Thursday, May 9, 2013

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon (Sweet Funky Review)

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon is probably dollar for dollar the most entertaining video game I've ever played.

Everything about Blood Dragon is perfect. If Blood Dragon was a metal band, their amps wouldn't just go to 11....they'd go to 42. Blood Dragon hits the ground running with a piss-take of game tutorials, quickly introducing you into the games setting in a truly memorable way. The atmospheric, post-apocalyptic apocalypse, no doubt the fallout of Vietnam 2, is beautifully captured. Cities burn in the distance. Animals with neon modifications scurry about. (Those Daft Punk turkeys are fucking viscous.) The sky is an unnatural and eerie purplish hue, and random neon splotches dot the landscapes. It's like you've been dropped into an unreleased James Cameron movie.
Speaking of James Cameron, the soundtrack to this game could have easily been used in any of his movies and fit perfectly. The Terminator, T2: Judgement Day, Escape From New York, Escape From LA, The Thing, Halloween, They Live...hell, I'd even wager Power Gloves amazing soundtrack would elevate the turd that was "Ghosts of Mars" into something more memorable. The music is that good. In fact, hearing the sound track is what sparked my interest in the game in the first place. For the first minute of listening to the soundtrack I sat at my desk, mouth agape, eyes glazed over, hash pipe festively smoking to my left. By the 2nd minute of the sound track I was already buying the game on my PSN. This is retro cheesiness at its best.

Fortunately, the cheesiness and over-the-top winks, knudges, and stabs in the face only heighten the enjoyment of the experience, and literally NEVER let up. The game mocks not only action movies of the 80s and early 90s, but also mocks modern gaming in general. Loading screens flash patronizing remarks such as "Hint screens will provide you with hints" and "Need help? Maybe the next loading screen will give you a tip!" 

I enjoyed this game even more than the Red Dead Redemption DLC, "Undead Nightmare," which no doubt inspired this trend in DLC. (Like the vampire DLC in Infamous, or the ghost DLC in Sleeping Dogs, or the zombie DLC in Borderlands.) Hell, I'd even wager Blood Dragon trumps Duke Nukem. Imagine a game that teams up Duke and Rex "Power" Colt? That would be ridiculous. 

I was born in I wasn't even old enough to cognitively register even the tail end of the 80s...but this game has to be the perfect, modern tribute to that time period, on almost all fronts. I'd say it's the "Venture Bros" of video games and cyberpunk, blended with the biting satire of South Park.
I beat the game in two sessions. Took me around 7 hours in all, and I actually finished the game 100%. I plan on playing it again on the most difficult setting after I finish playing a few other games, but I'm definitely looking forward to returning to this game again and again. Even if the ending won't be as shockingly epic as the first time.
Don't read this next part of my article if you haven't played the game yet, because I'm gonna briefly write about the last 15 minutes of the game. Seriously, the ending of this game is so awesome that I am going to actually warn you ahead of time - spoiler alert, jabroni. Move along, sir. Seriously, stop reading, you fucking idiot, and go buy the game. Beat it first, and then you won't even need to read this next part. I feel compelled to tell you the punch of the ending is completely reliant on the players ignorance on the absurdity they are going to witness. Last warning...
All right. So the last 20 minutes of Blood Dragon puts Rocky IV, Never Ending Story, Dragonheart, Commando, Mortal Kombat, a 16-b
it sex scene, a training montage, He-man, They Live, and the Walking Dead into a blender, mixes in a QP of some dank music festival cannabis, and then dumps in a vial of acid.

I'm not
even gonna say more. Buy this game. Support the people who created it, so that it can be turned into a lucrative franchise that, 4 years down the road, people will bitch about. "Blood Dragon 7 is such a cash-in! They're just like Call of Duty now! Rabble rabble rabble!"
Yearly helpings of Rex "Power" Colt? Count me in. They should make the sequel "DLC of the DLC." So it could be like:

"Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon: Blood Dragon 2: Bloodier Dragon"

And instead of an island setting, they could go with an Escape From New York vibe, peppering in even more shameless references, drenching the entire affair in another cheesy soundtrack provided by Power Glove, and maybe even a few tracks by Jon of the Shred.


  1. I think you should've added Star Wars because of that "I'm your father" dialogue.

    Anyway, I hope the guys are working on the sequel and for gamers who are still about to play the game, do me a favor and play it in hard mode, here's a walkthrough just in case needed:

    1. Good point, there was a slight Star Wars vibe with the "I am your father" reveal. But if you want to get really technical about it, "Conan the Barbarian" had a moment with Thulsa Doom telling Conan he is his father which Blood Dragon was far more reminiscent of than the Star Wars scene.

      That guide sucks ass, by the way, and for a few reasons.

      1) What is that retro shitty design you got going on there? No pictures of gameplay? Just text? If I wanted a text-only guide, I'd just go to GameFAQ. And by the way, FUCK YOU for not having a comment section where I can add a link to this page so I can counter-spam your spam on my site. Asshole.
      2) The game is only 3 hours long at most. I think I got 100% in less than 4 hours. A guide is completely unnecessary for Blood Dragon, and ruins the surprise of the ending.
      3) You posted unnecessary spam on my website. You aren't gonna get much hits from this review.


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