Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My Dark Knight Rises Article Potentially Saved 206 Lives

On July 18th, 2012, I released an article that spoiled the ending to The Dark Knight Rises. Make no mistake, I wrote that article purely to rustle jimmies. In fact, there's been a very obvious move on this blog from ranting to just trolling, causing an excessive decline in the quality and frequency of articles. Go back and read the earliest shit, it was definitely stronger than my current material.

I wanted to ruin the movie for people because of how over-hyped the Dark Knight was. The Dark Knight was so overrated I decided to ruin the Dark Knight Rises (what an imaginative title, Christopher Brolan) by spoiling the ending and other major plot points. But apparently....that article could have done so much more than just rustle a few jimmies - it could've SAVED LIVES. And maybe it did.

Clearly you've already heard all about the Dark Knight Rises shooting in Colorado. I know it definitely raised some eyebrows in the conspiracy community. Especially considering the entire situation secreting the foul odor of a false flag attack.

But maybe someone from Aurora read my article and decided to watch the movie online for free instead of dishing the money out. Maybe they were so enraged at the ending being ruined for them, they stayed home and watched "Schindler's List" instead, saving themselves from the haunting scenario that unfolded at the theater that night. Observe, I may very well have saved 206 lives....

Why the fuck would you want to go to a movie theater and shoot unarmed victims, anyway? Level the playing field, you pussy. You not only open fire on unarmed civilians, but obstruct their view with tear gas? You fucking pussy.

I mean, if you're willing to throw your life away and massacre people, give them a chance, make it interesting. He should have scattered weapons throughout the theater under seats, then announced everyone to look under their chairs and to use whatever weapon was there to defend themselves.

   Person who got the sex toys - was all like JACKPOT - until they took a bullet to the knee. Imagine if the shooter tripped over the double ended dildo, or got ensnared in the anal beads, before opening fire, causing him to trip down the theater stairs and accidentally shoot himself before killing anyone else? "Extra, extra, massacre at movie theater thwarted by anal beads! Read all about it!"

There was that one guy in the shooting, who actually ditched his girlfriend and his two kids when J-Holmes opened fire. He leaves the theater, and actually proceeds to get into his car and drives all the way home. I can imagine him, sitting there at home, fingers crossed, waiting for confirmation his girl and two kids are dead so he can resume focusing on his true passion in life - being part of a Nascar drivers pit crew. Look at this tool.

  I bet he's crying because they survived.

Dude, seriously...I'm sure every father at some point thinks about ditching his family, moving to Mexico, and spending the rest of their days banging Latina whores and drinking tequila. But you don't DITCH YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD IN THE LINE OF FIRE. If you hate your family that much, take the bullets for them, let them survive and sacrifice yourself. Clearly you should've pushed for the abortion when your girl was pregnant. If you're too cowardly and inept as a parent to have the immediate instinct to protect your offspring at all costs as some lunatic is raining bullets around you, maybe you should've gotten a vasectomy. 

I don't know who's the bigger pussy, this clown that ditched his entire family or the douchebag that decided to open fire on unarmed civilians in the first place.
 Meanwhile, back at the movie theater, a 19 year-old dude saves this guys wife and kids, even taking a bullet. He likely had his hopes high - "Shit, I can live two fantasies at once - getting pussy for saving a chicks life AND nailing my first MILF...two birds with one stone, bitch." Just look at him cover his boner with a couch cushion.

But instead of getting to lay the pipe, this dude gets to later find out the girl he saved was proposed to by the dude that ditched her at the shooting. And she said yes, too. How romantic. "Hey, so we just kind of got shot at, and I bailed out on you, the mother of my children, and the children themselves....wanna get married?"
Sorry 19 year old black dude that saved the girl, but your princess is in another movie theater. 
Also, note how quickly this shooting was picked up by the internet trolls and morphed into memes.

Holy fuck, really? At least give the dirty laundry a bit of time to air out, kiddies. I started writing this article on July 22nd, but didn't decide to publish it until the dust settled a bit, until the wounds were slightly healed. Hell, this article is probably already irrelevant, considering how short the attention span of the general public is.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Catwoman kills Bane, who breaks Batmans back, who survives but fakes his death and passes the torch to "Robin" John Blake

Is that how the Dark Knight Rises ends, you ask? Fuck if I know, I haven't seen it yet. But I searched for spoilers on the net so I could share with everyone what I found. Ya know, just in case anyone wanted to save their money and buy a gram of headies instead of going to the theaters.

Random spoilers I came across:

  • Batman bangs a character named "Miranda," who ends up being Talia Al Ghul, who is Ra's Al Ghuls daughter, who is in Batman Begins.
  •  Blake, Talia, Gordon, and Catwoman all figure out Batman is Bruce Wayne by the end of the movie.
  • Catwoman says "You know I have to kill you now!" before killing Bane.
  •  Talia dies in a crash.
  • She also stabs Batman.
  • The Joker dies at the end of Arkham City.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Super Mario All-Stars

In your mind, go back in time. The year is 1993. You wake up one snowy Christmas morning, but the tender age of 4 or 5; heavy bags under the eyes, for you had only had 3 hours of sleep - you had stayed up almost the entire night, setting up surveillance throughout the house, lying in wait like a ninja, waiting to ambush Santa, waiting until he was distracted as he gouged on free cookies and lukewarm milk, so you could stab him in the throat with a homemade toothbrush shank and steal all the bags of presents. To your wonderment and surprise, a brand new Super Nintendo Entertainment System awaited you, stacked with Super Mario All-Stars. Aw snap.

You quickly murdered countless of Koopas minions...scowling mushrooms with unibrows wearing fashionable boots...disgruntled turtles with wings...flowers popping out of pipes trying to tear your limbs asunder and feast on your flesh. But despite the odds, you became a champion of the game, rescuing Princess Peach.

You played as the fat, sexually frustrated Italian plumber named Mario, a tortured soul forever stuck in the friend-zone, desperately hoping for a taste of Peaches peaches and rescuing her in four different games. But it always seemed like all Mario got for his life-risking endeavors was a kiss on the cheek. Even her mushroom servants unintentionally mocked Mario.


 Those were the days. I remember when Super Mario World was first released, and playing with my younger cousins. I used to tell them they were playing as Yoshi so I could play more. Isn't that fucked up? I think that is the most offensive and morally reprehensible thing I've ever done.

To my defense, I was just trying to speed up the gaming process. A lot of the people I played Super Mario with back in the day had one terribly frustrating tendency to WALK through levels. You hold the 'Y' button with the edge of your thumb, and hit the "B" button to jump.

The name of the game is speed. Well, it's actually Super Mario All-Stars, but my point is...

Nothing was more frustrating in my childhood then people who walked in Super Mario Bros. It's the most tedious thing to watch, especially since at the time I wasn't habitually smoking pot.

Instead of playing back and forth as Luigi, we'd all play as Mario, and switch off on death. I seriously think people were trolling me by walking through the levels and taking their time, because whenever I got the controller, I laid waste to Marios enemies with an iron fist, running through levels and completing entire lands before dying and having to switch off my controller. Those ungrateful pricks...playing all slow and boring, wasting all 86 lives I had acquired in my 2 hour turn.

And yes, trolling existed in 1993...all the great thinkers in history were just trolling societal norms. Gandhi, Copernicus, Benjamin Franklin, Galileo, the Sons of Liberty and Boston Tea Party, George Carlin, Bill Hicks...all trolls.

Shit, I just realized this is supposed to be a conspiracy humor blog...and my 4th of July article ends up being about Super Mario Brothers and gaming etiquette.

....fuck it, Super Nintendo > America. Here, here's my take on the 4th of July summed up in less than a minute: