Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Pub 99's Racist Job Application

So I went to apply to a few jobs today on the internet. First place I went to is Pub 99. (Gotta set the bar low, right?) A friend of mine just got hired to work there, so I decided I'd go through one of those elaborate online job application processes. You know, where you need to make an account for this companies website, then fill out a job application, then do one of those stupid "Behavioral Assessment" tests, which is basically 50 to 100 questions that all ask, "How stupid are you, and how good are you at lying?" but worded in a slightly different fashion each time.

(IE, "How often do you steal from the company you work for?
A. Never
B. Daily
C. Weekly
D. Only when I can't afford bread for my starving children.)
Needless to say, I created said account for Pub 99s website, and couldn't even get past the FIRST FUCKING QUESTION without having to stop, print screen, and start writing this article. Check this shit out:

Who the fuck thought that was a good first question to ask on a job application?

I'm not even Latino or Hispanic and I found Pub 99s question racist. Not offensive, just....racist and idiotic. So naturally, given my pasty white complexion, and my skins habit of turning bright red in even the mildest circumstances of outdoors activity in borderline pleasant weather, I answered "NO" to Pub 99s inquiry into just how Hispanic / Latino I was. The second question asked?
Woah, woah, woah. What exactly was the point of separating Hispanic / Latino? Why did they necessitate their own question? Couldn't you have just added "Hispanic / Latino" to the list in this very 'Ethnic Background' question?

To make things even more absurd, they even verified each ethnicity with a nice seal of "non Hispanic" approval.

American Indian/Alaskan Native (not Hispanic)
Asian (not Hispanic)
Black or African American (not Hispanic)
Native Hawaiian or Pacific Islander (not Hispanic)
White or Caucasian (not Hispanic)
Two or More Races (not Hispanic)

Thanks for clearing that up, Pub99! I always thought "Asian" was just slang for "Latino." I've got 99 problems but my ethnicity ain't one. (I'm gonna have to bill myself for that horrible "99 Problems" joke and flush a bowl pack down the toilet.)

In any case, I'm gonna move past this cringe-inducing spell of (unintentional?) racism and see what other gems this job application will afford.

FUCK. Looks like I can't work for your lovely anti-Latino establishment, guys. If you didn't realize this yet, I'm actually the quad-amputee that inspired Metallica to compose the song "One." This makes it impossible me to stand, bend, stretch, and lift. Luckily I will soon have Skynet technology powering a set of limbs that will allow me to post articles on this blog, apply to Pub 99, and masturbate...frequently.
Of course I currently work for Ninety Nine Restaurants! Why else would I be filling out a job application so I can get hired at Ninety Nine Restaurants?!
This is the bane of my (employed) existence: job history. Listen, I don't have the patience to sit there and fill out unnecessary amounts of information on three fucking jobs I had in the past. Who wants to reminisce about jobs they either QUIT or were FIRED from? I understand the concept of job history, but what I don't agree with is the amount of information required.

Who remembers exact dates of employment? Who remembers that kind of shit? Who remembers all of their supervisors names, and the phone numbers to contact them? Who's going to actually be honest on "Reason for Leaving," or click "NO" on 'May we contact this Employer?' or 'Eligible for Re-hire' 

Whoops, maybe I should delete all that and just leave it blank. But then again, Pub99 are intolerant, anti-Latino bigots. Maybe they'll get a kick out of the dickhead fashion I filled that particular section out in. I'm white too, so I got that going for me!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

World War Z Play-By-Play

I pirated World War Z, just to see how bad it was. It was so bad, in fact, that this play-by-play I wrote as I watched it is probably the shittiest thing I've ever wrote. This is easily the lamest thing I've ever posted on Sweet Funky Freedom. This blandness is a mirror image of how shitty World War Z the film is. Also, an additional note; I just re-read World War Z the book before watching the movie. I don't advise anyone does the same.

So the movie starts with a music composition that sounds strikingly similar to "Bloody Tears" from Castlevania 4. Then we get a montage of random news footage, which builds into an unnecessary and clumsily executed climax, at which point the (misleading) title of the movie shows up. If you look really closely in the logo of the movie, for a split second you can see a doctored image depicting Brad Pitt tea-bagging Max Brooks while flipping the bird.


I should note, that at some point during the campy, unoriginal mash-up of random news footage, this flashed on the screen:

"Base on the novel by Max Brooks."

Probably should've implemented the word "loosely" there.

Great. Little kids running in the room and waking up their parents, and the entire group giggling wildly. I already hate this entire family. Oh, a stuffed animal puppy, good one Brad Pitt.

"Daddy, what's martial law?"

"Well, sweetie, it's that crucial tipping point when you have to grab your guns and get ready to defend your rights and basic freedoms as an inhabitant of this fine planet from the cock-sucking pigs that want to take those rights and basic freedoms away. Do you understand?"

Why is that little kid hugging their stuffed animal? What is this shit? Little kids are usually pretty shitty as actresses and actors, but these daughters are terrible. Now they're sitting in their car, playing some faggy game, stuck in traffic. Looks like shit is about to hit the fan. Hopefully a big chunk of said shit crushes this entire family so we don't have to sit through any more of this generic Hollywood bullshit.

"Hey there, friendly black guy! Thank you for your concern!"
 Now a dump truck is magically speeding through a space that's roughly the width of half a car. Luckily all the traffic is knocked out of the way by this trusty, magical dump truck.


All right, that was pretty funny.


Again? All right, this is pretty good. Both of the little kids are now in the fetal position. Hopefully the inevitable car crash will take out at least ONE of the kids....nope. They're all fine. In fact, I'd wager the characters in the movie have less motion sickness than I'm getting from watching this movie. This whole "zoomed in, shakey camera" editing is fucking weak. You can barely tell what the fuck is going on when you never use any wide, establishing shots with steady cameras. Shaking the cameras doesn't cover up the shitty script.

I was anticipating some pretty horrible zombies in this film. But these CGI Zombies manage to be even worse than Day of the Dead 2008. Everything about these zombies looks like SyFy level CGI: the way they run, the way they pounce, that whole 12 seconds until transformation ditty. We have zombies headbutting windshields and screeching like velociraptors. Jesus Christ, this is even worse than I expected.

Now they're looting a grocery store that has to have won the award for "shittiest lighting in New Jersey" 5 years running. His daughters getting pushed around in shopping carts screaming....are those dudes trying to rape his wife? What the fuck is this nonsense? 

"We gotta get off the streets."


Compelling dialogue.

Now Brad Pitt is on the phone with who I assume is some UN big wig, and the family is literally sprinting while having a casual conversation on speaker phone with this UN guy. All while pushing their daughter in the shopping cart.

Random explosion
The daughters screaming!
 CGI zombie falling from sky and convulsing on top of a car!
More screaming!
Now they're barring a doorway!
Still more of the daughters piercing screams!

 Thank god for the friendly Latino family. They may have cultural and even language barriers, but they have a lot in common: a love a beer, a fear of CGI zombies.

Was that a 5 second dream sequence lifted from literally 4 minutes ago in the movie? The pacing of this film is meant to be thrilling and intense but it's executed in such a piss poor fashion that literally none of the action has any weight or impact. The action in this movie is so mindless it makes the Expendables seem like the Godfather.

Now we're in the apartment block that almost has the grocery store earlier topped for "shittiest lighting in New Jersey." The friendly Latino family have a CGI zombie knocking at their door. Brad Pitts daughter is saying she's scared. Guess it's better than her screaming. 

They're about to head up to the roof, but not before the movie makes a cheap attempt at a jump scare, followed by more of the daughters screaming. CGI zombies are chasing them up the stairs but you can barely tell what's going on because of the ham-fisted editing. And they escape on the helicopter.

I love when the word "zombie" gets brought up around the table discussion, and everyone gets all heated. It's ironic, considering this movie itself completely tarnishes zombie fiction, sacrificing literally the best staples of the genre in an attempt to trade them in for cheap scares. That's how zombie fans reacted to the trailers and news on this movie up to it's release: outrage.

Sweet! I was hoping for more forced interactions with Brad Pitt and his shitty family. He even gives daps to the Latino child. And now Brad Pitt and his wife are simultaneously saving each others post-apocalypse cell phone numbers. Jesus fucking Christ is this shit contrived. And the worst part is, I feel like this movie is still just fucking starting.

Zoomed in footage of burnt bones and bodies. Even the shallow attempts at gore in this movie are so off-based, this might as well be a vampire movie.

What's up with this squeaky bike tire bullshit? If they're trying to be quiet, they couldn't have us a little DW-40 before sending the team back to the plane? What is with this movie? Everything is too dark to even see what's going on. I guess that's what I get for pirating the movie.

More corny family dialogue between Brad Pitt and his family. And now they're landing in Israel. Bunch of pointless dialogue, blah blah blah, now there's a bunch of assholes singing over loud speakers and the CGI zombies are climbing on top of each other to get over the wall. 

Zombies crawling like spiders and pulling up soldiers through grating all around Brad Pitt as he effortlessly sprints towards yet another helicopter pick-up. CGI zombies running into gates just as they are closed. Minute after minute of shallow action completely lacking in any atmosphere or substance.

CGI Zombies leap onto helicopters, their weight dragging it into the ground. Not sure how far into this hunk of shit I've made it so far, but it is easily one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

All hail the luggage barriers! I never did understand how a filmmaker could make a movie with such a ridiculous budget, only to have action scenes completely zoomed in, with the camera shaking, as if it is supposed to make things more intense or realistic. What it really does is make it impossible to discern what the fuck is going on.

And look, the only two survivors in a brutal plane crash are Brad Pitt and the chick he saved in Israel. Somehow they manage to WALK the entire distance to their destination, a "central of intelligence" or some other shit. In a scene lifted right from the Walking Dead, the bald chick with one hand desperately looks up at a camera as she paws at a keypad to attempt to enter the facility.

So I'm pretty much done with this play-by-play. This movie is simply too boring, too lacking in any sort of point, that I have nothing to pick fun at. Just as the trailer spelled out for anyone with even a sliver of common sense, this movie fucking sucks. It was a cash-in on the zombie genre and Max Brooks novel, but it failed to comprehend the genre or the book on even the most basic levels. This movie was so dismal, it completely took away any inspiration I had to write this article. The sterility of this sort of film-making is the sterility that begs the existence of anarchy, heavy metal, and punk rock. This is the sort of movie a committee without a single artistic thought churn out to make some cash.