Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Let Me Google Ask Jeeves That For You

Monday, May 27, 2013

Troll Hunting (Part 14) UPDATED

As any musician out there could probably tell you, Soundcloud is a great site to upload your music to. Soundcloud has a few "universal truths" about it. Every person that uses Soundcloud, be it the musician, DJ, pod-caster or MC, we all share these thoughts about the platform:

  1. The "New Soundcloud" fails on more levels than it succeeds.
  2. Why the fuck do I bother uploading to this site again? 99% of people on soundcloud are just trying to have their music heard, not to hear new music. Oh well, despite that I'm gonna upload a new track anyways. As opposed to waiting to drop a full album....
  3. Great, some asshole just advertised their music in a comment on my track.

 That has to be the most ineffective method of advertising your music...by spamming a link to one of your songs ON ANOTHER SONG. Take this dipshit Shogun, for example...

Really? You're gonna advertise dubstep on my heavy metal track? If you're gonna be a dickhead and promote music by spamming your link on other music, at least make sure the genre is relevant to the song your sharing. Naturally I felt compelled to respond, and Shogun quickly responded to me.

What I didn't expect is one of Shoguns random dick riders to take a break from riding Shoguns dick and take up arms in defense.

So because this Shogun character deserves more listeners, its my duty to let him spam links to his cookie cutter music on my music? I mean, it's not like he could have chosen a more fitting song to advertise his dubstep music on....there isn't a single song on my soundcloud that would have been a more relevant choice to share that link on.

Oh look, 8 songs that have relevant genres for you to spam your crappy music on, Shogun. Nice job picking the single least relevant song of my entire 41 song Soundcloud catalog to spam your link on. And then getting offended when I tell you to fuck off.

I was making dubstep in 2010, bitch.

Shoguns dick rider got all butthurt though and decided to tell me how much my music sucked.

And my response:

I don't even know why I bothered making this article. These 16 year old idiots will continue to abuse the comment feature on Soundcloud regardless of whatever input I might impart on this blog. My condescending remarks on their tracks will do nothing to educate them on the uselessness of advertising their music on other music. They'll continue making cookie-cutter, garbage music because that's what 16 year old kids do. That's what I did at 16. Only difference is I learned an instrument and performed my crappy tunes. Not dragged samples and dropped them in a pirated DAW because I want to be the next Deadmau5 or Skrillex or some shit. 

UPDATE: 6/2/2013

Looks like my jimmie rustling caused a case of the butthurt for DeKeR.

If you and Shogun are done with my bullshit and have been, why would you take the time to respond to my response? Wouldn't you just ignore and delete my remarks? And now you're saying "Holy shit, leave me alone" when you started shit on one of my songs in the first place?

It's not like this is the first time I've dealt with fucking idiots spamming their shitty, generic music on my soundcloud....

Like this past incident...
Or this one...

And who could forget the lameness of "Face Palm"?
Or the fact EDM is retarded?
And so is PLUR.

Thursday, May 16, 2013


3 years today. RIP Ronnie James DIO.

I actually just lost a friend, an irreplaceable friend who died after a car accident, and I remember his reaction to DIO dying. He said he imagined me at my house, eating ice cream and crying like a fat chick. RIP J.F.

Monday, May 13, 2013

The ONLY Things That Should Be Legal....

Here's a list of the only things that should be legal at this point, with short descriptions to entail just HOW legal they are.

1. Breathing
Breathing is something that has to be legal, with the exception of heavy breathing in public areas, or even in private areas in the presence of others. If you're breathing heavy, you don't want other ethnicities who might happen to be in ear-shot of you think you are muttering slurs under your breath, would you? That would be insensitive and socially incorrect. Don't be a bigot! Also, heavy breathing causes duress in females; it might trigger rape flashbacks, or even give them the impression you are going to rape them, your heavy breathing acting as some sort of rape war-cry. Or rape-cry, if you will.

THE ONLY TIME breathing heavy is to be an acceptable, completely legal act is at sporting events and only by the athletes, and perhaps the referees, but to a lesser degree.

2. Water
Drinking water has to be legal - or else we'd all die. But the amount of water each person drinks should be heavily monitored.....and taxed accordingly, of course. Here's additional rules to help differentiate just how legal "Water" should be.

A. When swimming in any body of water, be it a lake, the ocean, your swimming pool, or even your bathtub, you should be monitered by no less than (6) cameras.

B. When taking a shower,
you should be monitored by no less than (3) cameras. You're less likely to drown while standing up in a stream of running water that quickly drains out, but we can never be too careful, can we?

C. Collecting rain water for any purpose will result in said rain collectors immediate and merciless execution. Who the fuck do they think they are, stealing our fucking water?!

3. Food
All food should first be sent through Monsanto checkpoints to verify they are as unnatural and genetically modified as possible. Should any food be inspected that doesn't reach the amount of preservatives or genetic modifications to appease Monsantos fiery will, the source of the food will be traced and the farmer who yielded the crop will be stoned in public.

4. Marijuana
Marijuana should be legalized, but only after it is patented, synthesized, and riddled with varying degrees of toxins and chemicals to rob potheads of their lives.
5. Wireless Internet
Wireless Internet should not only be legal, but it should be free for everyone!

6. Sex 
Sex isn't meant to be an intimate, romantic experience. It is not an expression of love, or a pleasurable experience. It is merely meant for procreation; nothing more. Because of this, sex will now be delegated to "BREEDERS" who will be hand-picked by government elected officials. Paper work must be filled out in triplicate to be eligible to receive a SEX PERMIT. Any individual(s) caught having sex without filling out the proper paperwork and receiving their SEX PERMIT in advance will be publicly executed via insertion of drill into the anus.

7. Comedy
Comedy can only be legal in ONE of its many varying forms.......ECards.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Cosmic Assrape Armada (Chapter 6: A Long Time Ago...In A Rape Dungeon Far Far Away)

Chapter 6 of the cinematic experience heralded by the New York Times as "Inspirational, touching, we even peed a little," and the Washington Post describes as "Cosmic Assrape Armada is a clear indication the globe is well on its way to world peace."

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Mainstream Media Fucks Up....AGAIN

I'm not gonna bog down this article with an introduction chronicling my fervent distrust of mainstream media. Those very thoughts, and my reasoning behind them have been immortalized on this very blog numerous times in the past, and I'd be wasting both of our times if I reiterated said past ramblings. Instead, I present to you EVIDENCE (a GIF that I stole from another website) that CNN were blatantly lying to their viewers. And the scariest part is....they didn't even need to be lying. It accomplished nothing.

Here they are, pretending to talk through their ear pieces to each other, 'via satellite,' when they're quite obviously standing a few fucking feet away from each other. Just look at the cars whiz by, they are literally right next to each other in the same god damn parking lot, staring into different cameras like giant fucking cunts. Completely ridiculous.
Now just think: if CNN is willing to lie to you about two of their anchors standing in the same parking lot....just what are they getting paid to sweep under the rug?

Seriously, why the fuck is it necessary for them to have two anchors speaking to each other through ear pieces via satellite? Are we to assume this was CNNs failed attempt at swinging its non-existent technological cock around? Are they trying to heighten the drama? What purpose did this lie even serve? There was no fucking point to lying. They had nothing to gain from this lie, had it succeeded. And yet they stand so much to lose for such a blunder. They really should lost so much fucking credibility for this kind of hokey, amateur error. This shit should NOT be tolerated....and yet no one will even notice. And those who do notice aren't likely to grasp how offensive and degrading such a small, insignificant lie is.
Such an idiotic, simple mistake, and yet if only the masses would notice. Are the New World Order Reptilian Illuminati Free Mason McBilderburger Greshtiffoorapeulessians just toying with us, at this point? Are they intentionally making petty mistakes to test the waters, to see how much they could get away with, to challenge the effectiveness of their propaganda and social indoctrination?
God damn mainstream media. Making every story they report seem simultaneously counterfeit and sleazy. All we fucking hear about for 2 months is the Boston bombing, we get 100s of perspectives on the incident, and for some reason we still feel uninformed.
Smarmy fucking news casters, just o
ozing sincere pretentiousness with their nasally, monotonous voice inflections and forced, corny attempts at humor. Reading patronizing scripts that treats the American public like the 5th graders hopped up on Ritalin and McDonalds that they really are.
If only the media took some inspiration from Anchorman....

Through some extensive research (a 10 second Google search) I found this retro CNN blooper.

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon (Sweet Funky Review)

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon is probably dollar for dollar the most entertaining video game I've ever played.

Everything about Blood Dragon is perfect. If Blood Dragon was a metal band, their amps wouldn't just go to 11....they'd go to 42. Blood Dragon hits the ground running with a piss-take of game tutorials, quickly introducing you into the games setting in a truly memorable way. The atmospheric, post-apocalyptic apocalypse, no doubt the fallout of Vietnam 2, is beautifully captured. Cities burn in the distance. Animals with neon modifications scurry about. (Those Daft Punk turkeys are fucking viscous.) The sky is an unnatural and eerie purplish hue, and random neon splotches dot the landscapes. It's like you've been dropped into an unreleased James Cameron movie.
Speaking of James Cameron, the soundtrack to this game could have easily been used in any of his movies and fit perfectly. The Terminator, T2: Judgement Day, Escape From New York, Escape From LA, The Thing, Halloween, They Live...hell, I'd even wager Power Gloves amazing soundtrack would elevate the turd that was "Ghosts of Mars" into something more memorable. The music is that good. In fact, hearing the sound track is what sparked my interest in the game in the first place. For the first minute of listening to the soundtrack I sat at my desk, mouth agape, eyes glazed over, hash pipe festively smoking to my left. By the 2nd minute of the sound track I was already buying the game on my PSN. This is retro cheesiness at its best.

Fortunately, the cheesiness and over-the-top winks, knudges, and stabs in the face only heighten the enjoyment of the experience, and literally NEVER let up. The game mocks not only action movies of the 80s and early 90s, but also mocks modern gaming in general. Loading screens flash patronizing remarks such as "Hint screens will provide you with hints" and "Need help? Maybe the next loading screen will give you a tip!" 

I enjoyed this game even more than the Red Dead Redemption DLC, "Undead Nightmare," which no doubt inspired this trend in DLC. (Like the vampire DLC in Infamous, or the ghost DLC in Sleeping Dogs, or the zombie DLC in Borderlands.) Hell, I'd even wager Blood Dragon trumps Duke Nukem. Imagine a game that teams up Duke and Rex "Power" Colt? That would be ridiculous. 

I was born in 1988...so I wasn't even old enough to cognitively register even the tail end of the 80s...but this game has to be the perfect, modern tribute to that time period, on almost all fronts. I'd say it's the "Venture Bros" of video games and cyberpunk, blended with the biting satire of South Park.
I beat the game in two sessions. Took me around 7 hours in all, and I actually finished the game 100%. I plan on playing it again on the most difficult setting after I finish playing a few other games, but I'm definitely looking forward to returning to this game again and again. Even if the ending won't be as shockingly epic as the first time.
Don't read this next part of my article if you haven't played the game yet, because I'm gonna briefly write about the last 15 minutes of the game. Seriously, the ending of this game is so awesome that I am going to actually warn you ahead of time - spoiler alert, jabroni. Move along, sir. Seriously, stop reading, you fucking idiot, and go buy the game. Beat it first, and then you won't even need to read this next part. I feel compelled to tell you the punch of the ending is completely reliant on the players ignorance on the absurdity they are going to witness. Last warning...
All right. So the last 20 minutes of Blood Dragon puts Rocky IV, Never Ending Story, Dragonheart, Commando, Mortal Kombat, a 16-b
it sex scene, a training montage, He-man, They Live, and the Walking Dead into a blender, mixes in a QP of some dank music festival cannabis, and then dumps in a vial of acid.

I'm not
even gonna say more. Buy this game. Support the people who created it, so that it can be turned into a lucrative franchise that, 4 years down the road, people will bitch about. "Blood Dragon 7 is such a cash-in! They're just like Call of Duty now! Rabble rabble rabble!"
Yearly helpings of Rex "Power" Colt? Count me in. They should make the sequel "DLC of the DLC." So it could be like:

"Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon: Blood Dragon 2: Bloodier Dragon"

And instead of an island setting, they could go with an Escape From New York vibe, peppering in even more shameless references, drenching the entire affair in another cheesy soundtrack provided by Power Glove, and maybe even a few tracks by Jon of the Shred.