Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Troll Hunting (Part 7)

It's about time someone got fed-up with my bullshit on Facebook. In fact, I'm surprised I haven't been called out more frequently on Facebook in the past year. 2012, for me, was 20( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and I tried to rustle up as many jimmies as I could throughout the year. But this one came completely out of left field.

Our journey begins about 20 hours ago, on my Facebook page, with a particular status update.

Now when Fran posted "Gandu," I didn't know what the fuck it meant. I assumed it was an insult I didn't quite understand that somehow related to the term "Namaste." As a result, I figured "Dali Llama" was a suitably ridiculous response.

 Fran seemed determined to make a fool of me in his response....

"Gandu his a Hindi word"
What the fuck does that even mean? Of course he was attempting to make me look stupid by pointing out that "Gandu IS a Hindi word," as if I wasn't capable of conducting a 30-second Google inquiry to 'research' his initial statement.

He was likely trying to point out that a Dali Lama reference wasn't relevant to the discussion at hand, what with the Dali Lama being of Tibetan Buddhist origin, while Gandu and Namaste are of Hindi origin. Namaste, Gandu, Dali Lama...they're all practically the same word, as far as I'm concerned, when used in the context of simplistic lampooning and verbal tom-foolery. But apparently, this concept was lost on Fran, who then went on a verbal tirade defending his vast, extensive knowledge of Hindi culture afforded to him from his manager, who is from India, and his co-workers, a "shit ton of drivers from napal."

 That's my standard go-to defense in these situations - going Full METArd. It's important I make it very clear that while people will likely get offended by my Facebook alter-ego, it isn't intended to be taken seriously. At the same time, I like to add a hypocritical layer of petty, condescending insults to illustrate how far I'm willing to go to drag BOTH of our egos through the septic tank and into the sewer before we're done arguing. Usually it is this point in the argument - when I go full METArd, that things either dissipate entirely or escalate exponentially. See usually, at this point, the person attacking me personally because I attacked something else satiricaly from a point of indifference tries to back-out at the least second, claiming they're merely "trolling" me.

 Well, I'm sure you are sorry you're not "John of the Shred." Because that nickname would be copyright infringement. You can't just add an "h" to my name and think you'll get away with it all willy-nilly.

Now at this point, a second friend chimes in, pointing out some solid words of wisdom. I then go on a third mini-rant, to fan the fires of the argument with the intention of creating enough material to pad out an entire article on this very blog. I succeeded, bitches.

And now the mood changes. While I imagine "pouring grammar" doesn't provide lucrative income, I know for certain that articles for my website provide lucrative hits, and the general vibe of the conversation switches entirely to that of self-awareness on both ends of the debate after I point out my end-game in this flame war. (Hint: You're READING through the end-game right now.)

 Now that Fran gets the joke, it's hard to carry on under my persona of "Pretentious Internet Asshole" without breaking character just a little bit to point out the absurdity of the entire pointless argument. Although I'm still not entirely sure if he's trolling me or being serious when he claims to think I'm upset, or how he mentions the mutual friends we share don't think he's "All that bad." I never said you were all that bad, bro, I have absolutely no problem with you. But I will always vehemently defend myself and my outlandish opinions whenever they come under scrutiny by people who seemed to miss my joke entirely when they choose to personally attack me. Now the same exact rules apply to those who troll me - I'm gonna troll back, so whether or not this is a legitimate flame-war or a troll-off is irrelevant, my methods of "ego-defense" will remain exactly the same either way.

But we couldn't end on a sappy note like that, could we? This is "Sweet Funky Freedom," not the "Cheerfully Optimistic Outcomes." I noticed an opportunity to reignite the rivalry, and went for it.

 Using the same quote that started the argument...."Namaste Brah"....right after the argument was decided concluded..."Sounds good. Ill ttyl dude" I completely revitalized my original presence as a pretentious internet douchebag.

Now I'm not gonna split hairs and try to get inside the head of another douchebag, like I mentioned in one of my comments. I've got far too much douchiness and weird sex fetishes floating around my brain as it is, I don't need to add someone elses erratic thought patterns into the mix. I doubt that Fran was trolling me in his first initial statements - his jimmies had been successfully rustled, and this is proven by the fact he removed me from his friends.

Incidentally, when he finally understood the point I was making when I went full METArd......that my entire internet persona is a cover-up of having no friends, no job, and no life......he tried to smooth things over and add me back as a friend. But I decided to hit the "Not now" option - he'll need to take a time out in the corner for the time being. And because my profile is completely open to the public - literally ANYONE can make comments on my stuff, even people that aren't friends of friends - he can still see me post this article to my Facebook and laugh accordingly at me laughing at both of our absurdity.

The conversation has since fizzled out, and I assume
that is because Fran has a life outside of blogging, troll hunting, and arguing on Facebook - but he didn't end the conversation without posting one more image that set me up for yet another poorly realized zinger.

Here is the image he posted to me to end the flame-war:

 And here is the image I decided to make in response to his image.


Just like with FuckedYouFucker in "Troll Hunting (Part 5)," this flame-war ended with amicable self-awareness on both sides of the spectrum. And that is the necessary conclusion a Sweet Funky Freedom Troll Hunt © needs to reach to be deemed successful.

Or just me making the other person look like an asshole. That's an alternate scenario that I would consider as a successful concluson to a 
Sweet Funky Freedom Troll Hunt ©. This is what happened in Troll Hunting (Part 1), (Part 2), (Part 3), and (Part 6). Troll Hunting (Part 4) was a complete failure, on the other hand in that I was blocked, and never got to see the results of my button-pushing. Oh well.



  1. Replies
    1. We ended up ending this argument with "Friendship" instead of "Fatality."

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