Sunday, March 24, 2013

Fleshlights (And Why They Should Have Preceded Dildos)

Well I'll be damned, Walgreens. You've actually enticed me to purchase something at one of your derelict, rundown, unkempt stores. Many are still astonished that Walgreens was able to outlive Ames. Personally, I still cry myself to sleep every night as I reflect upon Caldors. (I pluralize Caldor, that's right. That's just how I remember the name. Fuck you.) But despite Walgreens unjustifiable existence.....they've completely erased my unintentional disregard of said existence, with just ONE revolutionary product. With just one revolutionary product, with one AMAZINGLY low price.
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Walgreens has fleshlights for less than $10.
  Let me save you the trouble, readers...
http://www.walgreens.com/storelocator/find.jsp
 
 Here's a few choice pieces of text from these pages I found particularly amusing.
 
"With a realistic hymen"
"Pop her cherry!"

 "Slip it in!"
"!Not sold in stores"
 
  Aw man, I can't buy this in the store itself? That's some bullshit. I have this wild theory that I'd literally be the ONLY person to enjoy the experience of purchasing one of these in public. To wait in the line of the most innocent looking cashier and watch her timid reaction to the sole product I journeyed to Walgreens for. I have no doubts that the public purchase of the "Doc Johnson Palm Pal" would be a much darker one for literally anyone else.
 
Most folks would stumble awkwardly up and down each aisle, feeling inceasingly more self-conscious and embarrassed as each torturous minute passed. Instead of simply asking a Walgreens employee; "Excuse me, good madam/sir, but where do you keep your pocket pussies?" the sheepish customer would continue their labored jaunt for the better part of a half-hour, their mind racing in a lust-filled daze. Finally, the poor bastard stumbles upon it - the holy grail for manual male masturbatory miniatures - an affordable fleshlight. Looking up and down the aisle, terrified at the thought that some random stranger he will never see again will remember him as "That creepy pervert browsing for $8 sex toys in an unkempt Walgreens," the poor son of a bitch waits until an opportune time arrives, and then snatches his prize quick in a frenzied fashion. From this point on would arrive the inevitably horrible experience of plopping this boxed plastic vagina mold down on the counter, and feeling all remaining shreds of his dignity float away on the dying winds that were once his self-confidence.
 
Me, I'd have the opposite experience. I'd walk towards the Walgreens wearing my Sundays best, whistling an upbeat, optimistic tune with fervent delight, literally brightening the very aura and atmosphere of the parking lot with each step I took. I'd hold open the door of the store for an elderly woman on my way in. I'd greet the resident Walgreens crack addict as I walked by the counters towards the aisles. I'd find my desired item of purchase, the plastic pussy I've been waiting my whole life for, and let out an exaggerated sigh of relief. A young couple with their child would be walking by, and I'd smile at them broadly, saying something along the lines of

 "Wonderful day to be buying a pocket pussy, isn't it?" 

The couple would shield their childs ears, and usher him away with disgusted expressions on their faces. Then I'd make my way up to the counter, cock swinging majestically at half mast, semi-hard and semi-flaccid, just twitching in anticipation of penetrating the sweet "realistic hymen" of the Virgin Palm Pal. The store clerk, a young woman in her late teens, would catch sight of my healthy pud, gasping at its size and blushing slightly as her slit moistened at the thought of being penetrated. I'd plop down my prize proudly, as the cashier would meekly ask,

"Is this all, sir?" 

I would answer her with much gusto and enthusiasm, "Yes ma'am, this pocket pussy will be it!" I'd emphasize the words POCKET and PUSSY with great pride and satisfaction, as the people in the store shake their heads in disgust, and as the couple from earlier are forced to shield their childs ears and eyes once again, muttering curses and racial slurs under their breaths. Then I'd retreat to my living quarters...and I'd make sweet, sweet hate to that minge mold all night. I'd make love to it until my dick was bruised and beaten, completely spent of ejaculate and baby batter.
 
 It would actually be hilarious to go and buy one of these. Do it half drunk, so you're slurring your words and reek of whiskey. Drunkenly berate the cashier when they give you a look of disgust. "What, what's the big deal? A huge, 18 inch double ended dildo is socially acceptable but a pocket pussy gets looks of scorn and contempt? FUCK YOU, PRUDE!" Then you'd rip open the box, pull out the Palm Pal and start vigorously thrusting into it right there in the store, stopping only to vomit on the person behind you in line. With your dick. And your mouth.
 
Seriously though, what's the big deal about fleshlights? They seem every bit as reasonable as dildos, which are such an accepted part of society at this point, the term is actually used to insult people. You're 100% more likely to hear someone get called a "Dildo" than you are to hear some get called an "uncleaned fleshlight." Women using dildos and vibrators are accepted behavior. But fleshlights...fleshlights automatically make you a loser. They're even less socially accepted than sex dolls. Because the semi-necrophiliac sensation of fucking a lifeless sex doll should be far more mainstream than what is basically the male equivalent of a dildo. Right.

  
I'd say fleshlights should be far more socially accepted than dildos. Think about it - dildos only make the vagina wider. Fleshlights, on the other hand, improve the stamina. Your dick doesn't shrink if you stick it in a fleshlight. But I assume a vagina will be stretched by constant dildo use.

Hell, I'd wager fleshlights have been around for less time than anal beads.
And to me that is just disturbing. ANAL BEADS have no purpose in civilized society. They're awkward for either sex to use, and aren't replacing natural sexual functions. A fake penis or a fake vagina? Makes perfect sense - make products that replace the actual sexual organs. But where the fuck would the necessity of "anal beads" come into play when discussing human instinct? Mimicking the sensation of taking deer shits? (You know, when instead of one or two healthy logs you poop out a bunch of little poop nuggets instead...'deer shits.')

 
Fleshlights seem far more important to society than both anal beads and dildos. Think about it - fleshlights prevent more unnecessary breeding. The world has too much babies as it is; enough with these stupid fucking teenagers spawning more of their unnecessary children. Hell, I've even noticed a new trend - that some shitty dad will actually impregnate various women before they hit their mid 20's. What a dick. What a selfish piece of shit. You already have ONE child to manage, now you have to spread your retard seed even further to additional women? FUCK YOU, buddy. And the same goes for women. I actually used to know this one girl...a MILF, if you will, as she was smoking hot and already had a child...and this stupid bitch STROVE to be impregnated. I mean she strove to be impregnated in socially dangerous ways. This cunt was crazy enough to actually try to trick the various men she was sleeping with to bust in her and impregnate her. She was trying to trick them into providing her with another child. Again, what a fucking cunt. TAKE CARE OF YOUR FIRST CHILD, YOU JACKASS. Stop producing more children from more sources, there's too many fucking babies and there's too many fucking idiots producing said babies. That's why they all seem to have multiple babies with multiple partners. But I digress...back to dildos.

  Dildos aren't preventing shit. Women in the range of "smoking hot" all the way to "moderately unattractive" don't have to put in any effort whatsoever to get fucked. So the dildos aren't stopping women from getting pregnant. And anal beads.....the only thing anal beads are preventing are self-dignity and self-respect. But the fleshlight...if the fleshlight was a more accepted part of culture, a socially acknowledged "tool" that is part of the evolution of 'sexuality,' it would stop thousands of men from wasting their time on sluts. Sluts who are just using them for their money. It would even out the playing field considerably, and maybe we'd see less of these 16 - 25 year old idiots breeding more idiots into this already desperately retarded world. And then for some reason breeding AGAIN with NEW partners, as if to see how many shitty people they can generate themselves.
    

  
In conclusion, fleshlights > anal beads, dildos, sex dolls, and in most cases (with this shitty generation) even girlfriends. I'd say 'fleshlights,' 'palm pals' and any other variation of a 'pocket pussy' are scorned by people who lack the testicular fortitude to realize the true worth of the product. Basically, unless you have a shitload of money....in which case you can effortlessly fuck all the vain, mindless sluts you want....the $7.99 for the Palm Pal is far more worth spending than all the pain and frustration of entering a shallow relationship with one of the indoctrinated princesses of our lost generation. So when you can't find any damsels in distress due to daddy issues with low enough standards to let you smash and dash, your best bet is a Palm Pal for those cripplingly lonely nights you remember how unappealing you are to anything but sluts. And by sluts I'm referring to 99% of this generations female population, as a stark comparison to the 99% of retarded frat boys of this generations male population.

Fuck having friends and a social life, all I need me is a Palm Pal and an internet connection.


 

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