Sunday, January 13, 2013

I Am Longer Than All These People.... (Sweet Funky Retro Freedom)

Just for being alive at this very moment, 3:10 PM on Sunday, January 13th 2013 - I am longer than the following people:

I was originally going to go with the term "better," but that isn't fair at all. These people could have died in a number of ways that were completely out of their control. Like getting hit by a bus. Or maybe one of them saved a gaggle of puppies from a burning building, ultimately sacrificing their life in the process. 

And any number of those people, I'd assume the majority, if not all of them - probably died with more money in their bank account or wallet than I've made in the past 3 years combined. So I decided to go with "longer" instead of better. We might've lost a cure for cancer or a brain surgeon in those lists - all I am is a crappy writer and a musician that'll never be paid for their craft.

But the hell did I outlast y'all? I drink Coca Cola like water and I drink water like cyanide (Never. I never drink water. I drink a glass of water a month, if that. Fuck off, I'm scared of the fluoride calcifying my pineal gland.) I've lived off junk food, candy, and processed microwaveable goodies like Bagel Bites and Ellios pizza for the better part of my life - although I never seem to gain a pound or leave the 130 - 150 lbs region. I have consistent digestive problems, probably due to the aforementioned diet of unnatural, processed food and excessive amounts of sugar, corn-syrup, and other artificial sweeteners. Or maybe my poor digestive health can be traced to my several year stint of excessive weight lifting, at which point I was ingesting all kinds of supplements. Protein, creatine, gIutamine, multi-vitamins, fish oil, Nitric Oxide, steroids. Actually, scratch that last one, if I was doing steroids I would be able to break the 150 lb threshold I have stared down since the age of 14. Speaking of 14......
I started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes in the 6th grade. I experimented with a high variety of psychoactive substances in my teenage years, enough drugs at this point to never want to take them again. (Besides the occasional trip on mushrooms / LSD / DMT, and daily use of marijuana - medicinally, of course. I have ridiculous insomnia.)

I was addicted to video games as a youth, and probably should have tried to get more sun (and pussy). I watched South Park from the 2nd grade onwards. My mind was steadily warped by the internet, and sites like Newgrounds, since the 5th grade. I've followed two Grateful Dead spinoff acts on tour: The Dead and Furthur, nearly dying on the Dead tour when I got alcohol poisoning in New Jersey, alcohol poisoning so severe I had a seizure, turned blue, and woke up in an ambulance grumpily asking for my cigarette and energy drink I was indulging in before I passed out into my seizure / out of body experience of looking down at my own body in the parking lot of a grocery store in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

 I've gone to a substantial amount of music festivals; I even walked through the Karma-wash backwards at one of them, taking on everyone's bad karma. I can't seem to hold a job, and at this point I can't even seem to find one, besides the temp-work I get in Carpentry. Which is usually just enough money to get me the resources necessary (a bag of pot and new video game) to wait for the next temporary job without going completely insane. (Which I already am.)

RIP to all my fellow November 3rd, 1988ers. You probably deserved to live on a hell of a lot more than I do, so I will do my best to be slightly less awesome and accomplished than you likely would have been if you hadn't died at a tragically young age.


  1. Replies
    1. This is a draft from last July. I originally didn't post it because I figured it would be bad karma to talk ill of the dead, even if the rest of the article was self-burns to even it out. But the "Dead, Dead, Dead" song as a punchline made the entire affair feel a bit less dark, so I posted it.

      I do not remember where I found that chart, or if someone sent it to me, or how that happened.

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If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.