Monday, May 28, 2012

Hilarious Imageless Meme! NOT.

I've begrudgingly come to terms with the popularity of internet memes. (How else can one come to terms with something without doing so begrudgingly?) Hell, if South Park is gonna make an entire episode based on a particular premise, that means that premise has, at some point, hit the big-time. Never mind them making two full episodes.

I've also come to terms with the fact that some people are simply too unoriginal and lack the creativity, or at least the drive, to be funny on their own......and so they resort to excessive amounts of memes. Unfortunately for the rest of us, most unoriginal people have really shitty taste, and seem to share the lamest and most irritating memes they can find. They might get a kick out of the comics in Sunday news papers. Or spit out milk over Garfield. Enough "sarcastic Willy Wonka" pictures, we need more Darth Vadars lighting up cigarettes with his light-saber.

I'd be a liar if I claimed I haven't indulged in sharing memes...but at least I limit myself and choose to share only the funniest ones I come across. I have also made a few dozen of my own, and not using a generator. I'll be unfunny on my own terms, dammit. (In particular, on this very article you're reading.)

But there's one kind of meme I will never understand...

The image-less 'sassy' memes. I hate the term sassy. It's a term that I wish had a physical embodiment, so I could curb-stomp it and piss on its twitching corpse. Terminology I actually despise is necessitated to describe the amount of contempt I have for these memes. When "sassy" is an accurate description of something, it's fair to assume that that 'something' sucks. In fact, it'd be unfair to assume that that something didn't suck.

 This is probably the least shitty meme I'm gonna post. Yea, I've collected some that are so monumentally bad, that THIS cringe-inducing corniness is the least corny of the bunch. Make sure the safety of your pistols are on, you will likely be forced to face-palm so hard it requires a gun.
....god dammit. Really? Now imagine someone just posting this as a text-only stats update. Maybe they'd even tag a few people on it. Everyone would be all like "Faggot!" and "STFU douchebag." But because it's an image, a bunch of these assholes will actually share it. Thinking it's some 'inspiring' and 'bold' image. They somehow get the pass for posting something taxing to the soul to read.

"If you want to keep me there, you're Going to Need Back-up!"

Keep you where, exactly? I don't wanna keep you anywhere besides OFF my Facebook news feed.

So...what, you're either;
 A) Too chickenshit to admit to your own mistake, or 
B) Taking credit for someone else's work?
Go fuck yourself.

I'm pretty sure 'being unable to attempt' is laziness, not failure. Laziness, or maybe having some kind of debilitating handicap; are you suggesting being disabled is failing? You piece of shit. I know I talk a lot of nonsense on this page, but making fun of the handicapped? That's too low, bro. Where's your class?

 Maybe your heart deserved it for posting this crap on your Facebook for hours on end.

This one is hypocritical, considering it's talking shit in itself. Talk all the shit you want, I always say...just make it interesting or over-the-top while you're doing it.

Here's a better idea: take your entire bottle of meds before you even have the chance to get kidnapped.

....shut the fuck up.

And what business would that be? Posting unfunny memes that try too hard to be "sassy"?

You likely aren't weird, deranged, freaky, or psychotic if you need this shitty image to convey that to your shitty friends on Facebook. Actions speak louder than words, and sharing the corniest memes on the internet speaks a tale of blandness, not one of 'psychotic deranged freakiness.' Sorry assclown, you aren't special...not by any stretch of the imagination. None of us are. We'll all live boring, hollow, subservient lives that are getting increasingly shorter due to Fukishima fallout and chemical laden food.

Wanna come across as "psychotic" or "weird?" Go to a nearby fast food restaurant wearing nothing but a trench-coat, knee-high socks, and a half-burned pimp hat. Order a "tossed salad" and "dead baby fetus burger" standing away from the cashier. Then proceed to open your trench-coat, jump on the counter facing the rest of the line, and masturbate furiously while whistling the theme-song to Darkwing Duck.

"The truth" the woman wants to hear, you mean. Not the actual truth. If every man went around telling every attractive woman the actual truth, which usually would go along the lines of "I'd love to bend you over that clearance bin of ketchup and skip town instead of going halves on the abortion," - or other similar, cheerful anecdotes - we'd all be arrested on a daily-to-weekly basis for sexual harassment.

Shocked at what you say? You're posting the lamest, corniest images ever conceived...the only thing shocking is an intense lack of creativity. And you aren't even saying anything, you're just posting other peoples words. Not all that shocking.

That didn't even make sense; zombies eat all kinds of flesh, they don't discriminate on body parts. "I think I'm gonna go for the arm today, the legs have too much fat." Zombies usually tend to go for the organs, ripping open the rib cage to access the tasty treats. Now if you're making a Return of the Living Dead reference, the only zombies that have the munchies specifically for brains, maybe let people know it's a Return of the Living Dead reference.

And still, others were never dropped. Or taken to Disney land. Or paid any attention to whatsoever as children. Resulting in both a lack of personality and them being famished for attention, leading them to seek validation and approval on Facebook using shitty, unfunny images that make people like me want to kick hospitals through field goals and set fire to babies. Fuck validation, say what you want, live your life, and deal with the fallout, when necessary.

Right, and sharing images like this is supposed to be speaking ones mind? Because anyone continually sharing these shitty images seem like they're the ones too brainless to come up with anything. 
There's an entirely different category I haven't even touched upon yet, either. It's the skanky memes that are passed off as "Cute." Usually this is posted by the shitty Facebook pages run by a bunch of older women, that merely share other peoples images. Numerous admins are needed to run these pages?

How about making some original content? All these Facebook pages, they have like 50,000 likes, and they don't create anything original...they just share memes of other Facebook pages that recycle shit of their own. Treat your readers to something nice.

Moreover, at the very least, if you're gonna flaunt promiscuity and try to come off as 'cheeky,' 'sexy,' and 'fun,' why not post some scantily clad photos, instead of these corny images? I'd much rather see some cleavage than 15 shitty, rapid-fire memes you didn't even create.

If you have tits, I guarantee there's at least 20 different people you could call, RIGHT NOW, to play in your "naughty corner." Like, instantaneously, they'll be starting their car by the third text. With the amount of hoops us guys are expected to jump through, and amount of shit tests we're supposed to pass nowadays to get some action, 94% of mankind, is pussy famished.

So stop wasting your time on Facebook posting slutty, reputation-ruining messages, and put out for the guy that paid for your last dentist appointment, or gave you a ride to that job interview. You of the guys you constantly lead on and give shit tests to. Let HIM play in your naughty corner.

  Maybe cream at the top of my lungs, directly in your face, how fucking annoying these Facebook images are. They're not funny, and the only people pretending they're are funny and encouraging you just want to stab their under-utilized pecker into your dried up sausage oven.

  By the throat, with an ever tightening grip? Ok.

No, no you can't. But if you have any hot relatives with nice tits, preferably ones that don't stoop to the level of text-only Facebook memes to express themselves...send them my way. I'm sure they'll love my under-utilized, yet very large schlong in and around their mouth and twat. Oh yea, I hope she likes metal too, because I'm gonna plow her to Symphony-X's "The Odyssey" on surround sound. I might even sing-a-long.

I've become nauseated posting the rest of the memes in this article, and I've lost enough points of my IQ today from doing so.
I usually prefer losing my IQ to psychoactive substances or at music festivals. Not only that, but any small fragment of funniness I am able to channel was drained by these pictures. Stop rehashing the absolute worst of the non-pornographic internet, I've lost my will to attempt comedy. It isn't clever or cute to share these images, especially 60 at a time. They are so terrible, that I hope this article was as painful and unfunny to read as the images you post.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Ron Paul

Politics are a bunch of bullshit. Nearly every election is a collection of dishonest talking heads attempting to pander to the biggest demographic. These idiots discuss pointless non-issues like abortion and gay marriage to avoid having to discuss actual issues like the futility of war, the Federal Reserve, the legalization of hemp, or the staged financial crisis. Why try to make a positive change in the political infrastructure of our country when all you need to do is win over the biggest percentage of the shitty, clueless population so you can fake-run this shitty country?

Enter Ron Paul.

I don't know about you, but when I see a politician constantly trolled by the media in their attempt to psychologically handicap the viewers into supporting other candidates, I get the impression he might be a bit harder to bribe by the powers that be...ya know, the powers that bought all the other candidates. This would also be the same powers that be that bought and paid the media shills to not only troll Ron Paul on air, but to alter poll results in an attempt to get their sheep viewers to vote for anyone else.

Look up any interview he's done on TV.

Look at that bitches face. She looks like she just ate a bowl of Cheerios and dog shit. That smarmy, cunty, condescending tone she uses is annoying to no end. Ron Paul has the patience of a slug to not verbally rape these idiots on live TV, considering the amount of disrespect these spineless hack journalists show him.

"I the goal to get you a prime-time speaking role at the Republican convention? Is that why they're working so hard?"

Well yes, you vapid festering cunt. That's exactly what his supporters are doing. Just trying to get him a prime-time speaking role, nothing more. They couldn't possibly want Ron Paul to, I don't know, get elected as president or something far-fetched like that! He's not running to win! They just want him to speak, that's what they're working so hard for. Because according to shills and hack journalists such as yourself, the entirety of mainstream media really, he has no chance.

Bullshit. The only thing Ron Paul has no chance of is getting fair treatment in a media he refuses to bow down to. Whether you agree with him on every issue or not, he is quite obviously the one candidate that seems interested in revitalizing the merits of the constitution, the one candidate that speaks eloquently, from the heart (and not the wallet), and with honesty.

We couldn't possibly vote someone into office with actual convictions, right? We prefer being lied to and treated like children by our government! Right CNN? And Fox? And MSNBC? And (insert other shitty news outlet here)?

"Did you see a point..." (condescendingly cunty hand gesture) "...maybe that you'd ever consider endorsing Mitt Romney?"

That's a perfectly acceptable question to ask a presidential candidate! Let's not get his stance on issues, we'll just ask him about other candidates, even flat out ask the guy to give up and drop out. That way, our shitty, programmable viewers will be conditioned to believe he has no chance of winning! No one bases their opinions on intellect and insight these days, instead they want to be spoon-fed the easiest and most popular choice.

Just the fact that Ron Paul gets trolled so hard by the media gives me the impression he's the right person for the job. Although he'll probably just get JFK'ed for trying to actually make a difference if he is elected. Wouldn't want someone fucking up the Dark Cabals bank account, now would we? Or giving people back their freedom...

 If only we could get THIS guy voted into office. You're ahead of your time, Vermin Supreme. You're just too far damn ahead of your time.

Friday, May 11, 2012

More Tits, Less Stupidity

This simple equation, coupled with the legalization of hemp, would not only make the world a better place, but actually save it from destruction, stopping the impending apocalypse dead in its tracks.

But then again fuck that, because drugs are bad! (With the exception of all the pills being sold by Big Pharma. Ritalin and adderall are FINE for your 1st grader, it will calm them down and help them study! But pot, a substance safer than water and peanuts, is NOT acceptable, apparently.) And sex? Oh boy, sex is even worse. (Besides all the advertising both demonizing sex, and capitalizing on this bastardized portrayal of it. Let's not look at it as the single act that ensures the longevity and survival of our species, no, let's use it as a marketing gimmick and then bash people over the head with clueless morals when they try to actually indulge in it.)

The news never fails to simultaneously amuse and anger me. It's not exactly an unexpected phenomena, considering how the clueless masses latch onto the medias balls, time and time again, as these poor excuses of journalists continually rehash pointless bullshit like the Tanning Mom story
and bullshit personal issues like Casey Anthony and Trayvon Martin. But the sheep lap it up time and again, like a dog licking the peanut butter out of some lonely, fat, teenaged girls quivering twat, ignoring the smell of the mental yeast infection stories like this are wafting into the collective subconscious.

What do titties and substance-void, hack journalism have in common, you may be asking?

4.7k recommended this on Facebook? God fucking dammit, its a never ending downward-spiral into mediocrity with you people, isn't it? Society isn't just dipping its toes in mediocrity anymore, and it's even past the point of bathing and drinking it...they're now injecting mediocrity between the toes and into their eye-balls. Society has a constant drip in its arm, an IV filled with liquid stupidity.


All the issues that have any precedence on our future, all the issues that hold any weight or importance, are either completely ignored or grouped in with "conspiracy theories." And instead of expanding our consciousness and debating these issues, issues with actual long-term effects, we're instead expected to vehemently dispute our side of the 'public breast feeding' argument.


If anything, the world would benefit from MORE titties, maybe people will actually open their eyes.

No, Yahoo, Time didn't go too far with the cover. And if they did, you just did the same thing, with bonus points of shittiness for stealing their idea instead of finding a different pair of tits.

My first initial thought was "...nice." Followed shortly after by, "Damn I wish I could switch places with that kid. He could even take his little stepping stool with him, I wouldn't even need that shit." My third thought was "Oh snap, her right nipple is perky. Shit could cut through sheet metal."

And just look at that smug little bastard. Look at his face. He's definitely proud of himself. He doesn't know why, it's not a sexual thing, but titties just feel good in his mouth, its a natural instinct.

I can imagine the photographer telling them to pose for this picture. "Ok, Billy, I want you to MOCK the readers with your face. Your face has to scream 'FUCK YOU' to anyone that sees it. PERFECT. Hold that-"

Which brings me to my fourth thought. "That's....kinda creepy." The mom is a MILF, no doubt. It's not like they'd hire an unattractive model for the cover, it wouldn't be nearly as controversial. It wouldn't be as eye-catching if the mom in question didn't cause the passerby to at least casually stiffen/moisten, so said passerby wouldn't purchase it. But either way, despite hotness of the MILF in question, the picture is just creepy. They're both boldly staring into the camera, the mothers hand defiantly placed on her hip, the kids hands covering his toddler boner.

And don't kid yourself, Time isn't trying to provide an interesting and unique insight into breast-feeding for its reader. Because breast-feeding just isn't exactly an introspective process. It's pretty cut and, cut and wet.

Sure, we've evolved to the point of wearing shoes and playing shitty games on our Iphones. But considering we haven't cured cancer, colonized mars, or focused on anything in the news other than sex or violence since the invention of the television, we aren't that far off from animals, are we?

So that means TIME printed this article with the sole intent to make money off stirring contrived controversy, disguising it as an honest piece of journalism. Lazy pieces of shit. But thanks for the rant fodder, TIME and Yahoo. I really wanted to get that Freemason article off the top of the page before I start getting followed around by creepy cars whenever I left the house.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Tanning Mom? Give Me A Break

If there's any other indication necessary beyond stories like this to convince you that the mainstream media is nothing more than entertainment and're fucking clueless. This is the god damn proof of the needle in the pudding haystack that we're either on a fast track to an Idiocracy, or have been there already for years. I'm leaning towards the latter.

There is no shortage of stupidity in today's world. It is quite fashionable to the masses to remain as intellectually mediocre and sub-par as possible, and it's been that way for many, many years. "Just shut up, go to school, keep your mouth shut, work, and die." Right, sounds like a great fucking life full of rich stories and interesting settings...

Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

"Bahaha, she's suffering from....'Tanorexia!' Bahahaha!" "Guess you could say, she's.......tanorexic? Hahahaha!" FUCKING IDIOTS. I bet the shithead who coined 'tanorexia' thinks he's so clever. Sitting in his shitty office with a big shitty smirk on his shitty face. "Tanorexia...oh, me! Hahahaha! How witty and clever!" Whoever came up with that term should be cast into a Snuff-Film remake of Final Destination 3. 

I wanted to save them SO BAD. Or at least recover the bodies....

I think the entire thing is fake. It's a falsification, a hoax...this lady is a fraud! This whole story is just a sick, twisted joke, the events of which never even happened, just like someone finding Big Foot, or the Bay of Pigs, or the moon landings.....all fake.

I hope. I hope the 'tanned to a Thanksgiving turkey brown' mother story is fake. Because stories like this are so shockingly stupid to the senses, it is unhealthy to think of them as anything but fictionalized. It is detrimental to the state of ones sanity and well-being to even acknowledge the existence of these happenings, never mind accept their reality.

If one considered the possibility these aforementioned people and their happenings exist? And not only that, but similar happenings are occurring, perpetuated by similar people, RIGHT NOW, in a hundred thousand different shitty flavors and variations, some of them arguably even stupider and more degradable than this lady tanning herself to the complexion of a discarded leather couch covered in dog and bird feces at the local consider this alarming stupidity is not only a possibility, but an inevitability? One would have to face palm through their own skull, to give themselves enough brain damage necessary to accept this harsh reality. Unless the social conditioning they face every second hasn't already raped their mind to constant tears, that is.

Thank you, Google Images. Time and again you've proven to be a valuable ally. Your death shall be sexy and televised.

Maybe the apocalypse just NEEDS to happen. The balance has long been tipped in the favor of lunacy over rationality. Any semblance of sociological lucidity has long been dead, raped, and buried, arguably for decades. A vast chunk of the worlds population has devolved into idiotic zombies, mindlessly gouging and feasting on whatever dull-witted beguilement will keep them mindlessly distracted from the increasingly shittier state of the world.

"It can't possibly be that bad." You're right, it isn't that bad.

It's far worse.

It's to a point where people actually flaunt their ignorance and uselessness; they are very proud of how unintelligible and slow-witted they are. It's a competition of stupidity.

"Don't expect or try to make a difference, no no. Just shut the fuck one likes a whiner. Stay positive. Live with the flaws, embrace the flaws...don't try to point them out or remedy them...just leave it be. No one likes a complainer; they prefer the blissfully ignorant! You've never seen Curb Your Enthusiasm? See the blissfully ignorant, those types never make ya think...just how we like it."

It's like a sick, one legged race - that people cut their legs off to participate in. 

What, you think I was gonna really leave you hanging on that Final Destination 3 censorship? Hell no. Full scene, tits and all, bitches.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Dark Knight was boring and shitty

"The Dark Knight" was boring and shitty. Really boring, and really shitty. "Batman Begins" was pretty bad-ass, and a masterpiece in comparison to its sequel. Of course, everyone's getting all boned up about the third movie in Nolan's "Batman: CSI" trilogy. Admittedly, I'm getting a bit of a chubby myself as well, but for entirely different reasons than the fanboys. See, everyone else actually wants to see this movie. Me? I'm just happy this shitty 'soap-opera Batman' will be coming to an end.

The Dark Knight was basically a soap-opera with a bit of cos-play thrown into the mix. Let me give you a quick synopsis of the film: various characters are lifted from the Batman universe and thrown into some shitty, poorly written, poorly edited crime drama.

"Soap opera?! But it's a gritty, realistic take on Batman!" Reality is boring...admit it. Boring enough that you people are actually still reading this shitty blog. The 'grittiest' thing most people experience in their lives is having to take a massive, uncomfortable shit in an unclean public restroom. And the embarrassment they for some reason face as they hear footsteps echo alongside the "Plopping" of the chocolatey diarrhea spraying uncontrollably from their asshole. And even the emotions one feel during that shitty and awkward experience are both more potent and less generic than every excruciatingly dull second of 'The Dark Knight.'

The Dark Knight was a clusterfuck of bland, melodramatic dialogue, poorly shot / choreographed action sequences, and plot-holes so gaping they gave a run for his money. And the very worst aspect of the film is how it takes itself so seriously. It's about god damn superheros.

It seems staggeringly obvious to me that the Dark Knight was a largely unfinished product that was rushed into theaters to capitalize on the death of Heath Ledger. It felt unfinished in almost every aspect possible, especially since they forgot to edit out 14 hours of boring, needless bullshit from the 15 hour runtime.

  •  Having a brain. I'm sorry, but if this movie appealed to you as some kind of 'intellectual' piece, you might be stupid. There is about as much pretext in this movie as a lesbian porn called "The Scissor Sisters." (Hint: They play scrabble.) Check out "Arkham Asylum" and "Arkham City" - that is what 'gritty realistic' Batman is supposed to look like - entertaining, well-written, and captivating.
  •   Bruce Waynes raging boner for Harvey Dent was warranted for maybe a minute and 10 seconds, at most, not the duration of the movies run-time. We get it, he wants to retire from fighting crime and bang the sometimes homely, sometimes semi-attractive Maggie Gyllenhaal for the rest of his days. And Harvey Dent is his key to unlock that door of mediocrity. So despite his ridiculous amounts of money and sprawling estate....Bruce Wayne just wants to settle with a decent looking broad who also happens to be a ball busting, cock-teasing bitch? Ok, whatever, let the man settle for less, I'll just ignore that plot-hole and move on. But does this motive of Bruce, a retirement made possible by Harvey Dent, necessitate the constant eye-fucking Bruce Wayne is giving Harvey whenever the two are sharing a room? And isn't Alfred getting jealous? And must he constantly vocalize his longing for Harvey in every scene Dent isn't in the movie? Ironically, Dent is too busy flipping a coin to see if he's going to engage in vaginal or anal intercourse with the girl of Batman's dreams to ever catch the vibe.
  • More money was spent on marketing than making an entertaining movie. The viral marketing for the Dark Knight was more entertaining than the actual movie. And once Heath Ledger died? That was the sign to anyone involved in the movie that actual film-making was irrelevant; this movie would lean entirely on its viral marketing campaign, and the death of one of its stars, to ensure its shitty impact on culture. They could lazily swing through the film-making motions without much effort and still expect a hefty chunk of change. Hell, they wouldn't even have to cut unnecessary scenes from the movie or edit it AT ALL, just throw out a shitty product and sweep the Oscars. The only thing 'new' or 'innovative' about this film was its marketing campaign - the script and acting fell pretty damn short.
  • "You didn't understand the movie!" Believe me, I understood the movies shitty message of duality that it beats brain-dead fans over the head with for its entire 3 day run-time. It's a bit hard to miss when the basis of almost 100% of the movies dialogue is reminding the viewers of the movies message. They rephrase this message about 17,856 times over the course of the movie. I understood the movie fine, what I don't understand is how anyone could actually prefer this to Batman Begins. Oh right, they're just sheep that bought into the media-frenzy and hype that Heather Ledgers death brought to the dinner table. It would be disrespectful of Heath Ledgers legacy to not praise the movie and act like its better than the Godfather. Right. Dig in.
  • The ending was retarded. Batmans man-crush on Harvey Dent is even more evident at the end of the movie. Here Harvey is, about to rape Gordons son right in front of both him and the Batman....and Batman feels the need to protect this mans reputation after his anti-climatic death? Maybe Batman just felt guilty for spying into the lives of all of Gothams citizens in a not-so-subtle nod to the Patriot act? Maybe he felt he deserved to be punished after watching the people he's supposed to be protecting on the toilet, through the cellphone they are texting while they take a shit? Which brings me to my next point...
  • The movie was a propaganda piece. The Joker is the terrorist, blowing up buildings. Anyone who sees faults in government MUST be like him, right? They couldn't rationally hope to change anything, or to protest peacefully, could they? Nope. Anyone who questions authority is a criminal and terrorist that blows up hospitals. Dissidence = terrorism. Batman is the chickenshit shadow government, spying on everyone through their cell-phones to compensate for his lack of actual wit or crime-fighting abilities. At the time, he was a metaphor for the Bush administration. The whole movie is a propaganda piece masturbating Big Brothers ego until it blows its load all over the constitution. And then at the end of the movie, Batman decides it is more important for people to feel safe, presented with lies and cover-ups, than to make their own opinions based on facts and logic. This movie was pure propaganda.
  • Poor action choreography. "Do you want to actually choreograph a coherent fight scene?" "....nah, let's just zoom in really close and shake the camera. We'll just focus on heavy-handed, boring dialogue for the majority of the movie. Then when anyone calls the movie out for being boring, people will insult the intelligence of the person who realizes our lack of effort we put into this production. They'll be called shallow for being honest and not blindly believing the hype!"  "Brilliant!"

I can go on and on about how shitty and bland this lifeless propaganda-piece was. But instead, I might just go replay "Arkham City," a far more capable Batman fiction piece with a far more "realistic and gritty" take, a much better Joker, and writers on the correct side of the fence.

For every second of propaganda in the Dark Knight, there's 10 minutes of footage in Arkham City attempting to shed light on possible futuristic scenarios perpetuated by the worlds power-hungry elite. Hell, the game starts with Bruce Wayne getting arrested for becoming vocal in his distrust of FEMA, Arkham City. Right off the bat you know the people who made this game are on the right side of the class war. Plus, Luke Skywalker makes a far better Joker than one of the gay ranchers from Brokeback Mountain did.

Summary of Heath Ledgers Joker performance: lick lips 15 times for every 2 minutes of screen time.