Thursday, December 6, 2012

12 Ways to Prepare For December 21st

Can you feel the tension, in the air right now? I know I can; I can feel it, all the way DOWN IN MY PLUMS. They're getting all swollen, with a beautiful blueish hue, sun dancing off 'em, just nice now.

It's finally here, December 2012. We're just under 3 weeks away from the date of the most popularized doomsday prediction since Y2K. So I figured I'd write an article to prepare everyone for the Polar Shift, end of the Mayan calender, galactic alignment, Nibiru/Tyche/Nemesis/Planet-X, and 3 days of darkness. Here is 12 ways to pepper thy Angus for the end of the Mayan calender. 

1. Spend all money you have saved.
 You don't wanna die with $15,674 worth of life-savings in the bank, do you? Of course not! Buy copious amounts of designer drugs. Spend some time with the most expensive escorts you can find on Backpages. Make wild, spontaneous purchases you'll later regret in the post-apocalyptic wasteland. Live it up, bitches!
2. Write unnecessary lists on the internet.
What better way to spend one of the last hours of your time alive than writing a pointless list on the internet? Just look at Cracked, bitches LOVE lists.

3. Watch strange porn.
The world's about to end - time to watch ridiculous pornography. No reason to continue clearing your internet browsing history, either. And who really cares that every time you fap, Anonymous is likely watching you fap through your webcam while fapping themselves. Meanwhile, the CIA is fapping while they watch Anonymous fap through their webcam while they watch you fap through your webcam. And all the while, Santa Clause has all 3 parties involved heavily monitored from multiple angles, with optional night vision...but he isn't even fapping. (He's getting blown by one of the elves.)  

Now you don't necessarily need to fap to the tranny necrophilia porn you stumbled upon, or even get aroused by it. Just because you're watching 2 Girls 1 Cup, doesn't mean you are required to eat popcorn you peed into. You must realize one thing - while watching these sick, perverted, maybe violent acts, you are preparing your psyche for the horrors of a post-apocalytic wasteland. (Should you survive the initial pole shift / impact / nuclear fallout / zombies.)
4. Listen to epic music.
Crank some tunes that melt your face. Reassemble your face as best as you can, then melt it all over again. Hell, you might as well go back to #1 and spend some money. Buy yourself some amazing new music, you deserve it kid.
5. Tell people what you really think of them.
Most people are too chickenshit to speak their minds and voice their discontent with each other. People prefer talking shit behind each others back, being manipulative, sneaky faggots instead of blunt alphas. Instead of aiming your knife at someones traptorial muscle, lunge for their jugular instead.  Get some blood on your hands, pussy. No need to douche anymore, in a few short weeks we'll all be cosmic dust anyways, or sipping on Gin and Juice in the 5th dimension. Time to shake up your daily interpersonal 3D communications with a little honesty for a change.
6. Quit your day job.
How many people have wanted to quit their job in some ridiculous, over-the-top fashion? Eat a bunch of asparagus and Vitamin B, piss in the coffee pot, and watch your co-workers drink your smelly, neon pee with their coffee. Laugh about it when your co-workers catch on and reassure them. "Don't worry, friends, you can't catch my Hepatitis from drinking my pee." Grope that sexy coeds ass, and creepily smell her hair. You can even give her that mixtape you made for when you fap to her shrine in your room. Who gives a fuck about sexual harassment, or being creepy? Shits about to GO DOWN. Set your desk on fire, but only after fapping to tranny necrophilia porn in plain sight.  
7. Invest in a bunker.
It's safe to assume riding out the apocalypse will take a few weeks. We aren't going to go immediately from "Police State Dystopia"  to "Mad Max," unfortunately, so prepare accordingly. It's gonna take a year or two for the nuclear dust to settle before we can start modding our cars Twisted Metal style, fighting horribly disfigured mutants, and stumbling upon underground societies of horny women. Patience, Padawan! Rome wasn't kill't in a day. It took about a week.
8. Get in touch with your spirituality.
Finger-fuck your chakras and tickle your third-eye. And no, I'm not talking about your brown eye. But you can feel free to tickle that too. Hell, you can tickle them both simultaneously, then eat immediately after without washing your hands. Why the fuck not? Meditate to Yanni, take a few mushroom trips to the astral plane, maybe drink some jungle juice in a Voxwagon in the parking lot to a Furthur show. Smoke DMT in sensory deprivation tanks.
9. Travel the world.
Have you always regretted being stuck at some shitty job? 40 hours a week, stuck in a little cubicle crunching numbers with no sense of accomplishment. The only cute co-worker you have is engaged, your boss is an asshole, and you don't even have any windows in your building. We know that feel, bro - work sucks. And thinking about how much work sucks make work suck even more, because you keep remembering other aspects of suckage, like how lunch is only 15 minutes, or how everyone takes washing dishes and busing tables at Friendly's so god damn seriously, or that you're literally dedicating full days of your life to driving to work, working, and driving home from work, going to bed early so you can wake up early so you can drive back to wonder why so many people have their fingers crossed for December 21st, life kinda sucks!

 All that time of your life....thrown away....invested in some company that doesn't even treat it's employees fairly. These mega corporations like Wal-Mart, or McDonalds...they have so much money their lowest paid employees could be getting $15 an hour and they'd still be turning in a healthy profit. But why should slaves get treated well? Fuck that, they should be making minimum wage, barely being able to scrape by, watching the cost of living steadily rise as minimum wage stays fixed at $7 an hour, hoping December 21st is the rapture or start of World War III or ANYTHING to switch up their dull, painful existence of being a corporate slave. Sound about right?

Then drop everything and travel the world, asshole. Go overseas. Bang a lady-boy in Thailand. Smoke some dank herb in Amsterdam. Drink some German beer. Buy some school girl panties in Japan. Hell, go on a school girl pantie SHOPPING SPREE. But stay away from Somalia. You don't want to go down that road. Can't just drop everything and travel, you say? Well what's stopping you, at this point? We're all about to get raped by Nibiru, remember? Or Nemesis, or Planet X, or....whatever, FUCK YOU.
10. Start a bunch of projects, but don't finish them.
What's the point in putting in tons of effort on new projects when the worlds just gonna end, anyway? Start a bunch of projects, and don't even bother finishi


  1. >_>


If you should strike me down I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.