Monday, October 7, 2013

Realm of the Rave (part 2)

December 17th, 2012
(4:20 AM)

Higher and higher through the craggy peaks of the DNB mountain we climb. Through the perilous winds and unrelenting snow and ice rain we press valiantly onward. We are morose in nature; only the bravest of the Psychedelic Monk Order have dared journey this far into the Realm of the Rave. Only monks of the utmost skill, strongest will, and sharpest wit return from this damned place. And should you return, you run the risk of being cursed with Raver Scabies or PLURpes, and an assortment of additional Intellectually Transmitted Diseases that rot your brain and very soul to the point of enjoying Girl Talk.
But onward we press, for the good of the order, for the good of music, for the good of this wretched world. Our traversing of the DNB peaks is a labored climb, for the burden of the musical instruments upon our backs, though a necessary strain to avoid certain death from the monotonous music that rapes our senses from every angle, prove admittedly heavy after miles of walking and mental duress.
The Jungle Jungle peeks ominously through the clouds and mist below, tree canopy's snarled and branches twisted with raver candy, tacky and offensive to the eye.
At the foot of the mountain lies the corpses of several dozen slain animals, once the cheerfully E-tarded members of the Jungle Jungles Eco-system. These rapacious beasts had attempted to penetrate the sacred circle of our meditative aura-cleansing jam session with bared teeth and malicious intentions. Thus, we were forced to swiftly murder these hapless creatures, and though their ultimate goal was to rip our throats out in a molly induced rage, I couldn't help feel pity for them.

Imagine....year after torturous year of the same beat, the same tempo, with absolutely no appreciation for music beyond a kick drum to move to and sub-bass to groove to. In a way, I feel we ended their pain and suffering. We offered them sanctuary from the misery of insufferable musical killing them.

This was not our first mercy killing during this quest - far from it. Why, only a week prior we had burned down the Happy Hardcore Hospitals, and the day before that laid waste to the Italo Disco Orphanages. Oh no, this was not the first time we used fatal means to secure our passage - and it shan't be the last, I fear.

The journey ahead of us is lengthy indeed, and full of danger. Tales of old passed generation to generation...the local folklore...even the sullen denizens of the Psytrance Valley Tavern...all warned of ill-reputed creatures that lurked the mountain paths ahead. They spoke in hushed whispers of the Drum Step Black Bear, a dastardly creature looking to fill the gaping holes in its ecstasy rotted brain with the flesh of its horribly disfigured and deceased victims. The Jump Up Wolf Pack run amok on these damned slopes, thousand strong, hungrily stalking their prey with a dehydrated stagger. And last but certainly not least of all, the Darkstep Yetis, who's Liquid Funk vomit melts human flesh like cheese on a bagel.

But onward we press despite these perils, for the trials the Psychedelic Monk Order face will only strengthen our resolve, on a damned quest to exterminate the EDM over-saturation before it engulfs entire generations in its tidal wave of unwarranted popularity and unrivaled musical laziness.

I mean seriously, should not the player of instruments receive a greater bounty than that of the peasant DJ, merely pushing buttons and sliding levers? Should not the banger of drums, shredder of guitar, tickler of ivories and slapper of bass receive a higher wage than that of the pushers of buttons, the twisters of knobs and the pumper of fists? Should the worth of a group of people with the intuitive grasp and understanding of music theory necessitated to make music as a unit NOT trump the worth of a simple musical mime? How are 4 musicians capturing live jams paid less than the human MP3 player mashing up other peoples works? Should not 4 people be payed 4 times as much as one person?

And therein lies the enemy.....artificial music. On December 21st, 2012 it is said a great cataclysmic event will occur. And that event, I fear, is the EDMpocalypse. EDM, the very genre of music itself, will manifest all the worst elements of its essence into being with full self-awareness. Hundreds of thousands of super computers built by this self-aware EDM monoliath will churn out millions of remashes, bootlegs, remixes, party mixes, extended party bootleg mixes, and all manner of trash musical rehash, ultimately ending the world in an apocalyptic flurry of blinding noise pollution, raping every nook, cranny, and crevice of the earth and the pores and souls of all its inhabitants.

But that EDMpocalypse doesn't have to happen....not if the Order of Psychedelic Monks have anything to say about it. Not if we are able to succeed in our quest and fulfill our destiny...


  1. That is unless NickyXplosion can save us all!
    You got quite the imagination I could only dream of a world like this!

    1. NickyXplosion is literally the antagonist of the series


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.