Monday, April 30, 2012

Trolling Yahoo

There's no way these last for too long on Yahoo before they get censored. Which is why I took these photos via print screen.



 The white dude to the right of Jay-Z is all mortified with himself. He knows he's sitting next to one of the biggest douchebags in the Universe, yet is too chicken shit to voice his hatred. The black man to Jay-Z's left is all like, "Aww snap," like their favored team just scored a touchdown or goal or whatever. And the white lady in the background looks like a reptilian shape-shifter. Or like she is taking a massive dump in public, yet trying NOT to appear satisfied. Or like a reptilian shape-shifter who is taking a massive dump in public.

  Stupid. STUPID. INTENSELY STUPID. This hurts my brain equal amounts to the live footage of Whitney Houstons funeral and the reveal of SNIPERS ON THE ROOFTOPS. The fact they had snipers on the rooftops for a funeral of a pop musician (yet somehow managed to forget their guns and ammunition when people actually protested Dios funeral) just affirms my belief the world is turning into an increasingly shittier episode of the Twilight Zone.

They're DEAD. Which means we don't have to hear about them anymore. So shut the fuck up, and let them rest in peace at the levels of hell reserved for crack heads and pedophiles, and be done with it. 

UPDATE: I already write a blog, Barbara. And I already have wrote a movie script - about LSD that turns people into zombies at a hippie festival. It's a rock opera too epic to ever be filmed.

What a douchebag. Just look at that face. Those aviators. The hat too big for his head. The two front teeth showing ever-so-slightly. The general height of this behemoth as compared to Kim Kardashian makes him look like an even bigger douchebag.

See, I get the impression that Kim is much like Hulk Hogans daughter - she seems like she'd be a lot more handsome of a woman in person. They appear MANLY. And for this guy to look so tall in comparison...just who is this guy, exactly, Super Douche?





 Short. Simple. To the point.

Troll fishing has been taking a while, but we got our first bite.

Update (20 seconds later)
Really, Yahoo? Every time I post a scathing response to a clueless naysayer you censor me. They censored me immediately on two occasions with this one..

 
This one about the Crocodile Hunter had potential, but holy shit do people take too long to respond.


These people aren't even fun to troll. Fuck this shit, I'm going back to my cave and getting high. Gonna fish-bowl that shit.

Yahoo! News is Ridiculous

Every time I check my Yahoo! e-mail in hopes of landing a film-scoring job or some cougar poontang that's ricocheting off my trolling profile for Plenty of Fish (which was an odd selection to reach on naming a dating site, it leaves strong implications of poor vaginal hygiene for the girls on the site), I can't help but torture my glazed, bloodshot stoner eyes with the news section.

Reading the titles of the news articles is like watching a car accident...but both cars are clown cars excessively filled with clowns.

One of the clowns is running around on fire, trying to extinguish the flames, shoes squeaking the entire time. Another is trying to clean a badly bleeding, gasoline soaked wound, likely a severed artery, with one of those squirting flowers. On the sidelines, two bystanders that, incidentally, share an irrational fear of clowns, survey the wreckage together.




Don't believe me on the level of absurdity to be found on Yahoo news? Here are a few quick articles I found - just now - from casually browsing.


"I don't know guys, I just figured if the band is switching genres of music, we'd change our band name too."

How are we supposed to believe the CIA would know that Bin Laden not only planned to change the name of his terrorist group, but said name change was supposedly inspired by his depression? News articles like this don't exactly lend credibility to a government that shows discomfort, hostility, and embarrassment whenever accused of funding and training Bin Laden. "We had ZERO knowledge of pre-determined terrorists attacks...but we're helping Bin Laden get through therapy. We can't afford our next check to bounce, or China will OWN our asses. (Not sexually. (Unless that's what they do to people from foreign countries they own.))


Oh right, the CIA as a figurative record company signed al-Qaida the figurative band to a record deal. And the record deal couldn't let one of their biggest bands start to get disenfranchised, they had a Satanic gospel to spread and money to make the record company. Couldn't possibly let him stay depressed.

Moreover, how are we supposed to believe Bin Laden even existed as anything but a culprit to point the finger at and blame for a tragedy intentionally committed by the same wealthy elite who, less than a decade later, staged a financial crisis that drove our country into its second great depression?


Now I'm waiting for this blog to get censored, and my laptop to be taken away by Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. When erasing my memories, try to erase the memories that lend to the whole "My life is like the Truman Show" suspicions that get worse every week.


Well shit, I hope the poor guy doesn't need to check his e-mail today. And if he does check his e-mail, hopefully he doesn't still prefer Yahoo to Gmail like the small fringe group that noticed the "666" in google chromes logo and doesn't trust any of their products.
It also looks like a poke-ball. Subtle occult worship, I choose you!

Good to see journalistic integrity is alive and well. Lets pester the poor man, get his opinion on the tragic death of his family less than a week before the incident occurred. I'm sure he wants nothing more in this time of great loss and sorrow in his life then to get a taste of fame with a news interview. Right?

We're all supposed to be convinced that our country is broke, and yet we still have a lottery that dishes out cash prizes in multi-million dollar amounts? The fuck? What else do we waste our money and wealth on?

$127,902,706 - to one person - for playing GOLF? GOLF? The same sport husbands utilize as often as they can as an escape from their wives? What does any one person need with $127,902,706 anyway? He could build a huge $1,000,000 mansion in each state of the US to serve as a refuge for the entire states homeless, and STILL have plenty of cash left-over to use to easily cheat on his wife with.

Pay these people reasonably if we have such a supposed limitation on our resources and funds. I realize it's difficult to train and stay in shape for a sport, and remember all the rules of a GAME someone else created and all. But in terms of entertainment value, sports is by far the least creative.

Take basketball. Once they brought in the slam dunk - innovation over. Unless they start using jetpacks and 50 foot baskets, that sport is done evolving. There are no more innovations to be made. The only thing you'll see changing is lineups, jerseys, and salaries. Aside from that - same shit, every time you watch it.

Other forms of entertainment require a thorough process of creation (or plagiarism). Music, comedy, art, video games. Even film-making, despite its quickening degeneration into a series of remakes, re-imaginings, rehashes, and unnecessary sequels/prequels, still requires a shit-ton more creative effort than the process of throwing / kicking / slap-shotting a basketball / soccer ball / puck into a net.

In terms of entertainment, things that require no cognitive thought beyond performing a redundant set of physical actions SHOULD NOT be celebrated and funded more than the creation, from scratch, of an entirely unique and personal piece of art that required a talent beyond mere physical means in its creation.


IE: Making something original is more impressive than swinging through the motions someone else thought up. Thus...pay musicians more money.


Dammit, if only it had read "Cannibalistic corpses of recently deceased humans: The invasion has begun."

....what? If the Mayans were right, I'm rooting for zombies. What of it? Fuck the Planet X theory, where's the fun in that? Have you seen Melancholia? Shit would be boring. Although nailing Kirsten Dunst in a wedding gown on a golf course would be pretty epic. (No, I wouldn't be wearing the wedding gown, Kirsten Dunst would be. Go watch the movie.)


What a bunch of fucking pussies. He's SIX YEARS OLD. Unless this kids head was rotating a full 360 degrees and he was speaking in foreign tongues, I'm pretty sure the parents could've handled it without the police (or an exorcist) getting involved. Even if they're too chicken shit to give him a few backhands, I think todays punishment of taking away his Iphone for a day or two would make the little fucker think twice before he kicks his principal in the nuts again.


Holy shit, really? Is this even legal? Between news articles like this one, the Van Halen Reunion, Tenacious D releasing their entire album online for free, and the complete lack of winter this year, not to mention that eerie orange glow the night sky now has, I'm really starting to think shit might hit the fan this year....
....
...
..
.

I'm out, gonna try and locate $10,000 and buy that stealth ship to ride out the apocalypse in.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Dancing (Sucks)

DANCING SUCKS (AND IS ANNOYING)

Being a musician that has played (and thrown) a good number of shows and music festivals in the jam band circuit (aka modern Hippie Scene), I've come to hate the preconceived notion that one must dance at a show....AT ALL....never-mind the entire fucking time there's music playing. (Or all weekend, if its a music festival.)

Especially irritating are the snooty bands that pick fun at any audience that aren't desperately trying to out-groove each other like some Bizarro universe You Got Served contest.

"What an active crowd..." (snicker snicker snicker)

Well fuck you, you douchebags, just be happy people are watching you play your music at all. What, you need people to be dancing to realize they like your music? Maybe you need to develop more confidence in your artistic output if you NEED to see your audience dancing to be satisfied with your performance. Audience participation is great...but the attendance is far more important than the activity.

Chances are you're just another boring Phish or Disco Biscuit clone, anyways. Maybe that's why you determine your success on how much people are dancing at the show. Because you know you stole your sound. Trying to order and coerce your audience into dancing is foolish. Craft a unique and original sound you KNOW people will be captivated by if you want to ensure they'll dance to your shit. And irregardless of the amount of dance activity you view from your lofty positions on stage, you should assume people enjoy the music by their presence alone. If they aren't hucking tomatoes or leaving the room, you're doing something right. (Or something stupid enough for them to understand, apparently.)

What's that, you aren't just another useless, shitty Phish or Disco Biscuits clone, you say? Oh I'm sorry, you must be another one of the 15,675 unnecessary Grateful Dead cover bands saturating the jam circuit, my mistake. Pretty sure Dark Star Orchestra has the "kick-ass Grateful Dead experience" job on lock down, and there's already a half dozen other decent cover bands. How many more do we really need?


It takes a really special kind of groove combined with a certain amount of whiskey to give me the urge to gyrate like an idiot in front of a bunch of random strangers. My ears can enjoy the music well enough, I don't think it is necessary to get my legs and arms involved - unless it's a completely involuntary action. At which point, my body actually feels the urge to groove to the music. It is not forced, it's just a natural reaction. There's no reason to expel energy to appear "hip" to a bunch of assholes who judge each other on their knowledge of Grateful Dead lyrics or how long they've been living from bench to bench on Ratdog tour.

"You're just self-conscious, man!" What's more self-conscious shithead, feeling the need to dance to fit in, or standing your own ground and choosing to conserve your energy for the wild coke and sex parties being held after the show? (Oh, you weren't invited to the aforementioned coke and sex party? That sucks. Will I get you on the VIP list? No. Your girlfriend is more than welcome to attend though.) I'd rather spend my time at the concert...I don't know...WATCHING THE BAND. As a musician, I actually want to see what they are doing. NOT for people to watch what I'm doing on the dance floor. (Unless I'm performing that night with my guitar.) And NOT to watch uncoordinated, piss-drunk assholes sloppily spin and trip across the same dance-floor. God damn attention whores.

I think everyone looks like fucking idiots when they dance - myself included. But far more so when you can tell it's forced. Nothing looks more awkward than forced dancing.
  
You can even tell some of these assholes are trying SO HARD to dance the most intense in the room. Well....FUCK YOU people, you are not the focus of the concert, the band you bought tickets to see is the focus of the concert. Stop trying to be the center of attention with your shitty dance moves. And get out of the fucking way and let me watch them jam. Go "express yourself" in the corner, I'm here to watch the BAND express themselves...musically.

Angry dancing is a bit of an exception.

"Well what about hot girls dancing, and strippers? Isn't that sexy?" Sure, it's sexy...in the privacy of my bedroom. Or in the case of festivals, the semi-privacy of my tent. And having bagged a few strippers in my day...they're nothing special. Surprisingly smart - but in manipulative ways. If anything, I prefer corrupting the innocent women, not dipping my pen in sloppy ink.

Back to dancing. I have a horrible back. I am pretty sure I can blame this bad back on my various, weaponless, polar bear killing voyages to the arctic. Or maybe the butter-knife lion hunting expeditions in Africa. In any case, it sometimes hurts to stand for the duration of a concert, and I actually prefer sitting if the option is available. (Listening to shitty, generic music and watching shitty, hive-minded fans do shitty, off-time dance moves is collectively far more intense than the back pain ever will be.) I'm not gonna strain my back into a series of knots on purpose unless, like I said, my body starts to involuntarily move to the music. And that is a pretty rare occurrence. Like a solar eclipse. Or me admitting I'm wrong.

So now I sound like a party-shitter of extraordinary proportions, I'm sure. Or a fire and brimstone Bible thumper type. "Dancing should be outlawed! It's Sunday, why aren't you in Church?" I don't think it should be outlawed, and I have no issue with people having fun at a concert. But that's if ones body catches a rhythm and they start to dance involuntarily. I have no issue with that, I'm not a Nazi. But the people that FORCE THEMSELVES to dance for every song....they look like enormous douchebags.



Here is something I would actually be forced to bust out the dance moves to.

And it's impossible NOT to dance to a Here Come the Mummies song, just try not to start grooving to this funk.

But to dance...just to impress people? That's for fucking losers.

NOTE: You can literally replace almost every instance of "Dancing" with "Moshing" and that's how it pertains to metal shows. Re-read the article as moshing.



Being a musician that has played (and thrown) a good number of shows in the metal band circuit (aka modern Metalcore Scene), I've come to hate the preconceived notion that one must mosh at a show....AT ALL....never-mind the entire fucking time there's music playing. (Or all weekend, if its a music festival.)

Especially irritating are the snooty bands that pick fun at any audience that aren't desperately trying to out-mosh each other like some Bizarro universe You Got Served contest.

"KICK EACH OTHERS FACES IN!" (ineffective growl)

Well fuck you, you douchebags, just be happy people are watching you play your music at all. What, you need people to be moshing to realize they like your music? Maybe you need to develop more confidence in your artistic output if you NEED to see your audience moshing to be satisfied with your performance. Audience participation is great...but the attendance is far more important than the activity.

Chances are you're just another boring metalcore clone that puts shitty hardcore breakdowns into your music, anyways. Maybe that's why you determine your success on how much people are moshing at the show. Because you know you stole your sound. And image. Trying to order and coerce your audience into moshing is foolish. Craft a unique and original sound you KNOW people will be captivated and enraged by if you want to ensure they'll mosh to your shit. And irregardless of the amount of mosh activity you view from your lofty positions on stage, you should assume people enjoy the music by their presence alone. If they aren't hucking razor blades or leaving the room, you're doing something right. (Or something stupid enough for them to understand and floor punch to, apparently.)

It takes a really special kind of brutality combined with a certain amount of whiskey to give me the urge to punch people in the fucking face for no reason. My ears can enjoy the music well enough, I don't think it is necessary to get my legs and arms involved - unless it's a completely involuntary action. At which point, my body actually feels the urge to destroy someones ability to breath through their nose. It is not forced, it's just a natural reaction. There's no reason to expel energy to appear "hip" to a bunch of assholes who judge each other by the amount of shitty hardcore breakdowns appear on their contrived metalcore albums.

"You're just a pussy, man!" What's more pussy shithead, feeling the need to mosh to fit in, or holding front row down and conserving your energy for the wild coke and sex parties being held after the show? (Oh, you weren't invited to the aforementioned coke and sex party? That sucks. Will I get you on the VIP list? No. Your girlfriend is more than welcome to attend though.) I'd rather spend my time at the concert...I don't know...WATCHING THE BAND. As a musician, I actually want to see what they are doing. NOT for people to watch my fist coming towards their face and causing their eyeball to explode in a bloody mist. (Unless I'm performing that night with my guitar.) And NOT to watch uncoordinated, piss-drunk assholes sloppily spin and trip across the same dance-floor. God damn attention whores.

I think everyone looks like fucking idiots when they mosh - myself included. But far more so when you can tell it's forced. Nothing looks more awkward than forced moshing.
  
You can even tell some of these assholes are trying SO HARD to mosh the most intense in the room. Well....FUCK YOU people, you are not the focus of the concert, the band you bought tickets to see is the focus of the concert. Stop trying to be the center of attention with your shitty moshing. And get out of the fucking way and let me watch them jam. Go physically assault and molest those people with Trivium shirts on in the corner, I'm here to watch the band.


I have a horrible back. I am pretty sure I can blame this bad back on my various, weaponless, polar bear killing voyages to the arctic. Or maybe the butter-knife lion hunting expeditions in Africa. In any case, it sometimes hurts to stand for the duration of a concert, and I actually prefer sitting if the option is available. (Listening to shitty, generic music and watching shitty, hive-minded fans do shitty, frantic moshing is collectively far more intense than the back pain ever will be.) I'm not gonna strain my back into a series of knots on purpose unless, like I said, my body starts involuntarily inflicting excessive damage to everyone with the barbed wire and glass shard gloves I'm wearing in the pit.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

WARNING: This video will haunt you for years

WARNING: If you are bored with life, severely depressed, and/or teetering on the edge of sanity, DO NOT watch this video. I repeat, DO NOT watch this video, it will likely force you into a blinding rage that sends you on a merciless killing spree. 


This video is like an AIDs / Cancer combo with a slice of Hepatitis C and whisper of mad cow disease, injected directly to the brain. This is the corniest music video since Rebecca Black’s “Friday” violently raped ear-sockets and eye-drums the world over, and it might be even worse.

NOTES MADE WITH SELF-FORCED VIEWING
  • What exactly are those douchebags high-fiving about? "Ready to lose all self-respect in the participation of this video, brah?" "Gufaaww...yea!"
  • Did that kid really just abbreviate his high school name? "That's why at Cy-Ranch, we don't do that. This is how we do it." By what, writing arguably the worst, most awkward song in the history of music and coupling it with the corniest, most awkward music video of all-time? I hope everyone involved as a positive force in the production of this video gets bullied to the point of contemplating suicide.
  • Dudes doing off-timed lip-syncing to an auto-tuned chick singing painfully generic melodies? As a musician, I can't possibly finish this crap...can I?
  • I'm assuming that third chick singing, the one who looks like a 37 year old lesbian, is the one who wrote the song. I make this assumption judging by her infuriating enthusiasm. Those facial expressions reserve her the worst kind of sodomy at the lowest level of hell. What a cunt.
  • How edgy, the lyricist (for lack of a better term) used the word "sucks" and emphasized it like she's some kind of badass! This is fast becoming more painful to watch than getting teeth pulled. At least when I was getting teeth pulled I had laughing gas to enjoy while my molar was violently ripped out. And a homeless stripper with a huge rack to eye-fuck. She had a grungy, covered in dirt look that was pretty sexy. (Did I mention my dentists office is in an alleyway?)
  • Ok, this officially has to be the group of biggest faggots I've seen on the internet. And I've been tricked into watching Lemon Party and PhoneTrace.org
  • Oh snap, is that a slew of rent-a-pigs saluting the camera? You're training to be PAID BULLIES, that's all that most law enforcement officials do is bully people these days, you hypocritical subservient fuckwads.
  • Fake mustaches used in an unflattering fashion? WHAT? You can't be serious. Fake mustaches are fucking awesome, and are appropriate in almost every circumstance. During sex. While eating. At funerals. This video has proven the only exception to the rule. My life is a lie...
  • I'm waiting for a teacher to bust out of a classroom and say "GET BACK TO CLASS, YOU BUNCHA SISSIES! I knew I should have filled my water bottle with vodka today!"
  • Fall off the balcony...fall off the balcony...fall off the...all right, palm the camera instead, not as classy as falling to a painful death, but still much needed. Now if only you could somehow disrupt the terrible audio, you'd be doing Youtube a real service.
  • That's right, Cy-Ranch students, cheer for your mediocrity! Cheer the fact you are involved in possibly the corniest production of anything. EVER. Relish in your message about anti-bullying, without even a hint of self-awareness that this kind of pansy-ass behavior is exactly what necessitates bullies in the first place. Ignore the fact that without criticism, far less people would be inspired in their rage to push the limits of their creative output to prove the naysayers wrong, it's ok. Blindly give praise and ambition to everyone that are shitty instead of pushing them to progress.
  • This video displays almost everything wrong with society. It showcases the murder of music, death of self-awareness, rape of the music video format...just awful.

I wonder if someone had the common decency to at least attempt the intentional fuck-up of this hopeless production. I'm talking, enough intentional mishaps to discourage these little assholes from completing and releasing this festering turd. Maybe pull a fake set of prosthetic testicles out right when the camera pans by. Or trip the camerman down a flight of stairs. Or spike the drinking fountains with LSD and dose the entire school an hour before they started filming. Those are all variations that would have made that video slightly entertaining.

It sure as hell looks like a lot of those students being filmed felt extremely awkward being a part of this crapfest, too. I wonder if anyone in the school refused participation? Perhaps a doctors note?



All they had to do was go with "Cheesiness" instead of "Corniness." Because "Cheesy" will always trump "Corny." Do you know the difference? Here's a diagram to help you out.




Corny is the absolute worst way to go about defending oneself from bullying. Corny has no sense of irony or self-deprecation, it takes life too seriously. Cheesy is too over-the-top and bombastic to take itself, or life for that matter, seriously at all. Cheesy inflicts the worst insults on itself (and in some cases everything around it) before the bully has the chance, and has fun while doing it. Corny is too self-important and forgets to laugh. Cheesy transcends bullying and judgement, because it's too busy railing gaggers of blow off pairs of firm titties. Real titties, too, none of that silicone shit.

If they really wanted to stop bullying, they should have utilized guitar solos and pyrotechnics. Instead of douchebag high school students making smarmy, unrealistic remarks at the beginning of the video and trading awkward gestures toward each other, (just look at the black chick and tall white dude at the start of the video pretending to be a couple...either the dude is gay, or the girl is racist) they should have been running from a swarm of zombies, forcing themselves through hordes of flesh-eating undead to make their way to Cy-Ranch to barricade themselves in. Several dying along the way, getting picked off and viciously mauled (all caught on camera, of course) on their way into the school. The rest of the video could have been depicting their slow descent into insanity, and eventual painful deaths from starvation.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Irrational superstions that make rational fears

IRRATIONAL SUPERSTITIONS BUT RATIONAL FEARS

 For my 13th post, I thought I'd rant about irrational superstitions that actually make rational fears. (To offset all the bad luck and bad juju that post number 13 brings, of course. I've been worried about going past my 12th post.)
 
#1: Breaking a mirror
Breaking a mirror isn't going to bring you 7 years of bad luck...unless you choose not to clean the broken glass for those 7 years. So go ahead and break a mirror....but clean that shit afterwards. (Unless you're a liberal. Or republican. Or democrat. Or pedophile. Then, alternatively, eat it.)

#2: Black Cats
 Apparently, if a black cat walks towards you, it brings good fortune....if it walks away, it takes the good luck with it.

Well what about black cats carrying fleas? Or better yet, the BLACK PLAGUE? They aren't bringing good fortune...they're bringing fleas. And black plague. You want those fuckers to walk the other way, not come towards you.

And I'm pretty sure no one wants to tangle with a black panther either.
 Whoops, image malfunction.



#3: Walking Under A Ladder
If you have the good fortune of being on the ground and walking UNDER a ladder, be glad you aren't testing said ladders sturdiness in a hailstorm. Or falling off of one. Walking under a ladder is probably the best place you could be. In regards to a ladder.

Also, if you have children, a rational fear would be the game SHOOTS AND LADDERS....if your child is playing said game with a pedophile in his windowless van, that is.

#4 Opening an umbrella inside
Opening an umbrella inside is an indication of stupidity, not bad luck.

#5 Bird Shitting on you = good luck
Damn, maybe you should've kept the umbrella from #4. A bird shitting on you is only coined as an indication of "good luck" because it is likely the worst thing that is going to happen to you that day, possibly even that week or month.

What are the odds of a bird shitting on you? All that land around you, all that open area...ground, and trees, rocks and houses and fields. Inanimate objects, that wouldn't mind getting pooped on, as far as the eye can see.

Or maybe people you don't like standing nearby could get pooped on instead. Seeing THAT would be pretty lucky, compared to being a victim of the projectile feces yourself. 

Or perhaps the few odd scat fetish / beastiality advocates in the nearby region could get hit. It'd be very lucky for them, considering its part of TWO of their sick fetishes. Actually, if you were in close enough proximity to scat fetish / beastiality advocates often enough to eventually witness one of them getting pooed on by a bird, (those statistics are overwhelmingly scant) it is fairly likely there is much worse scenarios that could unfold to ruin your day than seagull poo, so perhaps bird shit would be the least of your worries.

#6 Dogs Howling = Death
Hearing a dog howl late at night in the distance is NOT a sign of death....
....but being stranded in the wilderness and hearing a pack of howling wolves getting increasingly louder? That MIGHT be a sign of death. Or a sign of nearby furries. Which could result in experiences so terrible you might wish you were dead.


#7 Most Conspiracy Theories
This one might be a shock. But just because I'm a Conspiracy Enthusiast doesn't mean I believe all that garbage I read. I don't think a huge amount of these supposed plots are being orchestrated in any fashion, beyond the orchestration of the fictionalized accounts I read on the message boards. (On my second laptop used only for conspiracy theories / animal porn, of course. If the government comes to take my computer, they ain't getting this music production laptop...they're getting the Dell.)

The real thing to fear with these superstitions is the overwhelming stupidity of most of our species...that humans are so stupid, so mindlessly ignorant of their situation, that they not only allow a small wealthy elite to control them, but they love every second of it. And not only that, but these other theories, the more crazy and ridiculous of them, actually sometimes sound somewhat logical, considering how fucked up of a situation we as a human race have gotten ourselves into. What with our constant refusal to learn from (or admit to) our mistakes and faults.

I'm not saying there's a depopulation agenda, or the Mayans accurately predicted the end of the world. I'm just making a logical assessment based on the financial, spiritual, and political infrastructure of our government and society. And that assessment is that the people in charge simply don't care about us. This didn't take hours upon hours of research, its quite obvious when observing culture from an indifferent, third person perspective, that this is true. I was disenfranchised from about the 5th grade on. And I've only witnessed more and more stupidity, levels of stupidity reaching critical levels at an alarmingly swift rate, as I've reached my 23rd year on this planet.


This, I feel, is just an undeniable truth everyone avoids acknowledging; that the people with most of the money don't care about the people with the rest of the money. Calling it conspiracy theory at this point is ignorance. Everything to the people that run world and write the biggest checks boils down to advertising, marketing, manufacturing, production, materialism, and profits.

And this is really the only theory that continually bugs me, gnawing at my subconscious like a stoned zombie with a serious case of the munchies. Making it physically painful to go into public sober.

Shit that promotes stupidity is selling well? Well get the assembly moving quicker, we need to make more money off this constant decline in intellect! I want 50 more Lady Gaga clones and 25 more Lil Wayne wannabes by next week!
Wait, processed food might cause cancer? Same thing with artificial sweeteners? Better sweep that under the rug and genetically modify as MANY crops as we can. It won't matter for us, we're on our way out anyway! Fukushima will be the death of ALL our grandchildren! Better maximize profits while we're still breathing. Might as well fuck future generations more, they're already taking it in most of their orifices on an hourly basis!
Fluoride is BAD for you? Shit.....lift up that rug again, and give me that broom with the FOX News sticker on it...
If we tell the people what's really up on the news, they're gonna be PISSED at how much we've fucked up. We gotta distract them with a bunch of bullshit instead. Lets try to cook up a race war and find a story about an insignificant murder and blow the trial out of proportion on TV.


Pot is evil....because it cuts into our own profits. We make this assumption blind, because we remain willfully oblivious to all the revenue it could bring in for us, as well as the happiness it will bring to countless citizens we are being paid to protect. But we don't want to protect them...we just want to profit off them in every way imaginable. We'd rather spite people than try to make something to benefit anyone but ourselves. One for none, and none for all.


Not only is there that whole "government is more interested in money than anything else...including human life" thing, but the craziest of the conspiracy theories are a lot of fun to read; it's another twisted hobby for people with a dark sense of humor. 



However...
If the world is run by reptilians...or if the world is just a computer simulation...or if a second sun with its own set of planets is going to roll through our solar system and wipe out human existence this December...if any of it is true, our involvement is so miniscule in changing the course of fate, that we might as well focus on the most obvious and blatant issue...

...why aren't we partying?

We gotta call out the people stealing all the money and using it to buckle down before the end comes, leaving the rest of us in the dark, working like slaves. Why let the wealthy elite have all the fun in the end times? I wanna go out like a champion when we hit the 5th dimension, too! I want to be balls deep in Olivia Munn when the pole shift hits.




We should have been having the craziest party of all-time since at least...2000 to bring in the end of the world!

The fact that would get me most pissed, if the 'powers that be' are really hiding some looming apocalypse...they expect everyone to live out the rest of this bland existence pushing papers and going to work when they should be tripping balls on drugs and getting laid by their wives sisters.

But instead of an epic, 10 year binge the entire planet is in on together, instead, a select group of very few people will be going into the bunkers to have the craziest drunken orgies since the Roman Empire. C'mon now, they're all so.....old, and....boring. Well, I guess it won't be the craziest orgies since the Roman Empire...it'll be the blandest, ugliest orgies of all time.


I was gonna do 13 of these superstition / fear things, but screw that. It'll take way too long.

USELESS TOPICS OF DISCUSSION

It seems like our government and society is always zeroed in on the most trivial of  issues.....always trying to focus in on the smallest picture possible to hide the bigger one that reveals all the important and juicy shit. (The picture they painted, control, and will soon tear off the wall of the museum....the museum they built.)

All the constant issues are petty, inconsequential, and pointless to debate. How can anyone deny the fact MOST news and ALL political rhetoric are psyops and disinformation? Intentionally crafted issues and stories, designed to keep people dumb, docile, and divided? It's a constant attack on our intelligence. It's a way to keep us at each others throats instead of making sense of the system enslaving us. "The Game is rigged..."

How can anyone deny the fact that pop culture is on a steady and intentional decline? That todays most advertised TV, music, and movies demean and insult the human spirit, continually lowering everyones standards? Or that through subtle mass-hypnosis, the slow kill of intellect has been rampantly ravaging our society for decades, raping her of her creativity and freedom, all to maximize profits for a wealthy elite? Is this not obvious to anyone else?

Ignorance and stupidity is celebrated. Mediocrity is endorsed.

And then anyone who points this shit out is immediately attacked by all the sheep either too embarrassed or too blind to admit to themselves they have no standards. Anyone mocking the societal slavery system is called "crazy" and a conspiracy theorist, or a "liberal" or a "hippie" or some other bullshit term used by the sheep as a defensive mechanism to divert the debate to petty insults instead of a civil discussion.

Before YOU call ME crazy for suggesting politicians talk a bunch bullshit to keep people distracted from true issues, let's discuss....

USELESS TOPICS TO DISCUSS


ABORTION
Debates rage about abortion. Lets end that debate right now. I thought everyone is supposed to be worried sick about overpopulation? Hell, millions of people even believe there is a sinister depopulation agenda already in play. (I may or may not be one of them. ;) )

So why ban what is, at the worst, the most humane form of murder ever - killing an unborn entity? It's preemptive murder. It's like cracking open an egg for breakfast. Quit fooling yourself otherwise...

There's a soul in that unborn fetus, you say? Well then if you believe in the existence of the soul, you'll be doing that unborn baby a favor...maybe when its born 10 years down the line instead of next Tuesday, in a completely different human host, to a different parent, the world won't be as fucked up and uneducated as it is now. (Unless, of course, Idiocracy was as prophetical as it appears. Step aside, Nostradamus.)


GAY MARRIAGE
How is this an issue at all? WHO CARES? Anyone who hates gays but wants to ban their right to get married is an idiot. What's that you say, you're sick and tired of seeing these butt fuckers flamboyantly preach about their sexuality and rights? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND JUST LET THEM GET MARRIED. Maybe then, they'll also shut the fuck up, having no more need to be so vocal, and we can all bask in the glory of unvoiced hatred and petty intolerance. 

And moreover, unless you yourself are currently getting raped by a cock, or have a hot girlfriend you suspect might be getting her cock from cocks other than your own cock, the only cock you need to worry about is your own cock. Actually hating someone over their sexual preference is like hating someone over their love of lasagna, a food which you are not particularly fond of. Get over it. The more gays in the world, the less competition the rest of us will have in our quest for pussy.


RACISM
Someone has a different color of skin tone? (Gasp), they have a different culture and upbringing, and came from a different part of the planet? I don't like 'em. Ya know what? LETS LYNCH THEM! I'll get the rope, you grab a torch and some pitch-forks! Lets round 'em up! Or better yet, we'll just bomb them. Wipe their entire sorry ass country off the face of the planet.

Racism is retarded in every way. It's like when people hate pitbulls. "Well, that breed of dog might ATTACK me!" Any breed of dog has the ability to attack you, asshole. And any race of human could shoot you, stab you in the back, fuck your girlfriend, or fire you from your job. Hate people on a personal basis for relevant reasons. Like, that asshole that shot you, that douchebag that stabbed you in the back, or that Brazilian that fucked your girlfriend.




RELIGION
The only thing I have against religion...is everything. But really, I think everyone takes religion a little too seriously. Instead of arguing about which deity is worthy of our undying praise and worship, why not instead focus on making the world the best place possible to please said deity?

Unless that deity wants you to kill other people to improve the planet.



I'm sure if there is a god, it would prefer us improving our planets situation than worshiping its position of power. For that matter, would a god even be self-aware? Or could existence itself and our ability to manipulate it.....be god?

I just prefer seeing religion in the light it was crafted - as a collection of stories and morals a person can read to get some insight on how to personally better themselves and live in harmony. You people thinking that every event depicted in the Bible actually happened, that there was a giant flood and they brought two of each kind of animal on board and we all came from Adam and Eve and...you're missing the point.


OVERBEARING OPTIMISM
(AKA PEOPLE OFFENDED BY CYNICISM)
When people get annoyed with other peoples negativity, and start to rant about being offended or how its not nice or how people need to stop being so negative, blah blah blah....shut the fuck up, pussy. Don't rant about someone elses discontent without observing the reasons why. Either debate them on the issues you have with their reasoning, laugh at the twisted humor, or attack them verbally to their face(book) / e-mail. Or better yet, simply ignore it, genius.

People always call anyone outspoken and bold an asshole. I get that vibe all the time. (Safe to assume anyone reading this blog is NOT surprised.) Well sure, of course us outspoken philosophical types are assholes...that is our job. We aren't smiling and nodding, blindly accepting what every douchebag in a position of authority wearing a badge or a tie is violently force-feeding us. Instead we're saying "Shut the fuck up. YOU'RE WRONG.......and here's why."

Maybe I actually enjoy ranting and expressing an opinion in a satirical fashion, shithead. Maybe this is written with the intention to make you laugh. Maybe it's supposed to make you think from a different, more cynical, completely over-the-top perspective to give you new insight.

I never attacked you personally, did I? Yet....you now choose to attack me personally to voice your disapproval of my opinion? That's all fine and dandy, and by all means exercise your right to be offended and call me names. But I'm just saying, maybe you oughta ponder the possibility you're simply too stupid or chickenshit to have an actual debate.


The things I rant about are either very broad, impersonal subjects, or musicians that are far more successful and rich than I'll ever be. They have millions of dollars, they don't give a shit what I write on here. Neither should any of you. And if you do give a shit what I write, debate me like a nerd, you bitches. Back your opinions and mud-slinging up; clearly I take the time to express what my point entails, in excruciating detail. And my intent is to make people laugh, what is your intent? To make me feel guilty about these posts? Actually debate with me, jackass...

...so I can verbally rape you.

I respect your intelligence enough to illustrate my point in detail...do the same when you insult me for having these outlandishly twisted thoughts.

"Slacktivist." "Liberal." "Hippie." Oh shut the fuck up, I put out 20 - 30 free songs a year that I compose, produce, and record all by myself. From a musicians perspective, that isn't slacking, you douchebag. Not to mention all the digital art I make to go along with those songs.





And now I'm even writing a comedy blog, too! (I'll post a link to it, sometime.) Let's see your creative output into the world. Oh, what's that, your creative output is whatever shitty, inbred opinion you put on your facebook? Or verbally berate peoples rants while simultaneously ignoring the free, quality content they post? (I'm looking at you, Facebook friends.)


Well good job shit head, you're thousands of times worse than the person you're attacking, because the point they were trying to make seemed to completely fly over your head while you were too busy being offended. And you also seemed to miss the bombastic, over-the-top joke, too, making you equal parts retard and asshole.

I'll stop being bitter (in my comedy writings) and start being optimistic (in my comedy writings) when society stops being so shitty, materialistic, and mediocre. (In my comedy writings)

Antichrist Threat?




I fear they shall spawn the antichrist. QUELL THIS UNHOLY UNION!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

5 Tools Musicians Need in Their Arsenal

Top 5 Tools Every "Rock Star" Needs (And Forgets To Acknowledge)

1. Talent
 Let me start with what might be, arguably, THE most important tool in a musicians arsenal: TALENT.

With the continually declining quality and presentation of music in the mainstream, it's safe to say all of our ear drums have been heavily saturated with bullshit before we've even hit grade school. This is bullshit of all different varieties. There are so many different levels of bland, hues of mediocrity, and shades of insipidity, I could easily write another 15 articles on this topic within the next 20 minutes, and I'd only be warming up.



If you THINK talent isn't important, it's only because you're a fucking idiot. You've been conditioned to support such crap your entire life, you actually care more about a bands image or sex appeal than you do their actual artistic output.

There are countless musicians out there. I'm talking millions of musicians, and likely hundreds of thousands of bands. It's safe to assume almost ALL these musicians that have truly dedicated their lives to making a career as a performing artist fall under one of these categories: 



Shitty, generic, and millionaires
or
Unique, innovative, and criminally underrated


There seems to be little ground in between - it's either Beethoven or Beiber. (There's also the transitional stage between being a nobody with shitty music to being a nobody with shitty music and lots of money.)

The mainstream these days...it celebrates the worst possible aspects of culture. I'm talking music so bad it should be called "Ear Rape." And this shit infests every radio station and music based TV channel. You can't escape the "Lil Waynes" and "Shinedowns," they are what the marketing giants of the music industry want - corporate shills disguised as musicians playing other peoples compositions under other peoples lyrics, all for corporate profits and a dumber society.

Shit, at least Led Zeppelin took the time to steal from their sources personally - Jimmy Page was hard at work, getting blown by a groupie at 4:30 AM after a gig, trying to come up with the next Zeppelin tune for their first album. So he jumps on Google late at night, finds a Youtube playlist of rare footage of 30's blues musicians  and starts stealing all sorts of shit. Meanwhile, Robert Plant is stealing lyrics from artists he was lazily tracking down off Bing.com while HE is getting blown by HIS groupies in the hotel room across the hall. They're even sharing the same Wi-Fi connection and everything. Zep were so embarrassed of their compositional impotence, they hid the fact they stole these riffs and lyrics, even to each other - Robert Plant had NO idea he was singing his stolen lyrics over a stolen guitar riff. And Jimmy Page didn't give a fuck what Robert Plant was singing, he was just trying to tune that shrill sounding fairy singing "BABY" a hundred times out of his ears so he could play KIND OF on time.

Sure, they only gave a half-assed attempt at covering their tracks; they didn't really alter the riffs or change the lyrics all that much. Hell, some Zeppelin songs were THREE PLAGIARISMS AT ONCE. And that's why they ended up getting sued...as well they should have. But they had to WORK to steal this material somewhat.


Bands these days get all their unoriginal music directly from the record companies. Shit is probably printed on glossy coated sheet music in a golden frame.


They're probably receiving their "Band Objectives" verbally while they pleasure their record executives orally...as per the recording contract stipulations.

Hell, one might even begin to assume that the mainstream music industry is based solely around money, image, marketing, and very little, if any, actual artistic merit. That they abandoned, years ago, promoting anything with actual worth.

This would even explain the  extensive battle to fight piracy, because they realize everyone's getting sick of PAYING for the shitty music they're being force-fed, especially when they can steal it on the internet instead.

2. Innovation
Notice how all the big rock bands of the late 60's and the 70's all had their own style? Their own unique sound? No one else sounded like Jethro Tull, not without a time machine and the 3 years it would take to teach medieval minstrels the fundamentals of electric guitar. (And the 10 years or so it would take to rediscover electricity.)

No one had the same edgy heaviness of Black Sabbath. Or the fish-fucking and plagiarism of Led Zeppelin, that was ORIGINALLY uncreative. Bands were actively seeking the transcendence of genre limitations, trying to create something new. Each vocalist back in the day had their own unique voice; they could each have starred as part of a rock opera and played a separate, unique character. Imagine, Roger Daltry belting out a conversation with Meat Loaf about the weather?

But nowadays, ENTIRE GENRES OF MUSIC suffer from similar sounding vocalists. One of the worst types of vocal trends I've heard in the past decade is the emo / hardcore / metalcore style singing. They all intentionally strain their voices, out of key, to make it sound more 'emotional' and 'anguished,' or whatever, and oftentimes end up sounding like Mega Volt from Darkwing Duck.

Who knows, maybe the drugs were just stronger back in the 70's, explaining the contrast in skill, originality, and innovation in music from then to now. 


The saddest part is, I personally know dozens of bands that are talented, innovative, and throw it down live. I'm sure they, like me, are at the most, looking to make a career out of music (fame, free drugs, groupies...all a bonus for getting paid to make music) but in comparison to the shit on the radio and TV? They should be in the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame compared to that shit.
3. A Message
Music back in the day stood for something - an escape from the mundane. A backlash to corporatism and trendiness. The pitfalls of mankind were put on display through the words and instrumentation of crafty musicians and philosophers looking to both spread a valuable message and showcase their talent, simultaneously. Music is an artistic expression - not a fashion statement. And sure, the 80's hair bands were a bit much...at least they wrote actual hooks in their music and knew how to pen a clever guitar solo. And at least the music was actually "Fun."


If you're gonna write some depressing music, make it interesting, at least. Music with depressing subject matter shouldn't be depressing to the listener without the lyrics.  It's why I can't dig grunge - all the singers sound like clones, and the music is always so damn down-trodden.  Or all that emo bullshit...it sounds like forced emotion from fags wearing womans jeans.
 
4. A Story to Tell
What happened to the grand, epic, rock operas of yesteryear? Like "Quadrophenia" or "Tommy" by the Who? "Seventh Son of a Seventh Son" by Iron Maiden? All the concept albums by Pink Floyd, Savatage, Rush, Queensryche...big, epic stories, stuff as fantastical as movies, that challenged the listeners to decipher the lyrics to find the meaning. Or songs like "Sniper" by Harry Chapin, 12 minutes of unnerving tension depicting a gunman in a watch tower taking out innocent bystanders? It still exists. "The Odyssey" by Symphony X is a great example.

Where did the EPICNESS of music go? A song should be a movie for my ears, not a regurgitation of all the latest (shitty) musical trends. Instead of imparting a message or telling a story, music that is funded and celebrated in the mainstream seems to serve one over-encompassing purpose: distraction. A distraction from intellectual endeavors, a distraction from music with actual morals, a distraction from musical innovation. If you think Lil' Wayne is innovative and anything more than a hack, anything more than a terrible rapper with horrible delivery, a complete lack of flow, and nearly braindead subject matter....then clean your ears out. With a dagger.

5. Diversity
Some bands find a signature sound they can put to the test in numerous different settings, and always turn out an interesting product. Go listen to "In Rock" from Deep Purple. Then listen to "Burn." Follow that up with "The House of Blue Light." That's three albums that could ALMOST be mistaken for three different bands, but Deep Purple has such a signature sound they are able to branch out to other styles of music and still captivate their fanbase.

There is no use in pigeon-holing your artistic expression. Innovations aren't made when you attempt to go with the grain. Nor are they broken when you attempt to intentionally GO AGAINST the grain. Only when you start writing from your heart and soul will you find that innovation that is being swept under the rug on the daily. Hundreds, thousands of starving musicians with unique styles, unique voices and playing techniques, completely brushed aside and left to rot so assholes like Nicki Minaj and Lady Gaga can make millions while pissing off anyone with an ounce of sense.


Go ahead, listen to that. Feels better to listen to music that evolves and changes over the course of its runtime, doesn't it? Way more fulfilling than a beat to dance to, shitty auto-tuned vocals, and a generic bassline, am I right?
 With lyrics so meaningful and layered they can apply to multiple circumstances? Instead of just getting high at the club and drunk at the crackhouse, like most rap artists of the day write about? With captivating guitar solos and clever instrument arrangements? The lyrics are so open-ended I could even apply them to this blog.


A man only sees what he wants to see
When he's in his mind
Where he is what he wants to be

Living in a world where he's safe from reality

Won't you take a chance on this night and follow me?

What Savatage is trying to say, is that maybe my delusions of grandeur (of being a skilled, comedic wordsmith and interesting and original composer) are all only realized by myself, on the safety of my own blog.

Keep listening! Savatage also make some of the same points I attempted to translate through my rage in this very article....IN THE SAME SONG.






Don't need no super heroes
Don't need no movie stars
Don't need no politicians
In big black shiny cars
Don't need no preacher
Whose church is my TV"



So stop choosing to listen to bands based on their appearance. The only proper way to judge a band based on their appearance is to AVOID them when you can tell they are vain douchebags by the way they portray themselves.