Tuesday, July 23, 2013

7 Potential Solutions To Unemployment

A lot of people are gonna read my opinions in this article and think to themselves, "My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Sweet Funky Freedom? The bums will always lose!" So right off the bat, let me attempt to dissuade some of you from missing my point entirely; I enjoy working. Seriously, I think working is fun. I don't just enjoy manual labor because it is healthy and instinctual to exert oneself physically as a human being. I also enjoy trying to get my job done as efficiently as possible. I wish there were jobs that would pay me more the harder I work. Because that way I could literally work 2 days a week and get a check equivalent to a full-time week and overtime. But I'm getting off-topic here.
Clearly, what with the entire 'unemployment rates' and 'overseas manufacturing' and 'robots and computers doing human jobs' and other what-have-yous, perhaps it is time we reevaluate the necessity of the whole "Career-Based Existence" that is expected of us. Hear me out.

Every minute people die, but every second fresh people are born. Population rates seem to be on a steady incline. As technology in medicine and transportation moves forward, it facilitates more people living longer, but also more babies being born. (Surprisingly, the Illuminati's sterilization methods aren't quite as effective as they had hoped.) Couple all the aforementioned points with the fact that now countless jobs are either being performed more efficiently due to technology (IE, one person doing the job of TEN people), or jobs that are done entirely by robots and computers, it's safe to assume these two things:

A) The amount of PEOPLE are increasing.
B) The amount of JOBS are decreasing.
In light of these circumstantial conditions, both of which I feel are logical 'educated guesses' to reach, perhaps the entire societal infrastructure should be re-imagined in a way to facilitate the entire public. Here's a few ideas I have to combat unemployment rates.
1) Better pay, less hours
That's right. People should be PAID MORE so they don't have to work so many god damn hours. Think about the way things are currently set up. Your typical 9-5 job will clock you in a total of 40 hours of work, 5 days a week. That doesn't seem to bad, does it? 40 hours isn't even two full days, so you're technically working less than 2/7ths of a week, right?

Wrong. Your commute to work will likely be anywhere from 15 minutes to something as ridiculous as 2 hours. Multiply that by 2, then again by 5. A half hour commute equals an additional hour a day, 5 times a week, that's 5 more hours. So that 40 hour work week just turned into a 45 hour work week.

But that isn't even accurate. If you're working 5 days out of a week, all hours peripheral of the driving hours....the driving which is, in itself, peripheral time of your actual work shift....pretty much equates to your entire week, and all of your time, wasted.

 Seriously, think about it. The way things are currently set up, you work pretty much your ENTIRE LIFE away. No experiences other than work experiences. No time off, other than that 1 week of paid vacation you get every year. Sick days are frowned on. Punctuality is a must. Produce, produce, produce. So that some other asshole can capitalize off the sweat rolling down YOUR back and ballsack, so that rich cocksuckers can afford toilet paper rolls of 100 dollar bills and diamond encrusted plungers they use to unclog their golden toilets, toilets they clog after eating $10,000 plesiosaur meat.
 I swear, those golden toilets get clogged every time they eat plesiosaur meat.

Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit...a full serving of plesiosaur meat is only $1449.99 when in season. Forgive my hyperbole.

My point is, employees lives are expected to revolve entirely around work. Corporations don't hire people. They hire animate objects to produce more crap to sell to dumb people who are wasting the money they earned at their shitty job, just so Corporation C can sell more sex dolls because no one has any time for dating anymore when their entire lives revolve around working a shitty job so they can buy shitty shit with their shitty wages....it's a viscous cycle of stupidity and greed.
Think about it. 1 weeks paid vacation...and the rest of the year, every week of every month, ALL REVOLVES AROUND YOUR JOB. Sure, you get those two days off to recover the meager remainders of your sanity, but you only have ONE day off. And that's Saturday. Because Sunday night, you best be in bed snug as a bug, early as possible, so you can wake up and face it all again for another hollow, meaningless week that very Monday. There's a reason every one talks shit about Monday...it's because Monday is the day a good 75% of the population contemplate how much easier it would be to have an unfortunate sky diving accident, than it is to rot  away in their 5 foot by 5 foot square of hell every miserable week for 20 years.

So my solution to this soul crushingly bland existence is...
2) Corporations should put consumer AND employee satisfaction above net profit
Corporations and businesses are fueled by the satisfaction of two important groups of people;

A. the consumer of their product
B. their employees
Without the employee to make the product, there will be nothing sold to the consumer. But without the consumer, employees aren't necessary, as nothing need be produced. A very basic principle. Having said that, why is it that every successful company ends up....
A. Making a cheap product so the consumers need to replace said cheap product as often as possible
B. Give the employees the lowest possible pay rate, least possible time off, and make sure they're treated like shit the entire time they literally waste their lives at work
It just doesn't make sense to me. These corporations literally fuck over their bread and butter. That is how they get such ridiculous profit....by FUCKING OVER THE VERY THINGS THEY OWE THEIR EXISTENCE TO.

I understand the logic of maximizing profits. Christ, the first track I composed in 2013 was 38 fucking minutes long, so clearly I understand the mentality of getting the most you possibly can out of whatever endeavor you are pursuing. What I don't understand is maximizing profits at the expense of the very people ensuring these profits exist. But it seems like whenever a business starts to get real successful, to the point of having a chain...I'm talking when a business literally breaks the 4th wall and becomes a fixture of pop culture due to its success.....I'm talking your Pepsi and Coca Colas, your Wal-Marts and Caldors, your KFCs and Taco Bells....whenever THAT level of success is reached....the profits are the fucking boss, guy. Fuck the consumer. Fuck the employees. Roll out the shit as cheap and mediocre as you can, so you can sell more shit.
Think about how fucking successful this elite class of corporations are. These are the businesses so well known and internationally recognized, they'll be spoofed on TV shows and dish out millions of dollars on corny adverisements that air during the Superbowl. (As opposed to putting that money into the pockets of the employees.)
I would bet my life that 10% of the collective amount of profit all these corporations receive in a decade would feed, clothe and house every homeless person in the world for the next 100 years, a dozen times over.

Just think about that shit, and then consider the fact that McDonalds recently spent money to inform their employees how to budget on meager wages. That's right; the cocksucking committee in charge of making decisions based on McDonalds employee satisfaction survey...and all the spies that record what the employees say when they take confession with Ronald McDonald...that is what they came up with. "Lets not increase the budget we allocate to employee payment, lets instead create an entirely new budget that will go entirely towards telling our employees how they can better utilize their meager earnings."
They'd rather spend money telling their employees how to budget their shitty wages than just give their employees the fucking money they spent on telling them how to budget their shitty wages.
   If that isn't a loogie to the employees face, I don't know what is.

It's as if Ronald McDonald isn't satisfied enough with his food giving people excessive diarrhea and cancer. Oh no. Now he also likes to hawk a giant figurative loogie into his entire workforces face. What a cock sucker.

3) People aren't entitled...they're informed
Ok, so maybe my generation is, to a large degree, petty and entitled. But can you blame us? The information (and misinformation {and disinformation}) people can mine from the internet is endless. Think about the scope and power of a tool such as the internet. Gathering information is like a fucking drug now. If you're reading this, you're probably like me, and you are addicted to the internet. It gives us fucking dopamine rushes, and I'm not even fucking joking. That is how powerful and fast the modern internet is. Point being....
People are dissatisfied with the current societal paradigm.
I would argue we're rightfully dissatisfied with said societal paradigm. I covered this already in 1 and 2, but I'll cover it again...your life is expected to revolve around your work. Your job IS YOUR LIFE. It is appalling for employers to hear this from their employees:
Maybe that is something this person wants to do before they die. They want to scale Mt Everest and meditate at the apex. They want to doggy paddle down the fucking Mississippi River with a whiskey buzz. 
I never understood why employees take their jobs so seriously. They literally take the corporations who treat them like shit so seriously. "You want a cup to fill with water at the fountain? Bullshit, you want a free drink!" Well of course I want a free drink, dipshit. The only holdup in this "free drink" equation is YOU for some reason don't want to take the opportunity at counter-fucking the company that's been fucking you over for the last year and a half of your life. Underpaying you and treating you like dog shit, all to stand at a cash register when you should be white river rafting or freebasing bath salts or something else equally meaningful and exciting.
You're acting like that $1.05 for soda is the price of your dignity...and yet...giving out a free drink to someone at $1.05 a pop, in my opinion, is getting $1.05 worth of dignity BACK from the corporation raping your soul. Double it if you want, considering you're fucking both McDonalds and Coca Cola out of $1.05. Look at you! You're like fucking Robin Hood. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. One dollar and five cents at a time you buy back your dignity, while you also make someones day since THEY get to save a dollar and five cents and fuck over two corporations. So just for handing someone an empty cup decorated with the golden arches, you effectively fuck over two evil corporations who willingly underpay employees, willingly strive to get people addicted to their products, and willingly turn a blind eye to the health hazards their products cause, lobbying against proper warning labels on their products to make the people weary of said health hazards.
So next time someone asks for a cup to fill up with water, take the chance to counter-fuck Ronald McDonald's fascist, tyrannical regime and give them 4 cups instead.
4) Charge less for college
You usually need a degree for a better job. But so many college kids are taking on multiple jobs just so they can afford the ridiculously expensive rate to attend said college, so one day they can work a better job and not need to work three jobs to pay for the pursuit of a better job...how about this one.
Educating the general public is a GOOD THING. Stop acting like its a fucking privilege OR a right, and start treating it like it's a FUCKING NECESSITY. Who thought it was a good idea to rape college kids with $20,000 loans, just so they can struggle to find a job when they graduate? How is that a good fucking idea? Wouldn't we want to educate the youth of the country so that one day they can make the world a better place? Namely better in that not everyone needs to work 40 hours a week to afford the gas it takes to get to work and the food it takes to survive so they can get to work again tomorrow?
Seriously. The War on Piracy. War on Terror. War on Drugs. They're all fucking pointless. Focus on the War on Stupidity. Start putting education first, so all our grandchildren can defend us from the invading Cosmic Assrape Armada who want to mine our planet for its sea salt and petroleum in 2054.
5) People with talent...live off said talent

People with talent should live off their talent. For example, when a talented musician such as myself looks to the mainstream and sees it populated by cookie cutter garbage, it is safe to assume the system is rigged in such a fashion that profits are not only far more important than the art form generating said profit....but, in fact, profits effectively negate the art entirely.

In a rich, progressive culture, one would expect innovation, creativity, and ingenuity to be praised. But just look at what music is most popular today. Listen to what music is on the radio, scope out which TV shows are getting the highest ratings and most promotion on their respective networks. Take a few steps back, and look at pop culture from afar, and you'll realize that its a huge indication of where society is currently at. Basically, today's culture is a festering turd, rapidly deteriorating in the toilet of a public restroom.


Sorry about that offensive overuse of caps lock. My house is haunted, you see, so the ghost of Tupac Shakur must have pressed the caps lock key while I was typing that last statement. Maybe he was trying to emphasize my last point or something.
6) The cost of everything is being raised....well, everything besides the cost of peoples time

When I first started working at the age of 16, all the way back in 2005, my home states minimum wage was $6.75. It had been $6.75 for a good 4 or 5 years. Since then, it hit $7.50 in 2007, and all the way up to $8.00 in 2008. We've been at $8.00 the entire time since. Cigarettes, in contrast, have almost doubled in price. Back in 2005, an hour of minimum wage work got you a pack of cigarettes with change. Nowadays, an hour of minimum wage work doesn't even get you a full pack of cigarettes.
  But really, all assumptive cigarette to minimum wage comparisons aside, people are thought less and less as people and more and more as exploitable entities. If every corporation pitched in their part and started paying their workers wages that were more fair, it would BOOST the economy in that everyone would have more money to spend. You gotta SPEND MONEY to MAKE MONEY, right? So why not SPEND THAT MONEY in the right places and keep the people that are the foundation of your business well payed, well fed, and well indoctrinated to return to your soul crushingly oppressive hamburger flipping stand week after week?
Think to yourself - is an hour of your time, AN HOUR OF YOUR LIFE, worth that $8.00? Do you think that 8 hours of your day, 5 days a week, is that much of your time worth $320 you lose a 4th of to taxes that go to bombing brown people? I, for one, value my time at much more than just eight fucking dollars an hour. I'd rather spend an hour living life than waste that hour so I can spend eight pathetic dollars on something. I can't even watch a movie in a movie theater for 8 fucking dollars. An hour of work doesn't even get you a fucking hour and a half of entertainment....or a god damn pack of cigarettes. What a fucking joke.
7) Stop taking out so much god damn money in taxes to bomb brown people....dickheads

I feel the title was self-explanatory on this one. If tax payers money actually went back to them in some way, there wouldn't be so many people in poverty, so many people hungry, so many people struggling to feed their families and keep a roof over their heads. Where the fuck are the taxes going? If you're taking 30% out of ALL of our checks every fucking week, you should at least have the common decency to....

A) Spend those ("rightfully" stolen) taxes on the people in THIS country
B)  Stop wasting it on war and other endeavors that stifle the advancement of our species
C) Spend the taxes on endeavors that strive to enlighten the masses and move society forward

Otherwise, fuck off and fund your own war, dickheads. I'm sorry I don't really feel all patriotic when 30% of my money goes to carpet bombing the boogeyman every week. But to me, and anyone else with any semblance of logic, it just seems we irritate the tension between us and the Middle East further when we bring our troops into all these countries. America loves to swing its dick and brag about having the most powerful army in the world, correct? Then why do we even need to go on the offensive? If our army is so goddamn powerful, we shouldn't need to go bomb poor, third world countries that will NEVER have the means of penetrating our defenses. (Well, unless they're funded by the CIA and told to fly planes into buildings, giving us all the excuses in the world to wrongfully bring our corporate-ocracy to as many other nations as we can.)

or alternatively 

Such filthy, cock-sucking pig fucks running the world. It makes me fucking sick.

I'm gonna stop while I'm ahead, before I give myself an ulcer.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Bitstrips Are For Assholes

I've been seeing people share these irritating little comic strips populated with what appears to be them and their friends on Facebook for a few months now. The art style of said comics are generic, bland, and blatantly annoying to look at. The jokes are corny every time. And my reaction to seeing these faggy little comic strips is usually one of simultaneous disgust and indifference. But then I saw one of my buddies make one of these lame comics featuring him and his new girlfriend....
Really? This kid actually continues to get laid after making that lame shit his cover photo? Any quality woman would dump the asshole responsible for perpetuating their likeness in a faggy comic. Especially in a fresh, 2 hour old relationship. Then again, being the generation raised on MTV and XTREME marketing, chicks eat this brand of retarded right up. They probably find it "cute," as opposed to what it really is....awkward and vomit-inducing.
 So I finally figured out what they were called, after being occasionally reminded of their existence every few weeks. "BITSTRIPS." Even the name itself makes me want to burn down orphanages and reevaluate my stance on suicide.

The idea itself is solid enough I guess - a comic strip generator that allows talentless jabronis to depict themselves and their shitty friends in zany, outrageous scenarios without having to learn the first thing about drawing the fucking thing themselves. And while the options did seem rather vast when I took the 5 minutes to cook up my anti-bitstrip bitstrip....you can completely customize your unoriginal character, choose from a variety of different backgrounds, decide how many panels you want in a comic strip....the end product always winds up coming across shallow and forced.

Comics aren't supposed to be generic, mass-produced, and lacking of a single original thought. That defeats the purpose of using a comic as the medium to tell your story.
Bitstrips...even the name itself is something an asshole would come up with. I can just imagine some over-enthusiastic knob with a collared Dave Matthews Band shirt enthusiastically saying it; "BIT STRIPS! DER!"
The name and end product of Bitstrips are so fucking lame I can't even wring any humor out of the figurative rag that is Bitstrips. There's just something so annoyingly narcissistic about the whole concept that compelled me to write this article.

Instant Comics and Cards starring YOU and your friends!
See? Wicked narcissistic. Sure, the whole concept of my writing persona is to be a narcissistic dickhead, so I'm being borderline hypocritical calling something else narcissistic. But there's a difference between my narcissism and the narcissism of those who lack self-awareness. Unlike people who use this comic book generator to make faggy little comics populated by them and their asshole friends, I don't lack the self-awareness to see the faults in my writing...and there are plenty of faults.
There is just something inherently wrong with a comic book generator. Especially one that gives people such generic, shoddy results. And this is coming from someone that took Garfield Minus Garfield and started throwing in Admiral Ackbar. I mean, at least I realized I was being an unoriginal dickhead with that concept. That's why I even called it "It's A Twapfield." It was intentionally bad. But the people who actually make these bitstrips, you can tell they think they're so cheeky and cute and fun. They're PROUD of their end result. Whereas I feel like mentally cutting myself after finishing every article; I feel like a genuine asshole after every issue of "It's A Twapfield" because I know its bad. These bitstrip fags though....they take themselves seriously, and that is a sobering thought.
I bet they even laugh at their own shitty comics, and excitedly share them with their douchebag friends who are also featured in the comic. How they are able to both take their comics seriously and laugh at them at the same time is beyond my realm of comprehension in my current state of car-less sobriety.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

George Zimmerman? Who The Fuck Cares

I haven't been posting much lately. For a while I was focusing on Infinite Jelly Junction (and its subsequent spin-offs, Cosmic Assrape Armada, Merciless Memories, and Rape to the Future) and my music. There was too little time in a day to cut loose and verbally berate ideas or societal quirks that made my blood boil. Incidentally, the very first article I ever wrote on this blog turned prophetic, namely that the George Zimmerman / Trayvon Martin cluster-fuck would be used by the mainstream media to play on peoples emotions.

Seriously, I hate being right. Because of my jaded, bitter, cynical view on society, it is painful to learn I am correct. And to bring this blog full circle back to my very first article, George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin are both being used as the figurative poster child's of a race war. But let me break it down for you nice and easy for a second here....

George Zimmerman is a name NONE OF US should have ever heard....EVER. But because society is so ass-backwards, people sit by their TV sets with popcorn, digesting a court case like its entertainment. Shit like that makes my blood boil. Jason Holmes, Sandy Hook, Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman, the Boston Bomber.....they're all turned into celebrities, despite having very little to no impact on culture beyond the propaganda mainstream media spins out of their crimes. It's disgusting.
The only criminals I'm interested in hearing about are those populating our government, and by extension, the criminals funding the puppet show that is politics. THOSE are the criminals we need to bring to justice more than any other. But you won't see a 5 year media circus about the banker who stole billions of dollars...because that would be unbecoming of the very people funding the crooked media we're all supposed to base our views of reality around.

I have a question for everyone that has invested their time in this George Zimmerman business. HOW DOES IT EFFECT YOU DIRECTLY? In what way does this personal crime, this petty incident occurring between two people you've never met, effect you enough to waste HOURS of your life? The only way it does effect you, is how you personally react to the propaganda the media is spinning out of this rather personal crime. Again....


How am I in the minority on this one? How does no one else find it offensive and morally degrading to focus so much media attention on a crime that has no impact on any of our lives? How am I the only person who feels my intelligence is being insulted when mundane nonevents are turned into reality TV, at the expense of actual knowledge and insight? How am I one of the only people who finds it directly detrimental to the advancement of our society when the media dick-rides criminals, basically turning them into celebrities?

Tragedies are great reality TV, haven't you heard? And criminals are great celebrities, because they don't even have to get paid!
My main point is, journalistic integrity is being cast aside for ratings and, by extension of the quest for ratings, an uninformed public. Unfortunately, emotionally charged, biased reporting is what gets ratings. Human advancement is stifled and stagnant because everyone is conditioned (or expected to be conditioned) into vain, ignorant, materialistic knobs. Not saying it works 100% of the time, but just look at the ratings of Jersey Shore, or what musicians / artists populate the Billboard, or what is currently trending online. Birdman is worth $164,000,000 while people literally starve and die in the street. How does that happen?
Long story short, the amount of coverage given to non-events such as the Trayvon Martin case have a direct, negative impact on culture. It's basically like cultural herpes. Sure, the outbreak may go away, and you might be able to smash a few ladies while your sores are missing...but the herpes will be back. By the end of 2013, I guarantee we'll have another media circus giving unwarranted attention and coverage to some criminal, turning that criminal into a celebrity for committing a crime that happens every day.

The way the media spins stories in an emotional, biased fashion is 100% intended to both generate higher ratings while distracting the masses, and also to keep as at odds with each other, too busy hating the wrong people for the wrong reasons to realize the people actually raping our livelihood are the same people conditioning us to have these unwarranted prejudice thoughts in the first place. That's why they use pictures of Trayvon as a pre-teen. Not to mention all the anti-white propaganda being regurgitated by people too idiotic to realize that....

A. The murderer in question was Mexican

The media is totally trying to fan the flames of a race war. Just like they fan the flames of all other sorts of public unrest, day-by-day, minute-by-minute. Keep us scared, hateful, and ignorant so we're too timid and meek to stand up against tyranny and pull the governments figurative, barbed cock from the asshole of liberty.
How do people fail to realize the racism is being forced? Race should never have anything to do with anything, it should be a moot point in a list of facts that actually matter. The way they treated this case, both the judicial system AND the media reporting on it, was done in such a manner to get people angry and hateful. Race should have nothing to do with anything, it's a non-issue. At least, that's the way I've always seen it. You don't see preschoolers judging each other on skin color, because those aren't thoughts that naturally occur. They are ingrained by society, specifically through things like THIS - unwarranted media attention on an issue totally intended to spark debate and hatred.
Basically, the way the case played out AND the way the media (and by extension, the public) reacted to it was largely by design.

The worst part is, I go out of my way to avoid the mainstream media, and despite my efforts to avoid this exact sort of programming, I hear about it peripherally through social interactions and social media.

 And then you get toolbags like Akon.

“Every African American in the United States need to move their money, family, knowledge back to Africa were u will be treated like the royalty you are. You don’t deserve this treatment. This is not your country!!”

 Why just African Americans, Akon? Do you care less about people of other races, or something? How fucking idiotic do you have to be to turn a blind eye to the daily bombing of innocent people in the Middle East, the counterfeit "War On Terror," the raping of the worlds resources by our bloated, incompetent government....but then start menstruating over ONE court case that is quite obviously being used as a means to incite the very hatred and racism you spout?  You're a fucking idiot, Akon. So should white people, Mexican people, Irish, Italian, Asian....should THEY all move to Africa as well where their money, family and knowledge will be treated "like the royalty" they are? Or is it just black people that are oppressed against?

HOW DO YOU NOT REALIZE YOU ARE FEEDING INTO THE VERY RACIST THOUGHTS THEY ARE ATTEMPTING TO INGRAIN INTO YOUR PEA SIZED, TALENTLESS BRAIN? Go back to recording your generic music with your shitty auto-tune presets, you fucking knob, and let people with an actual semblance of rational thought discuss the blatant propaganda the media dishes out on a daily basis.

It boggles my mind, it really does. 

You know what is infinitely more offensive than any aspect of that Trayvon / Zimmerman bullshit? The ridiculous amount of coverage it's receiving. How many hours of a journalists day are dedicated to reporting on nonevents? Ron Burgundy and his crew had more relevant news in the movie Anchorman than what we get on TV. Such bullshit. Such tedious, brainwashing, hatred-inspiring bullshit.

UPDATE: 7/19/13

Really? People are really refusing to tip as "Justice for Trayvon?" 

Jesus fucking christ, people. This can't be real.