Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving Sucks

Thanksgiving food needs an upgrade, it's all so bland. Where is the bacon, the lobster, the venison? Seems like the only thing we don't give thanks to on thanksgiving is our taste buds.

 Tradition isn't a good enough reason to subject ourselves to this bland meal every year. Fuck tradition, the historical significance of this holiday is completely unjustified. Why eat the same boring food every year to celebrate horrible events in history? It's on the same level as making September 11th a holiday. The pilgrims breaking bread with Native Americans was basically them saying "We'll trade you these smallpox for all this land."
 
 We shouldn't need diluted, warped historical relevance to be thankful in our day to day life. And there are very few cultural traditions as warped and diluted as the American tradition of Thanksgiving. Horrible food and tragic history.
  
Plus, most of the things people are publicly thankful for are things they can brag about. Seriously, go on Facebook and read some of the things people are thankful for. It's not as bad as when people reminisce at New Years on their past year and give you a bullet list of all their mediocre accomplishments that year, but it can be pretty bad.

It's very rare to see people publicly address the things they are truly, deeply thankful for. "I'm thankful my herpes sores weren't visible when I finally got to smash Stacey's slit, and I'm thankful my boss got into a car accident because that guy's a dickhead. I'll be even more thankful if he's paralyzed for life." Most people go with the same old boring crap. "I'm thankful for my family and friends."

No shit, I'm pretty sure most people are thankful for their family and friends. Are you that boring as a person you have nothing intriguing to be thankful for? Being thankful for family and friends is a GIVEN, and if that's all you can think of you must be as bland as the Thanksgiving food itself.

  
A hippie friend of mine was saying she celebrates alternative Thanksgiving every year; last year they had a pig roast, this year they had 40 lbs of lamb. See, that's what I'm fucking talking about. No need to adhere to the recipes and traditions of murderous dickheads who rocked goofy apparel. Thanksgiving should definitely be a free-for-all with food like roasted pigs and 40 lb lambs, that sounds dank. MIX IT UP. Don't blindly adhere to the traditions laid in place by murderous land thieves; lay your own traditions in place, stand on your own two feet, rely on your own taste buds.

And it shouldn't even be in November anymore, just put Thanksgiving on a random date with no historical relevance....like....April 17th. That way, everyone has Thanksgiving leftovers (and not Turkey and squash, I'm talking leftovers of ostrich slim jims and popcorn alligator chunks) for April 20th.

Another friend mentioned it's about the quantity of the food instead of the quality.
That is true, there is a high quantity of food at each Thanksgiving, but I can get quantity food at a Chinese buffet on any normal day, and I can do it without all the forced sentimentality. Doesn't mean I'm gonna make a yearly tradition out of the China buffet, ya know? And at least the Chinee food has a diverse range of tastes; beef teriyaki, crab rangoons, and general tso's chicken all taste very different, yet still complimentary. Thanksgiving food all sort of blends together.

You might as well get an industrial strength blender, stuff in some squash, carrots, potatos, stuffing, and turkey, maybe some pumpkin for good measure, and make a Thanksgiving paste, because all that shit tastes the same - boring.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Richard Harrow Final Scene


In the last week of television....

In the last week of television we've lost Brian Griffin....

....April Powers....


....Kenny Powers....



...Martinez and Shumpert (he actually had a name other than bizarro T-Dog. At least T-Dog didn't die off-screen though)....

....Galen.....


.....Clay Aiken...


.....Chaulky Whites hot black daughter.....

........Richard Harrow, god dammit......
 
   
I was just googling "Maybelle White death" on Google images, and this hilarious image presented itself:
 
 
 Whoever made that must have slit their wrists after watching last nights episode. They couldn't have been more wrong in their prediction. It's almost like the writers saw this image online, it offended them deeply for anyone to make such a wildly wrong and misguided prediction for the show, and they immediately thought to themselves "We need to have Richard Harrow shoot Chaulky Whites hot black daughter in the face. It's the only way."
 
How about that episode of Boardwalk Empire? That shit was like the Requiem of a Dream for every character. Literally everyone got fucked.
 
-  John Torrio got gunned down.
- Eli forced to murder the agent trying to use his son as leverage, so he is now forced into hiding. His son is Nucky's new number two, which is basically what Eli never wanted.
- Chaulky White's daughter unintentionally murdered by Richard Harrow.
- Dr Narcissist is now the FBIs bitch and has to refer to the white man as "sir." 
- Gillian stuck in prison.
- Margaret Schroeder goes back to the whore life and starts whoring it up for Rothstein.
- Rothstein is stuck with Margaret Schroeder.
- Richard Harrow shot and dies under the boardwalk. Has disturbingly effecting final dream with a full face.
  
See what I mean? Everyone might as well be going ass-to-ass with giant black dildos while old Jewish dudes huck wads of $20 at them.
 

 
 All that bullshit reminds me of the ending to Requiem for a Dream.
(Beware, SPOILERS FOR THE 2000 FILM AND 1978 NOVEL REQUIEM FOR A DREAM)

The old lady goes crazy from meth pills.
The black dude is stuck in a racist prison system while withdrawing.
The emo kid loses an arm due to infection.
The chick whores herself out for heroin.

(/SPOILER)

Sorry, hate to post spoilers to such an epic movie in case someone hasn't seen it yet. Can never be too careful about spoiling seminal story beats in cinematic history.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Commercials With Two Punchlines Suck


You ever notice how the corny TV commercials that try to be funny and edgy always try to sandwich their products with two punchlines? That shit is fucking irritating. Usually the commercial will feature some character that does something 'whacky' and 'outrageous,' a quick verbal summary of the product is presented (oftentimes with logo accompaniment), and then the character will throw in an additional quip to the already lame and tired joke. Examples:
 

If youtube has deleted the video, I'll describe it briefly. Two bitches are working out on faggy stair climber gym machines, watching TV. The white bitch then says to the black bitch, noting the advertisement on the TV, that she was unaware of Geico's policies and tagline. The black bitch goes "Everybody knows that, cracker, is you fucking stupid?" Then the white bitch awkwardly jerks her eyes around like a dickhead as she makes a statement about trees falling in the woods making noise even if no one else is there.

So then it cuts to this tree in the woods with a mouth and it's yelling. We're left to assume this is the only tree in that particular forest with the ability to speak, because this bitch implied that nobody was there. Her statement was that tired "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, it does make a sound." First of all, if the tree has cognitive awareness then the forest is NOT empty. If a tree is using  speech to communicate, it implies said tree has the ability to hear, thus the tree yelling being the sound the tree makes is a paradoxical example of the "empty woods no sound" quandary.

Second of all, why is this the only tree that is talking? Why aren't the other trees in the forest responding? Is this the only tree in the forest with the ability to speak? If so, who exactly was he talking to? Furthermore, how is this tree undiscovered by the human race? I'm sure hikers of some variety would have stumbled upon it. Are we to believe this tree is instinctively aware of humans greedy and capitalistic nature, giving it reason to intentionally remain silent when said hikers are going past him so he doesn't become a tourist attraction?

What an annoying commercial. As if the awkward white bitch and the self-contradictory talking tree weren't bad enough, we have to deal with multiple unfunny punchlines in a row. "Oh wow, a talking tree! How delightful! Nice punchline! Asking for help in an empty forest! Oh, a second punchline! How generous of Geico! I'll certainly buy their products now!"
I don't rarely watch TV anymore. I pirate the shows I watch right off my computer to directly avoid seeing these cringe inducing advertisements. So I can't think of anymore examples. Feel free to comment below and suggest similar commecials.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Realm of the Rave (Part 3)

December 17th, 2012
(3:17 PM)
  
The journey thus far has proven quite treacherous. Whilst scaling the peaks of the DNB Mountain today, we encountered all the foes of legend. Seriously. EVERY FUCKING CREATURE the sullen denizens of the Psytrance Tavern warned us about attacked us. Not even far in the journey either, I'm talking within the first fucking hour. One of the Liquid Funk Yetis even raped Gary. Gary killed the LFY with a cleverly placed bass grenade. He then impaled himself on the headstock of his instrument to ease his suffering, as according to the Psychedelic Monk code.
  
But rape-hungry Liquid Funk Yetti's weren't the only danger on the DNB mountain. The incessant, crisp breakbeats echoing throughout the valley, cracked ice fixtures, causing avalanches every 10 minutes. During one such avalanche a Jump Up Wolf Pack attacked, so like some sort of stereotypical black metal music video we fought off the wolves with our instruments as tidal waves of snow raced towards us. Feeling obligated to feed the stereotype even further,I was playing buzzsaw death metal riffs and our drummer Leopold was killing it with blast beats.
  
But these accomplishments were nothing but figurative flesh wounds on EDMs broadside, compared to the mortal injury we discovered at the top of the DNB peaks. As we reached the damned precipice of the highest mountain in the range, what we discovered shocked us.

A Macbook stood before us, it's screen lit up with multiple instances of a pirated version of Fruity Loops on screen. Some were speedily dragging LEVELS samples into a DAW. Others were hastily exporting this mindless garbage. The scariest aspect of this....there was no "producer" to be seen. The computer was doing this completely on it's own accord, as if programmed to produce substance-less EDM.

EDM HAD BECOME SELF AWARE.

 
"So glad you could join us," an effeminate voice remarked from the mist just behind the frenzied Macbook. "Impressive work, gentlemen. None but the Psychedelic Monks could make it this far."
 
 Out stepped the unlikely, but now completely obvious antagonist. It was Nicky Xplosion in all of his untalented glory. And like most stereotypical villains, he proceeded to spell out his entire plan and describe his motivation in detail.
 
"Ever since I was a child I knew I was different. As long as I remember, this horrible music sampled itself into my brain, guy. And the only way I found I can get the screaming voice of Etta James singing 'Sometimes I get a good feeling' out  of my head was to sample it into music. See, when my mother gave birth to me she was actually dealing with a PLURpes outbreak. She didn't just have DNB, she had full blown Happy Hardcore. Are you impressed by the self-aware EDM that has manifested itself into this Macbook? I call it the Xploit network" 
  
Our extensive research at ITT Technical Institute was indeed correct. Nicky Xplosion would unwittingly ejaculate his tiny dick into the USB port of a Macbook while listening to Girl Talk and Skrillex mashups. It would then burn the circuity of the Macbook, setting into motion a dangerous computer virus. But only a day later when he started sacrificing MP3's via Vocoders, would the computer malfunction, getting a blue screen of death. Upon restarting the device....EDM would become self-aware. (Nicky Xplosion however, would not.)
 
And here we were. At the peak of DNB Mountain. The precise antithesis of the Oath of the Order of the Psychedelic Monks was standing before us, gloating about the exploitation and plagiarizing of artwork, jacking his ego off like a homeless person in the park on bath salts, lacking even the slightest sliver of self-awareness. 
 
Visions of the Post-EDMpocalyptic wasteland rushed to my brain. Imagine 2029 AD if you will...