Saturday, June 30, 2012

Get A Job, Hippie!

Got a shocking news flash for ya, readers - I'm unemployed. Yes, even with my charming wit, good-tempered personality, and keen intellect, I am jobless and still living with my parents at 23 years old. An outrage, you say? That, even despite my dashing good lucks that apparently bear resemblance to a combination of Jesus, Russel Brand, the singer from the Darkness, and Shaun White, my job hunt has turned up nothing? I agree, it is definitely an outrage. I'm getting less leads in my job hunt than a novice Big Foot enthusiast gets blindfolded and drink in Alaska.

The depressing thing about being unemployed, is having no money with which to:

A) Purchase copious amounts of Marijuana with
B) Buy a shit-ton of PS3 games and nerd out with my bird out
C) Manipulate equally manipulative women into having (unprotected) sex with me
D) Purchase a new guitar and amp so I can shred Iron Maiden songs such as "The Trooper" at unreasonable volumes to piss off my neighbor that's a State Trooper
E) All Of The Above (But none of the below)
F) Buy crack...lots and lots of crack...seriously, so much crack
G) Donate to charity
H) Fund a child in Africa
I) Pay for web hosting so you don't have to read these shitty articles in the "Blogspot" format

 I actually enjoy working, believe it or not. I never understood people that half-ass it at their job. The harder you work, the quicker the day goes by, ya lazy pricks. Unless you're Mexican, in which case, you need to continue to act stereotypically sleepy. But for me, as a white, manual labor is definitely preferable to sitting in a cubicle, counting down the days left in my meaningless existence. Scratch that - manual labor is preferable to sitting in my room, counting down the days left in my meaningless existence.

It's not like I don't have a diverse job history that weaves a rich tapestry of efficiency, professionalism, and awesomeness.

Job: Cellphone Salesman

I used to sell cell-phones at a mall kiosk. I loved tricking people into thinking they were getting some kind of magical bargain when in reality, I was tricking them into handing over their souls to T-Mobile for the next 2 years.

 Pro Tip: Since I'm no longer a T-Mobile sales representative, I'm willing to divulge the secrets of the trade. Here's a tip on how to close the sale with that family of impoverished looking Puerto Ricans:
 
Basically, T-Mobile almost always has a deal going at every dealership that gets you free shit. This sale is not seasonal, there is no urgency in claiming it before it expires - it's entirely situational. It's literally shit that you're getting for free, though. The phone might as well be a hunk of shit with an antenna sticking out of it. They should pay you to take the shitty phones they offer free off their hands. A T219? Really? This thing never gets service and it even looks poor. That cell phone looks like it lives off of HBH. (Hamburger Helper) And no, T219 is not the liquid terminator from Judgement Day.
 
Basically, if you're starting a fresh 2-year contract, you can always get a cheapo phone for free. Combine this knowledge with a bit of psychology: people love to think they've WON something. So the technique is, take a deck of cards to work. Tell people to pick a card - any card. They can be walking by, completely indifferent to their surroundings. They could be talking on a phone already. It doesn't matter. Interrupt them from their zombie-like Mall trance, and make them pick a card. Ask them what card they got, and whatever they answer, tell them they WON A FREE PHONE! Doesn't matter what card it is.
 
"Nice, you picked one of the four Jacks! You win!"
"Oh, got a Spade, you say? Today's your lucky day!"
"Nice color choice, reds are all winners! You win a free Red T219!"
 
I'm seriously, I was top sales rep for months with this trick, and was banking on those fatty commission checks. It was that easy. Note: This works much better with T-Mobile, the poor peoples carrier. If you tried doing this with Verizon, you would fail. Verizons yuppie customers just want you to sell them what they already came to buy. Whatever it is they want to buy, they already know exactly which phone they want. They'll come to the store and ask you questions they hope will steer you to their choice. It's something they already put hours of research into, and they want someone else to unknowingly prove them right. Yuppie pieces of shit.

People say sales are 'selling yourself' - that's bullshit. Sales is figuring out your opponents weakness (opponent = customer) and exploiting it, manipulating them into spending money. 99% of people are stupid, so usually that's the weakness I would choose to exploit. (I also exploited someones weak kneecap one time, too.) Basically, in sales you trick people into investing in their own stupidity.

More Suitable Job Titles: T-Mobile Dealer, Legal Con Artist, Those Douchebags At Cell Phone Stands In The Mall

Career Highlight: First day ever in sales. It's towards the end of my shift, malls about to close. This white gangster kid is looking at phones. You know the type, the kind of kid that trained themselves to speak with a more urban, black dialect. It always sounds so unnatural. (Been spending most our lives, living in a Yuppie Paradise.) 
 
The Sidekick was popular at the time. He was there with this decent looking chick, definitely trying to impress her by looking at expensive things he won't be spending any money on. "Hows the service, yo? I make a LOT of calls every day, dawg, A LOT of calls." He was clearly hinting he sold drugs. So without missing a beat I said, "Listen, I can have you banging out deals on this Sidekick in 10 minutes. Everyone will be copping their nugget off you." The couple laughed at me, while I laughed at them. And undressed the decent looking check with my eyes.

Job: Dishwasher

I've had this job twice now. Ever see Waiting? Remember the big black dude from Boston Public listening to all the servers and cooks bullshit and giving them sagely advice they'd usually not listen to or take serious because, after all, who goes to a dishwasher for advice? It's JUST LIKE THAT. 
 Pro Tip: Free leftovers? SCORE!
  

More Suitable Job Titles: Restaurant Therapist, Plate Cleanser, Dish Wizard
Career Highlight: A highlight to dishwashing? Quitting the job.

Job: Floor Buffer

I'd say the main benefit to buffing floors is an empty work place. This is a job that you do after everyone else has left. You can work at your own pace, singing off-key to your hearts content as the echo of your horrible voice bounces through the empty workplace. You can even get all your work done in ten minutes, setting record after record of how quickly one can buff the floor of an entire kitchen. Two more hours on your shift? Nice. Go to your car and get high, come back in and clock out. The main fallback to buffing floors is an empty work place - no chicks to blatantly hit on, fearless of workplace sexual harassment policy.
 Pro Tip: Don't go to work while tripping balls on cough medicine.
 

More Suitable Job Titles: Floor Cleanser, Relaxed Janitor, Anti-Social
Career Highlight: Going to work tripping balls on cough medicine.

Job: Therapist

There's normal rapists...but then there was me. I was THE rapist.


 Pro Tip: It's probably best to steal from your victims - being a rapist is one of the most difficult professions of all-time. You're self-employed - you make your own hours, you find your own leads, and you must personally fund your tools - zip ties, chloroform, GHB, alcohol, handcuffs.
 
More Suitable Job Titles: Molester Squared, Professional Penatrator, Self-Employed
Career Highlight: It's a profession you can really be passionate about. You love going to work every day, despite the hours, and you feel a sense of pride and accomplishment at the end of each shift.

Job: Publisher Clearing House

Every day, I diligently respond to e-mails suggesting I'm going to win $5,000 a week for the rest of my life. Seriously...EVERY DAY.

 Pro Tip: Invest your winnings on home security. Maybe even buy a personal island, or a bunker. Just think - how many people getting $5,000 a week for the rest of their life, actually live that long to collect a shit-ton of money? Maybe PCH pops the winners off like the Federal Reserve popped off JFK. How else could they afford to keep giving out money to people every week? That's right - they can't afford it. Which is why we should abolish them and consider abandoning the concept of money all together. Watch, I'll win the $5,000 a week thing from PCH, and a week later all money will be deemed obsolete.
 
More Suitable Job Titles: Spam Mail Reader
Career Highlight: Holy shit I hope I fucking win. If I successfully won 5 Gs a week for life I'd discontinue this shitty blog and start a new one about career highlights of winning the PCH 5Gs a week contest.



Tune in, folks, I'm not done yet. Get A Job, Hippie! (Pt 2) will continue the verbal onslaught.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Taking A Dump

I'm a fast shitter. It takes me less than a minute to take a dump. Combine that with wiping and washing my hands, each bathroom visit usually hits around the 2 minute 30 second mark. Sometimes 3 minutes for good measure. Why, or even how some people manage to take 15 minute dumps without actively seeking to do so is beyond me. Even with heavy-duty constipation, it's just fair to assume most dumps should take no more than 5 minutes.
Someone taking over 5 minutes to shit is personally choosing to take their time, completely on their own accord.

I've seen this at work from a half dozen people. Not literally watched them sit on the shitter, but see them head to the bathroom and reappear 12 minutes later. Maybe the employee drinks their cheap morning coffee, grabs a newspaper, and then has their daily 15 minute shit they are known around the store for taking. Shaving off some time on the ol' work clock. I don't get it.
I know, I know, people suck. People suck horribly, and it's irritating and painful to have to converse and bullshit with them, and plaster on a fake smile and completely avoid all fun topics of discussion in fear of getting fired from some shitty job that isn't even worth the gas money to drive to, but I'd rather stand around twiddling my thumbs OUTSIDE of the bathroom for those extra 14 minutes, full well knowing the risk that casual conversation very well may have be engaged in, than intentionally sitting in a small, windowless room, surrounded by the stench of my own feces.

There's better excuses to take a quick break from work. Here's a thought, why not take up smoking cigarettes? Fuck it - you hate your job enough to sit on the toilet an extra 14 minutes and 25 seconds, right? So why not pick up smoking? Each cigarette takes 11 minutes from your life? Well at least it isn't spent in the bathroom. That's 4 minutes of your life you're saving from bathroom time with every cigarette.
Some times I'll take my laptop in the shitter with me, when I'm at home, and I'm really invested with whatever bullshit I've gotten myself into on the internet. I'll be reading some crazy conspiracy theory, or maybe I'm in a heated debate on someones statues on Facebook, and then I'll think to myself "Wait a second, I'm on a TOILET. I finished shitting about 7 minutes ago. I've just been sitting here since then. Do I need to win this debate about Lil Wayne on the shitter? As fitting as it is, can't I just finish it in my bedroom?"

I know I won't ever need to stock my bathroom with reading material. There's simply no need; the bathroom is a place for efficient bodily waste disposal, and the optional sanitation procedure initiated after aforementioned bodily fluids have been disposed of. There is no need for reading material in the bathroom. Especially reading material that other people will be handling before, during, and after taking a shit.

If anything, a single magazine can suffice for each bathroom, and I only say that because one day it could serve useful as TP backup. If, through some misfortune and horrible stroke of luck, one unknowingly decides to drop a deuce in a bathroom absent of TP, it'd be much easier for said person to deal with this predicament with a few pages ripped out of a magazine, rather than stumbling through the house with their pants around their ankles, trying to reach the other bathroom. It would be much more satisfying for these upstanding folks wiping the corn-laced dung nugget dingle berries from their swamp ass with colorful, plastic feeling paper covered with gossip articles about the Kardashians or Oprah.
If I ever would up with the issue of taking unnecessarily long amounts of time in the bathroom, I would probably start bringing a boom box in there to inspire me to shit faster. So I decided to give you readers, who likely use this blog as a distraction whilst taking a dump, a selection of amazing songs you should use to make the shit flow more freely.









Tuesday, June 26, 2012

9/11 Merchandise

Have you ever expressed the opinion that September 11th was a sketchy situation that should be investigated further? Ever express these sentiments around someone from New York? Or better yet, while in New York? I have. I was with friends, and we were all tripping balls on some Lucy, in fact, and the discussion eventually steered towards 9/11. This was mostly because of a huge poster of 9/11 on the wall behind us.

The person who owned the posters argument was that it is disrespectful to the victims of 9/11 to question the "official story." In other words, to believe in any "conspiracies" regarding September 11th is, for some reason, considered equivalent of smearing feces on their graves. To question the government at all is like picketing at their funerals. The person even threatened me with violence, at one point. Someone tripping on acid threatened me with violence.

My argument was that having a giant poster with a photograph of the burning towers displayed on your wall is far more disrespectful to the victims than questioning the legitimacy of the 'official story.' Especially when your questioning suggests the culprits may very well be in our own government and leveling similar atrocities worldwide on a daily basis. It would be far more disrespectful to boast a mural of the event than trying to get to the bottom of it and punish the culprits. "Never forget" caption or not, posters like this are unnecessary.


My initial comment in this discussion wasn't even personal. I was questioning how people can actually profit on making this merchandise guilt free. We can all agree, the person making the posters is definitely worse than the conspiracy theorists, and worse than the poster buying sheep. Much like the people who actually carried out the attacks, they are exploiting over 3,000 deaths to make money.

Whether it was the CIA, FBI, Illuminati, Bilderbergers, Santa Clause, Kyle Broflovski, George W Bush, the Freemasons, Jay-Z and Kanye West, or Osama Bin Laden, they would all likely have one thing in common: they would all love nothing more than to see their handiwork displayed proudly on Americans walls.

 "Ferdinand - it's Larry. You're never gonna believe it. They're putting our ritualistic Satanic sacrifice on bumper stickers and pogs, now, too!"

Why would you want a picture of that on anything at all, nevermind taking up half of one of your bedroom walls? That must be a real turn on for the ladies, right? Maybe put a poster of it on the ceiling. Swingers are likely to use more provocative posters in their seduction suites


Irregardless of who perpetuated the attack, shouldn't it sicken you to look at such a thing every day? If you feel the need to dwell on this horrible tragedy, why not use the poster of the firefighters raising the American flag? Using the poster that's a depiction of the attack itself is an odd choice. I don't TIVO TV shows and only watch commercials. Or buy newspapers and cut out any positive articles.

People don't take opinions lightly these days. And 9/11 truth is a pretty controversial discussion. People supporting the truth movement are literally risking their reputation and career when they express their distrust of the governments "official story."
 




So really, who's more disrespectful of the victims, the people risking their reputation and youtube channels (and likely their safety) to do their small part in getting to the bottom of 9/11, or the people putting money into the pockets of those exploiting the deaths of 9/11 by manufacturing merchandise for profit?

Friday, June 22, 2012


That was one of the most painful things I've come across on the internet. Not quite as bad as BME Pain Olympics, but way worse than 2 Girls 1 Cup. (Yes, I would still bang both girls in 2 Girls 1 Cup. But only now, years after the fact. And I'd still make them take 18 consecutive showers.)

I think this image is bad enough that it actually warrants a translation. Now I'm not saying everyone that shares this image is a skank or whore-bag...but whoever created it seems like a cunt of such monumental proportions she simply needs verbal lashings of some nature to get her back in the kitchen, making sandwiches were she belongs.

If you aren't a shallow, materialistic slut, you should already know these translations don't apply to you whatsoever. That's right, even if you shared the image on your Facebook, its irrelevant - if you aren't a cheating whore, no need to get angry. Hell, I don't even remember who it was I lifted this from on Facebook. So LAUGH WITH ME, AT THE CREATOR OF THIS IMAGE while you're reading my translation. (I know bitches love putting each other down.) If these translations don't apply to you personally, then clearly you should never hire me as your translator.


 Everything below in BOLD has been lifted from that horribly shitty image, and everything in italics is the translation I've gathered from the overall attitude portrayed.


"I DON'T GET ATTACHED"
(I SLEEP AROUND)

"I don't want a relationship unless you can prove to me that not all men are the same." 
(I continually date douchebags for their money and social statues instead of seeking someone with intellect and character. Despite this, I choose not to blame my lackluster relationships on my own poor taste and even poorer judgement; instead, I blame it on an entire gender, backing my argument with harsh, sweeping generalizations. Maybe I should start scissoring other girls with my sand-infested vagina.)

"No your words don't mean shit to me."
(But the size of your wallet and the type of car you drive mean a fuck-ton. Words....what the fuck do they matter? Connections are made through materialistic means, not conversation.)

"No I don't believe you."
(You're too broke and make me feel stupid when having a conversation. Thus, I call bullshit.)

"Promises are nothing but spoken words to me."
(I have a wide array of mental baggage and I fully expect you to bear the terrible weight of this burden on your shoulders. Additional mental weight will be tied on a string to your nutsack, effectively making sure you're always dragging your balls.)

"I know I'm not your one and only so don't say so."
(I'm certainly getting laid on the side, aren't you?)

"No I'm not the world."
(I'm the fucking universe.)

"No my beauty doesn't make your day."
(That thing I do with my tongue is what makes your day...but you need to EARN that shit. This pussy ain't free. Buy me shit.)

"No my laughter isn't music."
(It's a maniacal cackle that scares small children away and forces elderly folks to tears and comas.)

"No I'm not a rebound so I'm not going to sit here and wait until your ready."
(There's a diverse variety of cocks fighting for the chance to split this pussy. Some even get in simultaneously.)

"And no I won't wait on your call." 
(There's still a diverse variety of cocks fighting for the chance to split this pussy.)
"No you can't see the world in my eyes." 
(Unless it's a world of selfishness, vanity, and poor investment choices. Truly an emotionally hollow shell of a brainwashed Valley Girl throwback.)

"No my smile isn't magic." 
(Neither is my twat, but I like to think it is. Despite its yeasty aroma.)
"No I'm not too good to be true; none the less your wishes came true." 
(And by came, I mean came in my vadge...and all over the cum target that is my uninspired tribal tramp stamp.)
 
"I am a princess; but not yours." 
(There's a long waiting list of Brazilians who get to be my prince first. Some of them simultaneously.)
"I don't need your money." 
(I need your credit card.)
 
"I'm not different; trust me." 
(That diamond in the rough that won't cheat on you or burden you with unrealistic expectations? Nope, not me. Just another skank. Might as well hit it and quit it.)
"Really I'm not looking for a fairy tale." 
(Just someone that showers me with money and makes all my shitty friends jealous, while treating me like shit. At the first sign of emotional connection, I will cheat on you with a close friend.) 

"I don't wish to be everything but I do want to be major." 
(Again, I'm certainly getting laid on the side, aren't you?)
"I don't need you to be thinking about me every second of the day." 
(I don't need you to be thinking about me fucking other people every second of the day. It's gonna happen either way, so just get used to it or ignore it. But so help me god if you even look at another girl I will rip out your eyeballs and shove them down your throat. And tell my parents and local police you raped me. I'm only 17 by the way.)

"Make me believe we can forget about the world just by holding my hand." 
(Make me believe I can forget about my slutty, morally reprehensible past and hazy, drug-fueled nights as a stripper just by holding my hand.)

"Tell me I'm beautiful, but only if you mean it." 
(But by god if you tell me my ass looks fat in these pants, I'll cut off your balls and feed them to my poodle Hudgenstonworth.)
"Miss me when I'm gone; so I can miss you too." 
(Lets build a relationship on trust issues and lies.)
"Let me become your favorite girl, so you can become my favorite guy." 
(We'll only cheat on each other and fuck other people until we're ready to commit.)

"No I'm not looking for a prince." 
(ANYONE with lots of money will do. CEOs, professional athletes, musicians from cookie-cutter industry bands...)

"I want a man that wants me to be myself!" 
(Myself = gold-digging, cock-teasing whore.)
 

No, I'm not a sexist, woman-hating douchebag. It's just that whoever made that image seems like such a gigantic bitch that my services of cynicism and unrelenting spite seemed almost necessary.

I'm single, by the way, ladies. And you won't be a rebound either, no worries there, I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year. I wonder why that is?

21 Images That Will Destroy Your Faith In Humanity

Feeling all nice and fuzzy after viewing the heart-warming pictures in the article, "21 Pictures That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity?" I know I did. Hell, I even teared up a little. That shit really tugs on the heart-strings. But as I dried my tears and logged in to my Yahoo e-mail account to shoot off some e-mails to my closest friends about how moved I was from this article, (all of my closest friends are Yahoo! cam-whore spam bots) all the lost faith those beautiful images had restored was again lost. So, I humbly present to you....

21 Images That Will Destroy Your Faith In Humanity

1. This image of that cunty "actress" from Twilight on a raging period. U mad, bro?


2. This image of Justin Beiber showcasing the effects of the feminisation of modern day society.


3. This news article that makes "Myspace angles" seem like child's play.


4. This article chronicling a gyms choice to ban skinny people to "boost morale" in a gym.


5. This image that not only verifies Yoko Ono is still alive, but also that she is as delusional as ever. Remember how this shrew used to shriek awkwardly into a microphone and classified herself as a 'singer'? Shrieking that effectively ruined any musical performance she joined in on? Well, now, she's calling piles of dirt "art" and calling herself an artist for doing a little bit of shoveling. Shoveling is manual labor, Yoko, not art. You are the exact opposite of everything John Lennon was.



6 and 7. These two images that show that garbage released about a month and a half ago....


...get's over 27 times more views than this classic heavy metal anthem, which was uploaded 5 years before the other video. 'Hall of the Mountain King' was released by one of metals most underrated bands, Savatage. "No Church in the Wild" was shit out by the two biggest douchebags in the rap game, Jay Z and Kanye West, a good 25 years later. The fuck, Youtube? Have you no class?

8. This image that proves movie studios have their heads up their asses.


9. This image that proves television studios have the Illuminatis cock up their asses. (Much like the aforementioned Jay-Z and Kanye West.)


10. This image that is 100% self-explanatory.

 11. This image that depicts several layers of faith-destroying idiocy. The article mentions people calling these shoes "racially insensitive." They must fail to recognize the fact every race has been enslaved at some point, and to immediately assume it is racist only to African Americans is racist in itself. People offended by this shoe design are completely missing the fact it is a slap in the face to all races. Hell, it makes fun of the very people purchasing it: the vapid slaves of materialism and consumerism who'd waste money on this shit. Who the fuck designed this shoe, anyway, David Rockefeller?


12 and 13. This image depicting the price of a pair of 1995 Air Jordans....
  
....and this image showing a wide variety of later Air Jordans with an average price of $289.


14 and 15. This image showing what is currently trending on Yahoo......


 ....and this update to trending topics 10 minutes later. With topics such as "Early onset puberty," "Retirement planning," "multiple sclerosis," and "Asian immigration," it would appear the world had actually gotten smarter in a 10 minute period of time. A bit creepy with the puberty business, but much better than "Jennifer Lopez hair" and a list of celebrities. Unfortunately, the number 5 term, "Drinking during pregnancy," completely sunk the entire countdown.


 16. This image of Yahoo glorifying an unhealthy addiction to masturbating and unhealthy obsession to pornography.


  17. This image showcasing some STRONG logic.


18. This image of a poster for the new Resident Evil movie. That's cute, Paul W.S. Anderson, you cast your wife in all 17 of your shitty hack-job Resident Evil films. How adorable. It's also cute how she hogs the screen time in EVERY Resident Evil movie. I mean jee willickers, that scene from the first movie, where she wakes up and tries to recollect her bearings, mouth agape, her half naked boyish looking figure exposed - that scene is so powerful and well executed. It made complete sense reusing it in every Resident Evil since then. And it's also cute how she is given ridiculous super powers that completely remove any possible tension or suspense from what are supposed to be horror movies. Please, Paul W.S. Anderson, make 15 more Resident Alice movies, they are the pinnacle of film-making. It takes a truly talented film-maker to essentially lift Milla Jovovich's character from the Fifth Element, shoe-horn her into a wildly successful film loosely based on a ridiculously popular video game series, and flip off George A Romero all at the same time. Bravo, sir, well done.


19. This image depicting an altercation I had with a fake profile. The fake profile was made to troll local hip hop artists and rappers from my area. This coward actually blocked me after I started to troll him back and successfully exposed his tranny lust. Listen, bro, if you lack the guts to troll from your own Facebook profile, and don't wanna risk your reputation so you make a fake profile, HAVE FUN with it. When I troll people in between futile online job searches - usually on the daily from my parents basement - it is on my actual Facebook profile. So feel free to add this Caeser Walden toolbag. #RealRapeRealTalk


20. This moving image showing off the new, upcoming Nintendo console, the WII-U. What happened to you Nintendo? You used to be cool. Remember the SNES and N64 days? But ever since Gamecube (and all 15 of its games) it's been downhill. Stop focusing on the controller, and make some good games for a change, god dammit.

21. This image from a banned episode of South Park depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammed. Not cool dudes, not cool. It is completely out of line to broadcast an image of Mohammed to the world, be it on television or the internet.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Internet Success

I've finally achieved a level of internet success in life that every user strives to achieve. A true honor has been bestowed open me, akin to a Purple Heart or an Olympic Gold Medal...or perhaps it could be likened to getting the top 10 tiers in an arcade game, and lining them with three letter curse words...


Getting the top comment on a Youtube video. This is such a coveted spot, tutorials ironically line the pages of Youtube on how to get the top comments on...Youtube. Take for example this guy with the shitty voice.


Nevermind, I couldn't watch more than a few seconds of that crap. Here's an equally pathetic, but far more endearing example:
This kid even knew better than to leave the comment option available for his video. NO ONE gets top comment, bitches. The top comment in question can be found on this video:

I cannot, in good conscious, accept this trophy. I must humbly decline this prestigious and unparalleled honor. For in all honesty....it wasn't even an original statement. It was a shameless knock-off on the "who shit in your cereal" quote. And while that phrase is as stale as the shit in the phrase is fresh, considering someone shit INTO the cereal, it's more logical to assume this variation of the quote has been used before.

How could someone actually get away with shitting into someones cereal, anyhow? That would have to be the stealthiest and swiftest turd in history, if in the short space someone sneezes the turd is expected to be delivered to the bowl. Even more time would be necessitated if recipient of turd is expected to unknowingly bite into the feces. They would need time to properly mix and distribute the fecal matter throughout the cereal and bowl.

I'm certain this specific variation - that specifically features Cheerio's, dog shit, and Michelle Rodriguez's facial expression - have existed in numerous varieties prior to my youtube posting. The directors cut version of the joke I personally added, was the sugarless / milkless line. Because Cheerios doesn't taste good at all without sugar, and it certainly doesn't taste good dry, and it 110% doesn't taste fucking good when it's covered in dog shit.

 Unless you're Michelle Rodriguez, that is.







Thursday, June 14, 2012

Sometimes I Get a Good Feeling

The world could use another few hundred musicians, composers, and music producers using the vocal sample of Etta James "Something's Got a Hold On Me." It never gets old. EVER. I could hear it for hours daily and never grow tired of it. "Finally Moving" was just the beginning. Don't know what vocal sample I'm talking about? Here's a list of examples:


Here's a second list. This is a list of songs, bands, situations, and artists that would highly benefit in implementing this sample in the most over-powering fashion possible.
  1. Slayer - "Reign in Blood" Reign in Blood is supposed to be this brutal, speed / thrash metal classic. But it's clearly lacking in the "Good Feelings" department.
  2. Pantera - Everything Post Power Metal Sorry, Pantera fans, I could never get into the cookie cutter "groove metal" meets nu-metal that Pantera regurgitated, album after album. The most blatant offender in their discography is clearly "Walk" - what a train wreck of a song that was. I actually prefer their first four albums. That's right, the cheesy and effortless 80's metal Pantera is way more endearing than the "we try so hard to sound bad-ass" shit they released Cowboys From Hell onward. Which is why those Pantera songs could benefit from the tender vocal caress of "Oh, oh...sometimes - I get a good feeling, yeah." It's like pot, it makes everything better.
  3. Symphony X - "The Odyssey" In the song, after Odysseus finally makes it home and kills all the intruding douche bags trying to get in on some of that sweet, sweet Penelope trim, Symphony X treats us to a reprise of "Journey to Ithaca," bringing the song full circle at the conclusion of Odysseus's journey and redemption. But who needs to hear that again, really? Instead of reprising their earlier acoustic guitar and vocal hook, Symphony X should've dropped a generic drumbeat and sampled some good feelings all over that outro. Then maybe they could've made a gnarly mash-up playing the hooks in "Champion of Ithaca" and "Good Feeling" off each other.
  4. King Diamond, Brian Johnson, and Rob Halford - All of their vocals Who wants to listen to glass-shattering falsetto nowadays? That shit isn't metal, we all know guttural screams, hardcore breakdowns, and awkwardly complex yet soulless math rock riffs are the definition of metal. King Diamond, Brian Johnson of AC/DC, and Rob Halford of Judas Priest should just retire at this point. OR, they could always replace their microphones with laptops and start sampling "Got a Good Feeling." Over and over again. On every song. From "Back in Black" to "Abigail" to "The Sentinel", all three bands need some more good feelings. It could be its own new sub-genre of metal.
  5. Richard Wagner - "Ride of the Valkyries" It hasn't aged too well, unfortunately. If only Richard Wagner could have traveled to the future and had a pow-wow with Etta, or perhaps took some shots with Pretty Lights, then went back in time to the 1800's, back to his time, and brought that timeless hook back with him. He could've ingrained it into culture a good century before it's original inception. Instead of blues, funk, jazz, metal, emo, country, punk, rap, hip hop, we could have variations of "Sometimes I get a good feeling." Perhaps start changing the instrumentation, tempo, and key. And later, to keep it fresh and innovative, musicians would start putting the words out of order. "Get, no...a sometimes never, feeling yeah no, never, never, before had good."
  6. DJ Sets - Every DJ in existence needs to use this sample a minimum of 3 dozen times, in any given performance. Should a DJ ignore this rule, omit the sample from their performance, and get busted using the vocal loop, they shall be forced to 5 hours in an alligator pit, wearing nothing but the still warm flesh of recently hunted muskrats and raccoons. If no alligator pits exist, the construction of one will begin immediately the following business day, at the DJs expense.
  7. Movie Trailers Every movie trailer ever made, from this point on, should only be authorized to air if a sample of this song is being used. A good example / archetype for this usage is displayed in upcoming Disney flick "Wreck it Ralph," which I posted above.
  8. Video Game Trailers Every video game trailer ever made, from this point on, should only be authorized to air if a sample of this song is being used. A good example / archetype for this usage is displayed in upcoming WII video game "Just Dance 4," which I posted above.
  9. Rocky Training Montages In all 6 of the Rocky movies, all the training montages should be one of the variations that use this sample. In fact, all the music in the movies should be replaced by some kind of use of this vocal sample. It certainly would have made Rocky 5 a more watchable movie, with his shitty son and shitty protege. The street fight at the end of that movie should have been between his Tommy Gunn and his shitty son.
  10. Star Wars (film scores) John Williams scores, though timeless, aren't actually timeless. Not anymore. Not since people starting sampling the infamous Etta James vocal hook.  
  11. During Sex What better soundtrack to slang some D, pop some Cs and split shaved Vs to?
  12. In Public Places Fuck that lounge music bullshit. This track should follow everyone everywhere, from the background of Weather reports, to elevators, to malls, to doctors offices, and even at the dentist. If this track played at the dentist all day every day, I'd get a tooth pulled every other day.

In fact, this hook is SO GOOD I'm gonna make yet another list for this article. People get all horny for these stupid list articles these days, right? Here's a third one for ya. This is a list of people I would love to hear do either a spoken-word cover or an acapella of the track:
  1. Christopher Walken
  2. William Shatner
  3. Samuel L Jackson
  4. Adam West
  5. Tiny Tim
  6. Meat Loaf
  7. "Jon" from Delocated
  8. Missy Elliot
  9. Gilbert Gottfried
  10. Jack Black
  11. Janis Joplin 
  12. Trey Parker
  13. Metalocalypse characters
  14. Nicky Minaj
  15. A chorus of hot underaged girls from the Disney Channel
  16. ALL of the various "movie trailer voice" guys
  17. The pirate from Spongebob Squarepants
  18. Will Ferrel as Ashly Schaeffer
  19. Will Ferrel as Ron Burgundy
  20. Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys
  21. Is this starting to piss you off yet?
  22. Good.

Etta James is all like, "A feeling that I never, never, never knew I had before." But apparently so many other have been inspired to rehash her words, again and again, that they KNEW they would have that feeling. Etta WARNED THEM about their impending feeling. The constant reuse, re-sampling, and rehashing of her work would imply that they know that feel, Miss James....they know that feel, bro.


We ALL know that feel...