Friday, December 21, 2012

OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS FUCKING ENDING!


I was SO CLOSE to beating all four temples, but guess I should've went back to the Dawn of the First Day at least once. Oh well.

What, did you think I was talking about OUR world? Of course that shit wouldn't end on the day that was predicted. How the fuck would we know that shit? If we can't even cure cancer or release free energy, how the hell would we be able to predict the end of the world?

Skynet is just playing with us. Doom has been postponed to December 23rd. They wanted to give us a fake date so we'd all have a collective sigh of relief, get a day off to let our guards down, then BAM! Before we make it to Christmas machines are raping everyone in the eye-socket, just like that.



Relax, people, I'm kidding. Skynet is too busy on social networks like Facebook and Twitter to ever become self-aware. You ever USE those sites? It seems like 99% of people on Facebook are completely lacking in the self-awareness department, that's why they take it so seriously. I can't wait until Facebook devolves into a 4chan type message board to yell obscenities at each other on, a figurative Wild West with every single member trying to be the wittiest outlaw of all.

But on a serious note, the end of the world was never intended for today. See, Gangnam Style was only the THIRD horseman of the Apocalypse. We still got one more horseman to go before the fireworks start. And guess what? The dead horse that is apocalypse jokes that we are all beating now? THAT is actually the fourth horseman of the Apocalypse. So crappy Apocalypse jokes just saved the world. I STOPPED THE RAPTURE. I GUESS I'M PSYCHEDELIC JESUS AFTER ALL!

I made an amazing breakfast the morning, by the way. Seriously. Onions, broccoli, cilantro, heaps of cheese and three jumbo eggs. Needless to say....my first post-apocalyptic omelet was BOSS. Food sure does taste amazing in the 5th dimension.

I really can't wait to tell my grandchildren about how I survived the 2012 apocalypse. And the rapture. And swine flu. And the mass gonorrhea and herpes outbreak of 2007. And 9/11. And Y2K. And Honey Boo Boo.

 

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