Monday, April 22, 2013

Troll Hunting (Part 13)

It's been a few weeks since I documented any troll hunting. Updates have been happening with less and less frequency. Most people likely see this as a good thing - after all, crapping out 37 articles for the first month of 2013 was a bit overkill. But unless you're a big fan of my latest comedy series, (Infinite Jelly Junction, aka Cosmic Assrape Armada) then the past two or three months have probably been pretty lackluster. (And you likely aren't a big fan of my latest comedy series, because it is most definitely an acquired taste.) If you come here for the rants, you definitely have to feel at least slightly Jewed by April and March of 2013...
In the past 2 months, I've produced 28 updates. Of those 28 updates, only 4 could actually be considered rants.

28 Articles Later, and I've realized, looking back, how much I've been slacking. I started this blog to vent, lacing my verbal tirades with conspiracy rhetoric, satire, and (uneducated) political/social commentary...but I've simply run out of fuel. My creative passion started to gravitate back towards music in February, and then the invention of Infinite Jelly Junction / Cosmic Assrape Quandary / Cosmic Assrape Armada took what little wind was left-over for the creative sails of Sweet Funky Freedom. Those new series are a collaborative effort, which is a breath of fresh air.

The rage you may have witnessed in the beginnings of this blog.....while intentionally hyperbolic in nature, and so painfully over-the-top, the shark wasn't just jumped; the planet said shark inhabited was orbited....that rage was inspired by what translates to trivial and petty annoyances in my actual life. The thing is, those same trivial and petty annoyances are now annoying and trivial to even bother commentating on.
It seems a healthy dose of anger management piggy-backed its way onto my exaggerated ravings from the past year, and stifled out my passion for verbalizing my beefs with the pitfalls of a society that is even more brain-dead than myself. It's getting old.

Where do updates come from? Inspirado. I mean...I could 23 ska-doo you an update. I could zippity-doo-daa...YOU....AN UPDATE....but that would be false. It would be wrong. I mean, you can't manufacture inspirado. It arises from a...stillness, of quietude. When the heart...mingles with your soul...and oh man, they do the dance...but I digress.
Bearing all that in mind...or not...I present you, the faithful readers, with....
 Troll Hunting (Part 13)
  See? I'm getting so lazy I can't even come up with a unique title to describe this edition of Troll Hunting. It is that same indifference that stifled out any possible passion in this troll hunt.

Now this particular hater is a special brand indeed - they suffered a rather severe case of butthurt after reading my Alyssa Rosales article. Most people that read the article are likely looking for the actual video of Alyssa having sex with her dog....
This Alyssa Rosales Chick Had Sex With her Dog they are probably also offended on a minor level to not find the video. Instead of fap-material of dog-on-lady fetish pron, they're merely presented G-rated photographs accompanied with text written by some pervert who is chronicling the guilt they feel as a result of still actively wanting to have sex with Ms Rosales, even after she took Rovers red rocket up her anus. 
But not this hater. This guy (or girl) was actually offended I was commenting on Alyssa Rosales at all. Anonymous feels Alyssa Rosales has been wrongfully victimized. They were literally SCOURING THE INTERNET for anything Alyssa Rosales related so they could rush to her defense.
See my response? See how indifferent and disinterested I was of this entire thing right off the bat? I didn't even read past the first or second sentence, and still haven't. My generic "Pretentious Blogger" rebuttal was just the thing to set off Anonymous.

This would have been an ultimate scenario for Troll Hunter (Part 12) or Troll Hunter (Part 9) because this person is a mine for material. They could be trolled for weeks and still continue to defend their points, all the while I'm passionately  indifferent. They could fervently rant and rave for months on end, me being the only person reading their words, and I could delete it all in a flash. But I didn't have the patience. I just couldn't be bothered to read their words. Their wall of text was like a mountain that I, as a reader, would need to scale, and I just did not have the patience to traverse the tundra or climb the cliff. I'm sure many of my readers feel the same way about my writing, but I'd also wager they didn't get this far in the article. So we can talk shit behind their backs! Those assholes need to work on their attention spans, am I right? Fucking idiots.

Anyway, this was what came to mind when I saw this post from Anonymous.
So this person returned the day after their original post to see if I had responded. And they wrote up another retarded spiel I read, maybe, three sentences of. I decided to leave an equally retarded, cluster-fuck of a response. But this Anonymous...they won't shut the fuck up. They've replied three more times, but to piss them off even more, I deleted the three responses.

What the fuck? There's no way to remove this border? God dammit, Blogger, that ruins the fucking joke

Fear not, faithful readers, for I still have this jabronis responses in my e-mail inbox. And I'm gonna post them right in this article. In doing this, I have the satisfaction of maintaining my stance of "anti-censorship" while simultaneously tricking Anonymous into believing they have been censored. So they're gonna keep posting replies and I'll just keep deleting them from that article and dropping them in this one instead.
If someone wants to read all the crap this asshole writes, feel free to paraphrase for me, because I literally cannot maintain interest beyond the first or second sentence. Not even to dissect the persons ramblings and point out why they're an idiot.

See? They're too boring. This person seems way too sincere in both their idiocy and their smugness. You might notice "Conspiracy Humor" in the title of this blog. If you aren't a fan of 'satirical pretentiousness' like South Park, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Doug Stanhope, Bill Hicks, Maddox, and similar brands of comedy, then fine, I get it. You'll hate most of this blog and me on a personal level because of your lack of comprehension.
But I can't be bothered to commentate on your cringe-worthy writings. They were so bad, in fact, that it inspired me to try to make something even more boring. If you ever stumble upon this article, Anonymous....if you ever discover this update, are hopefully bored to tears. It is my hope that I have crafted something even more boring than your passionate attempts to debunk my Alyssa Rosales article as if it was a serious piece of journalism. I'm fighting fire with fire.

I wish this idiot would have left all these comments on my Alyssa Rosales articles a MONTH earlier. This would have been the perfect April Fools Day article. An intentionally bland, trite, depressingly calculated piece of crap. Now go re-read the entire thing with Norm MacDonald serving as the voice of your inner monologue. (Especially the word Pron) And you might as well read "Anonymous" in the voice of Christopher Walken.


 Anonymous STILL won't shut the fuck up. Let's see how long it takes this idiot to realize I'm just re-posting their deleted comments in this article. Here's the latest figurative menstrual blood they smeared on my blog:


This guy won't quit! He has my Alyssa Rosales article bookmarked, and is sitting on the page hitting F5. I get notified via e-mail every time someone comments on my blog. But this guy? He posted Anonymously. He isn't getting notifications - he's literally giving me a new hit, and every time, I just delete is lame comment and post it here. This is the lamest "Troll Hunting" ever.

So I'm gonna use this little gem to rustle their jimmies: 

Place your bets on how long it takes this jabroni to stumble on this article and realize I'm not even censoring them - I'm just relocating their words. I'll try to drag it out as long as I can. This is one persistent little cock sucker.


This guy is strung along so easily.

I'm gonna keep stringing this idiot along. I'm even gonna use the name he gave me in the response I just deleted. I'll do it nonchalantly as if I don't realize, in using his name, I'm advertising the fact I'm censoring his idiocy. "Damon" will likely go ape-shit and cluelessly point out something along the lines of:

"See?! How could you generate a name out of thin air? You just gave away the fact you are censoring me because you used the name Damon blah blah blah blah blah I'm on my period"

There we are. And now we wait.....


  This guy is obsessed.

And still as oblivious as ever. It's not like I don't get NOTIFIED BY E-MAIL or anything when people comment on my blog. When you post anonymously on my website, you will not receive notifications that a response has been made. So you've literally book-marked my article and have been periodically checking up on it throughout the day, as if your lame insults are going to have any effect on how I feel about my Alyssa Rosales article. 
This idiot is quite impassioned.


  1. Your mate here is a jackass either he is on some holy war against you or he's in a cow costume at his computer trying to figure out where you live so he can play big spoon with you

    1. So it was YOU, dressed like a cow at your computer, using a frog avatar as cover. Persistent bastard

  2. Naw truth be told anyone who uses mate is like sweatervests and mustaches just can't trust them

    1. I imagine you are referring to BEARDLESS mustaches, which I agree, are unsettling at beast and undercover government agent / child rapist at worst

    2. Not going to lie, I can't tell who won this it looks you got baited by a troll that matched you after reading all of this again

    3. I didn't exactly put any effort into arguing with this jackass. They "lost" in their first post where they made it blatantly obvious they don't understand satire. They hardly 'matched' me, because I didn't even bother responding to their illiterate, disjointed walls of text in the first place.

      Calling a person "Mr Elite" who claimed they'd take sloppy seconds from a dog is retarded. That person is either ridiculously stupid, or it might ACTUALLY BE "Alyssa Rosales" herself, considering how butthurt they were. They seemed personally offended, which is absurd.

  3. And yes beardless ones having a full face of hair is fine but grooming it in such a manner is suspect


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.