Tuesday, July 23, 2013

7 Potential Solutions To Unemployment

A lot of people are gonna read my opinions in this article and think to themselves, "My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Sweet Funky Freedom? The bums will always lose!" So right off the bat, let me attempt to dissuade some of you from missing my point entirely; I enjoy working. Seriously, I think working is fun. I don't just enjoy manual labor because it is healthy and instinctual to exert oneself physically as a human being. I also enjoy trying to get my job done as efficiently as possible. I wish there were jobs that would pay me more the harder I work. Because that way I could literally work 2 days a week and get a check equivalent to a full-time week and overtime. But I'm getting off-topic here.
Clearly, what with the entire 'unemployment rates' and 'overseas manufacturing' and 'robots and computers doing human jobs' and other what-have-yous, perhaps it is time we reevaluate the necessity of the whole "Career-Based Existence" that is expected of us. Hear me out.

Every minute people die, but every second fresh people are born. Population rates seem to be on a steady incline. As technology in medicine and transportation moves forward, it facilitates more people living longer, but also more babies being born. (Surprisingly, the Illuminati's sterilization methods aren't quite as effective as they had hoped.) Couple all the aforementioned points with the fact that now countless jobs are either being performed more efficiently due to technology (IE, one person doing the job of TEN people), or jobs that are done entirely by robots and computers, it's safe to assume these two things:

A) The amount of PEOPLE are increasing.
B) The amount of JOBS are decreasing.
In light of these circumstantial conditions, both of which I feel are logical 'educated guesses' to reach, perhaps the entire societal infrastructure should be re-imagined in a way to facilitate the entire public. Here's a few ideas I have to combat unemployment rates.
1) Better pay, less hours
That's right. People should be PAID MORE so they don't have to work so many god damn hours. Think about the way things are currently set up. Your typical 9-5 job will clock you in a total of 40 hours of work, 5 days a week. That doesn't seem to bad, does it? 40 hours isn't even two full days, so you're technically working less than 2/7ths of a week, right?

Wrong. Your commute to work will likely be anywhere from 15 minutes to something as ridiculous as 2 hours. Multiply that by 2, then again by 5. A half hour commute equals an additional hour a day, 5 times a week, that's 5 more hours. So that 40 hour work week just turned into a 45 hour work week.

But that isn't even accurate. If you're working 5 days out of a week, all hours peripheral of the driving hours....the driving which is, in itself, peripheral time of your actual work shift....pretty much equates to your entire week, and all of your time, wasted.

 Seriously, think about it. The way things are currently set up, you work pretty much your ENTIRE LIFE away. No experiences other than work experiences. No time off, other than that 1 week of paid vacation you get every year. Sick days are frowned on. Punctuality is a must. Produce, produce, produce. So that some other asshole can capitalize off the sweat rolling down YOUR back and ballsack, so that rich cocksuckers can afford toilet paper rolls of 100 dollar bills and diamond encrusted plungers they use to unclog their golden toilets, toilets they clog after eating $10,000 plesiosaur meat.
 I swear, those golden toilets get clogged every time they eat plesiosaur meat.

Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit...a full serving of plesiosaur meat is only $1449.99 when in season. Forgive my hyperbole.

My point is, employees lives are expected to revolve entirely around work. Corporations don't hire people. They hire animate objects to produce more crap to sell to dumb people who are wasting the money they earned at their shitty job, just so Corporation C can sell more sex dolls because no one has any time for dating anymore when their entire lives revolve around working a shitty job so they can buy shitty shit with their shitty wages....it's a viscous cycle of stupidity and greed.
Think about it. 1 weeks paid vacation...and the rest of the year, every week of every month, ALL REVOLVES AROUND YOUR JOB. Sure, you get those two days off to recover the meager remainders of your sanity, but you only have ONE day off. And that's Saturday. Because Sunday night, you best be in bed snug as a bug, early as possible, so you can wake up and face it all again for another hollow, meaningless week that very Monday. There's a reason every one talks shit about Monday...it's because Monday is the day a good 75% of the population contemplate how much easier it would be to have an unfortunate sky diving accident, than it is to rot  away in their 5 foot by 5 foot square of hell every miserable week for 20 years.

So my solution to this soul crushingly bland existence is...
2) Corporations should put consumer AND employee satisfaction above net profit
Corporations and businesses are fueled by the satisfaction of two important groups of people;

A. the consumer of their product
B. their employees
Without the employee to make the product, there will be nothing sold to the consumer. But without the consumer, employees aren't necessary, as nothing need be produced. A very basic principle. Having said that, why is it that every successful company ends up....
A. Making a cheap product so the consumers need to replace said cheap product as often as possible
B. Give the employees the lowest possible pay rate, least possible time off, and make sure they're treated like shit the entire time they literally waste their lives at work
It just doesn't make sense to me. These corporations literally fuck over their bread and butter. That is how they get such ridiculous profit....by FUCKING OVER THE VERY THINGS THEY OWE THEIR EXISTENCE TO.

I understand the logic of maximizing profits. Christ, the first track I composed in 2013 was 38 fucking minutes long, so clearly I understand the mentality of getting the most you possibly can out of whatever endeavor you are pursuing. What I don't understand is maximizing profits at the expense of the very people ensuring these profits exist. But it seems like whenever a business starts to get real successful, to the point of having a chain...I'm talking when a business literally breaks the 4th wall and becomes a fixture of pop culture due to its success.....I'm talking your Pepsi and Coca Colas, your Wal-Marts and Caldors, your KFCs and Taco Bells....whenever THAT level of success is reached....the profits are the fucking boss, guy. Fuck the consumer. Fuck the employees. Roll out the shit as cheap and mediocre as you can, so you can sell more shit.
Think about how fucking successful this elite class of corporations are. These are the businesses so well known and internationally recognized, they'll be spoofed on TV shows and dish out millions of dollars on corny adverisements that air during the Superbowl. (As opposed to putting that money into the pockets of the employees.)
I would bet my life that 10% of the collective amount of profit all these corporations receive in a decade would feed, clothe and house every homeless person in the world for the next 100 years, a dozen times over.

Just think about that shit, and then consider the fact that McDonalds recently spent money to inform their employees how to budget on meager wages. That's right; the cocksucking committee in charge of making decisions based on McDonalds employee satisfaction survey...and all the spies that record what the employees say when they take confession with Ronald McDonald...that is what they came up with. "Lets not increase the budget we allocate to employee payment, lets instead create an entirely new budget that will go entirely towards telling our employees how they can better utilize their meager earnings."
They'd rather spend money telling their employees how to budget their shitty wages than just give their employees the fucking money they spent on telling them how to budget their shitty wages.
   If that isn't a loogie to the employees face, I don't know what is.

It's as if Ronald McDonald isn't satisfied enough with his food giving people excessive diarrhea and cancer. Oh no. Now he also likes to hawk a giant figurative loogie into his entire workforces face. What a cock sucker.

3) People aren't entitled...they're informed
Ok, so maybe my generation is, to a large degree, petty and entitled. But can you blame us? The information (and misinformation {and disinformation}) people can mine from the internet is endless. Think about the scope and power of a tool such as the internet. Gathering information is like a fucking drug now. If you're reading this, you're probably like me, and you are addicted to the internet. It gives us fucking dopamine rushes, and I'm not even fucking joking. That is how powerful and fast the modern internet is. Point being....
People are dissatisfied with the current societal paradigm.
I would argue we're rightfully dissatisfied with said societal paradigm. I covered this already in 1 and 2, but I'll cover it again...your life is expected to revolve around your work. Your job IS YOUR LIFE. It is appalling for employers to hear this from their employees:
Maybe that is something this person wants to do before they die. They want to scale Mt Everest and meditate at the apex. They want to doggy paddle down the fucking Mississippi River with a whiskey buzz. 
I never understood why employees take their jobs so seriously. They literally take the corporations who treat them like shit so seriously. "You want a cup to fill with water at the fountain? Bullshit, you want a free drink!" Well of course I want a free drink, dipshit. The only holdup in this "free drink" equation is YOU for some reason don't want to take the opportunity at counter-fucking the company that's been fucking you over for the last year and a half of your life. Underpaying you and treating you like dog shit, all to stand at a cash register when you should be white river rafting or freebasing bath salts or something else equally meaningful and exciting.
You're acting like that $1.05 for soda is the price of your dignity...and yet...giving out a free drink to someone at $1.05 a pop, in my opinion, is getting $1.05 worth of dignity BACK from the corporation raping your soul. Double it if you want, considering you're fucking both McDonalds and Coca Cola out of $1.05. Look at you! You're like fucking Robin Hood. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. One dollar and five cents at a time you buy back your dignity, while you also make someones day since THEY get to save a dollar and five cents and fuck over two corporations. So just for handing someone an empty cup decorated with the golden arches, you effectively fuck over two evil corporations who willingly underpay employees, willingly strive to get people addicted to their products, and willingly turn a blind eye to the health hazards their products cause, lobbying against proper warning labels on their products to make the people weary of said health hazards.
So next time someone asks for a cup to fill up with water, take the chance to counter-fuck Ronald McDonald's fascist, tyrannical regime and give them 4 cups instead.
4) Charge less for college
You usually need a degree for a better job. But so many college kids are taking on multiple jobs just so they can afford the ridiculously expensive rate to attend said college, so one day they can work a better job and not need to work three jobs to pay for the pursuit of a better job...how about this one.
Educating the general public is a GOOD THING. Stop acting like its a fucking privilege OR a right, and start treating it like it's a FUCKING NECESSITY. Who thought it was a good idea to rape college kids with $20,000 loans, just so they can struggle to find a job when they graduate? How is that a good fucking idea? Wouldn't we want to educate the youth of the country so that one day they can make the world a better place? Namely better in that not everyone needs to work 40 hours a week to afford the gas it takes to get to work and the food it takes to survive so they can get to work again tomorrow?
Seriously. The War on Piracy. War on Terror. War on Drugs. They're all fucking pointless. Focus on the War on Stupidity. Start putting education first, so all our grandchildren can defend us from the invading Cosmic Assrape Armada who want to mine our planet for its sea salt and petroleum in 2054.
5) People with talent...live off said talent

People with talent should live off their talent. For example, when a talented musician such as myself looks to the mainstream and sees it populated by cookie cutter garbage, it is safe to assume the system is rigged in such a fashion that profits are not only far more important than the art form generating said profit....but, in fact, profits effectively negate the art entirely.

In a rich, progressive culture, one would expect innovation, creativity, and ingenuity to be praised. But just look at what music is most popular today. Listen to what music is on the radio, scope out which TV shows are getting the highest ratings and most promotion on their respective networks. Take a few steps back, and look at pop culture from afar, and you'll realize that its a huge indication of where society is currently at. Basically, today's culture is a festering turd, rapidly deteriorating in the toilet of a public restroom.


Sorry about that offensive overuse of caps lock. My house is haunted, you see, so the ghost of Tupac Shakur must have pressed the caps lock key while I was typing that last statement. Maybe he was trying to emphasize my last point or something.
6) The cost of everything is being raised....well, everything besides the cost of peoples time

When I first started working at the age of 16, all the way back in 2005, my home states minimum wage was $6.75. It had been $6.75 for a good 4 or 5 years. Since then, it hit $7.50 in 2007, and all the way up to $8.00 in 2008. We've been at $8.00 the entire time since. Cigarettes, in contrast, have almost doubled in price. Back in 2005, an hour of minimum wage work got you a pack of cigarettes with change. Nowadays, an hour of minimum wage work doesn't even get you a full pack of cigarettes.
  But really, all assumptive cigarette to minimum wage comparisons aside, people are thought less and less as people and more and more as exploitable entities. If every corporation pitched in their part and started paying their workers wages that were more fair, it would BOOST the economy in that everyone would have more money to spend. You gotta SPEND MONEY to MAKE MONEY, right? So why not SPEND THAT MONEY in the right places and keep the people that are the foundation of your business well payed, well fed, and well indoctrinated to return to your soul crushingly oppressive hamburger flipping stand week after week?
Think to yourself - is an hour of your time, AN HOUR OF YOUR LIFE, worth that $8.00? Do you think that 8 hours of your day, 5 days a week, is that much of your time worth $320 you lose a 4th of to taxes that go to bombing brown people? I, for one, value my time at much more than just eight fucking dollars an hour. I'd rather spend an hour living life than waste that hour so I can spend eight pathetic dollars on something. I can't even watch a movie in a movie theater for 8 fucking dollars. An hour of work doesn't even get you a fucking hour and a half of entertainment....or a god damn pack of cigarettes. What a fucking joke.
7) Stop taking out so much god damn money in taxes to bomb brown people....dickheads

I feel the title was self-explanatory on this one. If tax payers money actually went back to them in some way, there wouldn't be so many people in poverty, so many people hungry, so many people struggling to feed their families and keep a roof over their heads. Where the fuck are the taxes going? If you're taking 30% out of ALL of our checks every fucking week, you should at least have the common decency to....

A) Spend those ("rightfully" stolen) taxes on the people in THIS country
B)  Stop wasting it on war and other endeavors that stifle the advancement of our species
C) Spend the taxes on endeavors that strive to enlighten the masses and move society forward

Otherwise, fuck off and fund your own war, dickheads. I'm sorry I don't really feel all patriotic when 30% of my money goes to carpet bombing the boogeyman every week. But to me, and anyone else with any semblance of logic, it just seems we irritate the tension between us and the Middle East further when we bring our troops into all these countries. America loves to swing its dick and brag about having the most powerful army in the world, correct? Then why do we even need to go on the offensive? If our army is so goddamn powerful, we shouldn't need to go bomb poor, third world countries that will NEVER have the means of penetrating our defenses. (Well, unless they're funded by the CIA and told to fly planes into buildings, giving us all the excuses in the world to wrongfully bring our corporate-ocracy to as many other nations as we can.)

or alternatively 

Such filthy, cock-sucking pig fucks running the world. It makes me fucking sick.

I'm gonna stop while I'm ahead, before I give myself an ulcer.


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