Sunday, January 20, 2013

The Facebook Revolution

Ah, Facebook. The internets most accessible means of remaining "socially active" with family, friends, mild acquaintances, and enemies while one hibernates for 7 month stretches of time in their room, stewing in the smell of stale marijuana smoke, overwhelmingly onion-esque body odor, and their own mediocrity.

It arguably all started with Myspace, one of the very first websites to dedicate itself to interpersonal interaction. I remember at first how Myspace was shunned by most of society. "What, meeting people online? Interacting socially on the internet with a bunch of people from around the world, without a disguise of anonymity like in AOL Chat Rooms or poorly designed message boards? What are you, a fucking nerd?"

Myspace certainly had humble beginnings. I remember specifically being the first of my friends to sign up for an account. A few of us were hanging out, partaking in some underage drinking and the smoking of overpriced mid-grade, when I convinced them in, my stoned stupor, that we should sign up a doppleganger Myspace account, just to see what all the fuss was about. So the three or four of us crowded around a computer and signed up for Myspace with some ridiculous, blatantly farcical monicker to scope out the landscape. Surprisingly, we were sold.

See, my compadres and I quickly realized that TONS OF BITCHES were already on Myspace, and that you could find these TONS OF BITCHES by searching "within 5 miles" of your location, and setting the search parameters to fit your needs.

GENDER: Female
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single
 DIGNITY LEVEL: Slut With No Standards And An Addiction To Cock
Within: 25 miles of (insert zip code here) 

W
e all literally had accounts the next day, complete with ridiculous "Xx________xX" and "_______6x9" usernames. As time passed, and as Myspace grew in popularity, the landscape of the internet began to change dramatically. New social networking sites sprung up almost immediately, trying to ride the coattails of Myspaces success to become the next big thing on the internet.

Myspace was, as far as I can tell, the first modern, mainstream social network of its kind. It literally gave way to Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr....every social networking site that is currently poisoning the minds of the youth who are too stupid to not take these retarded websites seriously....it all started with Myspace. Me, being both a nerd and a reclusive cynic, loved the fact that now I had a website I could chat and bullshit with my friends without leaving the comfort of my room.

"Sweet, now me and my amigos can talk shit to each other through the internet, and I don't even have to waste my gas or share my weed! And not only that, but I can even find girls willing to sleep with me based on a few uploaded pictures of me flexing with my shirt off holding a guitar like some douchebag. This is perfect! The lazy mans way of being social - I can listen to Iron Maiden all day and hit on random bitches I don't remember from Middle school from the comfort of my bedroom!" 

It was like a Message Board I could post on without being embarrassed to admit socially. "Yea, my username is SLAYERISSPEEDMETALYOUKUNT over at the Metal-Rules message board."
That isn't exactly a statement one should make in public unless they are attempting to further alienate themselves. Not since AOL (god damn fascists they were) had an online platform had it been so easy to simultaneously waste hours of the time on the internet while interacting socially with people you know from school and work.

Eventually, Facebook brutally beat down Myspace, raped it's twitching body, and took its seat as the king of online social networks. Not only was Facebook a rip-off of Myspace, but apparently Mark Zuckerburg even stole the stolen idea; his friends basically said "Lets make Myspace for College students!" Marky Mark quickly stole this idea, ended up taking complete credit for conceiving it, and made billions of dollars in the process. (This large sum of cash was likely introduced when Marky Mark sold the site to the CIA, who stabilized the foundation and started to use it as a data-mine.)

IN FACT, I am actually of the belief that Myspace was purchased by people who then intentionally ran it into the ground to supplement Facebooks steady rise in popularity. I also am of the assumption that they attempted the same exact thing when Google+ was introduced; they kept introducing new "changes" to Facebook to piss people off, like the "Timeline," hoping people would eventually say "FUCK THIS BULLSHIT" and be herded (like the sheep they are) over to Google+. But it never panned out, and people are still riding the Facecock.

I think since Google+ has such a shitty interface, this transition never took place; it just wasn't user friendly enough. It's too clunky. So instead of herding everyone away to Google+, Facebook became increasingly less geared towards social networking and more geared towards being a blatant infringement on peoples privacy, internet anonymity, and dignity. Every time they update the terms of use, users of the website lose a bit more of their souls. (Yes, I have a Facebook page, but I'm not worried about being on Facebook because I didn't have a soul, or even a shred of dignity to begin with. I think I lost my soul when I saw "Cool As Ice" as a child, and all shreds of dignity when I started this blog.)

Now that brings us to the Facebook Revolution I speak of in the title of this article. The latest change-up in Facebook policy is the most blatant they've ever gotten in revealing their intentions on crafting a figurative internet-dystopia.

 
Precise GPS location? Really? Don't the Androids and Iphones track what people are doing enough as it is? Now people need to sign over their privacy even further, literally being tracked from multiple locations? It's safe to assume, in this day and age, that you are being watched by at least several people at all times. And it is also safe to assume, that at least two or more of these people are masturbating as they watch you. That's why I put a little piece of black tape over my webcam when I'm not using it. Which is literally never.


If I owned a smart phone, I wouldn't even bring it into the bathroom with me, because I'd feel too uncomfortable taking a shit while someone was watching me through my phones tiny, 3 megapixel camera-lense. It's difficult taking a dump when people are in the next room having audible, slightly muffled, idle conversation. It's much more difficult to take a dump knowing government officials are watching you through your phone and can hear the sounds of your brown butt babies splashing excitedly into the toilet. If shit can be described as "excited," it is safe to assume we are talking about Taco Bell shits. But I digest.

The Facebook Revolution is simple, really. Let me break it down for you:

PROBLEM
Facebook is gonna constantly monitor what we say, how we think, what pages we like, our political affiliations, what we ate for breakfast, and what ex-girlfriends we want to stalk. They're gonna take note of how we remain on aforementioned ex-girlfriends profile picture for uncharacteristically long periods of time because we're hate-fapping to their pictures. This isn't gonna happen, this is already happening. All rights to privacy, self-dignity and your soul are whittled away with each status update, uploaded picture, and each self-like you commit to your shitty opinions you posted on Facebook.

SOLUTION
Turn Facebook into a wasteland of intentional retardation. (It already is a wasteland of retardation, but we need to turn up the volume and start doing it with self-awareness.)

Now while Facebook already technically is a wasteland of retardation, I am implying we not only refine our banal observations and indirect shit-talking. I'm suggesting we turn these amps up to 11 and literally cause all the letter agencies who monitor Facebook to go deaf from the stupidity. Corporations can apparently lift anything they want from Facebook and use it as their own, eh? Time to start uploading intentionally self-degrading pictures that are obviously satirical in their attempt to undermine the importance of acting "socially acceptable" on a social network.

I actually started this revolution in late 2011 when I turned my Facebook into a ridiculous smorgasbord of conspiracy theory jargon, self-important ego-tripping, and unbiased trolling. NO ONE was safe. Well, no one besides my older family members - while they are subjected to my ridiculous Facebook shenanigans on their News Feeds on a daily basis, I still treat them with respect, acknowledging that they are from a far simpler time. While they likely don't understand that my comedic musings and intentional self-immolation are the product of being part of a younger generation who are forced to deal with the sobering reality that the "American Dream" turned into the "American Nightmare" before we were even born - I give them the benefit of the doubt, and do not direct any of my trolling at them. But I'm not gonna censor myself on my own personal page because they missed the joke. But again, I divest.

My latest Facebook ramblings have been stripped of any coherence whatsoever. I am literally going to start rambling like a lunatic and seeing how many people catch the joke. Here is my latest status update:


There, I just laid the ground work on how to make data-mining on Facebook completely irrelevant. It's also a foundation on making Facebook a more interesting, less predictable place. Stop playing Farmvilles and unintentionally making fools of yourselves in the process (who the fuck still plays Farmville? Just buy Harvest Moon you retards) and start INTENTIONALLY MAKING FOOLS OF YOURSELVES. It's so much better. Dissolve the ego by blowing it up like an inflatable dartboard, floating it around and letting people throw ego darts at it.

Viva La Revolucion, bitches!

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