Thursday, February 14, 2013

Crappy Valentines Day (Guide To Staying Single)

Afternoon, faithful readers. How are all you love-sick little pieces of shit doing? Great, I expect? I hope you're great, you overly vocal assholes. Hope you're enjoying this corny little holiday and showing your girl you appreciate her with some jaw-breaking cunnilingus. Speaking of corny, you could even move your tongue just a few centimeters lower and poke her corn-hole too. It is Valentines Day, after all. Show her you love her by tonguing her asshole.

That's right, why not show your girlfriend your love physically - instead of being lazy and going the uninspired route of buying her flowers and chocolates? Hell, why not HIRE ME to perform oral on your girl for you? You can even pay me in the chocolates you bought for her, since I got the munchies something fierce. I don't think munching on rug alone will satisfy my munchies entirely. (I also take sisters / cousins / mothers /aunts / grandmothers as clients as well, but that is slightly less relevant today. Here, just take my card, and reference me to friends.)

I've had bad relationship luck over the years. Not just with girlfriends, potential girlfriends, slutty fuck buddies, and one-night-stands. I've also had bad luck with friendships, mutual acquaintances, and bands. And I think I've finally figured out why.....in the 6th grade, I broke numerous chain letters.

GOD DAMMIT, I SHOULD HAVE NEVER BROKEN THAT CHAIN LETTER 10 YEARS AGO THAT TOLD ME I'D HAVE 13 YEARS OF BAD LUCK IN RELATIONSHIPS IF I BROKE THE CHAIN! BUT I DIDN'T LISTEN! AND NOW MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES!

WELL, NOT EXACTLY IN SHAMBLES, I'M ACTUALLY QUITE CONTENT WITH LIFE AT THIS POINT. IN FACT, "MILDLY DISCONTENT" WOULD BE AN EXAGGERATION.......
BUT FOR THE SAKE OF COMEDY, LET ME EXAGGERATE AND DISTORT MY ACTUAL OPINIONS, THEN PAINT AN EXTRAVAGANT PICTURE WITH WORDS AND CRAPPY PAINT.NET IMAGES.

That's right, readers. It isn't my abrasive personality, satirical pretentiousness, unpopular opinions, insatiable need to voice said unpopular opinions, dark sense of humor, lack of career/consistent employment, lack of direction in life (beyond wanting to play music in some capacity), my obsession with writing comedy, or my constant crafting of the most epic music I possibly can at the expense of peoples attention spans.

It isn't my disdain for popular culture, the fact I routinely call random people "sheep" for having slightly different opinions than my own, or because my entire Facebook feed is full of trolling and jimmie-rustling rhetoric, which translate directly into "PUSSY REPELLANT" for your average, thick-bodied American slut.

It's not because my appearance is basically a mixture of a dread-locked Jesus, with a hint of Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones, a dash of Snake Plissken, whisper of Aragorn, and half tablespoon of Chuck Schulinder (when clean shaven) meets El Duderino from the Big Lebowski.

(In other words, I look like every other guy with long hair and a beard.)

Nope, none of that is relevant. It's all because I broke that god damn chain letter.

 
 
I could go the cliche route, at this point, and point out that Valentines Day is just a corporate scam used to trick loving couples into spending money on each other one day out of the year. I could then elaborate on this cliche and suggest the best couples recognize Valentines Day as the corporate creation that it is, and that these 'enlightened' couples celebrate their love daily already - presumably with ridiculous, mind-blowing room-to-room sex, as opposed to cringe-inducing, public Facebook conversations. I could go this route, and I will go this route, but only in an indirect manner, at which point I will move on to something more interesting but even less original.
  
Anyone else feel like Kim Jong Il every year?
   
 
So this year, instead of being that one douchebag on Facebook that intentionally voices bitter status updates about couples to trash Valentines Day like a hipster on their period, I've decided to use my (lack of) social skills for the powers of good....or evil, depending on who's reading.....and give you a list of ways to remain single.

 
SWEET FUNKY FREEDOMS
"HOW
TO STAY SINGLE"

 
1) SHOWER (rarely)
 
The first item I'll touch upon is showers. If you're taking a daily shower, this has got to stop. Seriously, brah, what's going on with the daily shower thing? You trying to get laid, or something?

The only times it's acceptable to shower is once a week.....after every third work-out.....or in the event that you shart your pants after drinking your morning coffee. In the event that you shart your pants drinking your nightly chocolate milk, then who gives a fuck? Just sleep in your own filth and MAYBE take a shower when you wake up, before your morning coffee - if you're up for it, that is.
  
2) HAIRCUTS

 
You now that monthly haircut you love getting? Skip it. Skip the monthly hair cut, and then skip it again...41 more times. Long hair on males these days isn't exactly socially acceptable. Medium-length bull-dyke emo hair-cuts died unnaturally jet black, on the other hand, seems to rile up this shitty generation of Beyonce inspired pirate-hookers. But long, Conan the Barbarian-esque viking locks? That shit just ain't gonna get you tail.
  
It is suggest by scientific studies that long hair is actually additional sensory output into the world, and that the longer ones hair, the more heightened is their "sixth sense." And I'm not talking about the crappy M Night Shamalynanlawn movie, I'm talking about everyones "JEDI" sense. Like knowing when someone is about to sneak up behind you, (BRB, gotta kill the Ninja sneaking up behind me) or like when you think about someone and they call you 20 seconds later. Yea, THAT SHIT....the Jedi/Sith sense.
   
 3) HAVE UNPOPULAR OPINIONS
  
Not only are you going to nourish and nurture your unpopular opinions, you're going to take them to the most logical extreme you possibly can....then push them even further. That way, not only will you offend people with your opinion itself, but you'll start irritating people for just having the testicular fortitude to consistently piss people off without giving a fuck.
 
You want people to HATE YOU, not just YOUR OPINIONS. If you get particularly good at this particular art, you can actually mold peoples opinions, getting those with weak convictions to actually change their own views and morals, just so that they don't align with the ones you vehemently share. Only a true master Jimmie Rustler can rustle jimmies enough to give people counterfeit epiphanies.
   
4) POINT OUT UNSPOKEN TRUTHS
   
You think my Cultural Cancer articles, pointing out the fallacies of logic prevalent in modern culture, have me knee-deep in moist, quivering activist gash? I fucking wish it did. You think the 'classy' women of my generation are frothing at the loins when they hear me point out how slutty, clueless, and manipulative they all are? Of course not.

Listen, I embrace your sluttiness, like I said in Cultural Cancer Part 2. And I wish you'd slut it up more in my direction. But I'm not gonna dumb myself down and act like "Situation" from Jersey Shore, or like some retarded wigger faggot who wishes he was Lil Wayne, just to have a slight chance at sharing your herpes with you. Sorry, skanks, I have higher standards and await my nerdy Goddess with low self-esteem.

 
And by nerdy Goddess, I mean those girls that weren't the hottest girl in class, so they actually focused on educating themselves, and blossomed into smoking hot librarians a year after graduating high school, so they don't even realize they're hot. So because they weren't worshiped in high school, they developed GOOD TASTE and an ACTUAL PERSONALITY and thus now have no idea how much of a catch they really are. Come to me, my nerdy Goddess, and I'll tongue your asshole on our anniversary next Valentines Day.
   
4B) REFER TO WOMEN AS "GASH"
 
Seriously, I think the term "Gash" is far more derogatory than uttering "Cunt" 15 consecutive times, or even yelling slam pig at your ex as loud as you possibly can - at her Wedding. "Gash" is just vulgar. Only bikers can get away with using this term and still get laid.
 
5) STOP CARING ABOUT MONEY
 
Money is pointless. "Yippee, I just wasted 40 hours of my life last week so that I can buy a loaf of bread, have the gas to make it to work, and pay off 1/4th of my 18 weekly bills. MONEY IS AWESOME!"
 
Stop caring about money. Stop making money. Stop relying on the concept of finances to dictate your entire life, personality, and motivation. Break free of the cultural shackles of debt and indentured servitude and become your own person. Nothing dries up vagina faster than an indifference to cash. While, that besides being indifferent to cash while also simultaneously having actual convictions.
 
People hate originality and individualism. It makes them feel inadequate  when they realize how generic they are, and thus they attack those original individuals by calling them "Weird" or "Crazy" or "Mentally Deranged." Originality is a big no-no in this world. So keep regurgitating everything the TV tells you, and keep listening to what the Radio tells you to listen to if you wanna get laid, weirdo.

There is an exception to the orginality rule. If you are original, you CAN be appreciated and loved by all, but only if you die tragically young. If you're talented, unique and innovative, and then die tragically young, you'll be hailed as a "Genius before your time" and a bunch of unoriginal assholes will then construct a foundation of shittiness off of your posthumous legacy of innovations.
 
 CONCLUSION
 
So, readers, I hope you've learned today how to remain disgustingly lonely and single. This brief, 5 bullet-point guide is merely the tip of the "Forever Alone" iceberg. And if you don't believe me, if you think I'm just lying, ask yourself this -
 
If the writer of Sweet Funky Freedom was getting consistent pussy, would he have written 37 articles
last month, or a 37+ minute song in the last 3 weeks?

Of course I fucking wouldn't have. I'd be way too busy tonguing the shit out of some clit right now if I could be. But instead of getting to sneeze cream-cheese from my dick into a sleek, tight crevice on this fine Valentines Day...instead of shooting my gooey wad onto the tribal tramp stamp of some bar-slut I haphazardly stuck my unsheathed monster of dick into......I'm writing this forced "V-Day" article. And later on, probably finishing up more work on a 37+ minute song. And then after that, probably masturbating with my own tears as lubricant. FUCK! I hate being single and talented.

 
Oh well, back to the crippling, self-loathing loneliness of having actual goals in life beyond getting my dick wet or becoming a slave to the rat race and sinking years of my life into some job I hate. My Olivia Munn / Jessica Alba / Alyssa Rosales will find me................................some day.
 
Hopefully that's tomorrow. And hopefully she's into yoga.
 



  

Sweet Funky Fact: If you abbreviate "Happy Valentines Day" it sounds like an STD.

"HVD"

1 comment:

  1. Get daily ideas and guides for making THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS per day ONLINE totally FREE.
    SUBSCRIBE NOW

    ReplyDelete

If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.