Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Troll Hunting (Part 5)

Have my 3 or 4 readers migrated to the Rantlister forums yet? No? Well if you haven't you should, because the biggest feud since Seraded vs. Crimson Steel (which was the biggest feud since Biggie vs Pac) is raging right now - Sweet Funky Freedom vs. FuckedYouFucker. If I knew how to edit GIFs properly, I would change this Rocky 4 GIF so that Rocky Balboa was ripping FuckedYouFuckers picture off the mirror instead of Ivan Dragos.

Rocky and me have more than one thing in common - a chiseled jaw line, the ability to grow boss facial hair, similar training methods, fighting injustice - in Rocky 4, Rocky wasn't just fighting Ivan Drago - he was fighting the communist stranglehold on Russia. HE ENDED THE COLD WAR. While I'm not in Russia fighting commies, I am in America, fighting fascists. Fascists like FuckedYouFucker.

You think troll-hunting is easy, FYF? Or writing 20+ articles in a month? Even if 19 out of 20 articles are crap, it doesn't mean effort isn't put into writing them. Here I am, slaving over a hot keyboard every day, and you cast your judgements as if you're chief of the rant police. Rant Emperor Bobby, who is so good at ranting, he has never even written a single one. Sitting on your Ivory Rant Tower, casting down judgements like some kind of rant authority, when we've never seen a single rant from you.

 It was actually Paint.Net bullshit, and apparently, as 'unfunny, untalented, and stupid to look at' as you claim it to be, it offended you enough for you to report it to Facebook. It has been removed from Facebook, so you won that round. It certainly wasn't a flawless victory, either, but you won it. Well played, sir. ENJOY IT. Because I assure you, that will be the last round you win. In fact, I plan on winning the war with a Fatality in this very article. There's been far too many casualties on either side of the battle field, Corporal FuckedYouFucker, and I'm trying to end the war. General Shred does not want to see any more blood staining the land, this fighting is just crazy. So I need to end this conflict before it tears the very rant community apart at the seams. YOU ARE THE GLUE THAT HOLDS RANTLISTER TOGETHER, MR POWELL. So I can't kill you, but I can amputate each limb, leaving you without the ability to type - or walk.

We can even get you one of those wheelchairs that people who are paralyzed from the neck down have, where they control it with their mouth so they can move around. We'll get you one of THOSE, so you can still update the website for us after I hack you limb from limb. But I digress......

The point is, whether or not you find the images funny, clever, or smart to look at......clearly they were effective.
 Effective enough to report them to Facebook. Then you went on to say this:

 Well if I actually was a piece of shit, I'd say it was pretty god damn impressive I was able to do more than just get flushed down a toilet. (Kinda like what's happening to you.) But again, what's your frame of reference here? How are YOU the authority in what is and isn't funny? Are you a successful writer yourself? Do you do standup comedy? Have you written many leather bound books, landing several of them on the #1 Best Sellers list? Or are you just a tag-a-long in the rant community, like the 'younger brother' in the group of friends no one wants around, but they feel obligated to watch after any way?

If YOU can write a full article that makes ME laugh then I promise - it still won't make me retire. But it will give me incentive to stop giving you these figurative internet wedgies and making "unfunny, untalented, and stupid to look at - yet dangerously effective" MSPaint.Net images of you.

It's like you have a go-to manual featuring every cliche internet defense. I'm not the one crying and whining - I'm the one W(h)INNING. When someone is handily serving you with little thought or effort, suggesting that they are "crying" or "whining" is just a cop-out. You CAN'T keep up with my wit, so instead, you try to condescend to me and 'rise above' the flame war YOU YOURSELF ignited. You can't say you're above arguing when you're the one who instigated the argument in the first place. Have you no convictions? Have you not the testicular fortitude to see your plans through? If not, shut the fuck(edyoufucker) up. If you can't stand the heat, stop turning on the fucking stove and running the hot water, and get out of the fucking kitchen.

Incidentally, a picture of a crying baby better fits YOUR internet persona, not mine. I already drag my own reputation through the fucking mud as much as I can - there is literally nothing you can do to make it worse. This is simply a flame war you can't win, despite being a flamer FYF. Let's see what other cliche arguments you'll use in an attempt to undermine my masterful trolling.

"I'm moving on to more mature things." Well good for you, Bobby! You've accepted defeat, so much so that you even intend to leave the entire rant community behind you, presumably to defiantly saunter off into the sunset as Mariah Carey music mysteriously fills the air from an unknown source, presumably cascading out from invisible speakers hanging from the heavens. All that
stands between you and these greener pastures is the ruins of a bridge, one that you will now no doubt burn as you leave the rant community far behind you in the rear view of your figurative car of smugness.

A helpful tip from someone funnier and more talented than you: make sure you burn the bridge AFTER you cross it, it fucking sucks getting stuck in the middle of a burning bridge then realizing the moat below is filled with pirahni and ill-tempered sharks. One time, I started burning the bridge to my music career, but I still had a bunch of gigs lined up; I ended up burning the soles of my feet, lost one of my guitars, and ended up running back to the side of the bridge that my music career was on.
Now I'm stuck in the "Music Career Castle" as a fucking jester when I should be a king, unsuccessfully trying to get my music into movies and video games, and the greener pastures on the other side of the ruined bridge - which is a career in comedy - is now impossible to reach, so I yell my jokes across the moat from the castle hoping they echo into ears worth telling jokes to and land me an HBO special or series on Adult Swim.

But enough nonsensical gibberish, let's cut to the cheese - what were the rest of the images banned from Facebook? What images offended FYF enough to make him think ranting is immature? (Or at least, to inspire him to cross burning bridges barefoot at 2:27 AM on Christmas?)

FuckedYouFucker, you are a gentleman and a scholar.....but you pushed me too far. We had a conversation regulated to the Rantlister forums, but you refused to let a few hilarious images slide, reporting them to Facebook and getting me blocked from Facebok for an entire day. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO HARASS MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY ON CHRISTMAS, NOW! THAT BLOOD IS ON YOUR HANDS!

 That shit just isn't cool, man, YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR. Getting me blocked from making an asshole of myself on Christmas is just a low-blow. Look, some asshole even left a disparaging remark about one of my memes on the Cloudkillers promotion page......

.....and I can't even tell him he's a stupid fucking idiot piece of dog-shit retard.

Looks like I already have a "Troll Hunting Part 6" lined up, this DB character looks like quite the douchebag.


But back to you, FuckedYouFucker.

 If you had simply asked me to censor the names in the pictures, I would have done that for you. Hell, we could have all laughed about it and wrote positive things about each other in our diaries over glasses of eggnog. Then, "Troll Hunting (Part 5)" would have been an article about Dakin Billin (what kind of stupid fucking name is that shit) and you would still just be the resident little-brother of the rant community.

But you went and reported that shit instead, getting it removed from Facebook and getting ME blocked from posting ANYTHING to Facebook on Christmas. Have you no heart? That's cold-blooded fascism, man. You might as well grab the bill of rights and use it to clean up cat poop. (I assume you own many cats, and are basically a "Crazy Cat Lady" with a penis.)

 Fuck you, FuckedYouFucker. I thought we were friends. But apparently, I was wrong, as you continually delete me from Facebook, then try to add me back with some lame excuses as to why you deleted me, and then delete me from your friends list again. You flip-flopping pussy, make up your mind! Stand up for something you believe in! Unless it's standing up for yourself, because you're not worth believing in.

Merry Christmas!


  1. >_> lol trolling in xmas , very funny

    1. Trolling's for losers, dickhead.

  2. I ain't even mad bro. I just wanted you to get those retarded pictures off the internet. I didn't intend to get you banned from Facebook on Christmas day. Sorry about that.

    1. Don't be sorry, I actually think you getting me banned from posting on Christmas Day was an act of unintentional genius. I signed on, was informed I had a bunch of things removed for violating Facebook guidelines or whatever, then realized I couldn't post anything for the next 24 hours and laughed for a good 5 minutes

  3. Thing is, I want to get away from the rant scene and do something bigger and better. I want to earn a living running websites and building gaming computers. Bitching on the internet is just negative. but I can't seem to stop seeing what kind of drama goes on at places like Rantlister. Maybe I'll never abandon it completely, but I plan on doing other things with my time.

    1. I hear ya, I'll always be way more focused on music than anything. But writing comedy / satire / rants is too much fun to ever give up entirely.

  4. AHAhahahaahha
    Its faukn hilarious that he apologized for this. what were the pictures he was bitchn about?

    1. It's actually the pictures on this article, the Facebook parodies. I just think he doesn't want them on Facebook itself

    2. With a day to reflect upon your inquiry, I feel I should have lead you astray, saying the images were lost in the Facebook banned content vortex. Those pictures would be a bigger mystery than what's in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. (And no, it isn't Marcellus Wallaces soul. That's fucking retarded.)

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If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.