Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Cosmic Assrape Armada (Chapter 3: Gingerbread Smiles and Teddy Bear Kisses)


Friday, April 26, 2013

Deep Purple "Now What?!" (Sweet Funky Review)

Deep Purple's 19th album, "Now What?!" was released in a few countries today. While I can't wait to buy it when it's released in the US, I also can't possibly wait that long to listen to it. So I immediately downloaded the album offline so I could listen to it a few dozen times before it drops in the US.

This album is fucking epic.

  
 
I really hope this album is a huge hit. Deep Purple deserve to be the band to save mainstream music. I'm sick of shitty music being popular. Nicki Minaj, Jay Z, Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber, Beyonce, Kanye West, Lil Wayne....none of these artists deserve the spotlight. It is sacrilegious to even mention such artists when we're talking about such a prolific, legendary band. But I honestly think this album has potential to completely turn everything around....if enough people listen. I bring these artists up to display the standard people are holding music to...vs the heights musicians can attain when they're both virtuosic and impassioned. Deep Purple "Now What?!" should redefine the game, as the band have many times in their career. Music has arguably never needed a reboot moreso than now. And this album would be the perfect catalyst.

  
It is my hope that this album, coming from such a notable band of rocks history, will have the hype behind it to re-capture the imaginations of the masses and bring GOOD MUSIC back into the mainstream. A fool can dream, right?
 
 If this album is a huge hit, and it very well should be, it would set a new precedent for what rock bands attempt to tackle in their studio albums. This album would raise standards....if the masses have the attention span to sit through it. "Why does the second track sound so stylistically different than the first track? I'm going back to LMFAO, this is making me think too much!"

Make no mistake, Deep Purple are very much taking everyone to school with this album. Each track is so dynamic, yet a perfect continuation of the song before it. I'd really love this album to help revitalize music in the mainstream. The bar needs to be raised. Rock music needs to reign supreme again. Enough cookie-cutter, generic tripe dominating the charts.....THIS is the kind of music that should be #1 for weeks on end. The playing and composition is so masterful.

Just compare "Hell to Pay" radio edit vs the track that's on the album. There's a HUGE difference what an extra minute or two does to a track. There should have never been a "radio edit." People should have the attention span to listen to the full track, because it benefits so much from that extra organ solo. It's absurd bands have to dumb down their product to mass-market them; peoples standards in music are far too low. And that's why I keep emphasizing how much I want this album to be a huge success - because it is certainly catchy enough to capture the interest of the general public...but Purple have always kind of flown under the radar, living in the shadow of bands like the over-hyped and comparatively lackluster and bloated Led Zeppelin. If you ask me, "Now What?!" blows away everything Zeppelin have ever composed / stolen...
  
Seriously, this album fires on all cylinders. Immense musical dynamics are on display in every track. Every single note sounds so calculated and precise, yet completely organic and natural. This is what musical genius sounds like. 

  
Now What?! perfectly captures the spirit of inventiveness and virtuosity of the 70's, including the psychedelic, but it executes this spirit with a mature and masterful touch none of the young bands of that time had quite reached. These are seasoned veterans trying to push their own boundaries while paying homage to their storied history, and it blends perfectly into one of the strongest albums a band in their "twilight" years has ever released. This is their 19th album, and it stands right up there with their old works.

 The musicianship is top-notch, the band sounds gracefully aged, and Bob Ezrins production gives everything a crisp, rich timber. Really hope he sticks around for a few more albums, they sound so inspired on "Now What?!" and Ezrin perfectly captures their passion with his mastering. Ian Gillan notably sounds better than he has in years, utilizing his full range and singing some very memorable vocal hooks, sure to hook in even casual music listeners.

    
Don Airey is really stepping out of Jon Lords shadow with this album too; he has a few moments that are noticeably a tribute to Jon Lords style. But he really experiments and tries to reinvent the way the keys are used in the band, which is fine by me. Jon Lord is impossible to replicate (RIP) and its better not to try to play constant "Jon Lord lite" hammond passages. But when Airey really goes in, he does a good job of paying tribute to the fallen master of Hammond Organ.
   
"Out Of Hand" really reminds me of "Hungary Daze"....if "Hungary Daze" had been released on "Purpendicular." And "Weirdistan" reminds me of "Strangeways" if it was released on "Bananas." You see what I'm getting at? The album opens with "A Simple Song," which is lyrically and stylistically reminiscent of "Child in Time," but then jumps into a more hard rocking vibe lead by Don Aireys organ. The band seems to make subtle nods like this throughout the album, but it never feels forced or unnatural. There's a section in "All the Time In the World" that sounds just like "Sometimes I Feel Like Screaming," and it only heightens the impact of the track for people well-versed in Purples discography.
  
The band isn't following any particular formula, but for die-hard Purple fans, they're really paying a natural, non-forced homage to a lot of different styles they've touched upon over their illustrious career. The first few tracks could be said to be the "Perfect Strangers" of Mark 8. But the album is so diverse, it changes with each track and perfectly flows from one song to the next. Each new track sort of carries an element from the track before it, while expanding it into different territory. It's really one of the best albums I've ever listened to, and that's not just the hash talking.
   
Help bring this album to number 1. Pirate now if you must, because I know I couldn't have waited another few weeks to listen to the album. But buy it the day its released in your country - I know I will be. This is a MUST LISTEN, and it would be completely epic if this album helped pull mainstream music out of the doldrums. This is one of the strongest albums of one of the strongest bands of all-time, no lie, and it deserves to get hype, recognition, and success. 

Monday, April 22, 2013

Troll Hunting (Part 13)

It's been a few weeks since I documented any troll hunting. Updates have been happening with less and less frequency. Most people likely see this as a good thing - after all, crapping out 37 articles for the first month of 2013 was a bit overkill. But unless you're a big fan of my latest comedy series, (Infinite Jelly Junction, aka Cosmic Assrape Armada) then the past two or three months have probably been pretty lackluster. (And you likely aren't a big fan of my latest comedy series, because it is most definitely an acquired taste.) If you come here for the rants, you definitely have to feel at least slightly Jewed by April and March of 2013...
  
In the past 2 months, I've produced 28 updates. Of those 28 updates, only 4 could actually be considered rants.

 
 
28 Articles Later, and I've realized, looking back, how much I've been slacking. I started this blog to vent, lacing my verbal tirades with conspiracy rhetoric, satire, and (uneducated) political/social commentary...but I've simply run out of fuel. My creative passion started to gravitate back towards music in February, and then the invention of Infinite Jelly Junction / Cosmic Assrape Quandary / Cosmic Assrape Armada took what little wind was left-over for the creative sails of Sweet Funky Freedom. Those new series are a collaborative effort, which is a breath of fresh air.

The rage you may have witnessed in the beginnings of this blog.....while intentionally hyperbolic in nature, and so painfully over-the-top, the shark wasn't just jumped; the planet said shark inhabited was orbited....that rage was inspired by what translates to trivial and petty annoyances in my actual life. The thing is, those same trivial and petty annoyances are now annoying and trivial to even bother commentating on.
 
It seems a healthy dose of anger management piggy-backed its way onto my exaggerated ravings from the past year, and stifled out my passion for verbalizing my beefs with the pitfalls of a society that is even more brain-dead than myself. It's getting old.

Where do updates come from? Inspirado. I mean...I could 23 ska-doo you an update. I could zippity-doo-daa...YOU....AN UPDATE....but that would be false. It would be wrong. I mean, you can't manufacture inspirado. It arises from a...stillness, of quietude. When the heart...mingles with your soul...and oh man, they do the dance...but I digress.
  
Bearing all that in mind...or not...I present you, the faithful readers, with....
 
 Troll Hunting (Part 13)
 
  See? I'm getting so lazy I can't even come up with a unique title to describe this edition of Troll Hunting. It is that same indifference that stifled out any possible passion in this troll hunt.

Now this particular hater is a special brand indeed - they suffered a rather severe case of butthurt after reading my Alyssa Rosales article. Most people that read the article are likely looking for the actual video of Alyssa having sex with her dog....
  
This Alyssa Rosales Chick Had Sex With her Dog
 
....so they are probably also offended on a minor level to not find the video. Instead of fap-material of dog-on-lady fetish pron, they're merely presented G-rated photographs accompanied with text written by some pervert who is chronicling the guilt they feel as a result of still actively wanting to have sex with Ms Rosales, even after she took Rovers red rocket up her anus. 
 
But not this hater. This guy (or girl) was actually offended I was commenting on Alyssa Rosales at all. Anonymous feels Alyssa Rosales has been wrongfully victimized. They were literally SCOURING THE INTERNET for anything Alyssa Rosales related so they could rush to her defense.
   
   
See my response? See how indifferent and disinterested I was of this entire thing right off the bat? I didn't even read past the first or second sentence, and still haven't. My generic "Pretentious Blogger" rebuttal was just the thing to set off Anonymous.

This would have been an ultimate scenario for Troll Hunter (Part 12) or Troll Hunter (Part 9) because this person is a mine for material. They could be trolled for weeks and still continue to defend their points, all the while I'm passionately  indifferent. They could fervently rant and rave for months on end, me being the only person reading their words, and I could delete it all in a flash. But I didn't have the patience. I just couldn't be bothered to read their words. Their wall of text was like a mountain that I, as a reader, would need to scale, and I just did not have the patience to traverse the tundra or climb the cliff. I'm sure many of my readers feel the same way about my writing, but I'd also wager they didn't get this far in the article. So we can talk shit behind their backs! Those assholes need to work on their attention spans, am I right? Fucking idiots.

Anyway, this was what came to mind when I saw this post from Anonymous.
 
    
 
So this person returned the day after their original post to see if I had responded. And they wrote up another retarded spiel I read, maybe, three sentences of. I decided to leave an equally retarded, cluster-fuck of a response. But this Anonymous...they won't shut the fuck up. They've replied three more times, but to piss them off even more, I deleted the three responses.


What the fuck? There's no way to remove this border? God dammit, Blogger, that ruins the fucking joke


  
Fear not, faithful readers, for I still have this jabronis responses in my e-mail inbox. And I'm gonna post them right in this article. In doing this, I have the satisfaction of maintaining my stance of "anti-censorship" while simultaneously tricking Anonymous into believing they have been censored. So they're gonna keep posting replies and I'll just keep deleting them from that article and dropping them in this one instead.
 
If someone wants to read all the crap this asshole writes, feel free to paraphrase for me, because I literally cannot maintain interest beyond the first or second sentence. Not even to dissect the persons ramblings and point out why they're an idiot.
 


See? They're too boring. This person seems way too sincere in both their idiocy and their smugness. You might notice "Conspiracy Humor" in the title of this blog. If you aren't a fan of 'satirical pretentiousness' like South Park, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Doug Stanhope, Bill Hicks, Maddox, and similar brands of comedy, then fine, I get it. You'll hate most of this blog and me on a personal level because of your lack of comprehension.
 
 
But I can't be bothered to commentate on your cringe-worthy writings. They were so bad, in fact, that it inspired me to try to make something even more boring. If you ever stumble upon this article, Anonymous....if you ever discover this update, MATE....you are hopefully bored to tears. It is my hope that I have crafted something even more boring than your passionate attempts to debunk my Alyssa Rosales article as if it was a serious piece of journalism. I'm fighting fire with fire.
  

I wish this idiot would have left all these comments on my Alyssa Rosales articles a MONTH earlier. This would have been the perfect April Fools Day article. An intentionally bland, trite, depressingly calculated piece of crap. Now go re-read the entire thing with Norm MacDonald serving as the voice of your inner monologue. (Especially the word Pron) And you might as well read "Anonymous" in the voice of Christopher Walken.


UPDATE: THE DAY AFTER

 Anonymous STILL won't shut the fuck up. Let's see how long it takes this idiot to realize I'm just re-posting their deleted comments in this article. Here's the latest figurative menstrual blood they smeared on my blog:



UPDATE: A FEW HOURS LATER

This guy won't quit! He has my Alyssa Rosales article bookmarked, and is sitting on the page hitting F5. I get notified via e-mail every time someone comments on my blog. But this guy? He posted Anonymously. He isn't getting notifications - he's literally giving me a new hit, and every time, I just delete is lame comment and post it here. This is the lamest "Troll Hunting" ever.
  


So I'm gonna use this little gem to rustle their jimmies: 


Place your bets on how long it takes this jabroni to stumble on this article and realize I'm not even censoring them - I'm just relocating their words. I'll try to drag it out as long as I can. This is one persistent little cock sucker.

UPDATE: LESS THAN AN HOUR AFTER THE LAST UPDATE

This guy is strung along so easily.



I'm gonna keep stringing this idiot along. I'm even gonna use the name he gave me in the response I just deleted. I'll do it nonchalantly as if I don't realize, in using his name, I'm advertising the fact I'm censoring his idiocy. "Damon" will likely go ape-shit and cluelessly point out something along the lines of:

"See?! How could you generate a name out of thin air? You just gave away the fact you are censoring me because you used the name Damon blah blah blah blah blah I'm on my period"


There we are. And now we wait.....


UPDATE: VERY SHORTLY AFTER THE LAST ONE

  This guy is obsessed.

 
And still as oblivious as ever. It's not like I don't get NOTIFIED BY E-MAIL or anything when people comment on my blog. When you post anonymously on my website, you will not receive notifications that a response has been made. So you've literally book-marked my article and have been periodically checking up on it throughout the day, as if your lame insults are going to have any effect on how I feel about my Alyssa Rosales article. 
 
 
This idiot is quite impassioned.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Hooray For Martial Law!

Why the fuck are you reading this? Northern Southern Korea is about to nuke us, didn't you hear?! And there's so much Casey Anthony and Jodi Arias coverage to catch up on! And there are turban-wearing terrorists hiding around every corner, just waiting to suicide bomb you back to the stoned-age! You should have been in your bomb shelters cowering in fear and shaking uncontrollably in puddles of your own urine in fevered anticipation of a terrorist attack well over a week ago!
 
Haven't you heard about Boston?! Where a 19 year old kid necessitated the entire shutdown of the city and 200,000+ law enforcement agents and military personnel performing warrant-less searches throughout multiple towns in and around Boston and Watertown?
 
  
 You wanna know what's 100 times scarier than someone bombing a marathon? Pictures like these....
  
  

 
 
I can't believe people are actually celebrating this Martial Law test run like some kind of moral victory.
 
"That's what you get for messing with Boston!"
 
"Terrorist, your game is through!" 

"Good for Boston! Might as well round up all the Sand-Niggers while we're at it and put them in camps! For our safety, of course."
 
Hey jackasses, I hate to break this to you, but the "terrorists" technically 'won' the second we shut down an entire city. And they continue to win every minute of unnecessary media footage.
 
ter·ror·ism
/ˈterəˌrizəm/
noun:   the calculated use of violence (or threat of violence) against civilians in order to attain goals that are political or religious or ideological in nature; this is done through intimindation or coercion or instilling fear 

 
  
 
 
 


Because nothing says "We aren't scared of you!" quite like shutting down an entire city and sending in 200,000+ law enforcement agents and military personnel performing warrant-less searches throughout multiple towns...
 
   
Of course, I can't conclude this article without bringing up this gem of a meme....
   
  
That is one of the corniest, most counter-productive images I've ever seen. I almost have a harder time looking at that picture than I do looking at the picture of the dude who lost his legs. I'm a Masshole...I live a little over an hour away from Boston...I have family living in Boston...so the bombing hit "close to home," I guess you could say. And despite being a proud resident of Massachusetts, this image made me cringe so hard I got an eyebrow cramp. I threw up into my mouth a little when I saw this on my Facebook news feed. Then it showed up another three dozen times to remind me of its existence.
   
"That'll show the terrorists who's boss! The corniest image on the entire internet! They'll be cowering in their turbans when they see this illustration of our city and the faces of four of our sports mascots majestically floating above the skyline, wearing smug facial expressions like some sort of disgruntled guardian angels. YOLO!"
  
Aren't the "Middle Eastern terrorists" who hate America and piss on our flag angry about just this sort of thing? Mindless consumerism and unnecessary kinsman-ship with corporate entities? Don't get me wrong, I'm not sympathizing with terrorists, because they're fucking hypocrites; they mindlessly consume hatred instead of brain-numbing entertainment.  And they form unnecessary kinsman-ship with dead peoples luggage instead of corporate entities. (And by dead peoples luggage, I'm talking about a dated religious doctrine they then use as an excuse to be gigantic assholes. Because, hey, if you're a murderous dickhead in this life, you'll be awarded with 72 virgins in the afterlife...or something like that. Fuck you.)
 
Terrorist hypocrisy aside, this image of Bostons Mascots is a photographic depiction of the exact behavior that acts as the figurative stick up these terrorists sandy assholes. (Aside from us invading their countries to mine their resources and replace their dictators with dictators of our own.) But I'm losing my train of thought here.
 
So while everyone is cheering along the Martial Law with chants of "USA! USA! USA!" they completely miss the fact CISPA was passed...
 
     
...and remain completely oblivious to the fact that the mainstream media is, AGAIN, playing on their heart strings like a god-damned fiddle.
  
There was also that explosion in Waco, Texas. You know, the explosion at the fertilizer plant owned by the company that incidentally was suing Monsanto. But seeing as how Monsanto themselves funded the drone strike that took the plant out, the Boston Marathon bombing proves a more 'profitable' topic for the mainstream media to focus on. That's a double-dose of distraction to keep blissfully blinded eyes from taking too much notice into what's going on in the House, namely, the passing of an internet bill that basically gives the government authority to watch you fap through your webcam.
 
 So let's give it up for this monumental week in history! We got Monsanto funding drone strikes on fertilizer plants...the passing of CISPA....and a test run of Martial Law in Boston and Watertown, Massachusetts! All the while, the indoctrinated masses cheer this bullshit on with chants of undeserved praise, their misplaced patriotism falling at the feet of what is, in all honesty, a long-dead country that was sold-out to the highest bidder(s) years before they were even born.
 
 Thank god for the 200,000+ soldiers and police that put there lives on the line to apprehend a single 19 year old kid! This wasn't an unnecessary display of power or anything. 200,000+ wasn't overreacting. Shutting down an area inhabited by roughly 7 million people isn't a victory for the terrorists or anything. It is completely out of the question to think this might have been a test-run for a potential collapse of society that would necessitate the government to enact an all-out totalitarian government to retain its control. Not like the country hasn't been on a downward spiral towards this for decades or anything like that.....

Nope, nothing alarming in this picture whatsoever. A militarized police officer sitting in a tank aiming a gun at a citizen isn't offensive in the least bit. That citizen deserved it for daring to take a picture from the window of their own home. Nothing to see here. Carry on. Shun the conspiracy theorists! How dare they ask questions, even on a rhetorical basis! How dare they think outside the box! It might pop our bubble of blissful ignorance.