Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving Sucks

Thanksgiving food needs an upgrade, it's all so bland. Where is the bacon, the lobster, the venison? Seems like the only thing we don't give thanks to on thanksgiving is our taste buds.

 Tradition isn't a good enough reason to subject ourselves to this bland meal every year. Fuck tradition, the historical significance of this holiday is completely unjustified. Why eat the same boring food every year to celebrate horrible events in history? It's on the same level as making September 11th a holiday. The pilgrims breaking bread with Native Americans was basically them saying "We'll trade you these smallpox for all this land."
 We shouldn't need diluted, warped historical relevance to be thankful in our day to day life. And there are very few cultural traditions as warped and diluted as the American tradition of Thanksgiving. Horrible food and tragic history.
Plus, most of the things people are publicly thankful for are things they can brag about. Seriously, go on Facebook and read some of the things people are thankful for. It's not as bad as when people reminisce at New Years on their past year and give you a bullet list of all their mediocre accomplishments that year, but it can be pretty bad.

It's very rare to see people publicly address the things they are truly, deeply thankful for. "I'm thankful my herpes sores weren't visible when I finally got to smash Stacey's slit, and I'm thankful my boss got into a car accident because that guy's a dickhead. I'll be even more thankful if he's paralyzed for life." Most people go with the same old boring crap. "I'm thankful for my family and friends."

No shit, I'm pretty sure most people are thankful for their family and friends. Are you that boring as a person you have nothing intriguing to be thankful for? Being thankful for family and friends is a GIVEN, and if that's all you can think of you must be as bland as the Thanksgiving food itself.

A hippie friend of mine was saying she celebrates alternative Thanksgiving every year; last year they had a pig roast, this year they had 40 lbs of lamb. See, that's what I'm fucking talking about. No need to adhere to the recipes and traditions of murderous dickheads who rocked goofy apparel. Thanksgiving should definitely be a free-for-all with food like roasted pigs and 40 lb lambs, that sounds dank. MIX IT UP. Don't blindly adhere to the traditions laid in place by murderous land thieves; lay your own traditions in place, stand on your own two feet, rely on your own taste buds.

And it shouldn't even be in November anymore, just put Thanksgiving on a random date with no historical 17th. That way, everyone has Thanksgiving leftovers (and not Turkey and squash, I'm talking leftovers of ostrich slim jims and popcorn alligator chunks) for April 20th.

Another friend mentioned it's about the quantity of the food instead of the quality.
That is true, there is a high quantity of food at each Thanksgiving, but I can get quantity food at a Chinese buffet on any normal day, and I can do it without all the forced sentimentality. Doesn't mean I'm gonna make a yearly tradition out of the China buffet, ya know? And at least the Chinee food has a diverse range of tastes; beef teriyaki, crab rangoons, and general tso's chicken all taste very different, yet still complimentary. Thanksgiving food all sort of blends together.

You might as well get an industrial strength blender, stuff in some squash, carrots, potatos, stuffing, and turkey, maybe some pumpkin for good measure, and make a Thanksgiving paste, because all that shit tastes the same - boring.

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