Monday, November 11, 2013

Realm of the Rave (Part 3)

December 17th, 2012
(3:17 PM)
The journey thus far has proven quite treacherous. Whilst scaling the peaks of the DNB Mountain today, we encountered all the foes of legend. Seriously. EVERY FUCKING CREATURE the sullen denizens of the Psytrance Tavern warned us about attacked us. Not even far in the journey either, I'm talking within the first fucking hour. One of the Liquid Funk Yetis even raped Gary. Gary killed the LFY with a cleverly placed bass grenade. He then impaled himself on the headstock of his instrument to ease his suffering, as according to the Psychedelic Monk code.
But rape-hungry Liquid Funk Yetti's weren't the only danger on the DNB mountain. The incessant, crisp breakbeats echoing throughout the valley, cracked ice fixtures, causing avalanches every 10 minutes. During one such avalanche a Jump Up Wolf Pack attacked, so like some sort of stereotypical black metal music video we fought off the wolves with our instruments as tidal waves of snow raced towards us. Feeling obligated to feed the stereotype even further,I was playing buzzsaw death metal riffs and our drummer Leopold was killing it with blast beats.
But these accomplishments were nothing but figurative flesh wounds on EDMs broadside, compared to the mortal injury we discovered at the top of the DNB peaks. As we reached the damned precipice of the highest mountain in the range, what we discovered shocked us.

A Macbook stood before us, it's screen lit up with multiple instances of a pirated version of Fruity Loops on screen. Some were speedily dragging LEVELS samples into a DAW. Others were hastily exporting this mindless garbage. The scariest aspect of this....there was no "producer" to be seen. The computer was doing this completely on it's own accord, as if programmed to produce substance-less EDM.


"So glad you could join us," an effeminate voice remarked from the mist just behind the frenzied Macbook. "Impressive work, gentlemen. None but the Psychedelic Monks could make it this far."
 Out stepped the unlikely, but now completely obvious antagonist. It was Nicky Xplosion in all of his untalented glory. And like most stereotypical villains, he proceeded to spell out his entire plan and describe his motivation in detail.
"Ever since I was a child I knew I was different. As long as I remember, this horrible music sampled itself into my brain, guy. And the only way I found I can get the screaming voice of Etta James singing 'Sometimes I get a good feeling' out  of my head was to sample it into music. See, when my mother gave birth to me she was actually dealing with a PLURpes outbreak. She didn't just have DNB, she had full blown Happy Hardcore. Are you impressed by the self-aware EDM that has manifested itself into this Macbook? I call it the Xploit network" 
Our extensive research at ITT Technical Institute was indeed correct. Nicky Xplosion would unwittingly ejaculate his tiny dick into the USB port of a Macbook while listening to Girl Talk and Skrillex mashups. It would then burn the circuity of the Macbook, setting into motion a dangerous computer virus. But only a day later when he started sacrificing MP3's via Vocoders, would the computer malfunction, getting a blue screen of death. Upon restarting the device....EDM would become self-aware. (Nicky Xplosion however, would not.)
And here we were. At the peak of DNB Mountain. The precise antithesis of the Oath of the Order of the Psychedelic Monks was standing before us, gloating about the exploitation and plagiarizing of artwork, jacking his ego off like a homeless person in the park on bath salts, lacking even the slightest sliver of self-awareness. 
Visions of the Post-EDMpocalyptic wasteland rushed to my brain. Imagine 2029 AD if you will... 


  1. HAHA The part of the computer death was accurate 0_o

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Part 4
    part 4!

  4. Your anti trolling mechanism is quite effective...

  5. I'm using Kaspersky protection for a few years, and I would recommend this solution to you all.


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