Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Hitting The Gym, Brah

Ah, the gym. No other place is uncomfortable and awkward in quite the same ways as a gym. Literally everything about paying someone monthly to publicly use their workout equipment is retarded. So I thought I'd just point out some random thoughts that come to mind when thinking about the gym, how it is a waste of money and how I'll always prefer lifting weights at home.

First of all, why pay someone else to work out? That's a waste of money and of time. And if you didn't realize it, time is much more valuable than money. What is money, anyway? Little green papers that represent meaningless debt. The most useful purpose a dollar bill serves is as a snorting utensil for lines of cocaine and ketamine. Time on the other is much more than just an epic Pink Floyd song. Time is the currency of the soul. Money is the currency of idiots. (And yes, we're all idiots, including me and you. Don't kid yourself, our species are like the herpes of planet Earth. Which would make Westboro Baptist Church the AIDs of Earth, ironically.)  

Right off the bat, I see a gaping hole in the logic of getting a gym membership - having to pay money to use someone elses workout equipment when you can just buy your own workout equipment with the money you're spending to use someone elses workout equipment. Now there's a gaping hole in logic just waiting to get fisted. (Go get the Crisco.)

 Depending on which gym you decide to go with, the cost of three months of a gym membership could probably get you a bench, barbell, two dumbbells, and about 200 lbs of plated weights. You know how much better it is working out at home than in a gym? Infinitely better. The only setback to lifting at home is you run the risk of getting trapped under that 220 lbs of weight you were benching for reps. But that gives you even more incentive to finish that last rep, you fucking pussy! And even if you do die, at least you went out on top like a champ. (After the barbell crushes your ribcage, you kind of fold over it, so technically at least a small portion of your shattered rib cage ends up on top at the end of it all.)

The only time spending money at a gym seems reasonable is to get the workout shakes after you're done pumping iron. And I'd rather just find a girl with standards low enough  to have sex with me, and just have her blend me delicious shakes after I finish lifting at my home gym.

I don't know about all my readers, but if I had to give up one of my senses, it'd most definitely be my sense of smell. Sight, hearing, touch, taste....all very important and beneficial necessities of life. But smell? Sure, it's nice to smell the crisp smoke of a burning marijuana cigarette. And the post-coitus musk of a sweaty vagina is the smell of champions, the smell of triumph. But life would be far less awkward without the sense of smell. And incidentally, nothing is more offended than ones sense of smell at the gym. It's like 1000's of people ran single-file in the desert for a mile, then dried off under their balls and armpits with the same towel, and this towel is wrung out and dripped slowly into your nose. That plus feet. Lots of feet. As if all the people who ran the mile in the desert, wore the same sock (on both feet) and that was wrung into your other nostril. That's what a gym smells like.

My sense of hearing is also assaulted from various directions in the gym. I mean, first of all, we all know those jackasses who literally SCREAM with every rep. If you really feel the need to scream at the top of your lungs to get that last rep, maybe you should be investing in a home gym instead so you can draw quizzical looks from your cats and German Shepherd instead of, ya knowing, annoying all the other people in the gym who paid money to be there.

A bakers dozen of body-builder screamers aside, nothing is more offensive to the ears than the music that is played in the gym. Is the music supposed to enrage the athletes as they work out? Do they intentionally play the only shitty Beastie Boys song and a bunch of pop to piss people off? Is this meant to inspire us to lift harder because of the rage we feel whilst listening to shitty music? Because it doesn't work for me.

It sounds like logically sound logic when rationalized via text, but in practice shitty music serves as more of a hindrance to ones concentration. Seriously, listening to heavy metal has always been my key to unlocking higher lifts and busting plateaus. (These plateaus go to 11.) If NO-Xplode mixed with cocaine was diluted and strained into a band, that band would be called "Manowar."

I actually used my cell phone as a speaker to listen to music at the gym. I would wrap a bandana around my head to keep the hair out of my face, and one time I went to the gym particularly stoned and decided to wrap my cell phone to my forehead with the bandana. I looked fucking ridiculous - but I was too high to care. I just wanted to listen to Deep Purple while I pumped iron. And I learned a valuable lesson from that  - not only did I get to listen to my music (and look like Rambo with a cellphone tucked under his bandana), but everyone pretty much steered clear of me since I looked crazy for not just using head-phones. The whole Big Lebowski meets Rambo look, cell phone wrapped to my face with a bandana, afforded me space in the gym. Or maybe people really just don't like Deep Purple.

The gym owner even walked up to me before and commented on the Deep Purple. "Deep Purple, huh? I haven't listened to them since I used to drop acid and see them live." Ya know what? if my gym membership money goes anywhere, I really hope it went to his rediscovery of LSDeep Purple.

Most people in the gym aren't cool like that, though. They're either the "YA BRO" college frat boy douchebags, fat chicks that'll one day be hot, hot chicks that will one day be fat, and that one awkward person that follows another person around the gym. You know what person I'm talking about? It's happened to you before if you work out at a gym. That one time, there will be that one person that follows you around the gym? It might not even be intentional, it just seems whenever you go to a machine this person is one machine over? Or a machine across from you, so you are facing each other? Creepy bastards stopped having similar routines to me once I started using my cell phone face speaker tactic to drown out Kelly Clarkson when I lifted. 

The gym is just one awkward moment to the next, if you really think about it. Even right when you get there, you know the second thing you must do. (The first is signing in at the desk, and hoping the hot receptionist is there, as opposed to that other moderately attractive one with slightly smaller tits.) You realize you must brave the dreaded locker room.

While it's not like people are getting raped in the locker rooms (during business hours), but I'd argue it's possible to be raped psychologically in a gym locker room. Seriously, just ask Jeremy Hotz.

(Skip to 5:25)

Why the fuck do people choose not only to get naked in public, but STAY naked in public? Who wants to walk around naked in public? Especially a gym locker room? Sure, I'm proud of how low I hang dong, but that doesn't mean I'll get kicks strutting around a fucking locker room at a gym like a fucking idiot, attempting to strike up awkward conversations with people young enough to be my grand children. Now if I could legally do that in the women's locker room? Just walk around naked, aimlessly hanging dong for a half hour.....I certainly wouldn't have time to be writing this very article, now would I?

Why even bother going to the locker room in the first place? I just arrived at the gym in my shorts, ready to lift, and left in the same clothes, without ever having to set foot on the semen covered locker room floor. I can't be the only person who skipped the locker room in the gym, am I?

Do people really think too highly of themselves to stew in their own body odor for the 15 minute ride home from the gym? They feel they need to take a shower in public before they take a drive back to their house?

I've never understood why they had showers in the gyms at schools. I don't think a single person ever used any of the showers at any schools I've attended. How the fuck would you get time to shower in school? Was there a 10 minute break after each gym class so children could utilize the useless showers in the school locker room? When was that ever a cultural trend? Think about it, you always see that shit in movies. A bunch of dudes walking around in towels, probably picking on a nerdy student or preferably, hot sluts walking around barely covered in towels, slapping each others buttocks with towels and eventually making out under running shower streams. 

 Why the fuck can't people wait until they get home to shower? School isn't the place for showering. (Unless it was with Ms Perry, I'd go back to high school and flunk Social Studies intentionally just to try and get another detention alone with her. I'd definitely shower with Ms Halas too.)

Here's a thought - if you are going somewhere after lifting weights that requires a shower to attend....such as a date or job should probably just hold off on lifting weights, jackass.
So basically, let me sum up what I think of the gym experience.... someone money monthly to use their sweat-covered equipment in their smelly gym, being forced to listen to shitty music while trying to avoid eye contact with the ass cheeks of MILFs running on treadmills in yoga pants and dodging awkward, unnecessary social interactions, both in and out of the locker room. (Then bragging about going to the gym on your Facebook. Before and after going.)
That seems like an awfully accurate description of the gym to me, as far as I remember - because I haven't even had a membership since 2007.
"The Neurotics Guide to Gym Etiquette." 
Home gyms for the win, brahs. Home gyms for the win.


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