Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Sweet Funky Freedom Solves the Debt Crisis (Cultural Cancer Part 4)

I've had this blog for nearly a year now. In that time I've ranted, raved, satirized, parodied, mocked, self-mocked, offended, bewildered, commentated, trolled, rustled, exaggerated, laughed, cried, and came. (Just kidding.....I never cried. Only pussies cry.) Though many of these articles have a point they're trying to drive home, the social commentary often flies over many peoples heads, which is understandable and disappointing. It is in light of this, that I am going to write an article I hope will help shine light on what is a truly grim time in American History. So without further (unnecessary) adieu, I (non)humbly present...
 
 
Money is unnecassary. Money is the kindling of the figurative fire of tyranny. We should just abandon the concept of money entirely and move forward as a species into a more resource, self-sufficient based society. And I'm talking collectively, as a planet. War, poverty, tyranny, oppression, greed, injustice, propaganda, disinformation, manipulation....in the year 2013, these concepts should be abandoned entirely. To think, an entire world of people wishing they had the chance to kill the rest of the world. If only every nation knew how much we all collectively hate each other, maybe we could all bond on our shared pettiness, prejudice, intolerance and hostility!

But you've heard this all before. I've made many similar statements throughout the history of this blog. The stupidity of society. The rotten entities behind-the-scenes pulling all the strings and breeding all the stupid. The divide and conquer tactics that have successfully kept everyone at each others throats for as long as anyone can remember. It goes without saying, and says without going.

So instead of going the obvious route and picking apart society and the evil intentions of the government, I've decided to solve the debt crisis within the confines of society's current foundation. Instead of dismantling how we think about the world or how the country operates, I'll attempt to solve the debt crisis in a way everyone can cling to their blissfully ignorant states of indifference and unnecessary luxuries. 

(Note: The figures I'm grabbing are not researched, so please bare with me and look at the bigger picture being presented in the article as opposed to exact figures or other trivial details.)


So according to some random site off the internet, the US is in $16,609,040,900,846 of debt.


Ok, so let's take those figures and deduct meaningless spent lumps of cash and see if we can even begin to make a dent. Let's pick something at random, anything will do...how about...15 highest salaries of athletes from 2011 and Top 10 salaries of athletes from 2012, add them all up and see how much of a difference that makes.


So just 15 athletes in the year 2011 made $361,150,000 - I can't even imagine how much money the entirety of the MLB and NBA franchises made together. Lets combine this lump sum with the top 10 paid athletes of 2012.....


So the top 10 athletes of 2012 made more than the top 15 athletes of 2011? Weird trend there. I'm sure if there was a statistically accurate site of all the salaries in every major sports franchise, we'd be presented with figures high enough to clothe, feed, and house every person in the planet 5 times over with $75 left over for a rim-job from a cheap prostitute. But for the sake of ridiculing the debt crisis, let's continue on with this rather lazy and very reaching method I've chosen to implement.

So 2011s 15 most paid athletes + 2012s Top 10 paid athletes equals: $904,250,000 Assuming there are no repeats in 2012, that's 25 people making over $904 million dollars for playing games. That's not even taking into account the hundreds of other athletes getting payed gratuitous sums of cash to play a game. Let's see how big a dent 25 people can take out of the debt....


Barely made a dent. Shit. Maybe I should just bail entirely, much like society itself should bail from the concept of money. But I'll trudge onward, if only to provide myself minor entertainment for another half hour.

So the top 10 most paid Hollywoods Stars of 2011 would be....


 And combine that with the collective net worth of the richest rappers of 2012....


And that's as far as I'm gonna go with this article. If Birdman legitimately has a net worth of $125 million, I simply do not need to further debunk the stupidity of our financial infrastructure. $1,505,000,000 collective net-worth of 4 worthless, talentless rappers? And Dr Dre?  Lets just deduct the sums of 2012's highest rapper net worth and the top 10 highest paid stars of Hollywood in 2011 and see if any impact has been made....


Fuck this shit. Solving the debt crisis looks like it would take WAY too much effort. And if Birdman is really worth over $150 million, I think it's safe to assume a monetary system is illogical and flawed. Some talentless crackhead can have a net worth $150 million, and innocent, regular people continue to starve and die on the street. P Diddy has $550 million, and yet social security will soon run out for my entire generation and probably even most of my parents generation as well. The system needs a reboot. 

Saturday, February 23, 2013

10 Ways AMC's The Walking Dead Messed Up (Zombies Part 8)

As I re-watch the Walking Dead on Netflix, I'm discovering a number of mistakes the show has made. Although I am a huge fan of the show and think it is quite consistent, especially when watching the episodes back-to-back, I thought I should still make a list of the most blatant offenses the show has made.
  
1. Amy should have bitten Andrea.
  
  
 
Ok, cue the badass music. /\

If you're a reader of the comic books, it's safe to assume you're a fan of Andrea. She quickly turns into one of the most bad-ass characters in the story, becoming an expert sharp-shooter in the wake of her sisters death. Andrea in the comic literally saves the entire group on numerous occasions with these sniper skills. In the comic, you get the impression Andrea is just a young, good-hearted woman fresh out of college thrown into the horrible situation of a zombie apocalypse/dead sister/creepy relationship with someone old enough to be her grandfather.
  

How all that from the comic translated into "The smuggest, cuntiest bitch in TV history" on the TV show is beyond me. Think about it - do you remember how they introduced Andrea in the show?
  
 
That's right; in the second episode of the show, Andrea is introduced by immediately pulling a gun on the main protagonist of the show, with the safety on no less, while spewing a bench of exaggerated, drama-queen bullshit. Way to have compassion in the zombie apocalypse, you ragging bitch. I'm sure it was Ricks intention to lead the zombies right to your group he had absolutely no awareness of whatsoever. He didn't just wake up from a coma and head to the city to find his family, or anything. Stupid bitch.
  
And that's how the character stays for the rest of the season....and the season after that....and the third season, too....she's always such a stupid fucking bitch. There is no uphill character progression with her, whatsoever - the character remains the biggest buzz-kill on the show for the duration of the series, getting progressively more annoying as the show goes on. Andrea is an even bigger buzz-kill than 15 Shane's, 20 Merle's or a thousand walkers.
 
I think everyone was so busy complaining about Lori they didn't notice how horrible Andrea is. In fact, I'd even go as far as to say that just a fraction of Andreas cuntiness completely eclipsed everything annoying Lori ever did - her complete disregard of her son, the fact she banged her husbands best friend, her irrational joyride into town in Season 2 that resulted in a totaled car, her giving birth to Shane's child and then immediately dying, leaving the responsibility to the rest of the group. Lori was a conflicted character and made some rash decisions, but I could never agree with peoples hatred of her. (Which is why I find it so funny she is trolling the viewers from beyond the grave, literally haunting Rick and the fans of the show by appearing in his hallucinations after dying.) Incidentally, Loris three best moments on the show were when she put cunty Andrea in her place. I'd say Lori is as cool as Daryl compared to Andrea.

So the first big blunder I noticed with the Walking Dead was the casting / portrayal of Andrea. From the very first scene she was unlikable. And I think Amy should have ripped ripped a chunk out of her throat in Episode 4, saving us all the painful task of sitting through her exaggerated facial expressions and head swiveling sassiness.
 
Remember the whole boat scene with her and her sister while they were fishing? That was fucking annoying. It's the only part I've fast-forwarded through since re-watching the series. "Remember what dad said, no crying in the boat." Oh, shut the fuck up Botox Barbie, you're a terrible actress and ruining one of the best characters from the comic with your exaggerated portrayal. You're like...20 years too old for the role.
 
  
Then they get back from fishing carrying a bunch of fish like hot shit. "Don't thank us, thank Dale. They were HIS fishing roads. Dale, when's the last time you cleaned those things? They were awful!" (Exaggerated, condescending head swivel.) 
 
I literally shudder thinking about her terrible, terrible acting. This actress even looks like a girl I used to have a major boner for that rejected me and turned out to be a real bitch. So on top of the layers of hatred I have for Andrea....layer one of said hatred being her terrible acting, layer two being botox, layer three being for ruining the character from the comics, layers four through eighteen being more botox....now she reminds me of some bitch that ripped out my heart...and put it through a bloody blender. But back to Andrea...
 
Later, after catching all the fish for the group and deflecting a compliment by insulting Dale like the smug cock-sucker she is, Andrea has to deal with her (much more attractive) sisters untimely and tragic death. And how does the actress portray this?

 Well the video was removed from Youtube. But you all know the scene I'm referring to. The one where Andrea is all like...

"Oh...oh...oh....oh....oh....oh....oh...oh....oh...oh..."
 
C'mon, really? No one else thinks this lady can't act for shit? That's literally painful to watch - and not in a "Oh man, I feel so bad for her bro" kind of way, either. It's just fake, and doesn't feel authentic in the slightest.
 
So then Andrea decides to creepily hover over her sisters dead body, as if spending 5 hours looking deep into the wound on her dead sisters neck is
a reasonable way to come to terms with her death. When people attempt to come console her, she either ignores them completely or draws a gun on Rick AGAIN for no reason other than to be an over-dramatic bitch.
 
  
Damn, Rick. Maybe Merle isn't the person you should have chained to that pipe on the roof...
 
In cuntclusion, this is why I think the first major mistake of "AMC's The Walking Dead" was not having Amy bite Andrea. Or Rick tie her to the pipe on the roof instead of Merle, whatever. Let's move on to #2.
  
 2. When Dr. Jenner offered the group the choice of suicide, Andrea should have stayed instead of Jacqui.
  
The first token black girl of the series had a name....and I had to look it up to verify it was, in fact, Jacqui. But when she commit suicide with Dr Jenner in the season finale of the Walking Dead's first season, Andrea should have been there with her. Hell, the actress portraying Jacqui showed more charisma and acting chops in 5 seconds than Laurie Holden has shown the entire series.
 
Merle has a gun pointed at the group on a roof and says he's now in charge, and asks who else agrees. "Show of hands, who agrees? Show of hands." Without missing a beat, Jacqui raises her middle finger. That single act was more endearing than everything Andrea has done on the show combined.
 
   
 If they wanted a strong, sassy character they might as well have kept Jacqui instead of Andrea, then killed her off when Michonne appeared to appease the behind-the-scenes "Racist Ratio Gods." On to #3!
 
3. In the Season 2 premiere when the group is trapped under cars on the lonely, deserted stretch of highway..... Andrea should have died.
 
Remember in the Season 2 premiere when the herd had the group pinned down? Andrea was in the RV learning how to assemble the handgun, then she notices a herd and high-tails it into the bathroom. (This was, of course, only after acting like a total bitch on her period again earlier in the episode, guilt-tripping Dale for saving her life like the smug, cunty drama queen she has been since her first appearance on the show. Way to start the season strong, Andrea.) She catches a Walkers attention, but somehow manages to play it cool and the thing leaves. But then she drops the clip of the gun and catches its attention a second time.

Dale, who was likely fapping as he watched her in the bathroom, saves her life AGAIN, tossing her a screwdriver through a window on the roof of the RV. But that doesn't stop Andrea from shooting Dale the stink-eye as if him saving her life is such a burden to shoulder. How about some gratitude you bitch?
 

Frankly, I don't think knocking the screen out of the window was worth saving Andreas life. Now you gotta deal with mosquitoes AND this constantly nagging cunt? The one you aren't even banging? Poor decision, Dale. So somehow Mandrea manages to dispose of her would-be murderer....


....but she can't even do this like a normal character, she has to freak out and start blubbering like a fucking jackass. Every other character seems to be able to kill zombies without acting like a fucking irrational drama-queen, Andrea, so shut the fuck up before you attract more zombies with your unnecessary post-kill guttural Xena war cries. Better yet, continue blubbering like the fat girl without a prom date and let the herd eat your ass and save the viewers the awkwardness of sitting through any more of your horribly contrived acting.
 
4. In the second episode of Season 2, Maggie should not have saved Andrea from the zombie.
 
Once again, Andreas acting like a stupid shrew as the group is walking through the woods. She keeps giving Lori the stink-eye because Lori gets to have a gun, but seems to forget that LORI DIDN'T RECENTLY TRY TO KILL HERSELF. So Lori snaps and puts everyone in their place (besides Daryl, who looks on in stoic indifference), then hands Andrea the gun and tells them all how they're being ungrateful pricks. Andrea realizes she is being an ungrateful prick, and surprisingly gives Lori her gun back. 

Then she starts to wander apart from the group, because clearly someone so vehemently disputatious - due to the fact she's not allowed to carry a gun - will then immediately let their guard down in the woods of a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
 
 
Just look at that face. You can't tell me that 'acting' doesn't annoy you. Anyway, so Maggie rides up on a horse and saves Mandrea by smashing in the attacking zombies face....


...which is pretty strange considering later in the show they completely ignore this tidbit, with Maggie acting disgusted when they shoot the well boomer after it's ripped in half...
 
  
....and then the group returns to the RV to tell Dale what happened. When Dale shows concern and asks Andrea what happened, she just looks at him and shakes her head in disgust, as if its HIS fault the dead have risen, as if he HASN'T saved her and her sisters life on numerous occasions. Little Miss Trigger Finger always seems to forget firing a gun attracts more zombies. But she simply does not care and is blinded by her own selfishness.
 
So not only was Maggie smashing a zombie in the face with a blunt object a major plot hole and inconsistent with her character as portrayed throughout the rest of the season, it also was a miscalculation on the writers part because it allowed Andrea the chance to walk away from yet another near death experience she shouldn't have survived.
 
5. Daryl should have killed Andrea for shooting him in the head.

Daryl is the best character on the show. Andrea is the worst character on the show. So the worst character of the show shoots the best character on the show in the head. In doing this, she ignores EVERYONE ELSE nearby telling her not to shoot, considering gun shots DO attract zombies. There's 4 people running out to melee the zombie, ya know, maybe to make sure it's not an injured survivor, or the best character on the show or something. But she disregards 5 separate peoples orders - perfectly logical orders in place so as to not waste ammunition and avoid attracting more zombies, mind you - and she fires a round off anyway. She puts the entire group in danger just so she can satisfy some strange bloodlust she's developed after losing Amy.
 
  
How about you go wash some dishes, or maybe drain the botox from your face instead of firing a round at something 4 people are literally sprinting at to investigate? Daryl should have killed Andrea for her stupidity. Why she feels the need to constantly swing her figurative dick is beyond me. Andrea should probably try to be a more understanding person in the apocalypse, not regress into the worst possible caricature of a 'strong, independent feminist.' Maybe all she needed was her vibrator to act like a decent human being.

Ed had every right to call her an uppity bitch, and I would have loved to see him beat her down and put her in her place. Put the boots to her to shut her the fuck up. I don't advocate unnecessary violence or spousal abuse, but Andrea deserved a nice backhand from Ed, maybe that would have knocked some cuntiness off her and she could actually become a likable character on the show. Carol, on the other hand, did not deserve being treated like shit. Carol was a saint.
 
6. Shane should have left the group..........and took Andrea with him.
 
Shane was a good character. He was conflicted, just like Lori; unlikable in many ways, endearing in others. It was fucked up when he killed Otis, or had Rick in his cross-hairs, or when he brought up Amy to Andrea during target practice to rile her up. On second thought, that was actually kind of funny.

When Andrea told Shane they should leave, I think it was a good idea. Any way to get that bitch off the show, whether in a body bag, zombified, or just disappearing in the night kind of like the Mexican family no one remembers from Season 1. 

Anyone else notice how manly Mandrea's hands looked when she grabbed Shane's crotch? Dear lord.

  

 
Gross.
 
7. When Beth attempted to commit suicide, Andrea was completely out of line encouraging her.

 
I wish Maggie sucker punched Andrea for leaving Beth in her room alone. Beth, the second hottest female on the show, is spiraling into a depression....and Andrea for some reason feels Beth needs to "Make her own choice." So she tricks Maggie into leaving Beth unattended, and instead of giving the poor confused girl encouragement she all but puts a gun in her fucking hand. Then she smugly saunters off, leaving the girl alone to her own devices, as if it's completely rational to leave the suicidal, confused 17 year old daughter of the man letting you stay on his farm unattended. It's not in the slightest disrespectful to the family giving you refuge to egg on the suicidal daughter. Not at all.

What a selfish cunt. Andrea is merely trying to justify her own irrational behavior back at the CDC through Beth, as if defending Beth's right to choose if she wants to commit suicide or not somehow validates her own cowardly decision to 'opt-out' in Season 1. What a generous display of gratitude to the man housing and feeding you - encouraging his suicidal daughter, suggesting she has every right to kill herself at the expense of the mental well being of all the rest of the survivors. Such a stupid bitch, seriously. She's written AND acted like a bitch, there is no redeeming qualities to her character.
 
8. In the Season 2 finale, Andrea should have died.
 
I was so happy when they left Andrea behind in the season finale. She was trudging through the woods, visibly exhausted. Then, in steps Michonne. FUCK! We were so close to being rid of this plastic looking goon entirely. Which brings us to number 9.....
 
9. Michonne should have left Andrea behind.

Michonne should have just let Andrea die of her fever. Think about it - everything between Woodbury and the prison that happened afterwards is Andreas fault. She even trusts the Governor, for some reason, over the woman who saved her life and took care of her all winter. She even starts banging the guy.....

 
....and continues to bang him after seeing a wall of fish tanks with zombie heads in them. Andrea seems to get moist at any signs of crazy. First she's smashing Shane, then she moves on to the Governor. I half-expected her to spread her legs for Merle when the two flirted in the garden. I wish she did - she could have caught his clap and passed it on to the Governor. Governor Gonorrhea...kind of has a humorous ring to it, doesn't it? But let's move past Andrea, or we'll be here all day.
 
10. They should have kept the deleted content in the Season 2 premiere.
 
If you haven't seen the 13 minute deleted scene from the Season 2 premiere, it's a must-watch. It literally sets up the whole Randall / Nebraska story-line: the group of survivors return to the Vatos turf to seek refuge, but find them all dead. Daryl makes the observation that zombies didn't cause the fall of the nursing home....they had been murdered by survivors, and their supplies had all been looted. This seems like a hint to what lies ahead in the season - conflict with another group of survivors. THANK GOD someone in the group is observant.
 
  

For the sake of time, skip to 6 minutes and 10 seconds in to see the reveal. "Get a dictionary. Look it up. OBSERVANT." Brilliant serving!

 CUNTCLUSION

Andrea is the worst part about the show, far and away. She is a generic, cookie-cutter, "Smarmy bitch" character with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. She has the exaggerated head swivels, the cheap sassy attitude, she constantly over acts, over-emotes both with her voice infliction and body language, does those annoying pauses in conversations, like she's thinking about what to say next, then shoots an over-acted look at the person she's talking to...it comes across as really fake and forced. Her personality is just way too condescending and abrasive in the show. And she also has that constant, self-satisfied, smug look on her face, with those grand canyon ass-crack dimples making her look like the Joker or some shit, which just kind of multiplies all the other poor qualities of the TV version of Andrea.

Not saying the actress isn't good in other roles - I thought she was decent in Silent Hill - but she really botched this role, becoming the most unlikable character in the series. Seriously, I think the Governor and Merle are far more likable than Andrea.
 
Andrea in the comics was much more "girl-next-door" and friendly. She got bitchy when she HAD TO, like when she was getting into arguments with Allen about his mental condition after losing his wife, but she was still very likable at all times. She was also much younger. Why the fuck is she in her late 30's / early 40's in the show? Wasn't she in college in the comic? I don't think the show needs anymore raging cunts dealing with menopause. Especially raging cunts dealing with menopause who have faces that look like a cheap plastic mask stretched awkwardly across a skull. Nice cheek implants, Andrea. It really helps your shitty acting.
 
The worst Andrea moment in the comics I can remember is when she's doing that annoying, drawn-out speech about making clothes for the people when they first reach the prison. I cringed reading it. If you took that speech, added some smarmy bitchiness and over-acting, multiplied by annoying conversational pauses where she briefly looks away from the person she's talking to and turns back to look at them mid-sentence with an exaggerated head swivel, double it, and then melted it all together with over-acting and man-hands, you'd get the Andrea in the show. 
 
Thus cuntcludes my look at the mistakes and pitfalls of the Walking Dead.

UPDATE:  

So I've posted this article at a number of forums. This is a GIF depiction of the reactions I am receiving on the forums. (I am the giant black lady.)
 
  
I had intended to argue with people and get them to lash out angrily, respond to this in an exaggerated fashion, then delete all of my posts so it looks like they're arguing with themselves. But I got too lazy.

Seems like people either agree with me 100%, or they think I'm an asshole who uses the word "Cunt" too much and don't appreciate my sense of humor. There is no in-between - people either love the article (and hate Andrea) or hate the article (and love Andrea).