Monday, January 7, 2013

Things Music Festivals Can Do Without


Chicks Under 18

Seriously, some of these 16 - 17 year old girls strutting around at the music festivals these days...are you trying to get us all busted? Sending out smoking hot pieces of trim wearing next-to-nothing, their titties and asses all juiced up from the growth hormones and estrogen in all the milk they's torturous. Isn't there enough shit to get arrested for at a festival already? Throwing horny jailbait, rolling their tits off and too wasted to walk a straight line or cite the alphabet forwards into the mix is just bad planning....especially with the rest of us, the zombie-like herd of horny, dreadlock-haired wooks and all those metrosexual raver kids.....surely it isn't seem the best of ideas.

Alternatively, we should have these sexy females wear little stickers on their breasts, revealing their age on it. It's a win-win; we can avoid getting jail-time for smashing the delicious jail-bait, but we'll still also have an excuse to look at their jail-bait-tits. The stickers will let me know that I'll have to be extra discreet as I retreat to the luxury of my $50 Wal-Mart tent with the beautiful, youthful festival vixens. 

"16 and 17, you say? So that would add up to 33? Guess you're combining into a cougar for the night, ladies."

Alternatively to the alternative, we should just be rid of the archaic "age of consent laws" altogether, or lower it substantially. Listen, government; if you're gonna be spiking all our drinking water and food with female growth hormones, causing these beautiful young ladies to blossom into big-titted sex kittens at younger and younger ages, then the only age verification I should need from these girls to legally grant them voyage on the "Shred Express" should be their drivers permits.


Get with the times, Winger. This one is only 16. Allllll right.

Research Chemicals

ENOUGH with the research chemicals. So many RC's at festivals these days. I actually stay sober at festivals nowadays, with the occasional trip when I'm playing a set or feeling festive. So while the abundance of research chemicals doesn't really effect me personally, that shit still really bothers me. Ever since the heavy saturation of research chemicals on the festival scene, I've started to turn down more and more free drugs.

People at music festival aren't lab-rats.

Sell the kids real stuff, you fuckers. Let them blast off and see the face of god on the real shit, don't try to make money off them while selling out their best interests and treating them like lab rats. 


Generic Music

I don't even feel like going into a generic rant about the generic music you'll find in this generic world. Point is, the best festivals realize that you need to diversify your musical pool. People don't want 17 Phish clones and 24 Dead cover bands. Make sure you pull from all musical pools - hip hop, funk, progressive rock, jamtronica, blues, Jam Band, Reggae...mix it up! The more types of music genres, the bigger the potential audience base, the more exotic and diverse the drugs and women at the show will be. It's a win-win in all scenarios.


 You might now be saying, "But wait a second, shouldn't DJ's fall into the 'generic music' category above?" I understand your confusion. But think about it like this - if I made a list of "Useless Classes," I wouldn't start throwing janitors on a list of teachers, now would I?

Festivals need less button pushers, and more musicians. Or better yet, more button pushers with live musicians jamming with them. I love jamming with DJs; improvising two hours of lead guitar over a bunch of random music I've never heard before while tripping face on mushrooms
, taking mini-set breaks every 20 minutes to rip gaggers of Ketamine. Good times.

Grateful Dead Cover Bands

I love the Grateful Dead. Easily one of my favorite bands ever. But do we really need 15 Dead cover bands at every music festival? Seriously, if Furthur, Phil and Friends, and/or Rat Dog are playing at a festival, there is no need for any other Dead music that weekend. Unless it's Dark Star Orchestra. Limit the Grateful Dead cover bands to one act, unless it's something unique, like a reggae Dead cover band or someone that plays the Grateful Dead in the style of death metal. Now THAT I would want to see.


If you wanna get higher on a drug, shoving it up your ass is not the answer. "But if hits your blood-stream twice as fast, bro!" Yea, but taking twice as much of the drug the old-fashioned way will hit you twice as much. You know, the old-fashioned ways like smoking it, or snorting it, or injecting it, or cutting your forehead open and using a bandana soaked in liquid LSD as a gauze, or literally ANY OTHER WAY besides shoving it in your ass.
"Free if you boof them!"
What kind of sick fucker is going to give away FREE DRUGS as long as the person taking them takes them by shoving them up their asshole? Do these creepy drug dealers have an accomplice with a camera hidden in the nearby bushes? I think they're watching too many CKY films, and missing the joke - we aren't laughing WITH the stars of Jackass. We're laughing at them as they whore their dignity for cash.
Plus, the whole "Free if you boof it" is a misconception, anyway. Just because you aren't paying $15 for those triple-stack "Gs Up Hos Down" doesn't mean you aren't paying for them.

The price of boofing is your dignity.

Here, replace "Goof" with "Boof" and listen to this song. "Boof Troop" is officially my new favorite 'racial slur' against ravers.


So let's recap. We've got 16 year old jail-bait running around, boofing dangerous research chemicals in their bleached teenage assholes, as a barrage of Grateful Dead cover bands, Phish wannabes and Girl Talk play soul-paralyzingly predictable music.


  1. bath salts are so amazing tho why you hatin dawg

    1. Bath Salts ARE amazing; anything that gives people incentive to each each others faces must be an incredible high. That's why they aren't on the list.

      I wouldn't throw Bath Salts under the "Research Chemicals" banner. Most Research Chemicals are supposed to mimic the effects of another drug, but are slightly different on a molecular level so the cops can't bust you for having them. Bath Salts are just...well, Bath Salts.

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