Monday, December 10, 2012

Of Rustled Jimmies and Redemption

Of Rustled Jimmies and Redemption

I went to turn on my computer this morning, looking forward to watching an episode of South Park while eating the French Toast, Bacon Egg and Cheese sandwhich I had cooked myself - but to my dismay....nothing happened. The computer was working fine when I shut it off the night before. The internet has been a bit screwy for the past week or two, but that's server issues, not computer problems. I plugged in the power source, tried to turn it on again....nothing. There was no signs of any life in my Alienware M15X, and the whites in my eyes turned red. I couldn't even finish my breakfast, I was so furious.

See, there's a particular rage that takes control when your computer shits the bed. Whether that's the computer not being able to start....or maybe your laptop slipped out of your hands when you stand up from dropping a deuce and you watched in horror as splintered pieces of the now-smashed laptop traveled across the room, sailing majesticly through the air like disgruntled pigeons....or you aqcuire a virus while browsing a conspiracy theory forum like GodLikeProductions and need to reinstall your Operating System....whatever the case is, when the grim fate of your computer is determined inevitable, jimmies are rustled something fierce.

This morning, I thought I had lost all kinds of unreleased music, half-finished comedy writings, artwork...all kinds of shit. (Key word being shit.) I knew when I called tech support the fix would either be dead simple, or I'd pretty much need to buy a new laptop. Needless to say, the great jimmie rustling of our time had begun.

Tech issues (in particular computer issues) are the quickest path to rustled jimmies. Right off the bat, you're pissed, because you know you might lose the hours of your life that you poured into a creative endeavor if your computer doesn't wanna turn on again. And thus begins the arduous process of reclaiming your sanity and getting the computer working again.

So now you gotta find the number for Alienware tech support online, call the number, realize the cell doesn't get good service and call the number again from the house phone, instantly get put on hold with sweet elevator music jams for 45 seconds, talk to a machine for 15 minutes, press 1 for English, press 4 for Klingon, press 9 for trouble-shooting, enter express service tag, enter warranty number, get put on hold for 14 minutes and 37 seconds, finally reach a human who realizes you're in the wrong department so now they need to transfer you, get put on hold for an additional 4 minutes and 42 seconds, reach the second human in this call, usually someone you can't understand that well due to an accent (insert "all tech support workers are in India" joke here), get informed your warranty is expired, give them your phone number, social security and a list of your fears so they can call you back in a half hour, wait a half hour, no call, wait an additional 15 minutes and 22 seconds, get a call back, now they're gonna transfer you to out-of-warranty tech support, get put on hold for another 3 minutes and 12 seconds, get through to out-of-warranty tech suppot,  remove battery from computer, unplug the power source, hold power button for two minutes, hit the power button to see if that wor.....HOLY SHIT IT WORKED.

If you read through all of that bolded text, that's exactly how the process feels of losing your computer - but it's in slow motion over the course of...roughly....9 AM this morning to about noon. And just add to that feeling "Half dozen unfinished articles....unfinished artwork.....brand new unreleased songs....all lost!" It's a difficult process to endure. Nothing rustles jimmies quite like losing months of work. (My own fault; I need to backup everything up on the external.) It makes you want to rip someones throat out. Hour of your life, wasted, because the computer doesn't want to go to work that day. If you know that feel, you know it well - it's an awful feel. And it tries ones patience to deal with the entire process of troubleshooting. But this serving of humble pie tasted delicious after I got the computer to work. It was like a reality check, a slap in the face to stop taking everything for granted 100% of the time and start taking everything for granted only 88% of the time instead. (What can I say? I'm American. Being a cynical, ungrateful prick was my destiny the second I was born with the ability to see through the

My jimmies have been realigned, and I must break character for just a second to say - I am grateful for all you crazy bastards. You stay golden, ponyboys and ponygirls, and you stay classy, San Diego.

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