, I moved on to the Wave Runner Records compilation, "Running All Night." Ironically, I am listening to this in broad daylight, 9:45 AM Eastern Standard Time to be exact.

The compilation kicks off strong with a track from Highway Superstar called "Boardwalk Sunset". And what a fitting name it is. Melodic and engaging, vibe leads give way to chimes, and an almost Law and Order groove kicks in, bongos slapping away in the background.The song is dominated by wholesome saxophone licks, as if a saxophonist is standing on the boardwalk, raging as the sun sets, getting prepared to run until sunrise.

Now that the sun has set and the boardwalk is behind us, we are joined in our run by Phaserland and Nikki. The track is a perfect followup, with percussive synths that remind me of Meat Loaf in his "Bad Attitude" era. Mellow vocal melodies courtesy of Nikki are instantly catchy in a retro fashion, as one would expect. Electric guitars ephemerally wail in dual harmony, and the track ends on it's hooks.

Mitch Murder's up next with the help of Miranda Carey on "Just 'til Midnight". This song starts with a cheeky drum and percussion jam before busting into some funky synth-pop. The staggered nature and classy vocal hooks can't help but remind me of good ol' Michael Jackson. Really like the hook of the track, with the vocals and synths calling to each other back and forth. 

Next up we have Sunglasses Kid laying down synthscapes for Kristine to sing over. "Time in Time" continues the funky swagger the last track, but this ones got a whole different swagger. The slap bass clangs underneath the breathy, sensual vocals, orchestra hits punctuating hidden hooks between the more obvious melodic hooks.

Lush, warm synths greet the listeners waiting ears at the onset of Lueur Verte's track, "Malibu Sunrise". The melodies are calculated and effective, speakers drowning in an ocean of synth. A guitar twangs faithfully in the background....bring that up in the mix! It is just barely within listening reach, but damn is it tasteful. Several tasteful breakdowns contrast the sure-footed groove.

Hopeful melodies permeate out and a tom fill beckons a full groove with steam. A Space Love Adventure is cooking with gas on Nicole (ASLA remix).....or better yet, rocket fuel. The Sci-Fi charged jaunt gives way to interesting breakdown and gets backing into even higher gear, racing through celestial dimensions at a steady pace. A synth solo hits as warp speed is reached. And just when we slow down to take view of planetary bodies, we kick back to warp speed with a bitchin' and tasteful guitar solo.

We drop from warp speeds to an atmospheric, wistful soundscape. SelloRekT / LA Dream's track "Alive" soon breaks into a great pace, synth melodies sounding reminiscent of "Waiting for Darkness" by Ozzy. A synth guitar tackles out melodies, accompanied by lush synthscapes, the ever present synth melody keeping the song moving.

We get a second helping of Lueur Verte with "Night Slasher 2". A bass stabs the space beneath a staggered melody. Arps shimmer in and out as a haunting melody creeps into play, before the track stops cleverly...then busts in. The chase has begun. As the song changes pace and goes through it's various phases, images are conjured of boogeymen stalking demoralized, promiscuous teenagers through spooky forests.

Starforce and Tommy team up next for "Interstellar". This track takes us back to the stars above, surfing the astral planes in melodic glory. Triumphant melodies soar above driving bass lines. Hooks are in abundance, a variety of synths taking charge, most notably a warm, airy lead.

A dark melodic hymn quickly gives way into a raging groove, courtesy of Farfletched in "Car Clova". The bass line has tasteful pitch drops, really adding to the funky groove. Fast paced synths raise the tension, and the slightest hints of guitars break in and out of the mix tastefully. Sweep pick inspired melodic breaks keep things interesting. Back into a hook, and we feel like we're in Castlevania 2042, staring down a cyborg Dracula. But Dracula isn't here to fight...he's here to get down, as the groove kicks back in and the Count busts out bodacious dance moves, demons and zombies alike all clapping and stomping in unison with the beat, encouraging Dracula to rage until sunrise...'twas Belmonts plan all along.

A nostalgic sample of the answering machine message we've all had at some point quickly breaks into a poppy groove. Swagbot brings the funk with "Trying," with piercing vocals cutting through the thick and uncompromising bassline. Lots of pitch bend funkiness gives the song a signature swagger.

Adeyhawke keeps things interesting with a very interesting melody wrapped up nicely with all kinds of glitched out awesomeness. "Disco Idalium" is a bag of surprises, constantly keeping the listener guessing as it goes from one musical passage of inspire insanity to the next. A very unique and daring sound is on display here.

An Arcade Version of "Welcome to Nocturne City" is up next, and Perturbator knocks it out of the park as always. The arcade vibe on display is a very interesting and faithful recreation of Perturbator's usual sound; it's as if he sampled his own music into a C64 to achieve such a faithful recreation. The track is full of raunchy bass and mystical leads. Chromatic passages ramp up tension, from a breakdown to a frantic melody that reminds me of the original Super Mario Bros Bowser music. The song ends on a melodic high, darting SID synths dropping rapidly in pitch and volume.

"Dystopia" kicks off with a haunting melody before giving way to a fascist groove compliments Nightcrawler and Vincent Salvia. The dark harmonious synths tell tales of violent totalitarianism and dehumanization, capturing the atmosphere of 1984 with sweep bass tones and droning terror. The song holds hope though - a guitar solo kicks in, crisp and hopeful....the resistance will rise. The guitar gives me the vibe of 80's metal in the best ways.  Nothing says rebellion like a wailing axe.

Dynatron takes us on the penultimate journey. "Unquestionable Judgement" is unquestionably heavy. Guitars chug as two simultaneous melodies overtake it each, melding together and dispersing. The track breaks into a modest melody, cinematic in nature, as synth stabs rise and fall, bouncing between octaves. A palm mutted melody returns before breaking way into an atmospheric breakdown. The song crescendos, ending on a high note with tasteful guitar wailing, leaving the listener wanting more.

The final track of this epic synth journey is an additional Swagbot number called RocknRolla. A galloping bass takes the listener on a journey, riding neon lit steeds through glitched out realms of funkiness. A simple 4/4 beat soaked in reverb breaks way to snare riffage, an almost march aspect present. And with the sound of a reverse cymbal after a glitched out breakdown, our journey ends.

If such a thing as synth overdose were possible, I would surely be a candidate after listening to 40 brand new Synthwave / Outrun / New Retro Wave / Dark Wave / Horror Synth / Wave Wave tracks in such a short period. But instead, my creative batteries are restored, as if said batteries had a nose and just railed an 8ball of fire cocaine, so I shall crack my figurative music spine, shaking loose the built-up synth fragments lodged in there and get a nice flashback trip, regurgitating this euphoric memory into a brand new track.