Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Fuck Originality. Lets Use "Illuminati" Symbolism Instead!

Why be original? We can just push buttons to make music and throw over-used symbolism in our album art / festival poster / band logo / tattoo sleeve.
























 

Jesus fucking Christ people, enough with the 'eye in the pyramid' logo. Here, let me design something new for you............


Why Stop At Gay Marriage? Ban All Marriage



Why stop at gay marriage? They might as well just ban ALL marriage. It's an out-dated concept, at this point. Don't even bother getting married, people. Buy each other rings, invite both your families over, have a huge keg party that turns into a sloppy orgy...go buck wild. But there is no need to go and get the church or government involved.

Why would people want their relationship blessed by the government or church in the first place? Adding all these pointless, unnecessary endeavors to a relationship,
even getting complete strangers involved to sign papers and bring flowers and play music and fit tuxedos and.....fuck all that noise.
    
     "Hey, let's have a trivial ceremony to celebrate basic human instinct and the simplistic concept of mutual attraction!"  So two people have enough chemistry to like each others personalities (and genitals) enough to live together, have sex, and not want to kill each other? Good for them. That is the extent of how much I care about other peoples relationships. Whilst reflecting on two people who have decided to sleep with each other again after the initial bang, I have one of two opinions: "Good for them" or "I really hope they don't procreate."

It doesn't matter if it's two sticks, two holes, or a stick and a hole - who cares? No reason to hang banners, or send out invitations, or invite people from across the country. Just bang each others brains out and shut the fuck up about it. Bringing a relationship into the public domain in any fashion is unnecessary. If there is one benefit of marriage, it would be that once you attend the stupid fucking wedding maybe the couple will finally shut the fuck up about how happy and in-love they are. Keep that shit to yourself, assholes. Is nothing sacred enough to keep private anymore? Jesus fucking Christ.
   
While I think the entire concept of marriage is pointless, I know it isn't going to be abandoned any time soon, unfortunately. So if you ask me....and you probably won't....who the fuck cares if lesbians and homos want to tie  the knot? Here's an idea - if it bothers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, DON'T GO TO THE WEDDING. I know I won't be going. So you should probably do the same thing as me, and mind your own fucking business.

But again, I have literally no interest in 'gay marriage,' 'regular marriage,' 'marriage to an animal,' 'marriage to an inanimate object,' or whatever other form of marriage you can think of. So here's a bonus image of something far more relevant and important to society; something I think is far more important to debate than 'same sex marriage.'
 
The state of music.

  
 
Here, why not have yourself a second bonus too? Here's yet another image I made today that is weighing on my mind 1000% more than any 'Same Sex Marriage' debate ever will:

Merle's fate on the Walking Dead.

 




You went out an ass-kicker, Merle. If only it weren't for that asshole Ben getting in the way, you would have killed the Governor and most likely escaped back to the prison. But that wouldn't be a climatic penultimate episode Season 3, would it?

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Fleshlights (And Why They Should Have Preceded Dildos)

Well I'll be damned, Walgreens. You've actually enticed me to purchase something at one of your derelict, rundown, unkempt stores. Many are still astonished that Walgreens was able to outlive Ames. Personally, I still cry myself to sleep every night as I reflect upon Caldors. (I pluralize Caldor, that's right. That's just how I remember the name. Fuck you.) But despite Walgreens unjustifiable existence.....they've completely erased my unintentional disregard of said existence, with just ONE revolutionary product. With just one revolutionary product, with one AMAZINGLY low price.
 .......
 ....
 ....
 .......
 ...
 ....
 .....
 ...........
 .........
 ...
 .........
 ..........
 ......
 ..............
 .........
 ...............
  .......................
 
 
Walgreens has fleshlights for less than $10.
  Let me save you the trouble, readers...
http://www.walgreens.com/storelocator/find.jsp
 
 Here's a few choice pieces of text from these pages I found particularly amusing.
 
"With a realistic hymen"
"Pop her cherry!"

 "Slip it in!"
"!Not sold in stores"
 
  Aw man, I can't buy this in the store itself? That's some bullshit. I have this wild theory that I'd literally be the ONLY person to enjoy the experience of purchasing one of these in public. To wait in the line of the most innocent looking cashier and watch her timid reaction to the sole product I journeyed to Walgreens for. I have no doubts that the public purchase of the "Doc Johnson Palm Pal" would be a much darker one for literally anyone else.
 
Most folks would stumble awkwardly up and down each aisle, feeling inceasingly more self-conscious and embarrassed as each torturous minute passed. Instead of simply asking a Walgreens employee; "Excuse me, good madam/sir, but where do you keep your pocket pussies?" the sheepish customer would continue their labored jaunt for the better part of a half-hour, their mind racing in a lust-filled daze. Finally, the poor bastard stumbles upon it - the holy grail for manual male masturbatory miniatures - an affordable fleshlight. Looking up and down the aisle, terrified at the thought that some random stranger he will never see again will remember him as "That creepy pervert browsing for $8 sex toys in an unkempt Walgreens," the poor son of a bitch waits until an opportune time arrives, and then snatches his prize quick in a frenzied fashion. From this point on would arrive the inevitably horrible experience of plopping this boxed plastic vagina mold down on the counter, and feeling all remaining shreds of his dignity float away on the dying winds that were once his self-confidence.
 
Me, I'd have the opposite experience. I'd walk towards the Walgreens wearing my Sundays best, whistling an upbeat, optimistic tune with fervent delight, literally brightening the very aura and atmosphere of the parking lot with each step I took. I'd hold open the door of the store for an elderly woman on my way in. I'd greet the resident Walgreens crack addict as I walked by the counters towards the aisles. I'd find my desired item of purchase, the plastic pussy I've been waiting my whole life for, and let out an exaggerated sigh of relief. A young couple with their child would be walking by, and I'd smile at them broadly, saying something along the lines of

 "Wonderful day to be buying a pocket pussy, isn't it?" 

The couple would shield their childs ears, and usher him away with disgusted expressions on their faces. Then I'd make my way up to the counter, cock swinging majestically at half mast, semi-hard and semi-flaccid, just twitching in anticipation of penetrating the sweet "realistic hymen" of the Virgin Palm Pal. The store clerk, a young woman in her late teens, would catch sight of my healthy pud, gasping at its size and blushing slightly as her slit moistened at the thought of being penetrated. I'd plop down my prize proudly, as the cashier would meekly ask,

"Is this all, sir?" 

I would answer her with much gusto and enthusiasm, "Yes ma'am, this pocket pussy will be it!" I'd emphasize the words POCKET and PUSSY with great pride and satisfaction, as the people in the store shake their heads in disgust, and as the couple from earlier are forced to shield their childs ears and eyes once again, muttering curses and racial slurs under their breaths. Then I'd retreat to my living quarters...and I'd make sweet, sweet hate to that minge mold all night. I'd make love to it until my dick was bruised and beaten, completely spent of ejaculate and baby batter.
 
 It would actually be hilarious to go and buy one of these. Do it half drunk, so you're slurring your words and reek of whiskey. Drunkenly berate the cashier when they give you a look of disgust. "What, what's the big deal? A huge, 18 inch double ended dildo is socially acceptable but a pocket pussy gets looks of scorn and contempt? FUCK YOU, PRUDE!" Then you'd rip open the box, pull out the Palm Pal and start vigorously thrusting into it right there in the store, stopping only to vomit on the person behind you in line. With your dick. And your mouth.
 
Seriously though, what's the big deal about fleshlights? They seem every bit as reasonable as dildos, which are such an accepted part of society at this point, the term is actually used to insult people. You're 100% more likely to hear someone get called a "Dildo" than you are to hear some get called an "uncleaned fleshlight." Women using dildos and vibrators are accepted behavior. But fleshlights...fleshlights automatically make you a loser. They're even less socially accepted than sex dolls. Because the semi-necrophiliac sensation of fucking a lifeless sex doll should be far more mainstream than what is basically the male equivalent of a dildo. Right.

  
I'd say fleshlights should be far more socially accepted than dildos. Think about it - dildos only make the vagina wider. Fleshlights, on the other hand, improve the stamina. Your dick doesn't shrink if you stick it in a fleshlight. But I assume a vagina will be stretched by constant dildo use.

Hell, I'd wager fleshlights have been around for less time than anal beads.
And to me that is just disturbing. ANAL BEADS have no purpose in civilized society. They're awkward for either sex to use, and aren't replacing natural sexual functions. A fake penis or a fake vagina? Makes perfect sense - make products that replace the actual sexual organs. But where the fuck would the necessity of "anal beads" come into play when discussing human instinct? Mimicking the sensation of taking deer shits? (You know, when instead of one or two healthy logs you poop out a bunch of little poop nuggets instead...'deer shits.')

 
Fleshlights seem far more important to society than both anal beads and dildos. Think about it - fleshlights prevent more unnecessary breeding. The world has too much babies as it is; enough with these stupid fucking teenagers spawning more of their unnecessary children. Hell, I've even noticed a new trend - that some shitty dad will actually impregnate various women before they hit their mid 20's. What a dick. What a selfish piece of shit. You already have ONE child to manage, now you have to spread your retard seed even further to additional women? FUCK YOU, buddy. And the same goes for women. I actually used to know this one girl...a MILF, if you will, as she was smoking hot and already had a child...and this stupid bitch STROVE to be impregnated. I mean she strove to be impregnated in socially dangerous ways. This cunt was crazy enough to actually try to trick the various men she was sleeping with to bust in her and impregnate her. She was trying to trick them into providing her with another child. Again, what a fucking cunt. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FIRST CHILD, YOU JACKASS. Stop producing more children from more sources, there's too many fucking babies and there's too many fucking idiots producing said babies. That's why they all seem to have multiple babies with multiple partners. But I digress...back to dildos.

  Dildos aren't preventing shit. Women in the range of "smoking hot" all the way to "moderately unattractive" don't have to put in any effort whatsoever to get fucked. So the dildos aren't stopping women from getting pregnant. And anal beads.....the only thing anal beads are preventing are self-dignity and self-respect. But the fleshlight...if the fleshlight was a more accepted part of culture, a socially acknowledged "tool" that is part of the evolution of 'sexuality,' it would stop thousands of men from wasting their time on sluts. Sluts who are just using them for their money. It would even out the playing field considerably, and maybe we'd see less of these 16 - 25 year old idiots breeding more idiots into this already desperately retarded world. And then for some reason breeding AGAIN with NEW partners, as if to see how many shitty people they can generate themselves.
    

  
In conclusion, fleshlights > anal beads, dildos, sex dolls, and in most cases (with this shitty generation) even girlfriends. I'd say 'fleshlights,' 'palm pals' and any other variation of a 'pocket pussy' are scorned by people who lack the testicular fortitude to realize the true worth of the product. Basically, unless you have a shitload of money....in which case you can effortlessly fuck all the vain, mindless sluts you want....the $7.99 for the Palm Pal is far more worth spending than all the pain and frustration of entering a shallow relationship with one of the indoctrinated princesses of our lost generation. So when you can't find any damsels in distress due to daddy issues with low enough standards to let you smash and dash, your best bet is a Palm Pal for those cripplingly lonely nights you remember how unappealing you are to anything but sluts. And by sluts I'm referring to 99% of this generations female population, as a stark comparison to the 99% of retarded frat boys of this generations male population.

Fuck having friends and a social life, all I need me is a Palm Pal and an internet connection.


 

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Hey Pacefalm! 'No, Just No' (Troll Hunting Part 12)

Pacefalm. What a brilliant name for an EDM producer who craps out simplistic garbage in the space of an hour they then wrongly define as music. It's perfect, really - the person is warning you ahead of time with the very name of their project what you're likely going to be forced to do when you hear their songs. You're going to 'face palm' when you hear their generic trap and dubstep tracks they made on Garage Band in a half hour. (Because you can't spell crap without three letters of the word trap.)

I didn't start this war. Pacefalm started this shit.
 
 
I fucking hate when people do this. "No dude, just no." Anyone who uses any variation of this....
 
 "No...just no."

 
...should be banned permanently from the internet. And they should still have to pay their internet bill, despite not being allowed to use it. There is an art to being a pretentious dickhead, and you fucking idiots that use the "No...just no" reaction are sullying that very art by using half-assed internet terms in place of perfecting the whole "mock superiority" angle. Watch some British TV and Curb Your Enthusiasm, Pacefalm, you'll get it. I'm rooting for you, buddy! Or maybe you won't - I mean, you barely put any effort into your music so how can you be expected to put any effort into being a smug dickhead*?

(*Last April, I figured I had accomplished enough in music to get away with this 'smug dickhead' comedy blog, and look what happened. This blog actually gets more traffic than my soundcloud does, which is simultaneously annoying as fuck and hilarious. Here is an unnecessary chart to illustrate my point.)
  


 Here, let's take a step back and look at Pacefalms comment in context.
 

"no dude, just no.. that did not match that at all hahaha"

What are you referring to, Pacefalm? What didn't match what?
What is that and what is that? I get the impression someone with the capabilities of half-assing cookie-cutter EDM and posting it online with a cringe inducing stage name in lig patin isn't (completely) retarded....they're just stupid like 90% of everyone else, and as such I decided to go over to Pacefalms page, give them the benefit of the doubt, and listen to some of their music.

Of course, while I was there giving them the "benefit of the doubt," I could still decide to leave the exact same comment on one of their tracks. Why not, right?
 
"no dude, just no.. that did not match that at all hahaha"
  
I also left a number of other, more critical comments. This did not sit well with Pacefalm.
  
  
Pacefalm relished in his cruel, 14-word review of my music. His verbal tirade on my 38 minute song, "Apocalyptic Dawn," would have crushed a lesser person. In fact, 3 of the 14 words of said review were "ha," implying he was, in fact, laughing at my music. Laughing at a song that has this for a genre....
 

One can not simply joke about the Greatest and Best Song In The World. Pacefalm needed to be punished. So I decided to leave more comments on his soundcloud.
   






I know Pacefalm is gonna be hitting me back with some of his brilliant Kiwi* insight. I even gave him the edge and said "because you're music is fucking garbage." There's your opening, Pacefalm. Use it wisely.

*And by Kiwi I mean Australian. I'm just using the term ironically to rustle some jimmies. So STFU and let the troll take its bait.)
 
UPDATE: 3/13/2013 (12:18 PM)
 
So the Pacefalm strikes back! Pacefalm decided to troll me back.
  
  
  What an amateur. It looks like you're yelling at "evosbeatz," when you're supposed to be yelling at me, jackass. "THIS IS BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD" is directed at evosbeatz for what reason, Pacefalm? If you have beef with evosbeatz, take it up with him. Honest mistake though, I'm sure you were blind with rage after seeing my comments on your music, and in your rage failed to realize a comment you made was wrongly directed at an innocent bystander. Surely evosbeatz was the only casualty of your stupidity. Right?
 

  
Guess not. Full Blooded Mutt, mds-digital, the-univeral-sickness, suspect-hero, johnnie-greenback, bonnie-legion, :, thepootyclub, househertz, complex-humans, manchineofficial, and drgoo all got targeted as well. Way to be a dick to all these people for no reason, bro. You never even listened to their music and you're calling it shit?

HOW DARE YOU?


As for "SKRILL0X PLS," I'll skrill0x my dick into your mothers ear canal. Maybe my dick in her ear will give her a much needed break from hearing your poverty productions.

  
The thing about Pacefalm is, he keeps deleting my comments on his music. At least I have the common decency to leave his disparaging remarks on my Soundcloud for all to see. What a coward. I'm not gonna deny this jaborini's right to free speech because he chooses to attack my music with it. Instead, I'll respond by exercising my right to freedom of speech by being an even bigger dick back. That's just how we do it in the OC.
  
Again, I felt obligated to respond to his latest response to my response of his response to my music with a speed troll attack. I did this because I know he's gonna delete it all anyway, so might as well post the same thing over and over again to make it far more annoying to deal with.
 

 When I went to drop some comments on Pacefalms Soundcloud, I noticed he only follows 20 people. What a BADASS! The guy mutual followed 800 people, then after a while he hit "Unfollow" to all but 20 to look like he earned those followers with interesting and original music. What caught my eye in the follower section was an artist named "Funtcase."
 

  Bingo!
 
   An artist named "FuntCase." Just from seeing that, I could tell Pacefalm based his entire career around Funtcase. And I knew what angle I'd use in my comments this time. Basically, considering both artists used pig Latin in their stage names, and Funtcase has around 3 times the Soundcloud following, I assumed Pacefalm is really just a poor mans Funtcase. Pacefalm is so unimaginative it literally took 20 seconds to figure out the source he plagiarized his music, stage name, and the general direction of his career from.
 
So I left these two comments, numerous times, in rapid succession:

  

  
Now if my troll instincts are correct, this comment, "Oh look, I think I'm FuntCase!" should really strike a nerve, because...well...I'm basically calling the guy a ripoff. Suggesting his entire music persona is just a knock-off of someone else. He might as well call himself "Scrallax" or "Ugly Lights" instead, at least those are bigger named artists to ape your style off of.