Thursday, September 19, 2013

Stop Using These

Here are some corny internet phrases that, for some reason, people perpetuate the continued existence of. Not only are these phrases used, they are actually quite popular, and thus, even more irritating.

"...said no one ever."
We get it, you're being sarcastic. You said something you personally felt was ludicrous. But because you're a pathetic, unoriginal piece of shit, you weren't even confident enough in your own delivery or wording to feel you captured the sarcasm through your exaggerated tone of voice. So you then decide to anchor your statement with a "...said no one ever" after a delightfully cheeky pause like a pompous dickhead.

 This makes the term "said no one ever" a statement of contradiction, in that you yourself just said it. So you're technically calling yourself a no one in using that snarky 'punchline.' It is also hypocritical when one attempts to be condescending using those four words. Think about it - if this person cannot properly express sarcasm through the tone of their voice confidently, how can they successfully condescend to others?

EXAMPLE: "Nickelback makes my scrotal tissue tingle with fevered anticipation....said no one ever!"

"___________ they said. ____________ they said."
Usually this statement is used in conjunction with an equally unfunny photograph. One of the two statements is usually "It will be fun, they said." This variant particularly suffers from overuse.

Who is "they?" And what makes "they" the all-knowing purveyors of horrible situations? "They" must be sick, twisted pieces of shit, because not only are "they" telling people to do all manners of dangerous activities under the false pretense of fun, but "they" are also popularizing this unfunny trend of splitting a sentence in two and throwing "they said" at the end of each half of said split sentence.

 "That awkward moment when...."
 This one is so popular, all you need to type in google is "that a-" and your first suggested result will be "that awkward moment when." How about "that awkward moment" when you realize you're an unoriginal asshole who repeatedly overuses catch phrases that never had any comedic value to begin with?
The problem I have with all these phrases is the fact that they are not only entirely bereft of comedy, but their incessant overuse makes them all the more irritating and all the less humorous. Look at these fucking memes. LOOK AT THEM.

 Who are the people that find that shit funny? I realize my particular taste in crass, insensitive, abrasive comedy isn't popular, and that's fine. But why is the corniest cultural garbage floating to the top of the societal septic tank? I don't get it. I can't think of a single context in which "THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN" would actually be funny. It only works as anti-humor.
Maybe you wouldn't be forced into so many uncomfortable scenarios if you stopped using other peoples jokes and ideas as a crutch for your lack of creativity. And maybe...just wouldn't be faced with this multitude of embarrassing situations if you expanded your fucking vocabulary enough to be able to have substitutable phrases to describe "awkward moments," instead of constantly beating off the dead horse.
"Fucktard." What a truly crippled insult "fucktard" is. If the person who first uttered "fucktard" still draws breath, they should immediately douse themselves in gasoline, slit their wrists, hang themselves, and while they're dangling by their adams apple muster the strength to light a match and set themselves on fire.

Something about the word "fucktard" has always bothered me. It makes me cringe and furrow my brow in an exaggerated, subconsciously calculated fashion. How is throwing "Fucking" and "Retard" together a competent insult? If someone utters "Fucktard" in the course of an argument they almost always invalidate themselves.

"Fucktard" reeks of desperation. It's a scapegoat insult. And the internet is full of scapegoat insults. Think about what makes up the world wide web - it's got an abundance of porn. It's got a surplus of easily downloadable entertainment. And it has an excess of arguing. Usually at least one of the combatants in said argument are leaning on generic internet debate tactics (hackneyed insults) due to their lack of wit. Usually this is used by losing parties in the argument. "Fucktard" is one of those insults. The people who laugh at "Fucktard" are the same jackasses who laugh at "ecards" and whack off to furniture porn.

"SMH" / "SMDH"
You're shaking your head, you say? Good for you, asshole. I hope you shake it right into a fucking wood chipper, Fargo style. Better yet, why not shake your head and entire body into a fucking library, pick yourself up a thesaurus and try to expand your meager vocabulary beyond juvenile internet acronyms?

Much like "said no one ever," this is an undeservedly smug way of dismissing someones opinion or thoughts without validating your opposition to said opinion in any way whatsoever. If you're gonna be a dismissive asshole, at least attempt to back up what you say with personal thoughts. Using generic internet catchphrases, buzzwords, and snobby acronyms is not the proper way to go about being a dickhead, dickhead.
"Look at all the fucks I give"
When the term 'fuck' is pluralized and used to describe indifference, it immediately sounds immature and, again, undeservedly smug. But when someone is spouting "Look at all the fucks I give" really rustles the jimmies.

Rustled jimmies, on the other hand, is a rare internet term that mysteriously works quite well. It's humorous, it's almost self-deprecating in its application, it alleviates tension while also leaving the door open to exasperate things exponentially. The stoic gorilla companion photo, usually floating majestically in space, transcendent and all-powerful, oftentimes accompanied by a council of regal animals, and on rare occasion a flying's all hilarious in its absurdity. "Look at all the fucks I give" is comparatively bland, sour, unimaginative and sterile. "Look at all the fucks I give" rustles my jimmies.


"ish" (instead of shit)
 Just say the word shit. Why would you say "ish" instead of shit? What purpose does that serve? It's just as cowardly as saying "FRACKING" instead of fucking, or "N Word" instead of nigger. Say what you mean, pussy. If you're going to allude to cursing without saying the fucking word, why not use a synonymous and comparatively elementary term?

Instead of ish, say crap.
Instead of fracking, say freakin'.
Instead of "N word," say negro.

"Ish" harkens back to music censorship. Instead of adding intrusive beeps into music, they'd simply reverse the curse word in the vocal track so it could maintain its flow. But that's an unnecessary precaution. Foul language is nothing to be offended by, nothing to be afraid of.

Censorship is for weak minded chumps. How are you going to stifle someones artistic voice because it personally offends you? Unless they're publicly massacring orphans with chainsaws soaked in Tabasco sauce, or unless they're directing their artistic voice at you personally in a slanderous and unbecoming tone, don't get all personally butthurt if something has a few curse words in it.

On the flip side of the coin, if you want to say mainstream music offends you because it completely lacks any sort of artistic voice at all, then have at it. Be offended by the merits (or lack of merit) of the art, not by the execution of said art. If something is a soulless cash-grab, a piece of generic shit thrown together as quickly and haphazardly as possible just to gouge the public of more of their money....if the main goal of something is MASS CONSUMPTION vs. artistic expression.....THAT is what we should all be offended by. THAT is the shit we should be censoring and banning from television. But instead we bask in the sterile mediocrity and shun the progressive insanity.

And look at all the fucktards I give....ish.....shaking my fracking head. That awkward moment - said no one ever. They said.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Realm of the Rave (Part 1)

Time and again, I've returned the cross-hairs of my rant-scope to the realms of the rave. I've gone undercover, with little regard to my own safety and sanity, to get a closer look at the inhabitants of this dangerous, provocative realm. In December of 2012, I performed my final act of the year before the great apocalyptic cataclysm that occurred on the 21st. This hazardous act proved to be the single most successful insight into the PLUR Plague since the great MK APHEX CAPER of 1995.

It was a selfless act of calculated reconnaissance I will never forget.
With formidable tools of music production at my disposal, I strove to make the worst 'bootleg remix mash-up party mix' possible. In 3 pain-staking minutes of production time, (and 2 minutes of additional prep time, if you want to include pirating the tracks used in the mashup off youtube) I emerged with 5 minutes and 25 seconds of musical hell.
This piece of musical voodoo...this hellish, necromantic sonata....this bastardized was the epitome of musical failure and production laziness I could create in my meager time allocation of 3 minutes. With those 3 minutes of production time I was able to create a "Bootleg Mashup Remix Party Mix" that crossed the very boundaries of self-patronization enough times to camouflage itself upon reaching the ears of the denizens of the raver realms, a true act of musical ingenuity. The critics....they...RAVED.

Despite the success of my mission, what I and the scientists of Harvard University discovered upon dissecting the data gathered from my musical molestation of the ravers disturbed the lot of us. Several of the scientists commit suicide, one of which was pregnant. That's the depth of the insanity we discovered about PLUR.
Drugged out children, twisting and contorting to simplistic, robotic beats, half dehydrated and popping sweats all over the damn place. Males with flat brimmed caps and pockets full of roofies. Females with fuzzy boots, painted tits, and chlamydia. DJs that lazily press space bar and fist pump entire sets of music away, the hardest aspect of their job being to keep track of their cables. This....this was the

 December 16th, 2012
5:13 AM (EST)

My excavation troll team cuts through the dangling 1/4" cables with machetes, as we traverse the mystical Jungle Jungle. All manner of E-tarded wildlife inhabits the Jungle Jungle. I watch them wearily; though their eyes are glazed and pupils dilated, furry heads bobbing in unison to the constant throbbing timbre of Jungle music, they could come down from their MDMA fueled peaks at any moment.
And who's to say they are even rolling? All those crummy research know, the ones that are closer to bath salts than anything....those have been circulating hardcore, and everyone knows pressies tend to be cut with meth.

Rolling is for chumps. Why roll on the desolate streets below when you can take half a sheet and fly to the motherfucking cosmos?!

In any case, with the recent surge in popularity of research chemicals, it is best to maintain constant suspicion of all those around you, especially whilst in the Realm of the Rave. It is for this reason I keep my fret hand strong. Should the beasts attempt to attack, I will merely rage progressive funk riffs, rendering them in a dazed state of confusion and disarray. The mini-amp strapped to my belt may only be 1 watt of power, but the crisp treble twang of my LTD Deluxe will cut right through the bassy throbbing of the Jungle Jungles Jungle mix.

I spy a lumbering gazelle up ahead wearing skinny jeans and goggles. It's contortions are off-tempo and frenzied. I ready my axe and turn on the amplifier. Quickly I kneel, gather a handful of dirt from the Jungle Jungles floor into my right hand, and drop it, noting which direction it falls in.

"Good...D Minor...."

The agitated gazelle has caught sight of me and is clumsily making its way over. I unleash a furious flurry of notes, the crisp resonant tone of my Seymour Duncans slicing through the air like a knife through butter. The gazelle is stunned, something in its mind cracks. I continue to play the guitar, the musical sorcery confounding the gazelle like a Jedi mind trick. The creature steps to the right, out of my way, then collapses in a heap on the floor of the Jungle Jungle. I spit in its pathetic face, debating whether I have enough time to set it on fire and pee on it.

"Not now...must press forward."
The dark peaks of the DNB mountain loom overhead ominously as we continue to fight our way through the Jungle Jungle. The clearing ahead seems relatively quiet. The Jungle Jungle is in a state of a breakdown, which can last anywhere from an hour to two weeks. I decide its time to take a quick, meditative break from our travels. My troll crew start brandishing their instruments, quietly tuning everything, setting up amplification and drum sets.

We will meditate in the embrace of improvised jam sessions to cleanse our aura of the button pushing, lazy aura of the Jungle Jungle. The execution of live jams on actual musical instruments will tickle each chakra until we are ready to proceed deeper into the jungle, on the way to the perilous peaks of DNB Mountain.

I quickly update the blog with a youtube list as an afterthought of my encounter with the gazelle.  


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

We All Laugh Because You're Different? Shut the Fuck Up.

The boiling, searing hatred I feel when I am exposed to excessive amounts of corny memes is hard to articulate through text. This quote, in particular, is one of the biggest offenders.
How many different iterations are there of "You all laugh at me because I'm different...." Doesn't the incessant repackaging of this tired quote negate it's original message?

Nice touch with the text emoticon, you piece of shit. Because ":P" was really necessary in this context, just to make it THAT much easier to loath.
Jonathan Davis of Korn originated this horrible quote? I find it particularly ironic that this quote was plastered over this image. Of ALL the images of Jonathan Davis to choose, the dickhead who made this meme uses the one with Jonathan Davis wearing Monster Energy Drink wristbands. What a schmuck. 
We're not laughing at your because you're different, Jonathan Davis. We're laughing at you because your singing is horrible and your band fucking sucks. (And some of the more twisted people are laughing at you because you got raped.) Not only did Korn help spawn one of the lamest genres of music ever, giving rise to Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Slipknot among others....not only did Korn fans single-handedly give Hot Topic the business it necessitated to infiltrate every mall in, this wasn't enough, Hot Topic and nu-metal weren't enough for Jonathan Davis. He had to go and create the corniest, most hypocritical and narcissistic "teen angst" quote of all-time. I bet Kurt Cobain would gladly suck Jonathan Davis off because he relates to that generic quote so much.

The only time this quote didn't self-implode was the first time it was uttered. Once this quote was used for the first time, it blew its entire load of poignancy and angst in one fell swoop. Anyone else saying it again later is repeating it, thus they aren't different at all and are just rehashing one of the shittiest quotes of modern history.
I'm not gonna end on that note, though. I'm gonna take it a step further and create a slew of variation memes.


Merciless Memories (part three: Lil' Preschool of Horrors)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Month/Day/Year Isn't Flawed, Jackass

What exactly is flawed with "Month / Day / Year"? I frequently see people talking shit about this method of date formatting. Usually in this context:

Of all the things to hate America for, you choose to attack the way we format our dates? And what's with the caption "America, fuck yea!" Team America: World Police was released in 2004. Unless you are Trey Parker or Matt Stone and it's the year 2003 and you're busy making a brilliant marionette puppet movie, the context of those three words in that order will never be funny.

"America, fuck yea" is just as lame (but not nearly as tired) as 'merica. Anyone using 'merica to make fun of America are the very jackasses that made 'merica relevant for its first 2 minutes of existence. It isn't funny, it isn't's arguably paradoxical because any idiot using 'merica to attempt and disassociate with the country they live in is a hypocrite and traitor.

If you wanna attack America, do it for the right reasons, not for petty bullshit like date formatting and treat it like a joke. "'merica" negates the seriousness. Be disgusted with the fact we oppress our own people. Be enraged we attempt to force our will throughout the world with trillion dollars in military spending. Don't merely pick fun at the corny, forced patriotism like Eagles and apple pie like its all some big, funny joke. You're picking fun at the distractions without realizing why you're being distracted in the first place. But I have plenty articles talking about this kind of bullshit, go look at the very last article. Because....back to date formatting.

Month first, year last, day in the middle makes perfect sense. So do other date formats. I'm not here to talk shit about other date formats...your little pyramid schemed day / month / year works just fine too. I understand the logic behind that. So let me simplify to you simpletons why month / day / year is also a relevant style of formatting.

Months have the least amount of possibilities.

Days have the potential to reach 31.

Years continually increase. At the moment of time you are reading this, they have the potential to reach 2013.

Get it? Does it make sense to you yet? The day is basically describing the month; the month is a more important figure, because it describes what part of the year you are in. And since the year is the biggest number it does not look aesthetically pleasing at the start of the date. Understand?

There are 12 months...
...a potential of 31 days...
...years are on a continual incline.

Of course it's gonna look fucking stupid when you make it look like this....

The person who made that even fucked up the shapes. Good going, dickhead, you can't even draw shapes in MSPaint. Couple that with the fact you don't understand why this date formatting works just as well as the fancy "day first" pyramid method, and I wouldn't put your IQ past the mid 80s.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

The "Moral" Fabric of Society

It's ludicrous how the moral fabric of society is essentially woven with political correctness and bigotry. Individuality and innovation are cast aside, in favor of sterile ideology and constrained monotony.

We are socially conditioned by our supposed 'superiors' to act a certain way, dress a certain way, think a certain way. To behave like the diligent workers we were born to be; like hamsters fixed upon our running wheels, spinning the figurative wheel of consumerism through our consumerist thoughts and consumerist actions. We carelessly and unknowingly stifle the very advancement of our entire species, all to focus on our own individual strains of vanity, greed, and avarice.

Produce, produce, produce.
Consume, consume, consume.
Obey, conform, produce, consume...
2013 is just 1984 + 29.

Unfortunately for the disenfranchised, severing ties with mainstream society is infinitely easier than trying to influence it. Those who stand in stark indifference against the current of mainstream culture are all expected to bend, bow, and eventually break under it's crippling tide of ignorance and unoriginality. So few who stand against the current have the means or fortitude to push forward, as the path of the unique and gifted is oftentimes precarious and filled with peril. These perils are not only numerous and bountiful, they are intentionally laid snares, utilized as a tactic of suppression, to trap the inventive while simultaneously rewarding the subservient.

Docility is rewarded.
Individuality is penalized.
Ignorance is celebrated.
Intellect is stigmatized.
Subservience is cherished.
Freedom is bastardized.

Governmental institutions defiantly take credit for the very freedoms we were born with, whilst simultaneously writing new laws, ordinances and regulations to suppress the masses on the daily. While one hand offers food, shelter, and protection, the other hand is pulling the wallet from your back pocket, but only after twisting the knife it put in your back long before you walked the Earth or drew air.

Governments and figures in any position of power and authority should be willingly protecting, empowering and educating their peers, but instead use the masses as pawns and human shields, as they cognitively exploit, inhibit, and oppress the very people they were elected to serve.

The casualty of intellect...the corpse of societal advancement.....the tattered remains of independence.......these are the stepping stones to corporate profit and, ultimately, totalitarianism. Political and monetary gains should be earned with honesty, philanthropy, humility, and intellect. Instead, these gains are forced through manipulation, coercion, and bribes; monetary bribes as well as mental bribes.
Political scoundrels don their counterfeit smiles and synthetic grins, spinning deceiving fables to blind the docile masses. Many of these snake oil salesman are completely unaware that their despicable acts of vile futility are orchestrated through the puppet strings of greed and rapacity.

Like an egotistical symphony of selfishness and narcissism, society remains off-key, out-of-tune, and incompetently tone-deaf. Politicians utilize their instruments as devices of torture and control. Instead of composing awe-inspiring music full of rich melodies and resonant timbers, they compose dissonant, abrasive, jagged noise, offensive to the ears and detrimental to the soul.

All the while, the vast majority remain entirely clueless to our fate as a society, a nation, a species, a world. Poisonous cultural trends continually dumb down the masses, drugging them into a state of docility and cerebral submission. The world spirals into unnecessary war, with imaginary borders serving as inspiration for people to wrongfully hate each other, to ignorantly view our beautiful planet as a divided, calculated entity, when we should instead be viewing it as a spontaneous, symbiotic entity.