Friday, January 18, 2013

Reality TV: The STD's of Television....Especially Jersey Shore (Cultural Cancer SPIN-OFF SERIES {TTD's part 1})



......(especially Jersey Shore)

You know what the worst type of TV is? Reality TV. I particularly hate shows that document mundane activities and try to add scripted genre. (Basically all the Pawn Star knock-offs.) But before I can focus my hatred laced vitriol specifically at the "Pawn Genre" of Reality TV, I figured I'd give you a brief introduction, detailing the history of this cultural cancer.

The Real World arguably built the foundation of modern Reality TV, which eventually gave way to Survivor, Big Brother, American Idol, and the Bachelor, which all further soldified the popularity of the genre, all doing their part in Satan's plan...pushing the boundaries of the 'genre' in terms of both execution and popularity. But no one could have possibly predicted just how low the bar would be dropped with each new Reality TV show and it's subsequent spin-offs.

Note: While COPS is arguably the first and longest running reality TV series, first airing in 1989, I feel it is a separate entity entirely. It can be labeled as a figurative Godfather of the genre.

See, Reality TV is a specific brand of television. You can feel yourself losing brain cells as you watch it, and you feel a palatable sense of shame and guilt after watching each episode. This overwhelming sense of shame and guilt is  much like waking up hungover and covered in your own vomit, a grotesquely obese woman sleeping next to you who you specifically remember didn't even look good when you were drunk. That times 15.

Not only does the show COPS have much stronger entertainment value than literally every other Reality TV combined, it is also educational. While it is extremely entertaining to watch other people getting busted by law enforcement, it is also a great educational tools on how NOT to deal with pigs. And most specifically, it's also not scripted whatsoever. COPS is the bridge between documentaries and Reality TV. Before COPS, the only "Reality TV" was called DOCUMENTARIES and they were actually fucking REAL.

Once "DOCUMENTARIES" started to inject scripted and/or forced drama into the mix - The Real World - they had officially 'jumped the shark' and became Reality Television. Also known as "The STDs of Television," "Brain Rot," and "Television Transmitted Diseases."

When Real World broke the Documentary mold by introducing scripted elements, thus birthing the entire genre "Reality TV." Much later down the line, conspiracy theorists learned that most politics and journalism for the past few decades could  arguably fall under the "Reality TV" as well. But Reality TV TTD's are curable - just turn off your fucking TV and stop giving these stupid fucking shows ratings. "Politics TTD's" and "Mainstream Journalism TTD's" are arguably incurable, so they're like the AID's and Herpes of Television.

Here's a family tree of curable TTD's. 

This brand new series of Sweet Funky Freedom will define and analyze the various types of Reality TV and try to offer a perspective that isn't usually afforded to this television drama - one of actual (semi)-intelligence.


  1. the cure is to slaughter many many doves and spill blood onto the left side of the altar

    1. Ah, I was using pigeons. That explains why this rash won't go away


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