Monday, December 31, 2012


The last track I made of 2012 is EDM satire. It's called 

Sometimes I Get A Good Feeling....But Not Often (Bootleg Remix Mashup Extended Epic Party Mix)
(Pretty Lights vs AVICII vs FloRida vs FUCK YOU)

Here's the video:


And here's the soundcloud link:

Now if you go to that soundcloud link, you will notice a few things. First, the genre is called "THIS SAMPLE FUCKING SUCKS." Secondly, I blatantly state in the description the entire track is satire. Thirdly, all the tags are making fun of the track itself.

 How did 45 people like this on Facebook? Really? I appreciate the support, I do, but I'm just wondering how many people "liked" it because they got the joke, and how many Liked it because they generally thought it was a good production. This satirical track, that literally took me 3 minutes to make - less time than the entire length of the track - is getting positive feedback. A song that took me LESS TIME TO MAKE THAN IT TAKES TO LISTEN TO, has gotten 45 likes on Facebook. What. The. FUCK?!

This is exactly what I've been talking about in a huge percentage of these rants - standards are getting so low, people are becoming so overly politically correct, that any form of legitimate criticism is extinct, and 99% of the time you see someone criticize something it's from a state of jealousy and bitterness. The bar has been moved far too low. I mean seriously, look at thse comments.....

 There is literally zero twists in the track. It's all just lifted from other artists, and thrown sloppily together to sound as crappy as possible.

 Brilliant? C'mon, Rawwr! and Cr00k, you damn well know I make better music than this.

 Innovative? There is literally nothing in this track that is fresh or innovative. I cut up sections of three different tracks that share the same sample, and lazily threw them together in Mixcraft in 3 minutes time. It's not on-tempo, it's off beat, it sounds like shit. I created this song by hitting CTRL+C and CTRL+V, and dragging bootlegged samples with my mouse. THAT IS IT. I didn't perform a single note, I didn't program a single glitch, or sing a single word. I even intentionally drop the Etta James sample over itself dozens of times so it sounds like complete noise at several points in the track, and people are calling this "Fresh all the way?" This is proof that it's impossible to tell how much work a 'remixer' or 'bootlegger' is actually putting into a track. This track is 3 minutes work, and people are impressed.

(Insert Professor Farnsworth "I don't want to live on this planet anymore" meme here.)

The idea that a satirical, anti-EDM song that is intentionally bad and as cookie-cutter as possible is a pretty cool idea for a mashup, IMO. But it's not "good work" at all - it's intentionally BAD work.

Well apparently your brother is fucking retarded and has no taste. But it's all good, because Futuristik has some pretty badass music. Clearly the talent in the family all went to you, dude.

That's just the thing, it DOESN'T work. But it works on not working, so if you caught the joke, I agree - the JOKE worked. The BOOTLEG MASH-UP DIDN'T work, because I never intended it to work. Kind of like all products made after the 90's - shit is built to intentionally break, so we keep wasting money on more pointless shit.

My Super Nintendo is almost as old as I am, and my N64 is getting up there as well. Both still work great. But X-Box and X-Box 360? I have several friends who owned those systems, and 100% of them got a "Red Ring of Death" at some point. Shit isn't built to last anymore. And apparently, according to the feedback I'm getting on this track, music isn't built to innovate, either - it's just built to be as cookie-cutter and generic as possible.

Kiko is but a 19 year old girl, so I don't expect her to have good taste. Plus, she's kinda hot, so I don't want her to get the impression I'm opposed to the idea of hanging out if I ever end up in the UK. You get a mulligan, Kiko!

That "good feeling" you're describing is the musical equivalent of getting blown by a tranny. Sure, it looks like a woman and feels damn good on your weiner, but once you find out the truth that she's working with a bit more down stairs than you originally realized that "good feeling" will quickly dissipate and turn into feelings of guilt, depression, and self-loathing.

Really good? Nice flow of transitions? I did everything I could in 3 minutes time to make this track sound as sloppy and disjointed as possible, and people are praising it like it's the fucking Glitch Mob or something. I give them all the benefit of the doubt, only because:

1) Most of these people are talented producers themselves.
2) They've probably heard my actual music before, didn't actually listen to the song, just assumed it was yet another "Jon of the Shred" masterpiece and commented accordingly.

But if that is NOT the case, then let this article stand as proof that most EDM is fucking retarded and literally takes no effort. Think about it - music is so half-assed these days, people couldn't even tell this track was satire. Even with the description...and tags...and genre name....and track title....and intentionally bad transitions....and intentionally off-tempo samples....and music video with pictures of Paris Hilton DJing and equipment that lets people DJ with I-pods....and they STILL can't figure out this is a joke. That's how piss poor most EDM really is.

This article is proof that standards in music are way too low these days, that people can literally PUSH BUTTONS and impress talented producers. There is literally no way of telling how much of an EDM track is actually an original production. You can rip someones song off and add a single sound effect
at the end of each bar, like a clap effect, and all the sudden it's a "remix bootleg mashup epic party mix." I'm not saying there aren't talented remixers and mash-uppers out there, but Jesus Christ, people. Get some fucking standards. Especially considering most of the people commenting, depicted in the images above, are very talented producers themselves. Those are all my niggas from CKers, and they're cool people. But they're either being dishonest and kissing my ass, didn't listen to the track and assumed it was good because my name was attached, or just have relatively low standards in electronic dance music.

Now a lot of people will say, "Sweet Funky Freedom, why are you always bitching about DJs and EDM music so much? Why don't you try DJing if it's so easy?!" Well casual reader that refer to me by the name of my blog - I choose NOT to DJ. I choose instead to actually compose actual music, so that actual GOOD EDM can be an actual actuality. Just because my track has actual instrumentation in it - actual guitar playing, actual bass playing, all electronic elements actually performed on an actual keyboard as opposed to lifted from a sample - doesn't mean the track isn't actually EDM. It's just actually better EDM than lazily DJing someone elses stuff. So that's why people can't accept the EDM I make is EDM - it's too good to be lumped in with button pushers, knob twisters, and sample jockeys.

"Ok, Sweet Funky Freedom, so you like what you call 'good' EDM. We get it. You have high standards. But why don't you just let the shitty DJs and shitty musicians and all the shitty producers live in peace? Why does it bother you they make crappy music? Why do you feel the need to attack them and be an asshole?"

I have perfectly good reasons for attacking these cookie cutter hacks and coming across as an asshole. Top 40 DJs are the reason musicians like me cannot get paid to make music. Standards in music are SO LOW in music right now, that some asshole who pushes a few buttons on $1000 worth of equipment gets paid the cost of his equipment every 45 minute gig he fists pumps his way through. I know, because I've DJed several times. And it ALWAYS made me more money than actually playing a show, actually demonstrating ACTUAL TALENT. DJs are entertainers - not musicians. There's a world of difference.

So me attacking EDM, and crappy DJs, and cookie-cutter musicians, and assholes with an inflated sense of purpose like Rage Against the Machine and Green Day - is my rallying cry for truly talented musician
s, DJs, MCs, and other entertainers to stop letting this shit slide. I am literally changing the world with my graceful words of wisdom. And this is just a side-project. What the fuck are YOU doing with your time? Getting pissed at satire articles on a blog? Grow up, grow a pair, and grow some talented. Before I grow fully erect and skull-fuck you into 2013.

Let me explain it really simply for you, paint a picture of what I, as a multi-instrumentalist, face in this so called 'music' industry....

you're in a band, you are asked by the bar you're playing at, "How many people are you going to bring?" As a musician, you only get paid off the head count at the door. So instead of the bar attempting to promote good music, and hire worthy entertainment for their regulars....instead of hiring musicians and paying them appropriately for the time and effort it took them to learn their instrument.....they expect to instead rip-off bands and get a free performance out of them. Musicians that put decades of their life into honing their craft - and they don't even get a base pay. They'll get, at best, a small cut off the door. They expect the band to do the promotion, to flyer for the show, to harass their friends and family to go see them play live. They expect the bands to bring in the customers, so they can make money off the watered down booze they serve in their crappy, half-assed establishments. And then they don't even let the bands eat and drink for free.

In short, musicians and bands get treated like absolute dog shit. MEANWHILE.....
....DJs are getting a base pay of at least a few hundred bucks, and rarely do people that consider themselves "DJs" have any actual type of actual skill. DJing is not hard; I've mentioned this before, and I'll mention it again. DJs make more money, get more pussy, get more credit, get treated better by bars, and still.....for SOME odd reason....DJs get pissed off when actual musicians with actual talent aren't actually licking their figurative balls for being an 'actual' DJ. They expect everyone to kiss their fucking ass because they can push a few buttons and
act like a jackass on stage for an hour and half, rolling tits on ecstacy and fist pimping the air like it owes them money. DJs need to get off their high horses and appreciate what they have. Namely, a dead-simple profession that earns them unwarranted respect and keeps meals off the table of starving musicians with more talent in their pinky fingers than the entire lineup at Ultra Music Festival. BE GRATEFUL YOU MAKE MONEY FOR DOING NOTHING! EMBRACE YOUR MEDIOCRITY! Stop expecting musicians like myself to give you unnecessary props when you're literally making it harder for us to get paid.

And go ahead, call me an asshole, say I'm out of my element, Jonny. But I'll tell you what - I can back up what I fucking say. If this article offends you, go and listen to my music, then come back to me and honestly critique my work. It isn't perfect, obviously. And I'll definitely come across as an arrogant prick saying this, but I literally do not personally know a single person that is a more accomplished composer than me. I know better guitarists, better pianists, better producers. But I do not personally know a single person who can craft music as ridiculous as mine. And that's because when I make music, I MAKE THE MUSIC I WISH OTHER PEOPLE WERE MAKING. I'm trying to raise the bar. I'm actively trying to make innovative and fresh music.

So at the expense of sounding like an egotistical douchebag, which I've become very good at since starting this blog...MY MUSIC IS BETTER THAN YOURS. PROVE ME WRONG, SHITHEADS. JUST GO AHEAD AND TRY. Because I'm only one person, and you have multiple members. I'm just a single loser with enough time on my hands to record songs 100-tracks deep. All the rest of you composers, on the other hand, probably have friends, spouses, and rich social lives that keeps you too busy to focus as much time on your music as I do. But me? I ain't got none of that shit. So I have all the time in the world to sit around in a bathrobe making music that will likely never be heard.
Unless it's getting ripped off on episodes of the Walking Dead.

So yes, I tend to attack what I feel are cookie-cutter and hack artists / musicians / DJs / MCs. And I do it because the people with actual talent aren't making a dime. I know at least 100 bands, DJs, MCs, and musicians that deserve to be making money for their craft, but instead, some hacks that can't play more than 4 chords or write an original riff to save their life are making all the dough.
..all because standards are so fucking low, shit like Lil Wayne and Justin Beiber is culturally acceptable. If I need to inflate my ego into a large, makeshift dartboard and float it in the air while everyone I know throws darts of judgement at it, hopping it pops, so be it. I'm willing to tarnish my already terrible reputation and carry on like a raving lunatic for the sake of music.

Low standards in music offends me. It literally offends me. So excuse me for being offended that my ability to play 15 instruments is
trumped by some asshole who literally buys respect with expensive equipment a 10 year old could master in a week. I must have forgot - DJs deserve more than just fame, recognition, all the women, free drugs, and all the gigs - they deserve respect from people with actual talent, too.

Here, let me express my eternal gratitude
to you button pushers who are too afraid to pick up an actual instrument or compose a single original crafting an EDM parody that arguably debunks the legitimacy of the entire genre / DJing art form.


Happy New Years, bitches.

Rude Studio Audience (Episode 1: The Phantom Menace)

So 2012 is coming to a close. The world is still spinning, the Mayans are still 'extinct,' Link saved us all and stopped Skullkid, and all is still wrong in the world.

Even Youtube is getting sick of my shit. Just look at the URL it randomly generated after I uploaded the video. Don't worry - just go to the video and you'll see what I mean.

How about a quick recap of all the hilarious videos I made in 2012? Here they all are.


Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Catch 4:22 (Issue #5)

"It's a Twap(field)!" {Issue: 2}

Troll Hunting (Part 5)

Have my 3 or 4 readers migrated to the Rantlister forums yet? No? Well if you haven't you should, because the biggest feud since Seraded vs. Crimson Steel (which was the biggest feud since Biggie vs Pac) is raging right now - Sweet Funky Freedom vs. FuckedYouFucker. If I knew how to edit GIFs properly, I would change this Rocky 4 GIF so that Rocky Balboa was ripping FuckedYouFuckers picture off the mirror instead of Ivan Dragos.

Rocky and me have more than one thing in common - a chiseled jaw line, the ability to grow boss facial hair, similar training methods, fighting injustice - in Rocky 4, Rocky wasn't just fighting Ivan Drago - he was fighting the communist stranglehold on Russia. HE ENDED THE COLD WAR. While I'm not in Russia fighting commies, I am in America, fighting fascists. Fascists like FuckedYouFucker.

You think troll-hunting is easy, FYF? Or writing 20+ articles in a month? Even if 19 out of 20 articles are crap, it doesn't mean effort isn't put into writing them. Here I am, slaving over a hot keyboard every day, and you cast your judgements as if you're chief of the rant police. Rant Emperor Bobby, who is so good at ranting, he has never even written a single one. Sitting on your Ivory Rant Tower, casting down judgements like some kind of rant authority, when we've never seen a single rant from you.

 It was actually Paint.Net bullshit, and apparently, as 'unfunny, untalented, and stupid to look at' as you claim it to be, it offended you enough for you to report it to Facebook. It has been removed from Facebook, so you won that round. It certainly wasn't a flawless victory, either, but you won it. Well played, sir. ENJOY IT. Because I assure you, that will be the last round you win. In fact, I plan on winning the war with a Fatality in this very article. There's been far too many casualties on either side of the battle field, Corporal FuckedYouFucker, and I'm trying to end the war. General Shred does not want to see any more blood staining the land, this fighting is just crazy. So I need to end this conflict before it tears the very rant community apart at the seams. YOU ARE THE GLUE THAT HOLDS RANTLISTER TOGETHER, MR POWELL. So I can't kill you, but I can amputate each limb, leaving you without the ability to type - or walk.

We can even get you one of those wheelchairs that people who are paralyzed from the neck down have, where they control it with their mouth so they can move around. We'll get you one of THOSE, so you can still update the website for us after I hack you limb from limb. But I digress......

The point is, whether or not you find the images funny, clever, or smart to look at......clearly they were effective.
 Effective enough to report them to Facebook. Then you went on to say this:

 Well if I actually was a piece of shit, I'd say it was pretty god damn impressive I was able to do more than just get flushed down a toilet. (Kinda like what's happening to you.) But again, what's your frame of reference here? How are YOU the authority in what is and isn't funny? Are you a successful writer yourself? Do you do standup comedy? Have you written many leather bound books, landing several of them on the #1 Best Sellers list? Or are you just a tag-a-long in the rant community, like the 'younger brother' in the group of friends no one wants around, but they feel obligated to watch after any way?

If YOU can write a full article that makes ME laugh then I promise - it still won't make me retire. But it will give me incentive to stop giving you these figurative internet wedgies and making "unfunny, untalented, and stupid to look at - yet dangerously effective" MSPaint.Net images of you.

It's like you have a go-to manual featuring every cliche internet defense. I'm not the one crying and whining - I'm the one W(h)INNING. When someone is handily serving you with little thought or effort, suggesting that they are "crying" or "whining" is just a cop-out. You CAN'T keep up with my wit, so instead, you try to condescend to me and 'rise above' the flame war YOU YOURSELF ignited. You can't say you're above arguing when you're the one who instigated the argument in the first place. Have you no convictions? Have you not the testicular fortitude to see your plans through? If not, shut the fuck(edyoufucker) up. If you can't stand the heat, stop turning on the fucking stove and running the hot water, and get out of the fucking kitchen.

Incidentally, a picture of a crying baby better fits YOUR internet persona, not mine. I already drag my own reputation through the fucking mud as much as I can - there is literally nothing you can do to make it worse. This is simply a flame war you can't win, despite being a flamer FYF. Let's see what other cliche arguments you'll use in an attempt to undermine my masterful trolling.

"I'm moving on to more mature things." Well good for you, Bobby! You've accepted defeat, so much so that you even intend to leave the entire rant community behind you, presumably to defiantly saunter off into the sunset as Mariah Carey music mysteriously fills the air from an unknown source, presumably cascading out from invisible speakers hanging from the heavens. All that
stands between you and these greener pastures is the ruins of a bridge, one that you will now no doubt burn as you leave the rant community far behind you in the rear view of your figurative car of smugness.

A helpful tip from someone funnier and more talented than you: make sure you burn the bridge AFTER you cross it, it fucking sucks getting stuck in the middle of a burning bridge then realizing the moat below is filled with pirahni and ill-tempered sharks. One time, I started burning the bridge to my music career, but I still had a bunch of gigs lined up; I ended up burning the soles of my feet, lost one of my guitars, and ended up running back to the side of the bridge that my music career was on.
Now I'm stuck in the "Music Career Castle" as a fucking jester when I should be a king, unsuccessfully trying to get my music into movies and video games, and the greener pastures on the other side of the ruined bridge - which is a career in comedy - is now impossible to reach, so I yell my jokes across the moat from the castle hoping they echo into ears worth telling jokes to and land me an HBO special or series on Adult Swim.

But enough nonsensical gibberish, let's cut to the cheese - what were the rest of the images banned from Facebook? What images offended FYF enough to make him think ranting is immature? (Or at least, to inspire him to cross burning bridges barefoot at 2:27 AM on Christmas?)

FuckedYouFucker, you are a gentleman and a scholar.....but you pushed me too far. We had a conversation regulated to the Rantlister forums, but you refused to let a few hilarious images slide, reporting them to Facebook and getting me blocked from Facebok for an entire day. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HARASS MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ON CHRISTMAS, NOW! THAT BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS!

 That shit just isn't cool, man, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR. Getting me blocked from making an asshole of myself on Christmas is just a low-blow. Look, some asshole even left a disparaging remark about one of my memes on the Cloudkillers promotion page......

.....and I can't even tell him he's a stupid fucking idiot piece of dog-shit retard.

Looks like I already have a "Troll Hunting Part 6" lined up, this DB character looks like quite the douchebag.


But back to you, FuckedYouFucker.

 If you had simply asked me to censor the names in the pictures, I would have done that for you. Hell, we could have all laughed about it and wrote positive things about each other in our diaries over glasses of eggnog. Then, "Troll Hunting (Part 5)" would have been an article about Dakin Billin (what kind of stupid fucking name is that shit) and you would still just be the resident little-brother of the rant community.

But you went and reported that shit instead, getting it removed from Facebook and getting ME blocked from posting ANYTHING to Facebook on Christmas. Have you no heart? That's cold-blooded fascism, man. You might as well grab the bill of rights and use it to clean up cat poop. (I assume you own many cats, and are basically a "Crazy Cat Lady" with a penis.)

 Fuck you, FuckedYouFucker. I thought we were friends. But apparently, I was wrong, as you continually delete me from Facebook, then try to add me back with some lame excuses as to why you deleted me, and then delete me from your friends list again. You flip-flopping pussy, make up your mind! Stand up for something you believe in! Unless it's standing up for yourself, because you're not worth believing in.

Merry Christmas!