Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Pub 99's Racist Job Application

So I went to apply to a few jobs today on the internet. First place I went to is Pub 99. (Gotta set the bar low, right?) A friend of mine just got hired to work there, so I decided I'd go through one of those elaborate online job application processes. You know, where you need to make an account for this companies website, then fill out a job application, then do one of those stupid "Behavioral Assessment" tests, which is basically 50 to 100 questions that all ask, "How stupid are you, and how good are you at lying?" but worded in a slightly different fashion each time.

(IE, "How often do you steal from the company you work for?
A. Never
B. Daily
C. Weekly
D. Only when I can't afford bread for my starving children.)
Needless to say, I created said account for Pub 99s website, and couldn't even get past the FIRST FUCKING QUESTION without having to stop, print screen, and start writing this article. Check this shit out:

Who the fuck thought that was a good first question to ask on a job application?

I'm not even Latino or Hispanic and I found Pub 99s question racist. Not offensive, just....racist and idiotic. So naturally, given my pasty white complexion, and my skins habit of turning bright red in even the mildest circumstances of outdoors activity in borderline pleasant weather, I answered "NO" to Pub 99s inquiry into just how Hispanic / Latino I was. The second question asked?
Woah, woah, woah. What exactly was the point of separating Hispanic / Latino? Why did they necessitate their own question? Couldn't you have just added "Hispanic / Latino" to the list in this very 'Ethnic Background' question?

To make things even more absurd, they even verified each ethnicity with a nice seal of "non Hispanic" approval.

American Indian/Alaskan Native (not Hispanic)
Asian (not Hispanic)
Black or African American (not Hispanic)
Native Hawaiian or Pacific Islander (not Hispanic)
White or Caucasian (not Hispanic)
Two or More Races (not Hispanic)

Thanks for clearing that up, Pub99! I always thought "Asian" was just slang for "Latino." I've got 99 problems but my ethnicity ain't one. (I'm gonna have to bill myself for that horrible "99 Problems" joke and flush a bowl pack down the toilet.)

In any case, I'm gonna move past this cringe-inducing spell of (unintentional?) racism and see what other gems this job application will afford.

FUCK. Looks like I can't work for your lovely anti-Latino establishment, guys. If you didn't realize this yet, I'm actually the quad-amputee that inspired Metallica to compose the song "One." This makes it impossible me to stand, bend, stretch, and lift. Luckily I will soon have Skynet technology powering a set of limbs that will allow me to post articles on this blog, apply to Pub 99, and masturbate...frequently.
Of course I currently work for Ninety Nine Restaurants! Why else would I be filling out a job application so I can get hired at Ninety Nine Restaurants?!
This is the bane of my (employed) existence: job history. Listen, I don't have the patience to sit there and fill out unnecessary amounts of information on three fucking jobs I had in the past. Who wants to reminisce about jobs they either QUIT or were FIRED from? I understand the concept of job history, but what I don't agree with is the amount of information required.

Who remembers exact dates of employment? Who remembers that kind of shit? Who remembers all of their supervisors names, and the phone numbers to contact them? Who's going to actually be honest on "Reason for Leaving," or click "NO" on 'May we contact this Employer?' or 'Eligible for Re-hire' 

Whoops, maybe I should delete all that and just leave it blank. But then again, Pub99 are intolerant, anti-Latino bigots. Maybe they'll get a kick out of the dickhead fashion I filled that particular section out in. I'm white too, so I got that going for me!


  1. This is great post and the background is also nice.

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  2. I make $20 for each 20 minute survey!

    Guess what? This is exactly what big companies are paying for. They need to know what their customer base needs and wants. So large companies pay $1,000,000's of dollars per month to the average person. In return, the average person, myself included, answers some questions and gives them their opinion.


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.