Friday, November 30, 2012

Pepper thy Anguirus

The internet is a place of endless opportunity. If you have something to share with the world, what better place than the internet? Sure, you won't make money right away. But the internet is the widest, most diverse audience you could ever dream of advertising to. It's a starving artists non-edible wet dream.

But of all the things on the internet...from inanimate object porn, to illiterate African American rednecks spotting a Leprechaun in their community, to a group of close friends taking turns dry-humping an unsuspecting ottoman, to Japanese girls shooting dozens of living eels out of their anuses....the internet is still missing at least ONE crucial element.

Why the fuck hasn't someone took all the Godzilla movies, removed the stupid fucking human plots that bog them down. and whittle these movies down to just the monster fights?

Seriously, how has this not been done? I searched on Youtube, google, Vimeo, DailyMotion...nothing. I even asked that pompous dickhead Jeeves the first question he's likely heard in years. "Where can I find a montage of every Godzilla fight, Jeeves, without having to sit through an hour of piss-poor voice dubbing?" I can see why Jeeves became Googles bitch, he didn't know shit.
As per usual, I've gotta do EVERYTHING around here. (And by "around here," I mean on the internet.) So I've decided to cut down Godzilla movies to just the monster fights myself. But I'm gonna take it a step further, as I tend to like raising the bar, as you are all well aware by now. After all, if you think of Earth as a giant bar, and you think of our species as people drinking at the bar of Earth, it isn't all that crazy to assume the bar is on "Last call" and about to kick all of us drunk assholes out. "You don't have to go home, but you're not staying here! Oh wait, here is your're fucked."

So I present to you all, Phase 1 in the Shredzilla series:


This is just part of the glorious "Final Full Month Of Funky Freedom" figurative wad I decided to blow all over your figurative tits. I'm putting the final touches on the song and video today. Should be released before December rears it's ugly, apocalyptic head....

Update: Got lazy. Ran out of my pot supply. Had to restock. Should be done soon.

Davey Suicide Should Legitimize His Stage Name (Sweet Funky Retro Freedom)

The last article I left you with ended with a disturbing image of Davey Suicide.

I challenge you to find a group of people with a more punchable face than this here gaggle of transvestites. You can't, it's impossible. "Sweet Funky Freedom, why do you have to be such a hater? LEAVE THOSE TRANNIES ALONE!" I didn't go out and search the internet for these douchebags. They found me by being constantly posted on Bloody-Disgusting.

I even wrote an article about these twats when I was first starting this blog back in April. The 10th Article was supposed to be a Davey Suicide rant, but I cut out that entire portion of the rant released the rest of the article, instead.
The article ended up released was "5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal."

"5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal" was originally a direct response to the Davey Suicide article, "Davey Suicide’s Top 10 Clothing/Accessories Every Rock Star Needs To Own." Being a cheeky cunt, I saved the article from back in April on my computer, on the off chance I ever needed it for something. And since the Davey Suicide coverage on Bloody Disgusting kind of rustles my jimmies, I'm gonna republish the unreleased material from "5 Tools Musicians Need In Their Arsenal: Directors Cut."

For all you musicians joining me, were you able to finish reading that list without throwing up in your mouth a little? "Top 10 Clothing/Accessories Every Rock Star Needs To Own" - now there's a list that should have never existed, if ever I saw one. That title is an oxymoron. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when rock music used to actually require talent to perform, the main objective was to stand out against materialism and conformity in a state of aggressive, free-spirited rebellion, not ENDORSE IT...right?
Ok, so admittedly, they actually do acknowledge this in number 10, and maybe the list is just satire. "Being a rock star isn’t a job that comes off when you go home, it’s a lifestyle and it’s the ability to live your life, fearless and free from boundaries." Maybe they're as self-aware as Dee Snider. And Dee Snider turned out to be a pretty smart mother fucker, when it came down to it. I mean, everyone knew Frank Zappa was gonna verbally rape Tipper Gore, but no one expected Dee Snider to throw Tipper a verbal beat-down of his own that was nearly as impressive as Mr Zappas.

So maybe Davey Suicide is just fucking around. Maybe the entire band is just making a mockery of themselves in an act of rock 'n' roll rebellion and defiance. Maybe the "gaggle of trannies" look they cultivated is a mere satirical statement on the vanity of mainstream musicians.....
 Or maybe their music is so fucking generic and boring they need to dress up like cross-dressing assholes and generously dish out profanity in song-titles to get any recognition from the angst-ridden teenaged slackers that make up their target audience. It's like these jackasses are just pretending to be rebellious without even knowing what they're rebelling against.

To peacock and pamper ones image to maximize sales, while at the same time neglecting the artistry of the craft, that's the opposite of rock, right? Focusing on image over the music? I mean, anyone who makes a list like the above couldn't possibly have a fan-base that consisted of anything other than sheep who made a deaf purchase based on the 'attitude' of the band, right?

You're telling me that this band actually took the time out of their day to make a list of accessories they feel every 'rock star' should own? What a bunch of fucking pussies. Are you actual musicians, or fucking fashion designers?

It took time and effort to make that list. And that's time that could've been spent carelessly banging groupies. Or throwing TV sets out of windows and trashing hotel rooms. Or ingesting copious amounts of illegal drugs...for free. Or designing the website for their next album release. Or...I don't know...practicing their instruments and composing new, creative music? Trying to discover a new sound? Not just trying to catch the biggest trend wave to make money off a bunch of fucking idiots how have been conditioned to have zero taste in music since birth?

And people wonder why I'm going to have a heart attack by the age of 25 or give myself face cancer from all my hatred. As a self-employed musician (aka unemployed), I find bullshit lists like this very hard to tolerate. These douchebags are getting paid money to make fashion lists, and I can't even find work writing a single jingle for a fucking commercial?

Way to demean the art form, guys!

It is nearly physically painful for me to even acknowledge the existence of musicians who are more concerned with their image than their actual musical output.

I'll be honest here, I'm gonna reserve judgement of this bands music......because I haven't heard it. I've never listened to a single "Davey Suicide" track. The name "Davey Suicide" alone, in fact, is fucking stupid enough to keep me far away from this bands musical output. And this is coming from ME, a person who chose the stage name "Jon of the Shred." At least my name is an homage to a legendary horror film. (No, not the 2004 Zack Synder remake, you idiot, I'm talking about Romero's definitive film.) What the fuck kind of name is "Davey Suicide?" This idiot should legitimize his music by demonstrating his stage name in real life.

Call me close-minded all you want; I choose not to waste my time listening to what will likely be some shitty, generic, pandering metalcore / emocore / garbagecore. If the first impression of a band you get is "Wow, these guys look like a gayer Brokencyde," it's best to not even subject yourself to their music at all and move on. I will not lend my learned musical ears to a band more focused on their image, more focused on fitting into a niche, and more focused on making money than developing their own unique style of music.

Is that close-minded of me? To write off a band based purely on their image? Even a band that, apparently, puts a shit-ton of time into said image? Enough time to write an article about the top 10 accessories rock-stars need? In other words, a band that likely cares more about their image than making good, original music?

It's all good, hate me if you want. Call me close-minded, elitist, a music snob...whatever, bro. If you want to get aggro with me because I pointed anyone that looks like THAT probably makes shitty music, be my guest.
It's fine, you probably have shitty taste and lack a sense of humor if you're offended by this blog or take it seriously, and I'm glad I pissed you off. Lets just agree to disagree - we both know your taste sucks.

And believe me, no matter what hate mail I get, or disparaging remarks about my bottom teeth I'll get on Youtube, no matter how many hipster douchebags with names like "K-Dawg" leave comments on my articles, I'll still be passing on "Davey Suicides" latest magnum opus, "Generation Fuck Star." Oh wait, that's the title? I take everything I've said so far in this article back...I was wrong.

Surely a song with such an intellectually driven title would be a track so epic and divine it would not only push the limits of sonic artistry, but also expose the true meaning of life and give clarity to those lost in these trying times. "Generation Fuck Star" is surely 42 embodied through music. It is the answer to all of our questions and prayers, and the solution to all of our problems. "Generation Fuck Star" is such a potent song title you can assume the music is like distilling John Williams, Basil Poledouris, Ennio Morricone and Hans Zimmer into liquid form and injecting it into the eyelids of Dweezil Zappa and Rusty Cooley.

Just kidding. The name of that track alone is, again, so fucking stupid I will likely never intentionally listen to any of their music. "Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star." I lost brain cells typing out that full statement. Ignorance is bliss, you say? All right, I'm on my way to bliss right now then....

 Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star
 Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star
 Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star
 Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star
Davey Suicide - Generation Fuck Star

Holy fuck does that sound retarded. It's almost offensive enough for me to wish all the tranny-mothers that spawned these retards had had their tubes tied thirty years ago so I wouldn't even have to be subjected with the thought that a song called "Generation Fuck Star" actually exists. 0 for 2 on the titles, Davey.

Even if "Generation Fuck Star" featured guest appearances from Bruce Dickinson on vocals, Ritchie Blackmore on lead guitar, the ghost of Tupac, and a voice over intro from Christopher Walken, I would pass. (Plus, I still have a lot of Frank Zappa's impressive discography to finish listening to.)

  As I musician, I guess I just personally get the impression a band that takes HOURS OF TIME getting ready for a photo-shoot are a bunch of limp-wristed fools who can barely write comprehensible riffs, never-mind explore uncharted musical terrain. I like the music I listen to to sound.....I don't know, whats the word I'm looking for here.....GOOD? And the musicians to have....what's that thing even the shittiest bands of the 70s, like Led Zeppelin and the Police had....that thing they ALL had at that time....TALENT! That's what it's called!

These idiots look like they wouldn't know a guitar solo if Yngwie Malmsteen and John Petrucci were cock-slapping them in their makeup caked-faces while Rusty Cooley and Joe Stump shredded awkward chromatic porn licks in the background. (Get it, a joke about shred guitarists and wanking?)

"Sorry guys, the author of Twilight wasn't too keen on the additional scene you pitched. She passed on the entire transsexual vampire orgy idea...we have to cut it from the film. Maybe try forming a band? You look like pretentious knobs, you'll probably make hundreds! Maybe even thousands!"

So since everyone seems to be so fond of reading lists and making lists these days, (remember Cracked when they weren't just a list website and were a decent Mad Magazine knock-off?) I'm gonna make a list of my own...

See that, readers? That's how I originally started the "5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal" article; with that rather lengthy rant about Davey Suicide. And now, having published it for the first time and ended the article with a link to the place it was originally featured in a ironic, roundabout fashion....I feel like S.E. fucking Hinton.

"When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home."

I didn't post the full article back in April, and now I'm glad I didn't, because I got to shoehorn the very first and last sentence of "The Outsiders" into this article now, in November! Because of the fact I opted not to post the Davey Suicide article when I originally wrote it, I earned some nostalgia points. Aww yea!

But seriously, I cut out all the Davey Suicide shit from the article because I figured, "No one even knows these assholes exist, why am I gonna rant about them? It'll just get them 3 or 4 more views." And I saved the article, just in case I felt the need to bring it up at a later date. Well, November 30th, 2012 seems to be the 'later date.' I couldn't stop myself after seeing their newest feature on Bloody-Disgusting.

This asshole is gonna dwell upon what fans can do to reclaim music? Really? He doesn't feel hypocritical in the least bit? One of the FIRST THINGS fans can do to reclaim music is banish shitty artists like Davey Suicide to an island somewhere with every person associated with ARK Music Factory and the ghost of Milli Vanilli and just cut them off from the rest of the world. These people make Gangnam Style sound like Tangerine Dream. Let's read what poignant thoughts Davey has on what fan can do to 'reclaim' music.

Why is music today in the gutter waiting for rats to pass by and take a piss on it? All of the manufacturing has gotten out of control because labels and TV shows like American Idol and The Voice are resorting to creating an assembly line of artists instead of letting them create organically. The microwave generation and demand for instant return aren’t letting bands stand a chance in this revolving door of fair-weather glory.
Music fans can feel when something is genuine and they can also feel when it’s created to sell. It’s the same difference between dating a girl who is a star fucker and someone that wants to be with you because of who you are. It’s the difference between the fan that steals an album to be cool versus the fan that buys the album and reads through the lyric book to memorize the words. Where do we go from here then? I think it starts with us, the music fans. We need fans to start supporting bands that put the ‘art’ back into ‘artist’. Bands that eat, breathe and sleep what they do. After all, we are the future. We are Generation Fuck Star.” – Davey Suicide

Great job, Davey Suicide. Before making that statement, you were just "Transvestite Glitter-Vampire Emocore." But now that you've posted that statement, you're "HIPSTER Transvestite Glitter-Vampire Emocore." Good going, douchebags, the only way you can tarnish your image even further at this point is if you start molesting children in public and get caught lip-synching on Saturday Night Live. Your image is so bad right now, Keytars might not be that bad of an idea. In fact, go get yourself some keytars IMMEDIATELY.

"Oh, Davey Suicide uses keytars on stage...clearly these assholes don't take themselves seriously."

Wanna hear Jon of the Shreds thoughts on how people can "reclaim music?"
  •  Learn how to play your fucking instruments.
  • Stop trying to fit in with trends and make the music you wish other bands were making. 
  • Try to push musical boundaries and innovate your own genre instead of pigeonholing yourself to a particular market or genre.
  • Stop focusing on image, it doesn't mean shit.
  • Stop focusing on money, and create music to express yourself. All you people care about these days is making money and banging chicks. I love making money and banging chicks - but I'm not gonna pretend like I have passion for music and use it as a front to pick up chicks. That's why most people are more likely to drop a few grand on DJ equipment than picking up an instrument and actually writing new music - they're buying their respect with DJ equipment that requires little knowledge or skill to operate, as opposed to putting in years of work in learning an instrument properly. Why learn how to play an actual instrument when most girls think instruments are for old people? Pushing buttons, twisting knobs, and moving levers is WAY sexier than actual talent these days. Remember, our generation doesn't want to be challenged intellectually - they want to be intellectually challenged. Act accordingly.
  • Boycott assholes like Davey Suicide, not only because they are more focused on their image than their crappy music, but because they release hypocritical articles about the state of the music industry. 

You know what? I still got a song I gotta finish that I'm releasing specifically on this blog. So I'm gonna stop wasting time pointing out the flaws in this shitty, horrible band, and stop wasting time on reminiscing earlier, unreleased Sweet Funky Freedom material....and I'm gonna finish that song before the end of the night. So wake me up before November ends, douchebags.

My Viewers Are Perverts (UPDATED: 12/6/12)

I'm not in the least bit surprised how perverted my fanbase is. Perverted Google image searches is the second biggest reason people find my site, apparently.

Looks like this blog could use a bit more of Game of Thrones Nudity, courtesy of one Emilia Clarke.

Looks like this blog could also use more jail bait...

And some Walking Dead titties....

 Whoops, my bad. Spoiler alert! The Governor kills Daryl in front of Merle in this Sundays episode of the Walking Dead! Now you probably wanna kill me, right?
Let me make it up to you with these 1950's Office Nudes.

UPDATE (12/6/12): My viewers are STILL perverts.

Bloody-Disgusting, Get Your Shit Together (Zombies Part 3)

Bloody-Disgusting has been my source of horror news for many years, along with Arrow in the Head, Shock Till You Drop, Fearnet, Dread Central, Homepage of the Dead, and many others. And while Bloody-Disgusting reportedly has movie reviews influenced entirely by "bribes" and affiliations with filmmakers, the news is still on-point. I mean, how hard is it, really, to post tidbits about developments in the horror community? Bloody-Disgusting has that down great - they're good at posting news in a timely fashion.

 In addition to their swift posting nature, the layout of Bloody-Disgusting is aesthetically pleasing, unlike other movie sites. Ain't It Cool News is designed so horribly, I'm certain it can induce seizures. They've had that same layout for what, 15 years now? I can't even go on AICN anymore, it gives me an immediate headache. Even the color of AICN closely resembles stomach bile. The layout of Bloody-Disgusting, on the other hand, is great on the eyes. And the news on Bloody-Disgusting still flows gloriously, like a young raver girl rolling face while getting nailed on top of a giant pile of money.

Horror is a huge industry, and I love it. I'm a gorehound, a Zedhead. My fucking stage name when performing music is Jon of the Shred, for Christs sake. Millions of others agree with me on how badass Horror is. Horror is in right now, arguably more than ever. So it isn't exactly difficult to maintain a fan-base with a horror website these days, when there's so many of us gorehounds to feed news to. But in some areas, Bloody-Disgusting have had the hiccups for years and, ironically, someone really needs to sneak up on Bloody-Disgusting and scare the piss out of them to get rid of those hiccups. And no, I'm not talking about them selling out with movie reviews - who really cares what someone else thinks about a movie? Form your own opinion, dipshit.

The biggest problem with Bloody-Disgusting is their music section. Again, reviews aren't what I'm at the site for, I'm there for the news, so the whole "BD takes bribes!" thing never really bothered me. The video game section is also pretty damn good - there's no shortage of horror-themed video games to report on, and they do a good job of keeping me up-to-date on games that gaming sites like IGN may pass over or skip. But the music section of BD is a fucking joke.

 That was a print screen of what is currently the newest article on Bloody-Disgusting. 50 Cent Releases Video For "My Life" Featuring Eminem And Adam Levine. How the fuck does this get posted on a horror website?
Horror Influenced music is a very small niche - there isn't nearly as much horror themed music as there are horror movies or horror games. It's far more difficult to make it as a musician with songs influenced by horror, than it is to make it as a game developer making a survival horror game, or a filmmaker making a Slasher flick. And I know this firsthand, because THAT'S WHAT MY MUSIC IS - horror influenced progressive rock mixed with all kinds of other shit. But will you see Bloody-Disgusting do an article about my music? Music made FOR Horror Fans, BY Horror fans? Hell no! Where's the money in promoting someone without a record deal or any media affiliation?

That's right, I'm doing my shit 100% solo - I don't have a record label, I don't have a PR rep, I don't have a manager or a booking agent. I compose, record, and master all the music myself. I can't afford to pay some "Producer" $400 to 'master' my track by throwing an Izone Ozotope preset over it. I can't hire a webdesigner to cook me up a base of operations for my online concept albums, or a graphic artist to visually depict the apocalypse - I just can't afford to. So I design all my own websites and graphics.
I'm a trail-blazer, a musical entrepreneur, hardly scraping by as a self-employed musician in a very harsh landscape based on networking and connections instead of talent and innovation. And I don't mind the uphill battle - it'll make it all the more satisfying when I'm hired to compose the music to Mass Effect 6, or a song I wrote is picked up by the Walking Dead. I figured I'd be getting press all over the horror community by now.
 I'm making a zombie concept album that's pretty much "WORLD WAR Z meets PINK FLOYD'S THE WALL" and releasing this rock opera online, FOR FREE. 
 This is an entirely unique format I myself developed - an online concept album that tells a story entirely through instrumental music I wrote and digital art I designed. It's never been done before, aside from that one other online concept album...the other online concept album I released.
This is innovative shit, people. Point me in the direction of any other band in the history of the internet that did something like this. I've looked, and I can't find any other online concept albums. I feel like fucking Highlander...THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE. I innovated this style of online concept album myself. And I did it 100% solo, without making a fucking dime off of it, without any help along the way.

FREE Music BY Horror Fans, FOR Horror Fans. 

 So where's my article on Bloody-Disgusting? Every time I release a new track and new art, there should be a feature on Bloody-Disgusting music. There should be a post on Dread Central, and an article on Arrow in the Head. And why is that? Because, who the fuck else is doing what I'm doing with horror music? Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson are novelty acts, they never had the depth for an entire concept album, it's more pump-up hard rock music than progressive. Alice Cooper has settled down, and watched his influence spread throughout music. The closest thing I can think of is probably King Diamond, and he hasn't released anything since 2007's "Give Me Your Soul....Please."

Right now, Apocalyptic Dawn is, as of right now, the definitive online horror-themed zombie apocalypse concept album. That might be because it's the only online horror-themed zombie apocalypse concept album, but that doesn't take away from the fact it is the #1 online horror-themed zombie apocalypse concept album.

But you won't see a single mention about "Apocalyptic Dawn" on Bloody-Disgusting because the sand in their vagina is clouding their judgement on what is actually quality material. A struggling musician with an innovative style isn't what Bloody-Disgusting is looking for - they're looking for crappy, non-horror non-events to bitch about, like Sasha Gray and Eminem collaborating, or to bitch about Green Day bitching for cheap hits which then inspires me to bitch about Bloody-Disgusting bitching about Green Day bitching about set times. Are these people still loyal fans of the horror genre? Are they simply not looking for actual horror influenced music?
 News Flash, jackasses, most people like horror movies to some degree. So that means when someone like Lil Wayne releases a "Top 10 Horror Movies List," there is NO REASON to make an article about it on your site. That isn't "HORROR MUSIC NEWS," that's "NON-HORROR MUSICIAN SOUNDING OFF ON HORROR WITH AN UNEDUCATED OPINION NEWS." We don't need 15 articles a week about shitty musicians that are casual horror fans expressing uneducated opinions on the genre. Bloody-Disgusting Music is what a horror section of TMZ might look like.

 Who gives a fuck what this idiot thinks are the 10 Best Gory Films? Why not post some news on actual music? I wanna hear new horror music, not read random opinions on horror from irrelevant artists. Pull your heads out of your fucking asses and do some actual journalism. Discover artists that embody the spirit of horror. It doesn't even have to be my amazing music, it can be ANYONE with horror influence. Just post some god damn relevant news, and cut the TMZ influence. This is a horror website, not a fucking gossip magazine.

"Fuck promoting underground musicians, there's no money in that!
We're not gonna get hits if we're promoting musicians actually influenced by horror movies! Passionate horror fans that are talented musicians? That's not marketable at all! Everyone knows talent and innovation isn't profitable until at least 30 people have ripped off and misinterpreted that innovation. We need more Davey Suicide!"

Bloody-Disgusting rides Davey Suicides ladyboy dick so hard, they should be getting paid time and a half. Look at these shitheads. I don't even need to insult them, they do it themselves by just existing.

Has there ever been a group of 5 people with more kickable face than this gaggle of transvestites?