Monday, May 13, 2013

The ONLY Things That Should Be Legal....

Here's a list of the only things that should be legal at this point, with short descriptions to entail just HOW legal they are.

1. Breathing
Breathing is something that has to be legal, with the exception of heavy breathing in public areas, or even in private areas in the presence of others. If you're breathing heavy, you don't want other ethnicities who might happen to be in ear-shot of you think you are muttering slurs under your breath, would you? That would be insensitive and socially incorrect. Don't be a bigot! Also, heavy breathing causes duress in females; it might trigger rape flashbacks, or even give them the impression you are going to rape them, your heavy breathing acting as some sort of rape war-cry. Or rape-cry, if you will.

THE ONLY TIME breathing heavy is to be an acceptable, completely legal act is at sporting events and only by the athletes, and perhaps the referees, but to a lesser degree.

2. Water
Drinking water has to be legal - or else we'd all die. But the amount of water each person drinks should be heavily monitored.....and taxed accordingly, of course. Here's additional rules to help differentiate just how legal "Water" should be.

A. When swimming in any body of water, be it a lake, the ocean, your swimming pool, or even your bathtub, you should be monitered by no less than (6) cameras.


B. When taking a shower,
you should be monitored by no less than (3) cameras. You're less likely to drown while standing up in a stream of running water that quickly drains out, but we can never be too careful, can we?

C. Collecting rain water for any purpose will result in said rain collectors immediate and merciless execution. Who the fuck do they think they are, stealing our fucking water?!

3. Food
All food should first be sent through Monsanto checkpoints to verify they are as unnatural and genetically modified as possible. Should any food be inspected that doesn't reach the amount of preservatives or genetic modifications to appease Monsantos fiery will, the source of the food will be traced and the farmer who yielded the crop will be stoned in public.

4. Marijuana
Marijuana should be legalized, but only after it is patented, synthesized, and riddled with varying degrees of toxins and chemicals to rob potheads of their lives.
 
5. Wireless Internet
Wireless Internet should not only be legal, but it should be free for everyone!


6. Sex 
Sex isn't meant to be an intimate, romantic experience. It is not an expression of love, or a pleasurable experience. It is merely meant for procreation; nothing more. Because of this, sex will now be delegated to "BREEDERS" who will be hand-picked by government elected officials. Paper work must be filled out in triplicate to be eligible to receive a SEX PERMIT. Any individual(s) caught having sex without filling out the proper paperwork and receiving their SEX PERMIT in advance will be publicly executed via insertion of drill into the anus.

7. Comedy
Comedy can only be legal in ONE of its many varying forms.......ECards.

1 comment:

If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.