Sunday, January 13, 2013

No, Internet. STAHP (Sweet Funky Retro Freedom)

Internet memes are hit or miss. Have you ever looked at a meme, and thought to yourself, "Well.....that was all right." No, you haven' either chuckled or shook your head in disgust, the hatred broiling inside. I've seen memes that nearly had me crying from laughter, memes so brilliantly offensive in their simplistic execution. But most internet memes do little more than piss me off and rustle my jimmies. 

There's certain types of memes that inherently can't be funny. In other words, the execution in which these memes are required to "tell their joke" cause the humor to fall flat 100% of the time. For example, "smartphOWNED."

 Did you read that without getting annoyed? Is it possible to read that without getting annoyed? I hope in the process of "Babe" running over "Dumbass" with her car, she killed them both in the process. Or at the very least, they were both sterilized in the attempted vehicular homicide.

Capturing the screen of a text convo in this format always comes across as a staged conversation. And the whole 'Conversation with dog' memes are retarded and fucking annoying. Obviously a dog can't text, so stop making those lame fucking memes. Seriously. Watch Wilfred, and don't even waste your fucking time trying to be more hilarious than that show, because you will most definitely fail.

Here's another example:

You should probably find a new best friend. While it is appreciated when someone is brutally honest in saying "Oh, she's a slut," to immediately follow that with "Yea, I hate autocorrect. That's why I turned it off months ago :)" deserves a swift combination of frenzied kicks to the testicles. Nothing says "I'm a cocksucker" quite like adding a sarcastic smiley face at the end of a mocking, smarmy comment. This dude, your supposed BEST FRIEND no less, is dating a slut, you say? Well why not let him down easier and tell him you heard she slept around on him? Not send him patronizing smilie faces in cell phone text messages? You sure are a shitty best friend.

I mean, you're really gonna be a condescending piece of shit to your friend in light of the fact he chose to date a cock-juggling whore? If I was the "Best Friend" I would have immediately called you out for acting like a cock-sucker after a text like that. And if I felt strongly enough about it, and if i had run out of my seemingly endless supply of weed at the time you sent the text, I'd probably beat the fucking piss out of you as well.

But again, that image looks staged, and I can't help but get the feeling it isn't even real.

THAT BOY is your hero? The boy that didn't get the girl, and instead called her out publicly in a cringe-inducing, limp-wristed fashion years after he was too pussy to be straight-forward and just blatantly ask the girl out? That kid comes across like a spineless faggot to me, after having read that spiel. He didn't even make it funny. If you're gonna put someone on blast on Facebook, by all means, do it VERY PUBLICLY like Toby decided to. He was right in doing it publicly. But his execution screamed "bitch" and he made an even bigger asshole out of himself.

Now if he had tossed in a few holocaust jokes, maybe a dead baby punchline or two, he would have been GOLDEN. It would have showcased the fact that while he was too much of a sniveling little bitch in school, he had now matured / devolved to a level beyond caring what other people think. But instead, the way he worded that, it makes him look like he's still butthurt 5 years after failing to ask a girl out on a date. Nice job, Toby. You're even worse than the whore you failed miserably at wooing. Try being the "dick" next time - girls want more than just the dick between our legs. They want to the 'dick personality' as well.

For some reason, women love getting treated like shit, they love getting choked, they love their hair pulled. My theory is that the feminist movement is distorting gender roles, and women on a subconscious level want to be put into their fucking place. So they gravitate towards the dicks, the masculinity of which far surpasses that of the "nice guy."


Here, let me make a meme of that for you.

Listen readers, I gotta jet. The doctors say my high fructose corn syrup pressure is too high, and that I need to stay calm to lower it. Updating this older article about these terrible internet trends is proving to rustle my jimmies something fierce, so I shall tell the internet to "STAHP" some more on a later date. I must dull my rage with a bowl pack and some Ozric Tentacles.


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.