Saturday, December 28, 2013

New Music: Upcoming Album!

So I'm readying an album release. Since no one is gonna buy it, just like the last one, I figured I'd stream it all online for free like always.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Fuck Duck Dynasty

Why the hell is everyone in such an uproar over Duck Dynasty? You really care what THIS guy has to say?
If you saw this guy in person and he had no affiliation with a crappy over-hyped TV show, would you take him seriously? Absolutely not. So why take him seriously because he's on TV? Reality stars whore out their reputation, hamming up their dull lives for a chunk of cash. Reality TV is just mediocre, easily produced garbage that mixes elements of documentaries and soap operas.

You know those cheesy documentaries that have the horrible "re-enactments" with campy acting, no sound or dialogue, and actors / actresses completely unrecognizable from the people they are supposed to be portraying? Those have more entertainment value than this new "Mundane Career Reality TV." It's like they're trying to socially condition people to be even more dull and brain dead than they already are.

Why the hell do people even watch those shitty reality shows in the first place? Pawn Stars and Storage Wars and Duck Dynasty and Ice Truckers and.....there's dozens of these boring, trivial shows. People getting thrown what I imagine is sizable chunks of cash to cornily dramatize their boring, banal lives. Why the fuck do people watch this shit? Contest Reality TV was always pretty boring if you ask me, but it's gold compared to the Dating Reality bullshit that followed. Then they had whole 'the lives of celebrities' Reality TV bullshit with drugged out Ozzy Osbourne and drugged out Anna Nicole Smith and creepy Hulk Hogan finger fucking his mannish, 8 foot tall daughter.

But now the TV industry is so lazy it'll literally build a reality show out of anyone's shitty life. 

You want some real reality TV of a pawn star? Ask to watch security footage of literally any building. THAT is what reality looks like. Boring. Realistic. Not all dramatic, soap opera-esque and over-acted.

Anyone offended that this Phil Robertson chump spat some anti-gay remarks is missing the bigger picture entirely - that the only offensive aspect of this entire debacle is the amount of outrage over this nonevent.  How dumb is the general public to be offended by something so inconsequential? I bet the government is finger fucking Uncle Sam right behind a thin, see-through curtain while everyone's head is too busy turned and fixed staring into the bigoted face of Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame.

I wonder if any of the idiots offended by his remarks are gonna stop watching the show and boycott it now. Hey jackass, you should have never been watching this trash in the first place.

Reality TV is basically the rape of documentaries.

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanksgiving Sucks

Thanksgiving food needs an upgrade, it's all so bland. Where is the bacon, the lobster, the venison? Seems like the only thing we don't give thanks to on thanksgiving is our taste buds.

 Tradition isn't a good enough reason to subject ourselves to this bland meal every year. Fuck tradition, the historical significance of this holiday is completely unjustified. Why eat the same boring food every year to celebrate horrible events in history? It's on the same level as making September 11th a holiday. The pilgrims breaking bread with Native Americans was basically them saying "We'll trade you these smallpox for all this land."
 We shouldn't need diluted, warped historical relevance to be thankful in our day to day life. And there are very few cultural traditions as warped and diluted as the American tradition of Thanksgiving. Horrible food and tragic history.
Plus, most of the things people are publicly thankful for are things they can brag about. Seriously, go on Facebook and read some of the things people are thankful for. It's not as bad as when people reminisce at New Years on their past year and give you a bullet list of all their mediocre accomplishments that year, but it can be pretty bad.

It's very rare to see people publicly address the things they are truly, deeply thankful for. "I'm thankful my herpes sores weren't visible when I finally got to smash Stacey's slit, and I'm thankful my boss got into a car accident because that guy's a dickhead. I'll be even more thankful if he's paralyzed for life." Most people go with the same old boring crap. "I'm thankful for my family and friends."

No shit, I'm pretty sure most people are thankful for their family and friends. Are you that boring as a person you have nothing intriguing to be thankful for? Being thankful for family and friends is a GIVEN, and if that's all you can think of you must be as bland as the Thanksgiving food itself.

A hippie friend of mine was saying she celebrates alternative Thanksgiving every year; last year they had a pig roast, this year they had 40 lbs of lamb. See, that's what I'm fucking talking about. No need to adhere to the recipes and traditions of murderous dickheads who rocked goofy apparel. Thanksgiving should definitely be a free-for-all with food like roasted pigs and 40 lb lambs, that sounds dank. MIX IT UP. Don't blindly adhere to the traditions laid in place by murderous land thieves; lay your own traditions in place, stand on your own two feet, rely on your own taste buds.

And it shouldn't even be in November anymore, just put Thanksgiving on a random date with no historical 17th. That way, everyone has Thanksgiving leftovers (and not Turkey and squash, I'm talking leftovers of ostrich slim jims and popcorn alligator chunks) for April 20th.

Another friend mentioned it's about the quantity of the food instead of the quality.
That is true, there is a high quantity of food at each Thanksgiving, but I can get quantity food at a Chinese buffet on any normal day, and I can do it without all the forced sentimentality. Doesn't mean I'm gonna make a yearly tradition out of the China buffet, ya know? And at least the Chinee food has a diverse range of tastes; beef teriyaki, crab rangoons, and general tso's chicken all taste very different, yet still complimentary. Thanksgiving food all sort of blends together.

You might as well get an industrial strength blender, stuff in some squash, carrots, potatos, stuffing, and turkey, maybe some pumpkin for good measure, and make a Thanksgiving paste, because all that shit tastes the same - boring.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Richard Harrow Final Scene

In the last week of television....

In the last week of television we've lost Brian Griffin....

....April Powers....

....Kenny Powers....

...Martinez and Shumpert (he actually had a name other than bizarro T-Dog. At least T-Dog didn't die off-screen though)....


.....Clay Aiken...

.....Chaulky Whites hot black daughter.....

........Richard Harrow, god dammit......
I was just googling "Maybelle White death" on Google images, and this hilarious image presented itself:
 Whoever made that must have slit their wrists after watching last nights episode. They couldn't have been more wrong in their prediction. It's almost like the writers saw this image online, it offended them deeply for anyone to make such a wildly wrong and misguided prediction for the show, and they immediately thought to themselves "We need to have Richard Harrow shoot Chaulky Whites hot black daughter in the face. It's the only way."
How about that episode of Boardwalk Empire? That shit was like the Requiem of a Dream for every character. Literally everyone got fucked.
-  John Torrio got gunned down.
- Eli forced to murder the agent trying to use his son as leverage, so he is now forced into hiding. His son is Nucky's new number two, which is basically what Eli never wanted.
- Chaulky White's daughter unintentionally murdered by Richard Harrow.
- Dr Narcissist is now the FBIs bitch and has to refer to the white man as "sir." 
- Gillian stuck in prison.
- Margaret Schroeder goes back to the whore life and starts whoring it up for Rothstein.
- Rothstein is stuck with Margaret Schroeder.
- Richard Harrow shot and dies under the boardwalk. Has disturbingly effecting final dream with a full face.
See what I mean? Everyone might as well be going ass-to-ass with giant black dildos while old Jewish dudes huck wads of $20 at them.

 All that bullshit reminds me of the ending to Requiem for a Dream.

The old lady goes crazy from meth pills.
The black dude is stuck in a racist prison system while withdrawing.
The emo kid loses an arm due to infection.
The chick whores herself out for heroin.


Sorry, hate to post spoilers to such an epic movie in case someone hasn't seen it yet. Can never be too careful about spoiling seminal story beats in cinematic history.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Commercials With Two Punchlines Suck

You ever notice how the corny TV commercials that try to be funny and edgy always try to sandwich their products with two punchlines? That shit is fucking irritating. Usually the commercial will feature some character that does something 'whacky' and 'outrageous,' a quick verbal summary of the product is presented (oftentimes with logo accompaniment), and then the character will throw in an additional quip to the already lame and tired joke. Examples:

If youtube has deleted the video, I'll describe it briefly. Two bitches are working out on faggy stair climber gym machines, watching TV. The white bitch then says to the black bitch, noting the advertisement on the TV, that she was unaware of Geico's policies and tagline. The black bitch goes "Everybody knows that, cracker, is you fucking stupid?" Then the white bitch awkwardly jerks her eyes around like a dickhead as she makes a statement about trees falling in the woods making noise even if no one else is there.

So then it cuts to this tree in the woods with a mouth and it's yelling. We're left to assume this is the only tree in that particular forest with the ability to speak, because this bitch implied that nobody was there. Her statement was that tired "If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, it does make a sound." First of all, if the tree has cognitive awareness then the forest is NOT empty. If a tree is using  speech to communicate, it implies said tree has the ability to hear, thus the tree yelling being the sound the tree makes is a paradoxical example of the "empty woods no sound" quandary.

Second of all, why is this the only tree that is talking? Why aren't the other trees in the forest responding? Is this the only tree in the forest with the ability to speak? If so, who exactly was he talking to? Furthermore, how is this tree undiscovered by the human race? I'm sure hikers of some variety would have stumbled upon it. Are we to believe this tree is instinctively aware of humans greedy and capitalistic nature, giving it reason to intentionally remain silent when said hikers are going past him so he doesn't become a tourist attraction?

What an annoying commercial. As if the awkward white bitch and the self-contradictory talking tree weren't bad enough, we have to deal with multiple unfunny punchlines in a row. "Oh wow, a talking tree! How delightful! Nice punchline! Asking for help in an empty forest! Oh, a second punchline! How generous of Geico! I'll certainly buy their products now!"
I don't rarely watch TV anymore. I pirate the shows I watch right off my computer to directly avoid seeing these cringe inducing advertisements. So I can't think of anymore examples. Feel free to comment below and suggest similar commecials.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Realm of the Rave (Part 3)

December 17th, 2012
(3:17 PM)
The journey thus far has proven quite treacherous. Whilst scaling the peaks of the DNB Mountain today, we encountered all the foes of legend. Seriously. EVERY FUCKING CREATURE the sullen denizens of the Psytrance Tavern warned us about attacked us. Not even far in the journey either, I'm talking within the first fucking hour. One of the Liquid Funk Yetis even raped Gary. Gary killed the LFY with a cleverly placed bass grenade. He then impaled himself on the headstock of his instrument to ease his suffering, as according to the Psychedelic Monk code.
But rape-hungry Liquid Funk Yetti's weren't the only danger on the DNB mountain. The incessant, crisp breakbeats echoing throughout the valley, cracked ice fixtures, causing avalanches every 10 minutes. During one such avalanche a Jump Up Wolf Pack attacked, so like some sort of stereotypical black metal music video we fought off the wolves with our instruments as tidal waves of snow raced towards us. Feeling obligated to feed the stereotype even further,I was playing buzzsaw death metal riffs and our drummer Leopold was killing it with blast beats.
But these accomplishments were nothing but figurative flesh wounds on EDMs broadside, compared to the mortal injury we discovered at the top of the DNB peaks. As we reached the damned precipice of the highest mountain in the range, what we discovered shocked us.

A Macbook stood before us, it's screen lit up with multiple instances of a pirated version of Fruity Loops on screen. Some were speedily dragging LEVELS samples into a DAW. Others were hastily exporting this mindless garbage. The scariest aspect of this....there was no "producer" to be seen. The computer was doing this completely on it's own accord, as if programmed to produce substance-less EDM.


"So glad you could join us," an effeminate voice remarked from the mist just behind the frenzied Macbook. "Impressive work, gentlemen. None but the Psychedelic Monks could make it this far."
 Out stepped the unlikely, but now completely obvious antagonist. It was Nicky Xplosion in all of his untalented glory. And like most stereotypical villains, he proceeded to spell out his entire plan and describe his motivation in detail.
"Ever since I was a child I knew I was different. As long as I remember, this horrible music sampled itself into my brain, guy. And the only way I found I can get the screaming voice of Etta James singing 'Sometimes I get a good feeling' out  of my head was to sample it into music. See, when my mother gave birth to me she was actually dealing with a PLURpes outbreak. She didn't just have DNB, she had full blown Happy Hardcore. Are you impressed by the self-aware EDM that has manifested itself into this Macbook? I call it the Xploit network" 
Our extensive research at ITT Technical Institute was indeed correct. Nicky Xplosion would unwittingly ejaculate his tiny dick into the USB port of a Macbook while listening to Girl Talk and Skrillex mashups. It would then burn the circuity of the Macbook, setting into motion a dangerous computer virus. But only a day later when he started sacrificing MP3's via Vocoders, would the computer malfunction, getting a blue screen of death. Upon restarting the device....EDM would become self-aware. (Nicky Xplosion however, would not.)
And here we were. At the peak of DNB Mountain. The precise antithesis of the Oath of the Order of the Psychedelic Monks was standing before us, gloating about the exploitation and plagiarizing of artwork, jacking his ego off like a homeless person in the park on bath salts, lacking even the slightest sliver of self-awareness. 
Visions of the Post-EDMpocalyptic wasteland rushed to my brain. Imagine 2029 AD if you will... 

Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Russell Brand 'Revolution'

So Russell Brand has been making some ripples. It seems people are either elevating him to legend status or are completely disgusted by the attention his recent interview has been given after going viral. And if you ask me, I think both sides of this argument are wrong.

I wouldn't go as far as suggesting he 'started a revolution' during his recent interview with Jeremy Paxman. And some have been claiming this, despite the fact rhetoric of this particular variety has been prevelent in culture for decades, likely centuries. But I also wouldn't suggest he is an evil socialist puppet either, like the other side of the coin has been. I thoroughly enjoyed and respected what Russell eloquently stated during the interview. This would probably be the tidbit that is pissing off the activists:
“A socialist egalitarian system based on the massive redistribution of wealth, heavy taxation of corporations and massive responsibility for energy companies and any companies exploiting the environment. I think the very concept of profit should be hugely reduced.”
Some of my fellow conspiracy nuts and activist freaks got an extreme case of butthurt, offended most by the use of the word 'socialist.' Certain words seem to trigger such disgust in the community, to the point of sending some of them into tirades and the very black-and-white thinking that is ironically highly reminiscent of political parties. Take the word globalization, for example.
A lot of the members of the activist / conspiracy communities immediately assume that any future case of globalization would lead us to an oppressive, New World Order controlled dystopia. Why would globalization always have to wind up as a negative, though? Is the hope of a world united together in peace working to move forward as a species that far fetched?

Globalization would make complete sense if all the worlds nations worked together cohesively as a planet, unified in its goals of the betterment of the species, the advancement of technologies, the abolishing of prejudice and oppression, the equality of all people from all walks of life. No more "third world" or "first world," just "one world."

It could obviously g
o the other way, of course, with us all getting face-raped by Reptilian shape-shifters in FEMA camps while the elite enact every bullet point on the Georgia Guidestones through devious and dangerous means. But it could also go the other way, with petty wars between nations being abandoned in favor of the necessary pursuit of planetary self-defense against the inevitable future threat of alien beings flying in to mine the DMT from our fluoride soaked pineal glands. Here's a thought...
How about we ignore what blanket terms he uses to describe his ideal political system, and instead listen to the bullet points he uses to strengthen his argument?
  • A massive redistribution of the wealth
  • Heavy taxation of corporations
  • Responsibility for energy companies and any companies exploiting the environment
  • Marginalizing the importance of profit
They all seem like legit points to me.
A system based around warring political parties is so depressingly juvenile. When I hear a person discussing the state of the world, about social reform, I'll usually listen with an unbiased mindset. But when they start using terms like "liberal," "conservative," "democrat," "republican," "far left," "far right," "leftist," they almost immediately lose me, in that it almost invalidates whatever points they're trying to make. Why pigeon hole someone you disagree with a label? Most of these words aren't intended to be used as adjectives. Unless someone self-identifies as a liberal, calling them one in an attempt to trivialize their argument is fucking stupid. Don't attempt to mask the fact you can't debate the points they're making by dishing out tired political-themed insults, you generic asshole.
If you ask me, people of all walks of life, SPECIFICALLY POLITICIANS, need to speak personally, from their own perspective. They need to speak through experience vs. speaking peripheral opinions of whatever political party they choose to self-identify with. They need to stop using political parties and group mindsets to "strengthen" their arguments. They need to speak honestly and from the heart....not deceitfully and from the wallet.
When the conspiracy / activist community starts to ostracize any voice of dissent that doesn't align 100% with their views, it gives me a headache. Maybe you want to live in a peaceful anarchy and disagree with Russell Brand calling for a socialist system....but who cares? He is still calling for change, he is still voicing his discontent on the current government, he is still attacking mainstream media, literally mocking them on live TV. He is on our side of the fight. 
  Now in voicing this opinion, I must also admit I'm being somewhat hypocritical. I absolutely loath Rage Against the Machine, who are arguably also 'on our side of the fight.' But I also think Rage Against the Machine make sophomoric, garbage music that trivializes the voice of activism. Call me crazy, but mediocre angst fueled temper-tantrum rock rap isn't going to topple the machine. Nor do I trust a band who claims to be raging against the machine is actually raging against said machine when they are signed to Epic records. But that's a different discussion for a different day. Back to Russell Brand.
The most far-reaching and, in my opinion, most effective social commentary is usually comedic, satirical, musical, or artistic in nature. Wit, brevity, and artistic expression will always trump hyperbolic aggression. It's detrimental to the activist cause to merely bash people over the head in a condescending fashion, which is why comedy and music are so useful to offset the abrasive realities activists / social commentators are divulging to the general public.

People like Bill Hicks, Doug Stanhope, Douglas Adams, Frank Zappa, John Lennon, Trey Parker / Matt Stone, and others of their ilk have (or had) the ability to better navigate around censorship by 'masking' their messages with golden nuggets of comedy, music, and artistic expression.

That is why Russell Brand is making ripples right now - it's easier for people to relate to the guy making you laugh than it is to relate to the guy calling you a sheep through a megaphone.
I think the biggest reason I actually trust Russell Brand is on the correct side of the fight is because every time I've seen him get interviewed the interviewers attempt to take the piss out of him. It's absurd that the majority of journalists taxed with interviewing modern cultural figures trivialize any sort of dissenting thought. If you notice with these interviews, the dissenters always have impassioned, intellectually driven opinions they attempt to discuss. The interviewer then always goes on auto-pilot mode; acting smugly condescending, diverting the conversation away from the points the dissenter is making. Essentially they shoehorn the entire tone of the interview from an actual discussion to a mockery of whoever they are interviewing.
Look how they treated Ron Paul for decades. The journalists interviewing him never gave him the chance to share his opinion on matters. They manufactured this unwarranted aura of snide contempt for him. Any dissenters....honest politicians (which is practically an oxymoron), comedians who disguise potent social commentary as comedy to get away with it, celebrity activists like Jesse Ventura. They all get mocked by talking head journalists who lack the ability to have an amicable, spirited debate.

And that is why I don't appreciate seeing the same sort of behavior by activists, especially the smart, talented activists who are making waves and busting their asses for our rights. Don't taint the waves you're making, brahs, by balancing on the razors edge of activist and hipster. If you want to marginalize Russell Brands efforts and mock everyone inspired by his words, at least explain why you think he is an obvious puppet of the elite and everyone are such idiots for respecting his latest rhetoric. When I raged against Rage Against the Machine, I backed up my ridiculously hyperbolic rant with a number of reasons for having those opinions. Try doing the same, or at least add in a bit of comedy to off-set the smugness that is detrimental to our cause, is all I'm saying.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Ruining Jokes

Sometimes I enjoy ruining the punchlines of corny jokes with equally applicable answers, or even statements that nullify the joke entirely.

"Why is 6 afraid of 7?"
 Because 7 is of greater numerical value than 6.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" 
Because the chicken achieved cognitive self-awareness that warned him to get the fuck out of there before he gets murdered and eaten.
"How do you make a 12 year old cry twice?"
 Why the fuck would you want to make a 12 year old cry twice, you sadistic piece of shit?
"A man walked into a bar...."
 Jesus Christ, I don't wanna hear his life story.

"Want to hear a dirty joke?"
 Two horses stuck in the mud.............penetrating Mr Hands.
 Only if it involves yeast infections, menstrual blood and twisty straws.
 "Knock Knock."
 Please state your first and last name.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Meg Skank-whore-Zimons

I thought this news story was great. Apparently some femifascist cunt threatened herself with rape on Facebook in an unsuccessful attempt to spark controversy. She would then feed off said controversy like a maggot, using it as an excuse to publicly spew condescending, venomous vitriol at passerby's with absolutely zero personal context.
The first and most obvious point I'm going to make....and I think I'm speaking for EVERYONE and their mothers on this one.....I don't think very many people would want to stick their dick near her in even consensual circumstances. I don't think very many people would want to stick YOUR dick near her in even consensual, drunken, sedated circumstances. Furthermore....

 ....judging from Megs build and bulldogish demeanor, I don't think very many people would feel confident enough in their ability to forcibly enter her, not without getting beaten up and raped themselves. Nor do I think they would have confidence in the ability to maintain an erection whilst in her presence. Sure, a certain demographic, namely black males into giving BBWs their BBC, would actually PREFER a woman of this rugged and hefty nature. But her personality, as can be assumed from her unwarranted hatred of anything without a gash, is probably enough to counteract the effects of a Viagra overdose.
Who does this cunt think she is to stand on a soap box in public and yell at all these people she's likely never had any personal correspondence with? To blindly and ignorantly assume everyone harbors rape fantasies. The article I'm reading this off of refers to a rally against RAPE CULTURE.
RAPE CULTURE? What in the fuck is rape culture? How can you boldly suggest that rape is so prevalent at this university, that it necessitates an entire culture? Are freshmen  shanghaied by the dozens into rape dungeons underneath the Omega Alpha Buttrape frat and forced to endure creepy occult rituals? Do they have a Rape Doctrine and Rape Robes they wear at Rape Initiation Rituals? Maybe use the Sacred Rape Dagger to sacrifice raped goats?
 The closest thing I can compare RAPE CULTURE to is Infinite Jelly Ethos. We base a huge portion of our comedy off of rape jokes. We in no way support rape; we satirize it and throw an over-the-top magnifying lense to it. Anyone who takes our "rape comedy" series seriously enough to be offended is a jackass of such monumental proportions they shouldn't even be on the internet in the first place.

So I present Meg Skank-whore Zimons with the absolute rapiest episodes of our comedic rape series. 

She could check out the first 5 episodes of our on-going series Rape to the Future....

Then she should, of course, check out every episode of Season 2, aka COSMIC ASSRAPE ARMADA.

 Hell, ya know what, Meg Skank-whore-Zimons? Why not start at the humble beginnings and watch all 30+ episodes in a row? Use the official Infinite Jelly Ethos homepage for a classy, thematic experience that will surely moisten your attention seeking slit to the point of making your entire house smell like the putrid, rotting corpses of sea creatures housed at an unkempt aquatic mortuary.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Of Cover Bands and Telltale Games

I have never understood the concept of basing ones entire body of artistic expression off of another artist's signature style.

For example - tribute bands who never progress past playing other peoples songs, or cover bands that never start writing originals. Don't get me wrong, I've seen a half-dozen Grateful Dead tribute bands, with Dark Star Orchestra handily taking the cake as the most impressive, and most of them are pretty killer as far as copying the Grateful Dead goes, but me personally? I could never base my entire music career on playing another persons songs, singing another persons words, stealing another musicians guitar style. It seems like a waste of talent.

Any asshole can pick up a guitar and learn how to play a bunch of generic classic rocks staples like Hotel California, Horse With No Name, War Pigs, and The Joker and blast through them exactly as they were written. But composing something could that NOT be the primary goal of a musician?

How are all these killer guitarists aping Jerry Garcias style not brimming with new musical ideas? It's not like it's easy to re-create the energy and presence of Jerry. Why not use that talent and drive to create something new?

I could write three songs every day if I put in the effort. Hell, even at work I can write music in my head, melodies and guitar riffs and chord progressions bouncing around my brain like it's a pinball machine, as I wait to get home to record those ideas on instruments. And as a musician, there's nothing as satisfying as performing those originals live, or to listen back on finished recordings and know that you created it, that's your ideas and your execution on your guitar. It's rewarding. So I have to wonder....

What compels a musician to remain satisfied merely mimicking other people? Learning covers is like a chore to me most of the time. How can that be the entire foundation of ones artistic expression?

Is it a lack of creativity? Or maybe a fear people might not relate to your original compositions? That unique edge that makes your influences stand out to you....why would you NOT want to recreate that same level of creativity and innovation, but on your own terms? Instead of using the brilliance of others as a crutch on a plateau, use it as an influence towards making a signature style of your own. (It's kind of like how any cynical blog, including this one, inevitably feels, at the very least influenced by Maddox. And at the worst reads like a Maddox clone.)

I know it pays off some times. Furthur, which is the latest embodiment of the Grateful Dead, features a former lead guitarist of aforementioned Dark Star Orchestra. Judas Priest hired Ripper Owens after hearing him singing in a Priest tribute band, British Steel. Ripper Owens has been in many projects post-Priest, working with various heavy metal legends (Yngwie Malmsteen, Iced Earth) and becoming a heavy metal legend in his own right. While he will always sound somewhat similar to Rob Halford, he has definitely developed his own style and moved past being a mere knock-off. 

It can pay off. Ripper moved past being a mere Rob Halford imitator, to an actual performer in the band, and even past that, onto his own creative vision.
It just seems boring to never write music, to always play someone elses notes. Learning covers only to play them note for note and execute them in the same fashion they were written....why not take the composition and turn it on its head? It can still be a cover even if it's played differently. (That means you, Robert Plant and Jimmy Page, you thieving cunts.)

I have a friend who rages dozens of cover songs on the acoustic and variates their style. And maybe if I could play acoustic guitar better, and had a better singing voice, and was still looking for a band....maybe that concept would seem much more appealing to me. It's much more interesting since he puts his own spins on all these songs, instead of just rehashing the compositions exactly the same as they were written. And no doubt it takes a lot of talent to learn all these notes and lyrics and pull them off....but to me it seems like a waste of time when you can be writing songs of your own.

Which leads me to Telltale games....somehow. Maybe I should have skipped the sloppy, forced segue from tribute bands to Telltale Games. But in any case, Telltale Games come across as nothing more than glorified plagiarists. While all these Jerry Garcia knock-offs have undeniable talent and passion, Telltale just seem like glorified plagiarists to me. (Much like those thieving bastards Robert Plant and Jimmy Page.)

Telltale first caught my attention with the Walking Dead game. I have since finished the first four chapters, and while it got slightly better in Episodes 2, 3 and 4, it still was overall an overwhelmingly disappointing experience. I have voiced discontent of the Walking Dead game in the past, but I'm moving beyond that and looking at Telltale as a company.

Telltale have made 24 games since 2005. Of these 24 games, the ONLY GAME to use original characters (instead of relying on licensed characters) is their first game. And what exactly was their first game? Their first game was.........................Telltale Texas Hold'em.
So the only creative ability possessed by Telltale....the only game they managed to crap out in the past 8 years that wasn't based entirely around someone else's ideas....was a crappy poker game? And considering Telltale didn't invent poker, their one "original" game was still essentially based entirely around someone elses ideas.

To me that is definitive proof that Telltale Games have always been hack game developers who merely cash in on already lucrative franchises by developing half-assed games they then use to swindle the pre-established fan bases out of their money with.

Look at this list of crap they've produced I've stolen from wikipedia. 

Bone: Out from BonevilleSeptember 15, 20051 (Standalone title) EWindows
CSI: 3 Dimensions of MurderMarch 21, 20065 episodes (Standalone title)Windows, PlayStation 2
Bone: The Great Cow RaceApril 12, 20061 (Standalone title) EWindows
Sam & Max Save the WorldOctober 17, 2006 - April 26, 20076 episodes (monthly)Windows, Xbox 360, Wii
CSI: Hard EvidenceSeptember 25, 20075 episodes (Standalone title)Windows, OS X, Wii, Xbox 360
Sam & Max Beyond Time and SpaceNovember 8, 2007 - April 10, 20085 episodes (monthly)Windows, Xbox 360, Wii, OS X, PlayStation 3, iOS
Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive PeopleAugust 11, 2008 - December 15, 20085 episodes (monthly)Windows, Wii, PlayStation 3, OS X
Wallace & Gromit's Grand AdventuresMarch 24, 2009 - July 30, 20094 episodes (monthly)Windows, Xbox 360, iOS
Tales of Monkey IslandJuly 7, 2009 - December 8, 20095 episodes (monthly)Windows, Wii, OS X, PlayStation 3, iOS
CSI: Deadly IntentOctober 20, 20095 episodes (Standalone title)Windows, Xbox 360, Wii
Sam & Max: The Devil's PlayhouseApril 15, 2010 - August 30, 20105 episodes (monthly)Windows, OS X, PlayStation 3, iOS
Hector: Badge of Carnage DJune 2, 2010 - September 22, 20113 episodesiOS, Windows, OS X
Nelson Tethers: Puzzle AgentJune 30, 20101 (Standalone title) E PWindows, OS X, PlayStation 3, iOS
CSI: Fatal ConspiracyOctober 26, 20105 episodes (Standalone title)Windows, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, Wii
Poker Night at the InventoryNovember 22, 20101 (Standalone title) E P[29]Windows, OS X
Back to the Future: The GameDecember 22, 2010 - June 23, 20115 episodes (monthly)Windows, OS X, PlayStation 3, iOS, Wii
Puzzle Agent 2June 30, 20111 (Standalone title) E PWindows, OS X, PlayStation 3, iOS
Jurassic Park: The GameNovember 15, 2011
November 15, 2011 - May 24, 2012
4 episodes (Standalone title)
4 episodes (bi-monthly) (iOS)
Windows, OS X, iOS, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360
Law & Order: LegaciesDecember 22, 2011 - March 29, 20127 episodes (bi-weekly)iOS, Windows, OS X
The Walking DeadApril 24, 2012 - November 20, 2012[30]5 episodes (bi-monthly)Windows, OS X, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, iOS, PlayStation Vita,[31] Ouya[32]
Poker Night 2[33]April 24, 2013[34]1 (Standalone title) E PXbox 360, Windows, OS X, PlayStation 3, iOS
The Wolf Among Us[35]October 11, 2013[36] - present5 episodes (monthly)[36]Windows, OS X, Xbox 360, PlayStation 3
The Walking Dead Season Two[15][16][17]Q4 2013[37]TBAOuya,[32] PlayStation 4[38]

What is that, 4 separate CSI games? Jurassic Park and Back to the Future point and clicks? Three Walking Dead games? And they even went BACK to the poker, only this time started using licensed characters?

Holy fuck, this company sucks balls.

And the worst part is, no one seems to realize it. Everyone rides Telltale dick with the Walking Dead game, as if that game was the cure to herpes or something. But that game was trivial and boring. It was so god damn derivative. It was ridden with cliches. Think about it........

Telltale Games do not develop their own fictional universes. They merely adopt other peoples ideas and retool them. I mean, that's a HUGE hurtle to leap right off the bat in the development of a game - creating the world and the characters that will inhabit this world? That's a big step. Telltale has skipped that first step in pretty much every single game they've ever made. They take other peoples ideas and capitalize off them. To me that is completely unoriginal and lazy. But that's not where the laziness ends.....

So they've got this head start, using these licensed characters from well established franchises, basically nullifying the necessity of coming up with any original ideas at all. On top of that, they've got the built-in fanbase for each separate franchise to milk off of, so they're sitting pretty with most of the work done for them already. With these substantial head starts in development, they should be able to create amazing games with sprawling over-worlds and lush graphics that control well and have amazing game-play, all to compliment the story they apparently put so much effort into, am I right? Games that aren't merely cashing in on these franchises, but enriching them, perhaps? Right?

And what do these unoriginal cock-suckers do?

They make pedestrian point and click games with shoddy graphics and corny voice acting that are completely linear and lacking any sort of true creativity or innovation.
How are people fooled into thinking Telltales Walking Dead is impressive? The story isn't even that good, considering how lacking the execution is. They basically claim to have focused all their efforts on story as an excuse to half-ass the graphics, trivialize the game play, phone-in the voice acting....essentially they are completely leeching off of other peoples creativity and getting "Game of the Year" awards for a horribly sophomoric product.

These games aren't fun, they're bland. They're fucking POINT AND CLICK games, for fucks sake. Where is the creativity in taking other peoples ideas and shoe-horning those ideas into half-assed point and click games that fail on literally every level besides the story?

Another thing, all the Telltale jockstrap riders will attack anyone who points out these noticeable flaws in these terrible games. They'll attack with a cliched "Go back to Call of Duty, you clearly can't appreciate games with clever story-telling, blah blah blah!" No, I totally appreciate games with a good storyline. I even think the story of Telltales Walking Dead could have been pretty good....if the rest of the game was up to par. The story, admittedly, deserved a better delivery. It deserved a better game. But it still wasn't that impressive, considering it was wasted potential. (And full of cliche characters, as well as situations lifted right from the comic and redressed with said new cliche characters.)

So now we got all these Telltales jock-riders either saying "You only hate the game because it's popular!" (while failing to realize the high expectations I harbored for the game were due to my love of the very popular comic and even more popular TV series) or "You couldn't understand and/or appreciate the breadth of the story!" But what these fanatics don't seem to realize is how lacking the game is in everything besides its story, which in itself is a deviation of Kirkman's creation and thus, rendered completely unimpressive.

I understand enjoying the game, but stop putting it on some unwarranted pedestal.

What I don't understand is why people defend the game, as if it somehow validates a versatility in their own tastes because they can enjoy something so shitty and low budget. "I'm so hip, guys! I can enjoy a video game that takes all the fun elements out of video games! I can enjoy this game that is inherently boring and shallow because I enjoy it's story. Aren't I just radical and bodacious?!"

And the best part about it all is the illusion of choice the game gives you. You get all these choices, and have the time despite your choice it won't even matter - the story will inevitably end up the same exact place every time. If Telltale were truly trying to make an innovative experience that wasn't a mere cash-in, they would have had branching storylines. Maybe getting the option to pillage and murder the cannibalistic farmers instead of going to their farm in peace. Maybe the option to shoot Duck in the face then wipe out the rest of his family. But no, every single decision leads you the same god damn place as before. It's an illusion of choice, when in reality the game is one of the most linear games I've ever played. It's equivalently linear to on-the-rail shooters, just in a far more subtle way.