Thursday, September 19, 2013

Stop Using These

Here are some corny internet phrases that, for some reason, people perpetuate the continued existence of. Not only are these phrases used, they are actually quite popular, and thus, even more irritating.

"...said no one ever."
We get it, you're being sarcastic. You said something you personally felt was ludicrous. But because you're a pathetic, unoriginal piece of shit, you weren't even confident enough in your own delivery or wording to feel you captured the sarcasm through your exaggerated tone of voice. So you then decide to anchor your statement with a "...said no one ever" after a delightfully cheeky pause like a pompous dickhead.

 This makes the term "said no one ever" a statement of contradiction, in that you yourself just said it. So you're technically calling yourself a no one in using that snarky 'punchline.' It is also hypocritical when one attempts to be condescending using those four words. Think about it - if this person cannot properly express sarcasm through the tone of their voice confidently, how can they successfully condescend to others?

EXAMPLE: "Nickelback makes my scrotal tissue tingle with fevered anticipation....said no one ever!"

"___________ they said. ____________ they said."
Usually this statement is used in conjunction with an equally unfunny photograph. One of the two statements is usually "It will be fun, they said." This variant particularly suffers from overuse.

Who is "they?" And what makes "they" the all-knowing purveyors of horrible situations? "They" must be sick, twisted pieces of shit, because not only are "they" telling people to do all manners of dangerous activities under the false pretense of fun, but "they" are also popularizing this unfunny trend of splitting a sentence in two and throwing "they said" at the end of each half of said split sentence.

 "That awkward moment when...."
 This one is so popular, all you need to type in google is "that a-" and your first suggested result will be "that awkward moment when." How about "that awkward moment" when you realize you're an unoriginal asshole who repeatedly overuses catch phrases that never had any comedic value to begin with?
The problem I have with all these phrases is the fact that they are not only entirely bereft of comedy, but their incessant overuse makes them all the more irritating and all the less humorous. Look at these fucking memes. LOOK AT THEM.

 Who are the people that find that shit funny? I realize my particular taste in crass, insensitive, abrasive comedy isn't popular, and that's fine. But why is the corniest cultural garbage floating to the top of the societal septic tank? I don't get it. I can't think of a single context in which "THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN" would actually be funny. It only works as anti-humor.
Maybe you wouldn't be forced into so many uncomfortable scenarios if you stopped using other peoples jokes and ideas as a crutch for your lack of creativity. And maybe...just wouldn't be faced with this multitude of embarrassing situations if you expanded your fucking vocabulary enough to be able to have substitutable phrases to describe "awkward moments," instead of constantly beating off the dead horse.
"Fucktard." What a truly crippled insult "fucktard" is. If the person who first uttered "fucktard" still draws breath, they should immediately douse themselves in gasoline, slit their wrists, hang themselves, and while they're dangling by their adams apple muster the strength to light a match and set themselves on fire.

Something about the word "fucktard" has always bothered me. It makes me cringe and furrow my brow in an exaggerated, subconsciously calculated fashion. How is throwing "Fucking" and "Retard" together a competent insult? If someone utters "Fucktard" in the course of an argument they almost always invalidate themselves.

"Fucktard" reeks of desperation. It's a scapegoat insult. And the internet is full of scapegoat insults. Think about what makes up the world wide web - it's got an abundance of porn. It's got a surplus of easily downloadable entertainment. And it has an excess of arguing. Usually at least one of the combatants in said argument are leaning on generic internet debate tactics (hackneyed insults) due to their lack of wit. Usually this is used by losing parties in the argument. "Fucktard" is one of those insults. The people who laugh at "Fucktard" are the same jackasses who laugh at "ecards" and whack off to furniture porn.

"SMH" / "SMDH"
You're shaking your head, you say? Good for you, asshole. I hope you shake it right into a fucking wood chipper, Fargo style. Better yet, why not shake your head and entire body into a fucking library, pick yourself up a thesaurus and try to expand your meager vocabulary beyond juvenile internet acronyms?

Much like "said no one ever," this is an undeservedly smug way of dismissing someones opinion or thoughts without validating your opposition to said opinion in any way whatsoever. If you're gonna be a dismissive asshole, at least attempt to back up what you say with personal thoughts. Using generic internet catchphrases, buzzwords, and snobby acronyms is not the proper way to go about being a dickhead, dickhead.
"Look at all the fucks I give"
When the term 'fuck' is pluralized and used to describe indifference, it immediately sounds immature and, again, undeservedly smug. But when someone is spouting "Look at all the fucks I give" really rustles the jimmies.

Rustled jimmies, on the other hand, is a rare internet term that mysteriously works quite well. It's humorous, it's almost self-deprecating in its application, it alleviates tension while also leaving the door open to exasperate things exponentially. The stoic gorilla companion photo, usually floating majestically in space, transcendent and all-powerful, oftentimes accompanied by a council of regal animals, and on rare occasion a flying's all hilarious in its absurdity. "Look at all the fucks I give" is comparatively bland, sour, unimaginative and sterile. "Look at all the fucks I give" rustles my jimmies.


"ish" (instead of shit)
 Just say the word shit. Why would you say "ish" instead of shit? What purpose does that serve? It's just as cowardly as saying "FRACKING" instead of fucking, or "N Word" instead of nigger. Say what you mean, pussy. If you're going to allude to cursing without saying the fucking word, why not use a synonymous and comparatively elementary term?

Instead of ish, say crap.
Instead of fracking, say freakin'.
Instead of "N word," say negro.

"Ish" harkens back to music censorship. Instead of adding intrusive beeps into music, they'd simply reverse the curse word in the vocal track so it could maintain its flow. But that's an unnecessary precaution. Foul language is nothing to be offended by, nothing to be afraid of.

Censorship is for weak minded chumps. How are you going to stifle someones artistic voice because it personally offends you? Unless they're publicly massacring orphans with chainsaws soaked in Tabasco sauce, or unless they're directing their artistic voice at you personally in a slanderous and unbecoming tone, don't get all personally butthurt if something has a few curse words in it.

On the flip side of the coin, if you want to say mainstream music offends you because it completely lacks any sort of artistic voice at all, then have at it. Be offended by the merits (or lack of merit) of the art, not by the execution of said art. If something is a soulless cash-grab, a piece of generic shit thrown together as quickly and haphazardly as possible just to gouge the public of more of their money....if the main goal of something is MASS CONSUMPTION vs. artistic expression.....THAT is what we should all be offended by. THAT is the shit we should be censoring and banning from television. But instead we bask in the sterile mediocrity and shun the progressive insanity.

And look at all the fucktards I give....ish.....shaking my fracking head. That awkward moment - said no one ever. They said.


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